It looks like I lost a post or two during the board maintenance. Damn.
(Edited to add: I just missed Shakespr's post! Hey, buddy, we were writing responses at the same time.)
Trying to remember what I wrote Sunday night: I thanked everyone for their comfort, even though it initiated waterworks. I also thanked Shakspr for the verse and the link to the pdf, because they carried me through a rough patch.
I also wrote about how my mediation reprieve was short-lived, rescheduled for early this week.
After I posted Sunday night (and the board gremlins ate my posts), I got some angry texts and emails from Mr. Gritty about all sorts of stuff. No matter how I responded, he just seemed to get angrier.
I panicked and finally called and set up a couple of DB coaching appointments, damn the cost. Full speed ahead!
My coach was great. She helped me write responses to the type of texts I was receiving and gave me a strategy to follow. The angry texts and emails kept coming afterward and my DB responses got kind of iffy. I think I need more practice.
In the middle of all that, a weird thing happened. He stopped the angry texts, and sent me a text about an item on sale at a local store that he'd just seen and told me to check it out. I was like, what the hell?
Then he went back to the angry texts.
The next day was our second mediation session. I wore a nice dress, one Mr. Gritty always liked, put on full makeup and styled my hair. Not dressing up as if for a date, but as if going to a business function or when I have to give a presentation.
I did two minute power poses before the session, recited verses and affirmations, prayed and meditated and updated my requests on a couple of prayer lists I put us on, and who knows what all else I did. If I thought it helped, I did it.
When he walked into the office and saw me, his face softened just a little bit. But he quickly put his grumpy face back on and got down to business.
It wasn't long before I was sniffling and quickly lost the Wonder Woman attitude. Dammit. Maybe next time I'll make it all the way through without sniveling.
It was just so awful sitting in that chair in that office.
As expected, the financial part was the worst. The good part of this story is that our mediator was helpful. He counseled us both on better communication, told H to back off a bit, told me to be more assertive. His support helped me stand up to H when H started to boil over about the $.
After the meeting I got more angry texts, but these were not about $ or the stuff he'd been haranguing me for before mediation... this was about different stuff.
Eventually he stopped. A couple of hours later he sent me another odd text about a medical treatment he'd just had. I responded sympathetically but thought, "what the hell!"
He is so all over the place.
We have another appt next week. I need to get my head on straight so I can face it like the strong, confident woman I want to be.
I am hereby putting myself into DB Boot Camp. I solemnly swear to review at least 3x daily the notes I took during our DB session.
The strategy:
Focus on rebuilding a friendship, because the R has disintegrated so much. Weve got to be friends again, first.
"Retrain" H. As soon as H becomes belligerent, say, "You know what, I'm not going to have this convo with you." And stop. If I continue the convo when he is hostile, I'm showing him I'll accept that behavior.
I knew all this before my DB session, but hell, I know of thousands of things I'm supposed to be doing. This is just what I need to focus on NOW.
I was too scattered before. Now I'm just gonna focus on doing two things right.
Last edited by Nitty; 08/29/1403:53 AM.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Those are great things to work on and you CAN do them!
Responding to him when he gets angry is useless because he's LOOKING for a reason to fire back at you. Don't engage. Say, "we can resume this conversation when you're calm and levelheaded." or something like that. If you put your foot down about that he'll be PISSED at first but he will learn he can't treat you like that if he wants to say wants to say. One step at a time.
Remember, we teach people how to treat us. So teach him you're unwilling to put up with disrespect in ANY form. It is unacceptable.
p.s. I'm blown away by his meanness and then his random photo post of something on sale and then being mean again. WTH? It's like he can't decide where he stands. It's frightening.
A really crazy email I got from him included this eye-opener:
"You won. I am broken. But I will get better. I always do. The sad part is that everyone is telling me to stop killing myself over guilt."
He betrayed me, I forgave him, he left me, he spent our money on other women, I forgave him some more, he initiated D, and somehow I have broken him?
What really, really su cks?
He used to be the sweetest, most honorable man. Super smart, incredibly rational, full of common sense and good judgment.
By the way, thanks for this line: "we can resume this conversation when you're calm and levelheaded." I'm adding it to my arsenal.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
"You won. I am broken. But I will get better. I always do. The sad part is that everyone is telling me to stop killing myself over guilt."
He betrayed me, I forgave him, he left me, he spent our money on other women, I forgave him some more, he initiated D, and somehow I have broken him?
Your response to him through this is unexpected. You have only broken his expectations that you would roll over and die when he came at you with the divorce. Or fight back the way he wants you to fight. If his support structure/ good people in his life are telling him anything, they are saying "If you feel guilty about this, do something different." But that's not what he lets himself hear.
As you said before, MLC MADNESS!
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Yes, your Mr. Gritty and my GUBU are probably doing live chats on HOWTOMAKEYOURWIFECRAZY.com!
They certainly are pulling some of the same craziness.
The angry texts interspersed with normal, or even nice stuff.
GUBU blamed his last bout of nastiness on "driving". Since when did driving make you say mean things? And you're not supposed to be texting while driving anyway!
The email about Mr. Gritty's "Victimization" by your circumstances was too much! I know it's horrible, but you almost have to laugh. It is so nutty!
And the "friends" who keep telling him he needs to "get over his guilt." Yes. They are SO helpful, giving advice about things they know nothing about.
Our H's will listen to anyone who tells them what they want to hear. If they are wise to the real situation and are trying to give him a clue, as Shakspr said, he will twist it to fit his own agenda.
Good for you for doing the coaching and keeping your cool. (And looking great!) It's SO hard.
Mr. Gritty will get angry whenever things don't go his way. Or because of global warming, the plight of the honeybees... whatever.
He will get angry at YOU when you don't act in the ways he anticipated. When you don't give him the ammo he wants in order to blame you and distance himself emotionally from you.
After all, he doesn't know about having NO EXPECTATIONS.
Your failure to meet his expectations is p*ssing him off!
In the past, that might have worked against you. Now it's working FOR YOU.
It's really hard to argue with someone who *appears* to be agreeing with you, who is calm, pleasant, an eager listener... and who looks great and smells even better. And who is of the "fairer" sex.
Granted, we have to overcome their negatively weighted historical perception of us, but at the very least, we can make them question that perception.
Stay strong!
---GGG
PS: GUBU used to be a great guy too, (with the exception of his little "online problem"). Everybody loved my H; he was sociable, a real good samaritan, of sterling character. Loyal and caring. That's why I married him. This GUBU guy is a real piece of work!
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Hi Nitty, I get that weird stuff as well. I have gotten several texts about where to get gas cheap from my W. One just out of the blue a couple days after she blew up and went to her lawyer and told him to finalize everything, she's had "enough" (I asked if I could keep a clock we had bought together when she was at the house collecting all the "stuff" she wanted to take in the D. How dare I ask to keep something she wanted! I didn't demand, I just asked nicely and SHE blew up!). The "guilt" thing is so common as well. i got that I was "making" her feel guilty. Gee, maybe it's that what you are doing is wrong, hurtful to even your own kids and that"s why you feel guilty? MLCers seem to have to blame every "Bad feeling" they have on us. Remember, if we're not the problem then they might have to stop and realize what the real problem is ....and that would mean looking inside, something that scares them more than anything!
My W would get angry when her "true" friends would tell her that she needed to think before ending her 20 year M. All she wanted to hear was how she should do what she thought she needed. Her real friends were frozen out and the ones that just said what they knew she wanted to hear were now her "real" friends. This really is a form of madness we're dealing with. There is no logic allowed to interfere with what they "want" to think.
Hi Nitty - following along on your thread, as I am creeping toward (well, being dragged into) mediation myself soon. Don't have the slightest idea what to expect, but I'll look into your 'power poses'! You sound like you've done all you can do to prepare -- these meetings must be SO difficult, and I am trying to prepare for them too. You're going great. Keep right on going...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
