WAWs or Wayward M: How to SHOW change is afoot?

[MrBond]

You're way over-analyzing things again.

You didn't thinks she was the one for you because of the sex. You cheated on her. She left you because of that. End of story.

[Wonka]

DB,

Okay...the letter has already been sent out. You cannot unring the bell.

Put the focus back on you. Hope you will continue working on your issues with the IC. Keep going!

[DBinSF]

Thanks, Bond and Wonka. I was worried about excommunication here for sending the letter, but my gut told me it was the right thing to do.

And I'm continuing to work on me. Twice a week therapy, three or four 12-step meetings a week, and ZERO distracting behavior -- aside from these forums, that is.

DB

[Wonka]

DB,

Relax. We're not the Lord High Executioners of DB. Oh my! No, no...nooooo.

Please be prepared for the possibility that Julia may not respond to your letter. Either way...it should not detract you from your own path of working on yourself and facing your issues head-on.

[DBinSF]

I'm fully anticipating that she won't. It may in fact be the nail in the coffin. Although, I really think part of her wonders what it would be like to be with a healthy me. So, I'm going to keep my head down and get healthy.

I came up with a perfect analogy today:

Throughout my life, every time I've felt a flare up of low self-confidence or some other drama, I've run around trying to put the fire out with travel, parties, women, shopping, cross-country moves, or some other form of distraction, excitement or escape. This time, I'm just throwing extra wood on the fire. No more distractions. Just more fire. Burn it down!! And maybe, just maybe, something beautiful will come out of the ashes.

DB

[sandi2]

When you say you felt in your gut you should send the letter, isn't that the same as you being led by your emotions?

With the programs and therapy you receive, what have you learned about how to control an addictive/compulsive disorder?

I read your post about your confusion over parts of the DR book. I think you need to hear very precise instructions for your individual case. Blanket advice for the general population or in a group setting confuses a lot of people b/c they aren't able to differenciate or compartmentalize. It must be difficult for you in some of your group programs.

Frankly, I don't think you should listen to your "gut", b/c of you are compulsive......especially in relationships. You give way to whatever urge you feel at that moment. Feeding that urge has had bad results for you.

I don't think you can write a letter to Julia and put it away. The idea was to vent some of those urges to tell her one more time how sorry you are. Writing it down on paper is therapeutic for some people, but i don't think it will help you. The compulsion to mail it becomes too strong. And you know when you do it that it goes against the advice you were given, so almost immediately you feel the compulsion to confess your actions.

When you give over to one urge, then another follows it. As you described trying to put out fires. You think you are smothering one fire (to write a letter) but once it is written, the another fire begins (to mail the letter), then you smother that fire by sending the letter and another fire begins (tell the board what you did).

How are you able to make good decisions? How are you able to hold down a job? You feed your senses....... And that is what drives you to destruction.

[DBinSF]

Hi Sandi,

You're right, I can be impulsive/compulsive. I've learned to put a stop to all compulsive behavior around sex, shopping, going out, travel, porn, etc. In fact, the only think I'm compulsive about now is my Ex.

I.
CAN'T.
STOP.
THINKING.
ABOUT.
HER.

It takes the joy out of every moment. So, I fight back. And I send an apology letter when you all say I shouldn't. And I write even more elaborate and detailed letters to her that I never send -- letters telling her overcoming this issue is how we will grow as people and as a couple. Etc etc...

I go to therapy, I go to 12 step. I try to help people with their problems as a way of getting out of my head and healing from mine. But my depression around pushing my Ex away is only getting worse, not better.

DB

[Maybell]

In The Power of Habit there is a suggestion for how to alter a pattern to a healthier one. The author used to go down to the cafeteria for a cookie every afternoon at 3:00. He wanted to break the habit so he tried some experiments.

He tried to see what would happen if he went and got the cookie at a different time. He discovered he didn't the cookie at any time other than 3:00.

So then he tried bringing a cookie to the office and eating it at 3:00. But he didn't want the cookie, he wanted to go to the cafeteria.

So then he tried going to the cafeteria at 3:00 and getting a tea instead. He found he was OK with not getting the cookie when he did that.

So then he tried going to the cafeteria at 3:00 and getting nothing.

That was how he discovered that the need he was satisfying with his cookie habit was the need to get up and stretch his legs and talk to other people at a certain point in his day.

Once he realized that, he turned the habit into a walk around the outside of the building with a colleague or two. He lost 15 pounds that way, if memory serves.

And he still got his needs met.

So watch what your brain is doing when you think about your ex, or when you write to your ex. See if you can turn that habit into something healthier, a step at a time.

[DBinSF]

Thanks, Maybell. I recall that story well. And I appreciate your thoughtful message. You're right, this is an OLD habit. Frankly, I haven't been without a woman or not been in hot pursuit of a woman since I was like 8 years old. Maybe younger. Yes, Mommy issues. I speak to my therapist and my 12 step sponsor about this stuff too.

The crazy thing is how much like a physical addiction this is. I am without my fix, so in doing anything I can to "get a hit." I know it intellectually, but I can't make the leap yet emotionally.

I really do appreciate your kindness and soft hand. I was afraid I'd just get a snack down after that last post.

Onward...

[Ss06]

The crazy thing is how much like a physical addiction this is. I am without my fix, so in doing anything I can to "get a hit." I know it intellectually, but I can't make the leap yet emotionally.

This is hugely insightful, DB! I think one of the hardest things we all struggle with on this forum is patience. There's all this time we don't have control over and we're supposed to do what with it? Make ourselves better? One of the things we have to remind ourselves, DB, is to have patience with ourselves. Some of this stuff we have to push through and seek out but some of the other changes should happen organically. You realizing that you're having a hard time emotionally detaching from your "fix" is a GREAT thing to realize!

Really. Really great!

Let that permeate for a bit because it's profound!

On a separate note, I wonder what kind of awesome guy you are when you're not in hot pursuit of a woman. You're in the process of finding THAT guy and I bet he's super fascinating for YOU to get to know.