First post - My WAH story

[Ss06]

It made me laugh, too, Pilot. Sometimes men are not so subtle.

[LisaB]

Hi Jacket, oh too bad I see many of our previous posts have been deleted. But yes, I say do not send that flowery email. I still say if you want to send something write one that is much shorter and more succinct. "we have decided to split but we hope to remain friends. Hopefully this does not cause discomfort for you, our friends and loved ones"

And I don't think you have to explain to your H that his version is not what you experienced. I would be much more blunt and just say something like "we don't need to tell every detail of the story over this mass email. Let's keep it simple" and if he complains you can just tell him he is free to tell his long version of the story in person to friends and family.

Funny story about the French guy. Sounds like he is projecting. He feels there is something deeper behind your smile and so he says you have pain. Or your friend mentioned something that is going on with you and he is grabbing at that. Keep on flirting, girl!

Hugs, LisaB

[Jacket]

So I had to break NC this morning and ask H if he was going to return the library books. He said he was going to return them a week and a half ago, and he still hasn't. They're due tomorrow. So I text and he responds that he will return them today. He then follows it with this: "Have you had time to look at the email? I'd like to send it out."

My immediate knee jerk response is fury. I didn't take your advice, Lisa, and instead stated my truth: "I'm not OK with the version you've drafted. While some of it rings true, the main part of it does not. It does not at all reflect what you and I discussed it was going to say."

H: "I changed what I wanted to say and in the end felt it was best to keep it simple which is just to make the announcement."

Me: "I also think it's too long and contains too many personal details. I don't think it's necessary to state that we went through MC. You had said you were fine with saying that you were the one who wants the divorce and that I do not. The way you have it written makes it sound like we have mutually decided. I don't feel like it was kept simple at all. It's really long. And I'm all for keeping things simple, but the tone of it does not feel true to me at all. The way it reads to me is that you want it to seem like we've mutually decided to divorce. It seems like you still don't want to take ownership over the fact that you are the one asking for it." Yes, I was redundant in my response, but I was and am still angry about it.

H: "I don't think this letter should be us airing out our differences. It should be simply facts. I am fine with making it simpler. It's not beneficial to either of us to start stating he said, she said here. We'll just come off as bitter. I am fine with being the one asking for it."

I am still so angry and cannot think about how to calmly reply. Can anyone help here?

[Jacket]

Me: "I agree that we should not be doing he said she said. But it is written in such a flowery and happy, Disney style that feels untrue to me. It feels disingenuous."

H: "Then I'll need your version. I don't think it's flowery or Disney. And yes, I am happy. Sad and very emotional at times, but ultimately doing what I feel is best for me."

[Maybell]

I don't know if this has been addressed but what if you compromised and said he can send whatever he wants to his family and a specific list of friends, and you will send whatever you want (or not) to your family and a specific list of friends?

A letter presenting simple facts would sound like the J-Lo and Marc Anthony divorce announcement and would not require that much detail. It's really not helpful for you all to advertise who wants the divorce, especially if you hope to eventually reconcile.

Sorry you're dealing with what looks to me like a really stupid issue, but the sooner you can get it off the table the better off you both will be. As long as this is hanging over your head it's going to be hard to react reasonably to anything else.

[Jacket]

Yes, it does feel like a really stupid issue and I just feel stuck in it.

[Maybell]

So why engage? Your friends and family will know the truth no matter what he sends out. His matter less.

[Jacket]

We just have a bunch of mutual friends. Actually, I guess there's not that many of them, now that I think about it. My friends and family (or at least all of the main ones) already know, so I guess you're right.

[pilot]

Sorry you are stressed. Take a moment to catch your breath and relax. Why the rush to send this email out? Maybe you write your own version in your own words. If nothing else it will highlight the differences better than just stating them


However I am still of the opinion to NOT send out an announcement. No one else's business and can't help long term reconciliation

[Georgiabelle]

Yes, your h can send whatever he chooses and quite frankly, people (including your h) will think what they think. Btw, I sent one of these emails out when my xbf and I ended our 7 yr R. It was however, a different ending.

If you MUST send something (and I don't think you need to) suggest, " x and I are no longer together. As you can imagine, this is a difficult time. Thank you for respecting our privacy."

I realize that's very celebrity-ish. However, people will either ask what happened or not. It is factual, brief and true. It's not your job to help whoever reads it feel better.

Take care of yourself. Hang in there! It does get better:-)