Hi Kat, I hope that your DVR is working properly. May I ask a question? How kind of you to allow me. ;-) Where are you at with your ex-H? I remember on August 17th that you wrote that s21 mentioned how crazy his dad was for you. I don't sense you have any interest in your ex, but is he making overtures toward you?
But in any event, it sure would be nice if you both could stand together, or co-parent in helping your son with the pregnancy topic. Is your ex-H helping in any way? I understand if you choose not to answer, but I was just wondering.
No, my son meant how crazy my dad is for me. . Ex is just that though we do get along almost as if we were still married. I guess 21 years together does connect you even when you've been divorced for 6!
We haven't talked about it really. I apologized for getting so upset. He didn't think I should blame this on him? What the H? I never blamed him. I said that both son and his GF are broken and having a baby wasn't going to fix things. Ex said that s18 wasn't broken and I snapped. I asked how would he know? He hasn't been here, seen how hurt and upset s18 has been.
Anyway S18 said he was listening to what I had to say. I just hope it counts for something. Oh and you were fine asking me a question. Lol
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
All I can say at the moment, Thank Goodness that I am not new to these boards...they would have lost me. I remember how I used to wait desperately for a reply and this shut down would have pained me terribly. They should have done it over night.
S18's girlfriend is showing. He is going to have to break the news to grandparents soon. I don't envy him in that regard, it is going to be brutal especially from my dad. Once he calms down though, he might be able to reason with S18. My, I hope so. Living in a fantasy before baby is one thing, living in it after is another.
My kids are down on my thoughts on the whole matter. They are being supportive they say. I am being a realist. Odds are not in their favor, medical issues will most likely be a factor, really not a happy topic and my wouldn't you want it to be if you were having a baby?
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Gosh...life ahead will be rough and rocky for them. I've seen up close how having a baby at a such young age affects their lives. Not a smooth sailing for sure!
Everyone seems to think so. Yet I wish more than anything for them to put the baby up for adoption. I believe, and this is my psych degree talking, that they are out to make up for the way they have been wronged. His girlfriend due to a mother that clearly favors her other children and would kick her out of the house about every 3 weeks and my son by a dad who left and basically left to raise someone else's kids.
Funny my mother in law sees no way he could have done things differently since he married his affair partner. He sees the kids once a week and the girls every other weekend. My oldest misses his Dad but his dad doesn't seem to try and make time for him.
Is it so wrong that I hope they decide for the sake of the baby and not themselves and put it up for adoption? Oh, tomorrow they find out what the baby is. I don't really want to know.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Yet I wish more than anything for them to put the baby up for adoption.
Why would you say ^^ , Kat?
Is it because it will be too difficult for everyone?
Is it because it will be too complicated for everyone?
Is it because you worry how it will affect your son?
Yeah, it is tough. Perhaps you might want to step back and examine why YOU feel this way. One could argue that they made some stupid choices to have a baby this young, but they MUST learn to live with them.
I would think, knowing kat, that she said that because she knows the baby would have a better life with parents that could support the child and give it the love it deserves. 2 kids having a kid aren't mature enough to give all of that to a baby and the baby shouldn't have to suffer because of it.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Right out of my mouth Mish. The odds are high that this child will have medical issues due to s18 having all of his medical problems as a baby.
I know they both need to grow up, they got themselves into this mess, but this child did absolutely nothing to get dropped into it either. They aren't talking marriage, they have only dated about 1.5 years. Who knows where that will go.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
What is your position on taking care of the baby if it's needed? (There is no right or wrong answer here, and I would never judge you either way.)
Whatever it is, have you considered calling a family meeting with the mother's parents, both kids and lay things out with them? What if both of you are in the camp of "we are not the parenting plan"??? Just maybe setting expectations are what will help this situation get resolved without rancor and bitterness?
I happen to totally agree with you. But I can also see life from their perspective. They're naive and they have NO idea how difficult it is being a parent. Let alone parents who aren't married and may not be in the picture in the long run.
The only thing I can say to you is that this can be a teaching and learning opportunity. Life rarely goes to plan. And sometimes there are just huge consequences to our actions. Or the actions of those we love. I know when I was 19, I had something going on that seriously hampered my R with my parents. We got through it, but they were horribly disappointed with me. And worse? I was horribly disappointed with myself. (It took a few rounds of therapy for me to forgive myself, although everyone else had forgiven me long before then.)
But what that ordeal did for me was to give me a reason to recreate myself and create a foundation that I'd spend to build on my R with myself and God, and help me become the person I wanted to be and who I've become. It was truly a turning point for me, and became the reason for me to drop people in my life that weren't quality people with a moral compass and replace them with those who wanted to achieve things in life. I went from being a dumb student to a driven one and made the Dean's list from there on out. And I had some new rules for myself that I've kept to this day.
So what I'm trying to say is just maybe this experience is one that will change their lives in a positive way? And just maybe you're the exact person who can provide the voice of reason and support so that your son knows you *always* have his back?
Love is hard, my friend. The real test comes when the person does something that is difficult to swallow. This path is uniquely his. You're definitely allowed to have your feelings and opinions. But in the end, he's going to need your support. You just have to communicate what your boundaries are and get feedback from them. It may even require you to suggest they get some counseling and prepare for being a parent.
It's totally a bummer that you have to travel this path again. But apparently, growth lies in this experience, my friend. Better accept what you need to accept and figure out how you're going to proceed. Especially given that you have other kids who will be affected by his choices. It is probably going to be really tough. At least for awhile.
But you're one of the strongest people I know. YOU have my total support.
Hugs-Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
. Ex is just that though we do get along almost as if we were still married. I guess 21 years together does connect you even when you've been divorced for 6!