I spoke with my FIL a little while ago and he sat me down to have a talk. I have told myself that I am going to stop having deep conversations about the situation with him, but he wanted me to hear what he had to say. I mostly listened.
He said that the OM's father called him (the OM) and told him to move back to the house. It turns out that the OMW is spending a lot of time with her own sick father and needs help with the kids. The OM didn't want to move back in with his W, but his father somehow convinced him to.
My FIL thinks this is good news for my chances, but I think he's being overly optimistic.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Last night, I went out with a friend to watch the NFL game at a local sports bar. My W went out to dinner with our two kids.
This morning, she sends me a text saying that she hopes I had a great time out last night. She said that she had a great time with the kids.
Then she goes on to say that I should go out more often or get involved in a sports league. She says she is thinking of joining a tennis league.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
I let her text sit for hours while formulating a response. I told her,
"Sorry for not getting back to you right away. I had a very busy work day."
"I think you should do it. I want to get back into tennis too."
Later on, she sends me an e-mail regarding this weekend.
She suggested that I stay over my brother's place since I will be home late. At the same time, she said that she will be spending the night (with the OM) tonight and tomorrow. Previously, it was supposed to be just tomorrow.
I am starting to think that her encouragement for me to get out there, away from the family, is perhaps to make her feel better about having done the same (and continuing to do so). I think she may feel sort of "let's her off the hook" in a way.
I don't know. I'm mind-reading here. Bad, bad, bad!
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
I sent an e-mail to my W this morning thanking her for being so accommodating to me (Sunday). I continued and said that she has always been a good wife to me in that regard, and has always been accommodating to my needs (which isn't exactly true, but she believes it is).
I then went on to say that I should have communicated with her better but didn't because I was avoiding potential conflict scenarios, and I assumed (mind-read) what her responses would be. I said I recognized that this was not her fault and was very unfair to her.
Awaiting her response...
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Mindsin, is she actually saying " mindsin, I am staying overnight with OM tonight and tomorrow"? Or is she saying something else and you are hearing that she must be staying with OM because the only logical explanation? I'm just asking because for a while, I was hearing the same thing, when actually I was jumping to conclusions and mind reading.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
bdub, she actually tells me that she is "spending an overnight" or "staying overnight". Nowadays, she never mentions his name, or where she's staying, etc. I assume that it is with the OM, and I never ask.
I am virtually certain that it is ALWAYS with the OM because when she spends days with her friends, she is very detailed about who she's going to be with, where, and what time, etc.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
OK, so you dont know for sure she is with OM. She sounds very similar to my W. Vague sometimes and very specific other times. I found out that when my W was being very specific, THATS when she was with OM. Might be something to think about. Maybe try having a PMA. Instead of assuming she is with OM, assume she is with a dear friend, or the people she hangs out with the most. It is sort of burying your head in the sand. But, is that any worse than assuming and mind reading? I dont think so, PLUS it will make you feel a LOT better, and allow you to focus more on 180, detaching and GAL. Full disclosure : a week or so ago a mutual friend confronted my W about OM. Prior to that I had laid down a boundary stating I would not tolerate her treating me like that, and if she did I would not allow her to live in the house and I would not cooperate with her in working through our dissolusion. My action and that of our mutual friend caused my W to end her OR.
I'm sorry you are going through this situation. I certainly understand a lot of your frustrations and emotions. If you decide to work on the boundary make sure you do lots of research and practice your technique. Boundary setting can be very difficult and can really sound controlling and be very destructive if not done properly the first time.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
I think in my W's case, she is simply trying to spare my feelings. In fact, she said exactly that when I made the mistake of asking where she was going on Sunday.
She said, "I don't want to tell you because if you knew, you'd say that it's something you would have wanted to do [with me]"
I told her, "Try me".
After she told me, I said, "See. I am OK with that because I have come to accept the current situation and I promised you that I'd give you time and space."
This morning, I didn't ask her about her day on Sunday. Instead, she volunteered information to me.
She said, "It turned out that we got there too late so we missed the event. We're probably going to reschedule it to another day."
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
"I am glad you had a good day off yesterday. You certainly deserve it. The past few months has been tough on all of us. I am really stressed out so I can relate to how you are feeling. I am thinking of taking a few days off before I start my new job, which is why I asked you if you can hold off planning the boys' getaway until I get work situation settled.
Thanks for trying your best to communicate openly and effectively with me. I know it wasn't always easy between us, for whatever reason, but I am glad that we are now able to start becoming better communicators."
FYI - The "boys' getaway" is a little weekend trip I had planned with my close friends, which I rescheduled to accommodate her.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
