Wow, Ss, what a generous spirit you have! Maybe it will be good for him to find his way a little bit-- I know that has helped me develop some confidence.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
I think you handled that really well. Lovingly, but detached and not trying to win him over. You didn't scold. You didn't try to make him feel guilty. You gave him help, asked him to be sure to do certain things that have to happen, and made a couple of friendly suggestions, and even gave him the old pat on the butt for encouragement.
If he didn't come away from that feeling at least somewhat more positive about you, he really may be crazy. Stay strong! You are doing amazing!
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Hi Ss, I agree with the others. Congrats are in order!
And also he should be having some serious feelings of admiration for you now. Not only is he realizing how difficult it is to pull off what you do, you have also been able to help him. If he's not a complete idiot he is realizing how amazing you are.
I'm not so sure he notices much other than i'm not making his life harder but I'm still happy with my actions and words so that's that.
We met up today for kid exchange (hate that) over coffee. I did my hair (which is getting long and H loves that), make up, smell like the beach and have lost more weight (can't really lose any more so gotta watch that). I hope he notices.
I guess it's good that our kid exchange is an event and not some thing done in the driveway where he doesn't even turn off the car ("tuck and roll, D7, tuck and roll). We talked about all kinds of things but he wants a more consistent visitation schedule and I agree. I guess I wish we didn't have to even talk about that and he'd just say, "things are obviously so great I think I'll come home now and we can go have intensive sessions with MWD and go to Retrovaille and all will be well". Alas.
The bright side is, the worst of all this is having to talk visitation with our daughter. There's no D talk. No angry exchanges, no punitive actions or remarks.
I realized this morning that he took my trash out. No joke. This is something HE NEVER DID when he was living here. I asked him about it and he said he did it last night because he noticed it was overflowing and I always felt like I was living with a 12 year old. My jaw fell to the floor and I've not picked it up yet. We have been fighting for 10 years over him taking the trash out when it's full rather than stuffing it down and waiting for someone else to do it (me). I feel like I'm living in a fantasy world... I just hope that world turns into one with us staying married and not one where he gets the idea we're doing great separate and should get a D but since we're not there, I'm thinking about MUCH more positive things.
H is off to sign autographs today so that should be a good ego boost. He deserves it.
I will be hanging out with awesome friends and their awesome kids at a pool party all afternoon and evening. H is invited and when his event is over he may show up but it doesn't matter because I'm happy with myself, in my own bubble and really radiating that joy all over the freaking place. And I can say with honesty that it's not fake. Maybe I faked it until I became it but I am genuinely happy and content with myself which is something I haven't felt in a LONG time. It feels great and I'm excited about life.
Off to go pick out some fun cheeses to share with our friends today and buy a memory card for D7's new underwater camera. So much fun to be had today!!!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
So I am curious about your dynamic with your spouse pre BD.
When you two were out with friends, say at their house would you two feel connected?
Here's why I'm asking:
H is very entertaining. Hilarious and generally the life of the party. When we are hanging out with other people, we have no connection. And I'm talking for 18 years before BD to even now. He is so outwardly connected to the other people but he's not inwardly connected to himself or me. I realize it's a different situation now that we're separated but I think that's why we have no problem getting along when we're out with others... He doesn't check in, he doesn't take notice, he is too busy being ON. So at get togethers with friends I became the SOLE parent for D7, was the one offering to do dishes or whatever, but he barely even spoke to me.
It's something I always noticed... like there was no rub of my back after dinner or subtle check in with me "you ok, babe?" with a kiss or even a teeny tiny conversation on the side like "hey, this is good wine, what do you think?" It's like I wasn't even there. He's so externally involved that it's like he didn't even notice me.
I just don't get it, I guess. It would have been nice if had even ONE intimate moment as just the two of us while passing each other in the hall way or whatever, I don't know... instead he treated me like a stranger.
It seems petty as I type it right now but we missed so many opportunities to share a second of intimacy and we couldn't even stay connected while out having a good time with company.
So, tonight, like any other night out with friends, H and I barely looked at each other. It's sad really.
