Nitty in a Nutshell (Help! I'm in a nutshell!)

[HopeTex]

Ditto you are doing great Nitty.

Apparently an old version of Websters dictionary defined Perseverance as "remaining in a state of grace until we reach a state of glory."

[Nitty]

Thanks for all the votes of confidence but no, I don't believe I'm doing great. You'll see why as you read on. Not handling anything well. Wishing I could really detach.

What does detaching feel like? If I could imagine what it feels like I think I could do it. I read this link: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=75878

And the only way I could feel that way is to stop being in love. What do other people think?

Thanks to everybody who responded to me. We have all been surviving an onslaught. Everybody's stories are so similar!

Jim Conway wrote that MLC is like adolescence, only a teenager is limited in the amount of permanent damage he can do. A teenager can't initiate a divorce or blow the 401K in Vegas, for instance. So I view a MLCer as being a teenager -- that is, a teenager wearing a black trenchcoat, a bad attitude, and looking to get himself some automatic rifles.

Remember that Zits cartoon? I used to clip that comic and put it on my refrigerator door. Everybody I knew who had teenage boys did the same. Because teenage boys always acted the same way. They say the same things, do the same stuff. It's universal.

If I had artistic talent I would make a comic book of MLC behavior. Perhaps you all would clip my comics and post them to your refrigerator, too, and say, "Ha, it's like she is living in my house! She KNOWS."

Maybe if we could always see the humor in it rather than the despair, we could handle it better.

After all, when my boys did a typical teenager tantrum, I was sympathetic, told them they'd feel better soon, and got on with what I had to do that day. Even when they told me, "I hate you!"

But then, my boys couldn't legally dissolve their relationship with me, or find another mom to live with and make me split everything I own down the middle so they could give it to that other mom.

And that analogy is getting a bit weird so I'll just let it go for now.

A boatload of stuff has happened since I wrote last. It's a lot so I'll break it up into posts.

[Nitty]

FRIDAY MORNING:

For the last couple of weeks he has been angry with me, accusing me of trying to hurt him, of lying to him, etc. I know he was working himself up to D me. I couldn't stop it, just go along for the ride.

And I’ve been so anxious, so fearful, constantly fighting my constant urges to prove to him that I really don’t want to D! That I would never try to hurt him! If I could figure out how I’m pushing him away I would stop!

Since I'm DBing, I've been fighting those urges with lots of errors and backsliding. But I did my best to get through it.

The dread that this onslaught would never end has been hanging around me in clouds. And yesterday morning, while I was sniffling and feeling sorry for myself, I received a text from Mr. Gritty, thanking me for forwarding him a business email. And then a little bit later, another text! About some lab results. And then later, yet another... and I knew for sure the switch got flipped. Once again he is chatty and friendly.

So the sniffles stopped and I started breathing again. Breathing like I haven't done in a good long time. I’m okay! And wow! Thank goodness that episode is over! It lasted, like, four weeks!

Let me check: OK, so this storm started on July 29, and apparently ended today. That is four weeks. A whole month of fending off Mr. Gritty's anger and lashing out.

And... to be totally honest?

I would say or do anything to avoid another sh!t storm like the last one.

We still have some overdue financial paperwork. He needs to fill it out. I reminded him earlier in August and he blew up. Will I remind him he still needs to do it and the next month needs to be done, too?

Hell no! I can't bear another sh!tstorm right now. (Let's call them GrittStorms from now on.)

I’m looking at my DB notes, my goal was to repair the friendship. OK, so he’s friendly again. For today. We’ll see. That was easy. LOL.

I'm also looking around at my surroundings, because I haven't been looking at them for a couple of weeks. Sure, I did stuff out of the house, I GAL-ed this month, but the house itself is a mess.

Dog hair all over the floor, dirty laundry, everything is a mess. I haven't cleaned in a long time. My workouts have dwindled to nothing, too. I've lost some weight because I haven't been eating right since the first mediation appointment.

Today I didn't even shower, didn't change out of my PJs, I stink.

Conclusion: I can obviously GAL during a GrittStorm, but I'm not taking care of myself like I'm supposed to. I need to change this.

OK. So there is more to this story.

[Nitty]

FRIDAY NITE

The relief that the GrittStorm finally moved along? That relief was replaced by waterworks again. I took on an extra job for the weekend and wept all through Friday afternoon while trying to finish it.

I can't even enjoy the interludes between GrittStorms anymore. Where I used to think it meant he was getting better, now I know it means he'll start up again over something else eventually.

No expectations that this GrittStorm was the last one. Plenty of expectations that another one is coming, no matter what I say or do. But maybe in the next mediation appointment perhaps he'll be in a less antagonistic mode? Maybe it will be easier for me not to snivel throughout it?

And then... I get another text from Mr. Gritty.

He started with small talk, asked me what I'm doing, told me what he's doing. My DB coach said to repair the friendship, act like his sister, so I kept my answers short and friendly.

The last time we met outside of a mediation office was at a family gathering. He was polite, acted normally until the moment we were alone -- then he turned on his heel and walked away. Started texting me vitriol as soon as he got home. I have had almost nothing but angry texts from him for four weeks, certainly the longest I've gone so far being constantly bombarded.

So I can't describe how off center I felt by these friendly texts. Then he texts: "You want to hang out?"

This is where I wish there was a DB Coach Hotline. I would've paid $50 just to be able to text the situation to a DB coach and have instructions texted right back at me.

I froze in confusion, couldn't write anything. He texted again. "Baby steps. Just hang out. No drama."

I unfroze and told him I was afraid to say no and afraid to say yes. He said, "I understand", "No worries. It's OK Babe. No pressure." I asked him about doing breakfast instead and he said he didn't know. "Just come over now."

So I could go on about all the back and forth and all the vibrating my brain did as it tried to figure out a plan. But the bottom line is that I did something I am not sure I should've done.

A strong, confident woman would've thanked him and told him to ask me again another time. But I did not do this. I decided to go see him. I showered to get rid of the stink but I did not dress up or put on makeup. I wore clean sweats and drove to where he's staying. The entire way I kept arguing with myself:

"You are an idiot."

"No! This is a way to repair the friendship!"

"Only an idiot would think that."

"I don't care what you think! Shut up!"

"You are NOT going to ML!"

"I KNOW! SHUT UP!"

When I got there he was surprised to see me. He said he didn't think I'd come. I didn't say anything much, as I resolved to listen to what he had to say but he didn't say much, either. He asked me to sit down with him on the couch and I did. He put his arm around me and we just sat there. He smelled good to me and it felt good to sit next to him again. He picked up the remote and turned on the TV and we watched a Steve Martin movie with my head on his shoulder. I remembered seeing this movie with him in a theater back in the late 1990s.

When it was over he asked me if I would like some water. I told him I had to go home. He said he wished I didn't have to, but he was glad I had come. I thanked him for inviting me and then I left. We didn't hug. I walked out to my car and he watched to make sure I was okay, waved goodbye.

On the drive home, I remembered that Gottman says you need at least 5 positive interactions for every negative one. I have no illusions whatsoever that this little interaction would do little to offset what happened in the last month. I kept telling myself not to expect anything different or anything the same. No expectations.

When I got home there was a text: "Thanks for stopping by."

[Nitty]

SATURDAY MORNING

I didn't respond to that "Thanks for stopping by" text, as I wasn't sure what to say and certainly not sure if I did the right thing in going to see him. Probably it was a mistake.

I know my sons would be upset with me for going to see him like I did. I know my counselor will think this is a setback (especially since I wept through my last counseling session). I wonder what my DB coach will say. (I wept through that session, too.)

I'm not crying now, just kind of tired. Shell-shocked. I'm still working on the extra job I took, but it's hard to focus and I keep having to redo stuff.

I'm hoping I haven't set myself back. As the day has gone on I haven't heard from Mr. Gritty. No offer to meet for breakfast, no texts at all. He doesn't know what he wants, he is confused. We will probably go through a couple more of these episodes before we're done, one way or another.

Last night was, As Matt165 said once, a little blip of decent. I will probably not hear from him for a couple of days. Who knows.

I'm unsettled, certainly not detached yet.

If there was a pill to take for detachment, I would swallow a whole bottle.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Nitty,

I can understand where you are coming from. It is extremely hard not to read too much into these positive interactions. People who are doing what we are doing are the glass half full kind of people rather than glass half empty. We see hope in everything rather than no hope. I had my first face to face and longest interaction with my wife last night since her attempted suicide in April. it was positive in many ways given the situation. I have to keep reminding myself that this is probably just a blip and things will go quiet again for a while. I am sure you are feeling the same things and want to rush and see more positives. I think we have to exert the greatest restraint to not put pressure on ourselves for change to happen. We need to take some small pleasure from when things and interactions are nice and keep moving forward for ourselves. We need to let them grow and maybe catch up with us when they are ready.

[Shakspr]

Nitty:

W and I ML 11 days ago , 4 days after she filed (and held hands, too!). I prayed all night that this could be a breakthrough, as there were definitely two people linked tightly (and we all know the difference.) The next morning was not bad, but not good and I asked her if anything had changed. Her response, "Why would you think that?"

I responded calmly, "Because I prayed all night that we cuold begin healing." She said, "We all want to heal, but I haven't changed my mind about anything."

Detachment, for me, at that moment was my first DB win. I calmly said. "I understand completely," and walked calmly away. My heart broke a little, but you know what? SHE CAN'T EVER DENY WHAT HAPPENED." Not to herself, not to me if it comes up. I have had no expectations ever since.

So enjoy the calm between the GrittStorms (tm). Laugh in the face of them when they hit! Heck, the madder his texts are, the more fuel you have for mediation. He might want to begin considering that. Likewise, he may be cozying up to get more of what he wants in mediation.

WHO CARES?

You are holding the cards to your future. He can only control his own actions.

Tactical note: Rather than telling him "We have some of those monthly financial things that you need to handle," which puts him on the defensive, ask a question. "Since you have shown a desire to be more friendly lately, and thank you for that,"(validating/appreciating) "what do you think is the best way for us to manage our monthly financial statements without getting under each others' skin?" It puts the ball in his court in a non-threatening way.

[LiveNow]

Nitty - To me, your latest interaction sounds like a positive one. Don't lose hope just yet. You are smart and strong. Trust yourself to make the right decisions. How it all will unfold is anybody's guess, but if you can be civil, friendly, and kind to H, I think that puts you on higher ground, regardless of the outcome. For me, it is SO difficult still to treat him with kindness and compassion, after everything that's happened between us. I think it's great that you seem to be able to put any anger or bad feelings aside, at least for a time. Hang in there. If there is one thing we're all getting VERY good at, it's learning to live with uncertainty. (I was REALLY bad at that before BD, now I think I am becoming an old pro!)

[Matt165]

So sorry things aren't going well,
To tell you the truth, I've been having some "trouble" myself as of late. I'm having difficulty getting myself moving. My D14 is with her mother and I can tell my W has been manipulating her. I have had to take her to school 3 out of 5 days when she was staying with her mother as my W was "too busy" at work to take her and she would have had to walk 20 min.'s. I even picked her up after school yesterday so she wouldn't have to walk home. My older D19 has to work all weekend and we can't get together as I was hoping. I am very much in another anger phase. I can't stop thinking of how my W's choices took everything that was most important from me. How, for years while she was so "depressed" I worked so hard and was so supportive only to have her just throw our M and family away like it meant nothing. If I had done anything to deserve what she has done, if I was really to blame, I wouldn't feel so betrayed.

It just seems like all these MLCers get all that their faithless hearts desire at the expense of us LBS's and all the people that have loved and counted on them for so long. They are the ones that seem to have power over us. Because we still have values and want our M's to work, not just throw away decades of love and fidelity, they get to say what they want, do what they want without thinking about how WE will react. They want company, they call and invite us over. We want company and we're afraid they will see it as "pursuing" and have to think over all the ways they "may" react. That do whatever they get a whim to do whether it hurts others, puts us or people who count on them out, no matter. What THEY want, how THEY feel is more important than solemn vows, promises, obligations, what's best for their own children, whatever. I have had "Zits" cartoons on my fridge many, many times over the years. The thing is, with teenagers, we know they will grow out of the selfish "I am the center of the universe" thinking and behaving. With MLCers, who knows if they will ever "grow back up" and see just how awful they are being. Of course it doesn't help that we live in a society that seems to tell them that they have every "right" to act the way they are.

Hang in there Nitty. At least he didn't expect you to ML after weeks of treating you like crap. I know for me, it's the smug look they get when they get you to do something for them that they have to know they don't deserve! Try and stay centered. I'd advise you to go out and GAL some but I haven't being doing so well on that front lately myself. Try to take your mind off of your H, M, R, everything for the next couple days. Nothing horrible's going to happen for at least that long. Take some time for YOU! Last night really couldn't have hurt so much, all you did was watch a movie and show you are just fine. He's going to do whatever he gets it in his head to do and has very little to do with what we say or do. You'll be fine.

[Nitty]

I am sure you are feeling the same things and want to rush and see more positives. I think we have to exert the greatest restraint to not put pressure on ourselves for change to happen. We need to take some small pleasure from when things and interactions are nice and keep moving forward for ourselves. We need to let them grow and maybe catch up with us when they are ready.

Lifes Twists, I do want to rush, because (like you) we are running out of time with this impending D. I guess even if we do D there is a chance. You have an incredible story and I am so glad you are there for your W, who is obviously in dire straits.

Tactical note: Rather than telling him "We have some of those monthly financial things that you need to handle," which puts him on the defensive, ask a question. "Since you have shown a desire to be more friendly lately, and thank you for that,"(validating/appreciating) "what do you think is the best way for us to manage our monthly financial statements without getting under each others' skin?" It puts the ball in his court in a non-threatening way.

Thank you thank you thank you for the above. I'm going to use this right away. Sometimes I feel like my brain is not working. I need to be able to come up with this stuff on the fly. I don't know you in person but you've helped me so much already I can't thank you enough.

I don't know if I could've ML... I have always been there for him to show him how much I love and forgive him, but once he initiated D... so far I am unable to detach and keep my hopes from flying right out the roof so I'm not sure I could.

If there is one thing we're all getting VERY good at, it's learning to live with uncertainty. (I was REALLY bad at that before BD, now I think I am becoming an old pro!)

LiveNow, I've read so many books and it seems like the bottom line is "Embrace uncertainty." Wanting to be certain is having expectations, is setting ourselves up to suffer and be unhappy. I see that my entire nature is devoted to research -- so I won't make a mistake, so I will do the right thing. I need to let go of being certain that I am doing the right thing all the time, or to be certain of what's happening. I don't know if we'll ever understand it but learning to accept What Is can't be done without learning to live with uncertainty. (Can we tell this to my belly?)

I am very much in another anger phase. I can't stop thinking of how my W's choices took everything that was most important from me. How, for years while she was so "depressed" I worked so hard and was so supportive only to have her just throw our M and family away like it meant nothing. If I had done anything to deserve what she has done, if I was really to blame, I wouldn't feel so betrayed...It just seems like all these MLCers get all that their faithless hearts desire at the expense of us LBS's and all the people that have loved and counted on them for so long. They are the ones that seem to have power over us. Because we still have values and want our M's to work, not just throw away decades of love and fidelity, they get to say what they want, do what they want without thinking about how WE will react. They want company, they call and invite us over. We want company and we're afraid they will see it as "pursuing" and have to think over all the ways they "may" react. That do whatever they get a whim to do whether it hurts others, puts us or people who count on them out, no matter. What THEY want, how THEY feel is more important than solemn vows, promises, obligations, what's best for their own children, whatever.

Matt, I met a woman whose WAS left her with 2 young children. Her IC told her, "Imagine what it would be like to be in a R with someone who worked on the R just as hard as you do." She said it made her able to let go of her WAS.

I tried to accept this statement but it kept me in the "betrayed" mode, where I kept remembering how hard I worked (and I worked so hard, just like you) and how H still ran away. Whenever I fall back in this mode I get so resentful and angry and it is so draining.

Then it hit me, "Imagine what it would be like if I worked on myself as hard as I worked on the R." That was HUGE.

Cadet always welcomes LBS with the statement that we have been given the gift of time and we need to work on ourselves. You and I need to work on ourselves. How we respond to their faithlessness is our choice, we do have the power whether we think so or not.

I say this, Matt, but I am not there yet. I imagine you looking in your D's face, and the scope of your W's faithlessness to your entire family overwhelms you.

I wish I could snap my fingers and make you and me always remember that we are in control of ourselves 100% all the time: the WAS has no power over the us, unless we give them that power.

You and I still give our WAS the power, to our own detriment. They are not hurting us. WE are hurting us. We've got to stop and focus on US, not them.

If we could really BELIEVE this, I would stop feeling so scared all the time and you could stop feeling so angry. And our lives would improve right away no matter what our WAS do. Think of the lesson it would provide our kids. Not to ever be a victim, but in control of our happiness!

I'm not preaching. I'm failing at this so far. It's like, I can see this prize, I'm reaching for it, and it is just out of my reach. But I'm going to keep reaching. One day I will grab it and make it mine.