BD and 6 months later PA confirmed (2)

[Ss06]

NO! You're not wrong! Your son needs you, too! Moms are crucial but dad's are too! HE NEEDS YOU!!! Don't, don't, don't! Your son will adapt!! I promise! Yes, it [censored] and it's a huge reminder of all you're facing every day but it doesn't go away if you are in his life less. He needs that male example and influence. Plus, it's good for you, too!

Start finding things that you and your S6 do together on the first night he's with you. My daughter has Asperger's so I understand the transition problems and lack of consistency. It will take time but if your time with him is structured and predictable, it will give him a sense of calm and he'll associate that with you.

Does your s6 have any sensory needs?

[Bunches]

Thanks SS! I think my friend just had me worried for a minute that I was thinking more about me and what I wanted instead of what was important for S. I do need to find some easier activities for us. I take him to these kid zone places around town where he can play and thats kind of an us thing. We also go to this fountain in town where he plays but I need to find something we both can do. He has visual fixations, so I've thought of taking him to sensory movies but he is impossible to keep still or quiet so movie theathres are usually out. He does love music but that usually just has us listening to his kids videos.

[Ss06]

Being a good father to your son and being in his life does not mean you're only thinking of you and not your son. That's silly. He needs you and it will not be easier on him to not have you around.

Visual fixations... hmmmm. i read somewhere that watching a fish tank full of fish is calming for those with visual fixations. You can tell S that you'd like to take him to pick out a friend that he can visit at dad's house and get a beta fish. Let him name the fish and every time you see him tell him that the fish misses him and can't wait to see his face, etc.

If he likes music, introduce him to some fun music in the car. My daughter LOVES music and it all started with Michael Jackson.

These are sensory things to help him associate being with daddy as soothing and a good time. The transition part is probably hard, leaving mommy going to daddy... this is where mantras work well with children with Autism. Say the same thing over and over every time during this transition. Something like, "Mommy will be in your heart while you're at daddy's" and when you take him back to mommy's house say, "daddy will be in your heart while you're at mommy's" Sometimes this takes a few months but it really works. It always has to be said calmly and in a soothing tone, almost whispering in his ear while you're touching him.

This process is hard on ALL children but children on the spectrum have an extra set of challenges. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Bunches]

A fish actually sounds like a great idea. I'll have to think about where to put a tank but that may work out nicely and he may enjoy that. Not sure if I'm mis interpreting you but my guilt isn't about visiting S. He lives with me. W left him with me at BD. Extremely out of character for her and any mother I keep hearing.

Anyhow, I really will likely look at us picking out fish maybe this weekend while we have some extra time on our hands. Thanks for the idea!

[Ss06]

Bunches,

I'm sorry if I implied anything other than my encouragement of you remaining as much in S's life as you're capable.

It is unusual for a mother to leave her kid(s) behind but not unheard of. Could be anything... MLC, guilt, depression, severely overwhelmed. IMO, it SHOULD be out of character for any father to do the same but that's clearly not your situation and that's great!

Fish are great pets. They really help lower blood pressure, too. Can't hurt.

Enjoy!

[Bunches]

Thanks for the encouragement. We are hoping to go out Monday to get a fish tank. I might not get the fish at first. I want to see if he interacts with the tank or tries to play with it. Always the risk he might turn it over.

Saw W again yesterday on one of her agreed on nights to take S out after work. I had him ready when she got here so she could just pass through and headed out at the same time. Had a few errands to run. Then I was back ahead of them so I could make a quick exchange. She stopped to talk and had a good 20 min light conversation where she shared her problems with MIL and her work. I didn't pry or offer any advice. I try not to be involved as she has not interest in talking to me normally and I don't want to seem eager for the crumbs of attention. I hope thats right.

Anyhow, whats really on my mind today sounds like some big decisions coming. I've been working for my emloyer for over 7 years now and making really good money for my needs but my time there is coming to a close it seems, likely in the next 6 months. I've been approached by another division of our company that wants to make me an offer, which to be fair I don't have the details yet, but it sounds like something I would enjoy and for matching or more money. Plus I'd get to continue with the same group overall so I'd continue to build more time off each year and greater security. The problem is they will want me to move 2 states away from current place. D has not even started yet but its been on my mind tonight. If W shows no signs still once I have the details of the offer, I have to decide which side of the fence to come down on. If I want to take this offer W will fight me to take S with me and I could loose him unless I go ahead and file to get custody. The way things have been I'm starting to believe I might need to file, get custody, and set myself up securly with this job not considering W or what might happen in the future. If I don't take the job then I will possibly be out of work come Feb. or Mar of 2015 and in a rough spot.

A lot of thinking to do...

[Bunches]

I've been posting a lot less these days. I sometimes feel like I use this site as a crutch to find answers or silver bullets which there aren't any of for this 'I know'. Also, the constant checking for posts had become a way of focusing on my sitch instead of on GAL.

I have a couple of questions to set my compass as it were.

1. My W has been sticking to a routine which gives us little face time these days but she has begun calling every night at bed time to talk to S and say goodnight. Our S doesn't really talk much because of his autism so I kinda feel like this has become her chance to ask me how I am and tell me some about her day. Is this a bad thing? Should I be cutting that out?

2. W has finally gotten around to covering all of her financials on her own. Its only been a couple months since she got a steady job to handle her own financial affairs. She has made 'a lot' of effort to apologize for how long I had to carry certain items for her. Is this a good opportunity to give emotional support by saying I'm proud of her doing well by handling it all by herself of just something to validate and leave be?

3. I feel like we are finding ourselves in a strange place these days in interaction. I've had some instances where W will pay me a compliment or two. (smell nice, shirt looks good on you, nice butt) They just feel out of place with her un-wavering stand on not working things out. Should I be encouraging these kinds of things with flirting (i.e. pursuing) or should I just not acknowledge the comments and move on?

I just reached 11 months since BD and feel like I just loose track of what my focus needs to be from time to time. When do you really draw the line and pursue instead of just trying to focus on happy self and GAL?

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Bunches,

I'm not a vet and these are my thoughts and I will admit I haven't read your entire sitch.

1). I think it's perfectly fine to be pleasant and chat briefly with your w. Of course, if your PMA isn't great, you can skip a chat.

2) It sounds like your W recognizes and has appreciated your financial commitment during your m. I think it's fine for you to congratulate her on her new position that allows her to cover her expenses. Honestly, each of you being in a positive financial place is good for both of you regardless of whether you. Since your son has special needs, this can alleviate some financial pressure for you both. Yes, I know it's better with one set of household expenses, however it does sound like your w is realizing that it's important to be at to take are of yourself.

3) Bunches, again I haven't read your thread. However, when someone pays you a compliment , it's ALWAYS appropriate to acknowledge it. Do you want to reattract your h? You sound a bit down. I know this can be very difficult-I do. Factoring in a child with special needs can be even more challenging. However, it's okay to engage in some light, breezy chat with your w. If your wife looks nice, it's fine to say "that color looks good on you." Think of it the same way you would be talking to a friend or acquaintance. Heck, I stop people and say "I like your bag" or "you have such lovely hair." And I'm not hitting on them. Just making an observation.

Are you frustrated? You've been at this a while and it sounds like there are some positive interactions. Hang in there!!!

[Bunches]

Thanks GB! Honestly, I am frustrated pretty regularly. I avoid R talk or pursuing W but its tough to feel like there is any progress most days. There are a few other things that are adding to the plate that I can't stop thinking about the few occasions that my sitch is not on my mind. My job will be closed out in the new year. I've been with this company 7 years but they don't need me any longer. I have an offer for a great sounding job in NC, 6 hours away from here, and it sounds like I'll have to decide what to do in the next month or two. Haven't talked to W about it yet but don't think that's a good move until the offer is finalized and I have solid information to present.

Matter of fact, I have been having a hard time with how to present that. So far I've been thinking I just sit down with her and present my situation with work and say we have to come to a consensus. I think it should be a family decision as our S lives with me and I would be moving him out of regular visit range.

Thank you for your feedback by the way. I've sometimes forget how much it can help to get re assurance from someone else sharing these painful experiences. Closing in on a year of this is starting to break my hope down. I have a hard time seeing light at the end of the tunnel....or even a tunnel sometimes.

Oh, and to answer your other question, I do want to re attract W. I guess to some degree I just don't know how. When we first met that spark just set things in the right direction and we never had to 'work' at dating or enjoying being around each other. It just kind of happened. From there everything moved so fast and I can't even say when everything got off track. Where to start...

[Bunches]

I've been kicking something back and forth this week and want to know if I just need whacked over the head or if there is some merit to this so I wanted to ask others thoughts.

A couple months back there was an argument, over scheduling, where W randomly threw out "the only thing left to our M is paperwork to be done". At another time she made a comment to some friends that we needed to treat each other as if we had a fresh relationship and consider each other as new. One of her complaints to our M was that I didn't pursue her and it keeps making me think that given the space and friendly regard we have these days that it wouldn't be a bad idea to just ask her if she wanted to go out just the two of us.

I know that is pursuing and since its likely a bad idea...I'd like someone to confirm that so I can quit thinking about it. Sometimes I get stupid ideas stuck in my head and would like confirmation. Anyone?