Shining, I was afraid for you that this would happen. You may think you arent pursuing, but, subtlely you are. Not a 2 x 4..just an observation.
You have got to let him lead completely. But you also have to live your life. I wouldnt always be available. It is scary to them that you are sitting around waiting.
He wants to be friendly. He feels how much you want him and this and it is freaking him out a bit.
You have to get back to living your life and get out of his head. Keep all communication neutral and short.
Ok, thank you all... I went with agreeing with him, since I do.... It got into a little r talk, but not deep at all. Whew. Just weird...
Before I could respond, h sent another text (apparently I took too long) "is it just me?"
I replied, "It is not just you. It is definitely scary to feel the emotions. I feel the same about you, too. Comfortable and good, then scared and pull back. "
H: Ok so I am not crazy Thank you
Then he turned the topic to sex.
(I stopped the cake eating.....didn't make a statement out loud, but I had stopped being physical with him last week. There wasn't a real opportunity anyway, so it worked out well, so I thought.)
Ok, please forgive the crazy of this whole topic of conversation, but I have to put it all out here awkward as it is because it's the only way to have honest perspective......
H: I do enjoy having sex with you. Sex with you is like none other....
M: For me, I can enjoy sex with you very much.... VERY much. Having no emotions won't work for me, because sex is an intimate thing to share with someone. Make sense?
H: Yes it does. We just originally agreed on sex. I am the one that took it farther. Not you. It's my fault
^^^^^^FOR THE RECORD, WE DID NOT AGREE TO THIS.....^^^^^
H again: Did you tell the counselor we have seen each other?
M: no not yet
H: When did you see him last?
M: 3-4 weeks ago.
Nothing more.....so far. It seems he is thinking of going to counseling? I don't think I want that. H is not ready. This is our MC who sees me alone now....
I know I could be detached enough to listen if he needed to get stuff out, if I thought it would help. H doesn't seem to be blaming as much but c might change that idk....
This feels like an important moment and I suddenly have NO CLUE what to do. I hate this.
I need to not be available, for sure. I was doing that the past couple of days, after the house stuff got done.
Well, crud.
I went too far today. I keep reassuring him, as if he needs it... My gut thinks he does. I'm so far off on this....shoot, I'm spinning.
And I was doing so well today. I was thinking I was ready to drop the rope. Thinking about how great I felt being so dark the past two days. Then bam. It's as if he knew it, too.
I keep telling myself after he moves, it will be easier to keep away because there is nothing left. We don't share kids.
What if he really thinks he is ready for counseling.....from the years of experience on this board, I am certain he is not. At least not MC.... Not even close.
Ok. That's it. I'm making tacos.... Georgiabelle? Want some?
He is doing the pursuit and distance dance, S, and you are going along with it.
Ok, so, here's the deal. If you truly believe he is in a MLC, then, you have to get your mind around that you cannot fix him. You just cannot. You can get him to move closer. You can have sex with him if you choose. But you cannot make him come out of this.
The truth is, that this was destined to happen. You cant love him out of this, either.
He has to go through all of it to come out the other side. If he doesnt, and it gets cut short, he runs the risk of having to go through it all over again and most times, it is worse the second time around.
He is wanting you to fix this for him. He wants you to tell him its all ok. Not your job.
He didnt want to be married anymore. Thats the choice he made. Now unless he is committed to reconnecting and doing the work, then he has to live his choices.
You keep getting caught up in these conversations with him and I just dont see them going anywhere good.
This is his journey. Its not an easy one. I feel for him. I feel for you, too.
But love him enough to want him to come through it. Love yourself enough not to allow him to drag you through his stuff.
Come on now, S. Regroup here and get to gettin. You can do this.
He is wanting you to fix this for him. He wants you to tell him its all ok. Not your job.
This is exactly what I believe he wants, and I'm just the person to fall into the trap of thinking I can. I was the girl who could do anything, fix everything in all areas of my life. Obviously, I still think can. If I can't, I figure out how. This is a terribly hard lesson for me. I have to learn to wrap my head around this fact. I CAN'T FIX HIM. I hear the right words, I think I'm finally getting it, then I go back to doing something old.... I am hoping each time I'm better, but it's such a struggle for me. I can't fix him, but if he thinks I can, won't he think I'm turning my back on him? How do I handle this without giving that impression? I'm scared.....
The suicide thing has me paralyzed. I think of this all the time. He suffers from more ailments than depression. It's counterintuitive to not be there for him, but I do get it....if I don't get out of his way, I'm not allowing him to walk his own journey. I'm ultimately hurting him more. I do want him to come through this whole. He is my H, and I committed long ago to love him enough to see him through this. Not interrupt the process and set him up for worse.
I'll get it together. I just feel so lonely, lost and weak.... I have to remember he's even worse.
And I was doing so well today. I was thinking I was ready to drop the rope. Thinking about how great I felt being so dark the past two days. Then bam. It's as if he knew it, too.
Shining, you are probably right. He could probably sense this from you. I think UR was right on the money. It's OK, don't get down on yourself. You are walking a tight-rope. This is not an easy thing. And of course, hindsight is 20/20. When you are in the moment, it is so easy to get sucked in and believe- OH, this is it! It's a little different! I can let my guard down and let him in. It's what he needs.
Just keep reminding yourself- he knows how you feel. You don't need to tell him. And if he wants you in his life, he will make it happen. He will go out of his way to prove it to you. You deserve for him to do that. He is not incapable of going after something he wants. So when he wants you, he will go for it. Let him. Don't do the work for him.
You are amazing, you are worthy. Keep on moving in the right direction. Know when you are focused on you and your kids, there is no rope to walk on. You can do that unscathed. You can do that peacefully and happily. And it is so different than a tightrope, you can skip, hop, jump, run, in all directions without worrying about him. When he is ready, he will find you.
UR is spot on. You have to remember you can't save your h from himself. That's difficult to realize for a rescuer/fixer, eh? I think if you just left him alone for a while, you would feel so much more relaxed. Your h knows when he texts, you will respond. I'm by no means an expert, however UR said something I really believe. If your h is going thru MLC (and I think he is) you just have to let him go. Really let him go. It doesn't mean you don't care. Just means you live your life because this will take a loooooooooong time for him to work through this. I've realized that saying nothing can be the best option in certain circumstances. Who knew?????
Thanks for the taco invite. I'm afraid you would hate me after you saw me eat them so it's best I decline. Funny, I had just been observing my pores( mine are big) prior to seeing your post. For the record, I'm waiting for them to come out with a show called "Dancing with the Moms." I do t watch television much but I would raise my hand to "pursue" that opp.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
