Possible MLC WAH, and need guidance

[Matt165]

Good morning ats,
I got the same thing from my W, telling me how she never missed me when she went away to visit her father or when she went out of town for work. She would tell me that it just "proved" that she would be "happier" alone. Of course she enjoyed going away. She didn't have any of the day to day worries of running a household and taking care of kids. It's ALWAYS nice to get away for a bit, alone, here and there. Not only that, the only way to do that is if you have someone around who loves you enough to take care of all the things that you would normally be needing to do when you went away. It's part of the script of the MLCer. Again, I really think that they blow everything out of proportion that can possibly show that running away is the thing to do. That "validates" that the answer to feeling "better" is as easy as just ending the M.

Right after B-day, I started to ask my W to do more things with me. We would go out and do things and she would have fun but she would later say "I enjoy doing things with you. I always have fun when we're doing stuff together. That's not the problem.". It's not the problem because the "problem" isn't the M or the LBS and never was! The problem is inside of them. The problem is they are in crisis and until they face that, face the real reasons they feel so empty inside and are trying to fill that void with all the things they try (like OP, losing weight, changing friends, going out, etc) they will continue to feel that pain, keep looking for outside reasons and answers (like destroying their M and family). My W once told me that she is the type of person who thinks to be happy, she must do what happy people do. So, how many "happy" people has she heard of who got that way by leaving a 20 + year M? I haven't found one example of a single person who got a D after a long M that felt glad later on that they did. All I ever see is story after story of people who, after some time has past post D, wish that they hadn't gone through with it.

Hang in there ats. I know how hard this is and you are getting much of the same Stuff I got. I remember when my W was saying the same stuff your H is, acting the way he is, I was told "You can't argue with crazy". You can make perfect sense, you can show him all the valid reasons that your M and you aren't the cause of all his distress but it won't make a bit of difference in the state of mind he is in. Just keep in mind that it really isn't you or your M. You didn't cause him to be like this and nothing you do can fix it. It's up to him to see the truth for himself. In the meantime take this time to work on making yourself a better, stronger person!

[Atsbaby]

Thanks Matt. You really make me think differently about what he's been saying. This just shows me I'm still very emotionally attached and haven't pulled away like I did before...it's my poor choices of intimacy.

It really stinks that we have to ride the crazy train with them. Apparently I'm getting off sooner since H wants to proceed with D. I have the book "The Solo Partner" by Phil Deluca. I skipped to the last chapters talking about pursuer and distancer. The following chapter is a workbook on yourself to stop pursuing. I'm pursuing and I just haven't figured out how, but I think it could be that I'm giving in too quickly to his wants.

Unfortunately S10 came home sick today, but it does give me a couple hours to focus on this self reflection. Many of the same techniques he suggests match with db and Sandi2's rules.

I will be stronger and people I have told my story to IRL, have told me that I'm stronger than they could every be. It helps me know that I'm doing good on the outside and people are seeing this strong person, even though I don't feel it on the inside.

[Atsbaby]

Apparently H was pretty receptive to a few things last night.

H left work and called the house to talk with the kids before he went to do football weighins. Said he wanted to talk with them a bit.

Then h asked d9 to put me back on the phone...wtf? Asked if I got an email from coach re s10 practice tomorrow. Yes...blah, blah, blah..." Okay well I'll be home afterwards."

Did he really just call this home? I'm sure a slip of the tongue, but he hasn't called our house home in months. Then he actually told me bye....yes he hardly tells this to anyone, has been one of my complaints forever. He typically says it to those he cares for: mom, grandmother, me when we were good.

Not looking into anything, just things I noticed. We still have a very long road. Wish I had caught this the first time he left then we could be healing by now, oh well.

We'll see how tonight goes once he gets here.

[Atsbaby]

H showed up at 8:45. We put the kids to bed and then I went to bed...how about that for a 180! Avoided him and got a decent amount of sleep. Plus haven't been feeling well. Think it's the allergies.

So yesterday s10 went to dr. Strep and mild dehydration. My dad took him and I was waiting to hear back. Called and left a message after 1 1/2, but I know how dr offices can be. About 30 minutes later H calls. I tell him I haven't heard anything and he says, "I called your dad. They just got home. Told him I'd call and let you know." WTF?

His mo has always been text, not talking to me via phone! Again another shock for me.

For whatever reason, today was a struggle. I must just be in an emotional funk, plus I think I'm close to that lovely visit from my monthly guest. Anyways, I'm expecting too much from him...email or text or something. I NEED TO STOP EXPECTATIONS!

He did email me some pics from last nights football practice. S got to go to the local university and practice at an indoor facility....8 million dollars! It was pretty nice, but would have been better air conditioned, just saying!

I just looked at the pics and was really surprised H sent one of him and s together. Whatever. I'm done dancing. I need to move forward and I'm struggling.

On H way home tonight, he called to say he would stop and get one of those bagsters so we could clean up our yard from deck building. He has been saying this since March, when I thought we were still good. Why is he being so clear these days? I don't like it cause he's still wanting D.

I think I'm just going to have to accept that a d will come long before r. If that even happens. I could be feeling the pressure also since I meet with an Atty Tuesday. I really don't want to, but need to.

Life just stinks right now!

[Shining]

Uuughhhhh these MLC H's are just such dingalings.... I'm sorry your day is low on the PMA scale. Mine, too.

Has your H filed for D? Or is it the looming threat of filing that is weighing on you... Pure mental and emotional terrorism. Either way, I'm sorry for your pain today.

I'm struggling right along with you. We WILL come through this stronger. (So they say... Everything else they've said is true, so I'm going with it!)

Hang in here, Ats....I'm following your sitch and we'll support each other from afar

[Atsbaby]

It's prepared but not filed.

So I'm already in a not so PMA when H brings up convo from Tuesday night. He pretty much called me a liar, and did I db? NO! My lovely self decided to defend and attack, with some validation. Man am I digging deeper into the abyss!

I finally ended the conversation and said I'm not going to say anything else I'll regret. He did say that "I feel like D is the way I need to go at this time." Why do I try? Because I'm stuck!

On a positive note, well negative first, he's still talking to OW...what 3 days later and your back together...MLC nightmare. Anyways, h mentioned that he was going to resign from his board position from football league because he has too many things on his plate. Then he tried to mind read me saying that I thought it was ow that caused our breakup! Well I told him I know it's not and I'm pretty sure he still doesn't know why. He looked a little confused but agreed.

Think the light might be slowly coming on that all's not well in the head category!

[Atsbaby]

I'm having a rough day already. I have to fill out the L forms about splitting everything. I haven't cried this hard in a long time.

I cant believe my life has come to this. My poor children haven't even felt anything yet. They have no clue what their dad is getting ready to do to us. I fing hate what H is doing to me. EVERYTHING is joined. I will lose so much out of this!

Why couldn't he just be some evil man that I hate? It would be so much easier if I really wanted out, but I don't and I don't want to do any of this. I keep wishing I'd wake up from this nightmare I now call life.

[LoisB]

Ats, I'm sorry you are struggling.

It takes a while to reach the point where you see the how this experience changes you in a good way. I promise, at some point, you will even be able to see the silver lining for your kids.

It's painful and it's rotten and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...at the same time, you come out the other end as a new and improved version of YOU. You are developing skills that will make anything life throws at you seem piddly.

Cry the tears. Let it out. But, also allow yourself to get a bit excited for the good things ahead. There ARE good things ahead.

This experience forces you to deal with every issue you ever swept under the rug. If you face it with honesty and courage, you will realize you have been given an opportunity to change your life in ways you never would have otherwise...good ways.

Good things are around the corner. Smile and tell yourself, "Cheer up, I can handle it!"

[Mighty]

Hey Ats. I'm sorry you are going through this right now. I remember how painful that it. I was doing the same thing in April. It is terrible. And we had everything together too, (except what I think he was hiding- and I didn't push for him to disclose everything- long story, just be careful and remember- BELIEVE NONE OF WHAT THEY SAY!) including rental units and business accounts.

Chances are, he does not want to lose you, that is scary for him, but he feels he needs to do this for some reason. It's so hard to accept that. I can tell you this, once you get past this part, it will get a little easier. It does not mean everything is over and there is no hope. I just thought in my head, I would give him the d and he could check that off the list and hopefully see that was a mistake. I wasn't going to really let it change what I believed.

It is really difficult going through what you are going through right now, and my heart goes out to you. It is only temporary. Keep in mind that whatever the outcome, it will get better! This is another bump in the road, but it is not eternal.

Allow yourself to feel and acknowledge your feelings. Then move through them onto the next.

Your kids will be OK because you are strong, you are fun, you are great! You will be their rock and provide love and affirmation to them. The will grasp onto that and appreciate it. They may appear to take any frustrations out on you, but that's because they feel safe with you. They know your love is unconditional.

[Atsbaby]

Thanks ladies. I know everyone says it gets better, it's just dealing with the he!!

Positive, realized I got a raise this new school year, every penny counts!
Went to the movies with kids and enjoyed time with them before s football game.

Just heard my niece was in a car accident last night...she's okay, but I guess when it rains it pours!

I'm reading the book "Excuse me, your life is waiting" which was recommended by one of the posters. I believe she found it very helpful, she is a success story. It's positive thinking and feelings...what I need right now!!!