Need to figure out how to move forward (thread #4)

[Starsky309]

I don't think simply "not pursuing" is a strong enough response given your current situation. There are ways to pull off a Plan B without going into dikk mode.

[shodan]

The other place where I am struggling is I am just depressed. I miss my family. I am trying to be happy but all I want to do is cry.

[Starsky309]

I know. It does sukk, no doubt. Just re-reading (and archiving) all of my old posts today, and I had PLENTY of days just like you're having right now.

Most difficult thing I've ever had to do on my life, and I wouldn't wish it on ANYBODY.

Hang in there.


Starsky

[shodan]

I think why i get so depressed is that in many ways, we have had a great marriage. Of course, she has said things to me that have stung and made me realize it was not as great as I thought. But it was not horrible and in fact it was better than good (at least I saw it that way). We have had a lot of fun together over the years. And this past vacation was super fun. I mean, laughing, joking and plain old good old fashion family fun. So when we left the vaca on Tuesday, I was on cloud nine. But then Wednesday morning things seemed weird, she was on her phone more, and she started being very curt to me. By Thursday, I knew something had changed. And here we are on Saturday, only speaking for 30 seconds to say I would take my D10 to soccer.

she is pulling away just as much as I am pulling away from her. Except she is happy because she has the OM and I am miserable.

But I know if our M has any chance of survival, I need to back off and go dark. I need to be patient.

However, I feel for my kids. They keep asking to "go do X as a family" and I just tend to hedge my answers. They want their family together and right now have no idea about our switch. But to go dark and show her that I am pulling away, I cannot do things as a family, which su%ks for them.

[Onguard]

Your situation, like mine, has been a roller coaster of emotions. I am also depressed and full of jealousy, desperately wanting things to be the way they were a year ago. Sho, I think you should be very proud of the fact that you just pulled off a great family vacation! I know how much strength it takes to act as if when all you want to do is scream and cry.
Your kids are your family and your not the one blowing things up. It hurts but know that you are a good father. My D13 asked me why this was happening to our family and said she didn't want us to split up. That shredded my heart but all I could do was tell her "neither do I".

[shodan]

OG...thanks for the kind words. Trying to be PMA.

I have been pretty quiet with my wife since Thursday night when I went "dark". I can tell that she has noticed but she tends to just do the same to me. We really have not spoken. I went to yoga this morning and did not ask if she was going. Turned out she was going and was in the same class. We did not talk and I left after the class and did not speak with her. Ironically, a super hot woman set up next to me (she could have gone any where in the class) and I sense my wife (who was a row behind me) noticed this. Later, I was practicing guitar on the front steps and she asked if I needed something from the store (where she was going). I said no thank you and went back to the guitar. Then, I was reading on the couch and she came into the living room to read as well, sitting on another chair. She could have sat upstairs or outside. We did not talk of course but I thought it was interesting that she sat near/with me. It seems to me that she wants to lure me back as she has done in the past so she can keep her two options open. Later, I took the kids to Dairy Queen but decided to ask if she wanted to go. I don't want to be a total jerk. I said "I am sure the kids will want you to come." She said she was doing stuff but would be ready shortly. I said we were leaving then and just left. When I got back, she looked pretty miffed that I did not wait for her, saying "I went upstairs to brush my teeth and when I came outside you were gone." Of course, I need her to understand that I am NOT happy about her A but I also do not want to get into a "battle" with her to see who can be a better parent without the other involved.

I will continue to be "dark", detach and GAL. I decided today that I deserve better. I deserve a W who loves me, who wants to be with me and who appreciates me for who I am. I am a good father, person, friend and husband and do not deserve to be treated this way. I respect myself and my kids to much. As my friend told me, sometimes bad things happen to good people. But what defines us is not what happens to us, but how we deal with it. I intend to emerge stronger and better. While I want my W and my family back, I cannot control her, her actions and her feelings. I cannot control who she texts. I only can control myself. So I have decided to go back to martial arts two times per week. I have good friends there and will benefit from the GAL and getting out of the house and away from her. This also will show her that I am moving forward with my life.

Lots of love to everyone. Remember, we all deserve better than this. No matter what we did during the M, we did not force our spouses to have an A.

[shodan]

The other thing to add...I have taken off my ring. Not sure this was the right move, but right now I just don't feel like wearing it. My W wears her rings some days and then not others. She has not worn her rings in four days. Maybe I am being juvenile, but if she is not going to wear her rings, why should I?

Is this stupid and just going to exasperate the situation?

[shodan]

This morning I told my kids I was going to yoga and then would take them to Starbucks. My W asked "are you doing now?" I said I was going to a 845am class. She said she was going to a class at 915am in the next town over with an instructor we both like. She intended for me to say "ok, I will go with you." Instead, I said "have fun" and then left.

I know right now I am pushing her to the OM. But I am going to trust in the process. He who cares the least has the most power. I need to gain the power back. Unlike a few weeks ago when I would have jumped at any chance to be with my W, I have said no to those offers on a few occasions during the past few days. I will not pursue, I will not care where she is and with whom.

At the same time, I want to confront her and just say "you should move to NYC and get an apartment so you can live out your fantasy life. if you wake up from the fantasy and want to come back to our reality, our M, our family, we will be here in Boston. In the mean time, I am moving forward because I deserve better."

Does that sound like a bad idea? Or should I just be patient and let this play out?

[Onguard]

We are dealing with very similar circumstances. You have made it clear that you want your M to work. You have asked for honesty and transparency but your W is not giving it to you. You have shown your W your changes and that the road to R is smoothly paved if she makes that choice. You are doing a solid job of following the rules. "Your smallest consistent action will be noticed far more than any words you could say or write." In my opinion I would let it play out rather than tell her to move.

[Starsky309]

Shodan,

Generally, speeches and grand proclamations are a bad idea. The best way to show your wife that you are "moving on" is to actually MOVE ON. Ditto for saying/doing "I've made changes."

You seem to swing wildly from passive Plan A'ing to a very angry, hardline Plan B'ing. My advice for you would be to try to find some equilibrium here, and stay with a loving-but-firm Plan B, without the anger and the grand proclamations.

Remember, she probably doesn't trust your positions right now as you've changed them before as she's done different things to placate you. You will have to demonstrate, over time, that you are serious about your boundaries.


Starsky