Back on land from the awesome cruise vacation- I so needed it!! I noticed a day or so in how much more relaxed I felt being away from all the stress. Even on " good" days at home I didn't realize how much if a toll this was all taking on me emotionally.
Driving back home now and hoping I'm recharged enough to continue this MLC marathon! Got a welcome home text from H this morning. At least it's a nice start!
Going to catch up on others threads over the next few days. Hope all are doing well.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Wow- back from vacation today and there is much to report already.
H had the three boys while I was away and apparently had a really rough week ( due to other stuff- more on that later) but still cleaned, did laundry and grocery shopped for me before I got home today. That was really thoughtful!!
So I noticed he didn't seem too good emotionally and finally we had an opportunity to talk. I didn't push- just said is there anything I can help with? Then everything started spilling out. He was stressed about call regarding our back taxes and how we were going to pay everything on time. ( especially since he has no job right now and has to figure out living arrangements). Then the biggie- some events this week triggered some memories from his military time he didn't remember until now. Thankfully he was able to keep it together with the kids but said he became physically ill and was in horrible mental anguish. He went to his counselor the next day and the thought is he definitely has some PTSD. He continued to share and then said- " I have no answers about anything- I don't know what to do about us, I don't know about work or where to live. I haven't felt such emptiness and pain in so long". I didn't say much, just nodded and said that sounded awful and did he want a hug. He fell into me and I just held him while he cried ( I cried too- he was clearly in so much pain). Then after some time of holding him it progressed to ML that was clearly an opportunity for him to connect emotionally and he just hugged me silently after.
Later we were having more conversations about our taxes and trimming some expenses etc. It got a bit stressful and he stopped and said- " I have no idea what's going to happen with us and I'm not planning one way or other. The desperation you hear is a weeks worth of fear of eventually being alone with no home or money and I'm probably not communicating well so try not to let this stress you." I stopped and held his hand and said ok, thank you for clarifying. I won't let you be homeless. Then he said well S19s room isn't going to be available because he's coming home more often. Later I said to him that we could figure something out and convert one of the other rooms if need be. He said I might need to do that for a bit, but I want to do it the right way. He seemed very pensive and introspective but not in a foggy way, in a things are becoming more clear way.
So this is all extremely positive, and I have a great deal of compassion for him right now given everything he is dealing with. I had no idea about the PTSD and I'm sure the MLC tunnel is bringing much of this forth for him to work through. Right now I just want to help him and make sure he knows I'm here as a friend no matter what. It's hard to stay detached when these things happen, but I know I still have to balance hope with no expectations. Whew this is hard!
I will certainly say some prayers for H tonight. Feel free to throw some in too- he needs them.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Don't know where it went, FY, but I did see your last post to me. Lighthouse with benefits- I was cracking up! Just might get a t-shirt with that on it!!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Don't know where it went, FY, but I did see your last post to me. Lighthouse with benefits- I was cracking up! Just might get a t-shirt with that on it!!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Hahaha, I'm glad you liked it. Probably just got lost during the forum downtime.
It looks like none of my past threads got trashed. Good thing too... sometimes I need to go back and read just to remember what all happened the last 2 years!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Ok a very unexpected text R talk was just started by H.
I'm going to copy and paste what's been said thus far as I'm waivering back and forth where I'm going with this and I don't want to screw up.....
H: Just so you know. I might be broken forever... I keep trying... I do love you.. I'm just always going to be a mess I think
Me: I don't think you'll always be a mess to this degree. But I've really decided everyone is a mess. And I love you too even if you're messy and broken, just like I've learned to love myself as messy and broken. But don't feel like I'm putting expectations on you as I'm not. Focus on healing yourself and I'll help where I can.
H: You don't... I put them on me. I can't heal myself. I need a partner... Somehow I can let you in partially but not fully... I'm working on it... But I may never fix it.. I can't be any more honest than that... I'm just broken there.
Me: I understand. Interestingly that is what those iMAGO books are about. That you ultimately need a partner to heal. I don't think you should focus on letting me in but on loving yourself. That's how I was able to start embracing that vulnerability more with you. Do you think you can let someone else in fully?
H: I think ultimately i need to let someone in. I know I do better in a relationship. I require affection (give and receive). I need to love fully in all the ways I can. And to learn new ones too. We started in the right place you and I. We did really well given our circumstances too... I'm just shattered in many ways right now. I'm trying to balance that too. Oddly enough it's not like supermodels are lining up to let me try.
Me: Wow- how odd that they are not lining up- you are pretty cute Ummmm no- I'm not going to help you find anyone new, especially a supermodel! I think I went through what you are a few years back and you followed on the heels of my breakdown. You may not be able to let anyone in until you start working on things in a relationship, I don't know. It seems like you are not at a place for doing that yet- there are some other wounds that need processing first and you need someone to lean on through that. I'm willing to be there to help.
So here's my issue- I go back and forth between getting frustrated and thinking fine already- go find someone and figure your [censored] out!! And thinking that he seems to be reaching out, looking for safety, love and support.
Anyone have any thoughts?
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Remember what the vets tell us, daring. We can't fix 'em. Our spouses have to figure it out themselves, it's the only way it'll stick.
My humble advice: Give H more time and space. Get yourself another patience shovel and try not to whack him with it.
H is in depression, and feels hopeless. The times my W was in that position and reached out to me like your H did I would tell her I had faith that she would figure it out... and then do my best to back off and leave her to it.
The better you are doing on your own, the more attractive you will be. But it has to be REAL, not a show... They can tell the difference. This is why the vets tell us to focus on our life.
I still see a lot of positives in your sitch. If you're gonna look at him, look at that!
Have confidence in yourself, you can do this. You ARE doing it!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks for the support and perspective Ss- I'm trying.
FY- you're right, I went into fix it mode. Ackkkkk! I need to wack myself with the patience shovel! I get very discombobulated when he says those particular things as that usually follows a few days later with the thought that he's never going to be able to figure it out and mentions the D word. It's not that I don't think I would be ok, I would be fine and I am doing fine, it just sends me on that d@mn roller coaster and takes me a minute to regroup. The conversation continued and I'm hoping I didn't say to much. It came up that any attempt at working this out would require starting a new relationship. He wanted details on how that would happen. So I told him it would require starting with a beginners mind, and talked about what I had learned from my mistakes and what I need to focus on differently. I said I couldn't speak for him on that. Maybe it will scare him, maybe not. But he asked so I sent back a short blurb. He said he wanted to get some sleep and reread and respond to things.
Your opinion is always welcome FY- thanks. I'll back off now and just listen and validate.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
When people are in crisis the mistake they often make is thinking that they have to come to some resolution, one way or the other, ASAP. As LBS's we can get trapped in that way of thinking too. But Michele teaches us that having our M in a holding pattern for a bit is ok. Even better than ok if one or both partners are in crisis. We just have to learn to accept it as being ok!
One of my comments to W back when she really wanted to run was "Let's just see what happens". <<< no expectations, no pressure.
She's still here, and present.
It's often said that spouses in crisis are spinning. I'm pretty sure you can see why!
They have to steady themselves before they are able to fully accept our love.
Last edited by ForeverYoung; 08/28/1404:08 PM.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
