We'll see. It's not wholly off the cards. She's said several times, more in anger than as a seriou suggestion: 'If sex is so important to you, why don't you look elsewhere?' But I do puzzle over the ethics of looking for a lover who could/would accept sex and not a relationship.
Me: 65, Wife: 67 Married/Together: 34 years! No children Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013
We'll see. It's not wholly off the cards. She's said several times, more in anger than as a seriou suggestion: 'If sex is so important to you, why don't you look elsewhere?' But I do puzzle over the ethics of looking for a lover who could/would accept sex and not a relationship.
In your situation, she has given you the green light and most people in this society could "forgive" you for taking care of your wife, while also taking care of your sexuality outside of her because of her becoming more asexual/lesbian.
I wouldn't wait around for her to do anything. I would observe what she is attracted to in OTHER men to see if there is anything that she's liking in others. I wouldn't be trying to catch her with the circumstances as they exist.
Free your mind by giving yourself the possibility of the entire world. There are 3 billion or more eligible women on this earth who could take on your sexual needs and be happy to do so.
As far as having a lesbian/asexual wife, attempting to feel a draw of attraction from her, or to feel the lust from a woman who desires you is not going to happen. So you are missing that type of attention. It's interesting she has it in her to do the cuddle sessions with you, especially if she enjoys the closeness with a MAN. It would normally be weird in your situation.
We all wish you the best.
I would get the wife to re-iterate that she does want you to take on the sexual and intimate portion from outside of her.
Then open your mind to the true possibilities which are ALL AROUND YOU. It will be freeing.
We'll see. It's not wholly off the cards. She's said several times, more in anger than as a seriou suggestion: 'If sex is so important to you, why don't you look elsewhere?' But I do puzzle over the ethics of looking for a lover who could/would accept sex and not a relationship.
"Ethically", you don't have a problem as long as you aren't sneaking around and she is aware of it. Considering the position you are forced into, it is a rather humane choice.
The problem is not mine alone. What do I have to offer another partner? Sex but NOT a relationship? A third person and their needs and respect for them, that's also in the ethical stew.
Me: 65, Wife: 67 Married/Together: 34 years! No children Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013
With great sadness, I’ve returned to Michele's book, ‘The Sex-Starved Marriage’. If nothing changes, she sees three possible outcomes: to stay together and keep complaining and stay angry and frustrated; to divorce or have an affair, or finally ‘to try a little acceptance’: ‘Three: you can decide to accept what isn’t changeable about your marriage. You can deliberately choose to let go of your ideal notion about your sexual relationship. If your marriage is basically a good one other than your sexual relationship, you can tell yourself, “I love my spouse. She is a good person. Other than our sexual relationship, our marriage means a lot to me. I’m not going anywhere. I wish things would be different, but I am going to accept him or her the way s/he is. I will not take his or her lack of interest in sex personally. It’s about him or her, not me. From now on, I won’t make sex an issue between us. I will focus on the strengths in our marriage and work hard at letting go of the rest.”’
That’s where we’re at. I’ve tried everything. We’ve been in therapy, together and apart. This book gave me great hope when I first read it – but my pushing for change only lead my wife to come out as a lesbian. And who can expect a lesbian to feel any desire for a straight man? I have so been hoping that we could find some form of compromise, some way of incorporating some gayness into our love-making. But my wife is really an asexual lesbian, with seemingly no ability to try anything, make any efforts (other than staying with me, and not look for a lesbian partner, no small compromise on her part). So with immense sadness, I am trying to mourn the sex-life I’ve never had and now will never have, and as Michele suggests, focus on the good things that we do have and share.
I do plead for greater awareness and visibility for Mixed Orientation Couples, and notably this minority of a minority of which I am part: the straight men married to lesbians, and wanting to stay with them, and try to make this hellishly difficult dynamic ‘work’.
Me: 65, Wife: 67 Married/Together: 34 years! No children Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013
‘Three: you can decide to accept what isn’t changeable about your marriage. You can deliberately choose to let go of your ideal notion about your sexual relationship. If your marriage is basically a good one other than your sexual relationship, you can tell yourself, “I love my spouse. She is a good person. Other than our sexual relationship, our marriage means a lot to me. I’m not going anywhere. I wish things would be different, but I am going to accept him or her the way s/he is. I will not take his or her lack of interest in sex personally. It’s about him or her, not me. From now on, I won’t make sex an issue between us. I will focus on the strengths in our marriage and work hard at letting go of the rest.”’
This is where I'm at, except I still feel it can change as W works through her crisis, and learns to trust me again. The fact that she doesn't have an OM and is still in the M means a lot to me. I can't see myself bailing on her just because she's not interested in, or ready for, a sexual relationship. The rest of our relationship is worth too much to me.
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That’s where we’re at. I’ve tried everything. We’ve been in therapy, together and apart. This book gave me great hope when I first read it – but my pushing for change only lead my wife to come out as a lesbian. And who can expect a lesbian to feel any desire for a straight man? I have so been hoping that we could find some form of compromise, some way of incorporating some gayness into our love-making. But my wife is really an asexual lesbian, with seemingly no ability to try anything, make any efforts (other than staying with me, and not look for a lesbian partner, no small compromise on her part). So with immense sadness, I am trying to mourn the sex-life I’ve never had and now will never have, and as Michele suggests, focus on the good things that we do have and share.
I do plead for greater awareness and visibility for Mixed Orientation Couples, and notably this minority of a minority of which I am part: the straight men married to lesbians, and wanting to stay with them, and try to make this hellishly difficult dynamic ‘work’.
I applaud you for sticking it out and "trying everything". I question how long you'll be able to accept a situation that you see as a "hellishly difficult dynamic". If you can't find a way to see it in a more healthy light, it will not work well for you.
As good as it can be, sex really is only one part of a M. How important of a part we allow it to be is up to us.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I'm working to really, deeply accept the reality of our situation, as it is. A church minister friend challenged me some time back to see ‘paix et plénitude’. I had an hour with him two days ago. I said that I could see some glimpses of peace, but none of plenitude, though of course I’d accept the gift it was given.
He rightly says that these things have to be found alone, cannot depend on what others give or don’t give. But his picture of marriage seems to be (is he just saying this for me?) pretty minimalist. A companion in life can be cherry on the cake, a nice extra, on top of the peace and plenitude found elsewhere. He talked of Mandela, who found spaces of freedom within the prison, and said that I too can find places of freedom, within a partial prison. Yes. He said that he heard in me several different voices, and that’s normal (head, heart) but that it might help to try to separate these different voices are saying. Yes again.
He wonders if I don’t need to undertake a serious psychotherapy. Perhaps. I said I’d keep the thought in mind, but that I have a feeling that I’ve just taken an important step, not just one in the head, but head and heart, of giving up all hope of change, and mourning what I will never have. He didn’t like the word ‘mourn’ at all. He wanted to call it a parenthesis. But I insisted. I’m giving up all hope of change. I feel that’s important; that’s what I need to do. The hope of peace lies in giving up any hope of change, if that makes any sense?
Me: 65, Wife: 67 Married/Together: 34 years! No children Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013
Still no real change, but more peaceful now that I've accepted that she won't/can't change, just isn't able to, for whatever reasons. I suspect that there's a real danger that IF she reconnected with her sexual self, she'd leave me for another woman.
Starting with a new therapist next week... In English. (I live in Switzerland, and all therapy thus far has been in French.)
Me: 65, Wife: 67 Married/Together: 34 years! No children Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013
Still no real change, but more peaceful now that I've accepted that she won't/can't change, just isn't able to, for whatever reasons. I suspect that there's a real danger that IF she reconnected with her sexual self, she'd leave me for another woman.
You should be thanking her in that case, you guys can be best buddies, and you can find someone else to use as lover and sex partner on towards the 2nd half of your life...
Starting with a new therapist next week... In English. (I live in Switzerland, and all therapy thus far has been in French.) [/quote]
