Hi Ss, that really does sound sad. I know what you mean. People who get a lot of validation and energy from groups can be very self-absorbed. They are so busy entertaining and engaging that they can't really think about anything else.
I can be a bit like this myself. I love being social and entertaining people. Sometimes I am not really connected to myself or to the others when I do it. It is all about being on and having the people laughing and enjoying themselves and thinking I am just so hilarious. I'm sure that friends have sometimes felt ignored or disconnected or annoyed at this I am sure.
As far as my H and I before BD, yes mostly when things were good we would be connected while with friends. Now when I go out with couples and see them connecting with each other while in a group setting I feel happy for them and a bit jealous. I think it is really nice.
On the other hand Ss you are doing so great! I'm so glad to hear you are happy and feeling good about life! And that is a great story about the trash.
Ss, sounds like your H is an extrovert. How would you describe yourself?
I wouldn't describe myself as an introvert (I do draw my energy from other people) but I am certainly not the life of the party either. I think my H is the same. I guess I ask because when me and my H were out together pre-BD, I think our connection came through the fact that we are both NOT the life of the party and have many boisterous friends. We would tend to sit back, listen and watch what others are saying/doing and connect over that.
If you are an introvert and he is an extrovert I can see how that could be difficult since his attention could be focussed elsewhere while you are taking it all in.
Last edited by ganb8te; 08/31/1408:29 AM.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I've been guilty of doing what you describe, and I'm certainly no extrovert. That said, he probably never even knew he was doing it. He probably has always viewed those situations as a chance to socialize and connect w/ others, not you. He most likely didn't know that you needed that connection/check-in at social events to feel loved. I know I didn't know that, and I most certainly wanted my W to feel loved.
Unfortunately for you, right now is not a time when he cares much about making you happy. You will be best served by setting this need aside and saving it for way down the road when he's ready to hear what more you need from him.
For now, try to keep doing the things that are working and avoid the ones that aren't.
Stay strong!
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Thanks Lisa, Gan and Joe, your insights are hugely helpful!
I think my H is an extrovert BUT I think he would disagree. I'm not sure he knows the difference between being an extrovert and being an internal processor. He is very extroverted: outgoing, friendly, funny, witty, involved and engaged but when there are things going on, he processes them internally.
I, however am an extrovert who processes things externally. I NEED to vent... sometimes over and over... and then I can process things better. I'm finding that writing things in a journal or typing it out here really helps me see things and process them more healthily.
Anyway, like you suggested Joe, I don't plan on bringing this up to him or anything. It was more of an observation.
This morning H came and we all went out to breakfast to a place I suggested. He had never been there and I could tell he tried really hard to let me know he liked the place and would like to go back again. He was SO much more positive. Normally if he sort of didn't like the place he'd say, "meh, it was fine" but that'd be it. Today he said the food was "good", the service sucked but the ambiance was amazing and maybe if we went at a different time it'd be awesome. No invite or anything.
I've noticed H and I have hung out socially every day since Thursday and have plans to do something tomorrow. I'm not sure if it's because he misses D7 or if he enjoys doing things as a family. Who knows.
On our way to breakfast this morning (I drove) I had to get gas. As I pulled into the gas station he got out of the car immediately and filled up my tank. It is something he really has always done. It's so nice and "manly". I expressed my gratitude but I wonder if it just went over his head.
We're hanging out, we're getting along GREAT, we're having a lot of fun, laughing a lot, co-parenting D7 really well together...
all of this is wonderful, but I want him to come home. More time is good, I personally still have a lot of growing to do and the space helps with that but I just wish I could get into his head and see what he's thinking about all this.
Ss, what are your detach strategies lately? I've also been seeing my WAW almost everyday, but we have to in order to get our house ready to sell. We've had fun, but since all of my free time has went towards the house, and she's frequently there, I've found it much harder to detach (I was doing much better 3 weeks ago).
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Good question, Card. I ask myself this constantly. I feel like I'm pretty detached. I want what is best for him from a distance. I'm really good at not falling over myself to rescue him if it's not convenient or something I would do for my neighbor. Because of that, the see saw is tipping in the other direction and he is picking up the slack. He's really doing a great job.
I ask myself all the time how I'd feel if H came to me and said despite all the good going on right now and the promise that is obviously present, he still wants a D. The idea of that hurts but it's not like the changes I've made and the person I'm becoming will have been in vain. I'd hate the "business" of a divorce, dividing things up, what it'd do to D7 long term, etc. but I really will be fine. It's not what I want at all but I really will be fine, better than fine.
I also know that the marriage we had before is unacceptable to me and, while not what I want to do, I am willing to let go and move on if that's not possible. Yes, that means changes on his end. I can't change him though and I completely realize that. I can tell he's trying to be more positive in general (one of my biggest complaints was that he was constantly negative about absolutely everything and that's not an exaggeration even in the slightest). I need more though. So much more.
I can't trust that he'd be a partner. He was always escaping under the guise of "work" or whatever. I won't be set aside again. I need a partner and I deserve that.
I am prepared to be the wife and woman I know how to be. I have done a lot of work in a short amount of time and I will never, ever stop doing that work. I will never be in the position I was in (which I was partially responsible for, I fully admit) for the last 3-4 years of our marriage. I know myself better and I value myself much more. Much more.
If your LL is words of affirmation I could use your guidance.
I would like to affirm H more but I really struggle with this sounding awkward or scripted and I feel even weirder about since we're separated. Things between us are not uncomfortable but I really want to start being better about this and work it into a habit.
Suggestions? I cannot be the root of a better self esteem for him but I certainly can love him the way he needs to be loved.
One thing I was thinking about during the evening when you had to help him out was to give him some props in some way. Not sure what that would sound like (and I totally totally get that it was a 180 for you to not criticize him!). But maybe find a situation where you can try to honestly give him credit.
Maybe something like: "I really appreciate that you made the effort to..." (Even if the end result wasn't what you wanted, or he didn't do it quite right" Or "I love watching you spend time with D7" (well, something to that affect, affirming his role as a good dad). I offered this last suggestion because, even though my H would sometimes tell me I was a good mom, he didn't express that it moved HIM, or made his feelings for me stronger. Maybe I'm not explaining this correctly, but hope it helps a bit.
