Dealing with WAW part 4

[pilot]

My W is afraid of her dad in the sense she feels he is too controlling. She often complained about him during our M and how he treated her mom and even her. He is a pretty nice guy. He does like having control though. MC thought he was an issue in the few times we went. But I took her comments as text book replies due to the fact we had not really had much time to talk about anything.

[igit]

Pilot do some reading on narcissist and what damage they cause to most of there relationships. My fil. Is classic N. They are usually very controlling, everything they do or say is usually about satisfying there own ego do to low self esteem. I don't know about your w history with her dad but it sounds like it maybe is issue in your m. I know in my sitch I new there was an issue but really didn't understand the magnitude. You live with and love someone for so long you tend to overlook alot. One thing that I know impacted my w during a talk. If you have a chance to have that talk maybe a way into conversation would be to talk about your kids and what kind of r you want with them. Talk about your R with your parents growing up. Maybe she will open up a little. My wife opened up to me and I told her I wish I new how deeply this hurt her. I told her it was not her fault she was a little girl. And how much I wanted to love that little girl. I thought it was a break thru it really seem to hit home at the time. But 2 steps forward 10 back you know the routine. Just some thought on reading up on it . It May Help YOU Understand Some issues

[Roid76]

Pilot,

Take my next comments with a grain of salt, I have a bit different scenario. I didn't like using the playing with phone technique you used when out with her and the kids the other day. To me, if you have an oppurtunity, why try to do something that annoyed you? To me it was like a game which is fine, but really if you get time is it not better spent showing the good you? Talking, making a joke, doting on the kids? These things to me, would seem to build something much better. Only my opinion.

[pilot]

Pilot,

Take my next comments with a grain of salt, I have a bit different scenario. I didn't like using the playing with phone technique you used when out with her and the kids the other day. To me, if you have an oppurtunity, why try to do something that annoyed you? To me it was like a game which is fine, but really if you get time is it not better spent showing the good you? Talking, making a joke, doting on the kids? These things to me, would seem to build something much better. Only my opinion.

Roid, I will give your comments full value, and thanks for posting. You are absolutely right that time spent with W would be better off doing positives. I guess I am just trying something different. Since she just moved here into her new place, I wanted to set the tone of I was not going to be readily available and it is quite possible I will be doing something else with someone else. I wanted to set the tone, but not actually say it. Was I wrong, probably. In fact I probably would have advised others here not to do it. But I am trying something different in almost a gambling fashion. I am leaning towards the route of completely dropping the rope and moving on (in appearance with someone else without actually being someone else). I guess I am doing this because I really am getting close to the end of my rope.

Truth be told, I am certain I could be spending a lot more time with my W and she would be ok with it. I am pretty certain that I could be at the very least taking her and the kiddos out to dinner several times a week when she has them and schedules permit. While part of me wants to do that, in keeping with what I had been doing over the summer when we were all together, the other part thinks that has not been working. Or maybe it has not been working quick enough for my impatient self...who knows.

Roid, I honestly just do not know what to do anymore, nor if I even want to do it. All in all my situation is not nearly as bad on the surface as many people here have it. There are no fights, no name calling, no refusal to see each other. There is not really even a D pending as she never served me yet. There is just no movement and seemingly no thought on her end on our M whatsoever. That was coming from what she said about not having given our M any thought. Now I know that is probably not true, but wtf, why say it?

[Roid76]

I have been there on numerous days. Do I want to go on, can I keep doing this? I to don't have it as bad as some others, but just because it doesn't look bad doesn't mean it feels any different to us. And I don't blame you for trying different things at all. We are in similar situations as far as where we are, but still everyone is a bit different. My wife responds well to positive actions, so I will try to keep those up, and besides it helps my moods anyway.

As far as her saying what she said? She was just spouting off, still upset, still unsure, and still in turmoil a bit. My wife has said recently, that even if we got back together she doesn't want to be married to anyone, she could have been better off single and had more for her life! I don't believe that at all. She says that to just try and feel good for her, ignore it and move on. Maybe one day we will get the true feelings from them, but not anytime soon I don't think.

[pilot]

So I was facetiming with my kiddos and when the kids were done she put the camera on her and started talking about stuff. My picture was up in the upper corner of my screen and so I started pointing down while she was talking. She stopped talking and was like 'what?' Then she got it and noticed she had big cleavage on the screen. She started laughing and zoomed in on it. She went back to talking...leaving the cleavage in view. Cruelty! haha, she prob knew what she was doing.

Oh well. Good happy upbeat talk at least.

[u-turn]

Pilot & Roid,
I too feel I am at the same point on many days. Is it really worth it? I also feel like my situation is similar to both of yours and not as bad as others, but it also seems like it could linger forever in the same pattern forever if not pushed.

Early on when I did push her to make a decision, she said she chooses herself (which is choosing inaction and preferring to keep things as they are).

I wish I had the magic solution to all of this - and keep looking here for it. But I really know it is all up to how long we can hold on.

[igit]

We all our in similar sitch. WAW syndrome. The GAL helps. You have to give the appearance that you are moving forward with your life. It stinks and it's hard , I have been doing this since late Jan. She is not the person I want to spend my life with as she acts now. I don't know if she will come around or not. That's for her to figure out. Just be the best you you can be. Those positive changes you have made for yourself are for you regardless of our outcomes. I have grown so much closer to kids in this time. I got more active in church, which has been a great thing for how I look at people. Even doing the bible study stuff with some really good men. As bad as this has been to go through I know the kind of person I am and want to be. Read the book by Gary Smalley how to win your wife back before its to late. Great read and perspective on our sitches. Take the high road always. You will never regret it. Hope that helps a little

[Casey]

I honestly just do not know what to do anymore, nor if I even want to do it. All in all my situation is not nearly as bad on the surface as many people here have it. There are no fights, no name calling, no refusal to see each other. There is not really even a D pending as she never served me yet. There is just no movement and seemingly no thought on her end on our M whatsoever.

This fits my situation exactly too.

I like to read your thread because there are many parallels to what is going on with my W, but you seem to be on speaking terms with yours. Do you feel that is effective to be somewhat available and friendly as opposed to just businesslike or serious and to the point? I quit doing the friendly and available in my situation because I can sense her response is faked and I want the cake eating to end.

At what point do you decide that it is futile and you move on with your life? Or move on in the sense that you start pursuing someone else and accept your W is not coming back?

[pilot]

This fits my situation exactly too.

I like to read your thread because there are many parallels to what is going on with my W, but you seem to be on speaking terms with yours. Do you feel that is effective to be somewhat available and friendly as opposed to just businesslike or serious and to the point? I quit doing the friendly and available in my situation because I can sense her response is faked and I want the cake eating to end.

At what point do you decide that it is futile and you move on with your life? Or move on in the sense that you start pursuing someone else and accept your W is not coming back?

You know, I honestly mix it up. I go for a stretch it seems where I am friendly and available, and she responds in kind. Then I will go business-like (only kid related) and not as available, she she seems to respond in kind as well. On the surface it would one might think 'well, why not stay friendly?' But either way seems to result in the same stalemate, or non movement. Also our 'friendly' spurts have usually been interrupted by necessary discussions which result in different points of view (such as schools and where the kids will live). I too am afraid of the cake eating, although 25 seems to think that may not be happening. Who knows for sure. I just tend to retreat to NC/only kid stuff when I get confused about what is going on. It is like my safe place.

Who knows at what point you decide it is futile. You can see for some people here it only took a few months and some it took years. Some have been at it for over a year and still working on it. Every situation is different and every person will have their limit. I do not know where mine is, but it feels like it is close at hand short of seeing any movement. I also may just push the issue myself and move the D along. She will either go along with the D happily or she may start to second guess and want to talk R. I just have to be in a place where either way is fine with me before I pull the trigger on that one. I think I am almost there.