Today has been a little better. I wrote down the following list as a reminder to myself...
Avoid all A and R talks, it brings up the negative stuff, need to focus positive Do NOT jump to conclusions….when I see her on her phone, I ASSUME it is with the OM and get mad. I just need to ignore it and detach. Do not be mean Be kind and decent Do not pursue Do not talk about the A Stay calm Exude confidence and be attractive (social, interesting, fun, moving on) GAL/detach Be a great dad Be light and breezy Act as if Know that I will make it Be independent Avoid love busters - Dishonesty -Disparaging comments - Selfish demands - Angry outbursts - Individual pursuit
In some sense all of this would be SO MUCH easier if we were separated. I never would see her, which would allow me to detach. My W comes back late tonight so I will see her in the morning at some point. I am going out tomorrow night, have a thing at my kids' school Thursday night and then am going out Friday night as well, so my time with her will be limited.
I know I can show her fun/confident Sho when we are around each other. My issue is detaching...hard to do when she is present.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I found it very difficult too, Sho. Believe it or not I'm actually a "pleaser"/"Mr. Nice Guy" co-dependent at heart.
When my wife and I were going thru our sitch, I tried to schedule my days and my week so that I'd see her as little as possible, going to the gym after dinner, taking our boys for outings during the weekends, etc. Although she never admitted it, she pretty much did the same so between her own avoidance activities and her time with her OM we actually saw very little of each other, especially during the week.
Then when we did have to be in the same house, I tried to occupy myself with yard work or things to do in other parts of the house, to limit my interactions with her.
You'll never be able to cut it out completely, especially with the kids, but you can limit about 75% of it I found.
If you're finding it easier to detach when you're not around her then make a point to be even busier! Even if it's a quick run out to fill the car up with gas after the kids are in bed... you're mysterious and not around.
Starsky, when you took the boys out on the weekends, did you just schedule it and not invite her, or tell her that she could come along? I know I have asked this before, but I just want to be extra careful. I do not want to spend my weekends "battling" with my W to see who can be the better parent.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Mostly just told her I was taking them golfing, or to the driving range/putting green, or to a baseball game or whatever. Every once in awhile -- for the sake of the boys -- I'd tell her she was welcome to come along if she wanted to (she usually declined).
I made sure I did things with them that were authentic (my sons and I have always shared common sports interests), and not for example spending a bunch of family money on fancy lunches or the circus or something that never would have appealed to me and the boys, and then posting pics on Facebook or something).
Shodan our sitch are very similar. My boys are very active so we spend most of our evenings running to sporting events. 1 in football the other soccer so we naturally go different ways. Later in the evening I have resigned to sitting outside on the porch and enjoying a cold 1 or 2. If she is watching tv or doing other things I will work on laundry or straighten things up. Weekends are actually a little tougher but we have sort of set up a schedule where we each go out one night a weekend and we have a built in baby sitter. Detaching is VERY hard to do when W is still at home. I have to pause every time she speaks so that I can remember to not let it effect me emotionally. I have only been at it for 6 weeks but I can tell you it will get easier. FYI she moved to a seperate bedroom and that really helped.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Your list looks great, sho! And, as usual, you're getting awesome pointers here on how to minimize contact with W in-home.
The ONLY thing I would add is this: when you deliver information to your W about where you're taking the kids ... or when you tell her you're going out ... do not act mad or bothered. Do not sulk. Do not be patronizing about anything. (I'm not AT ALL saying you are; I just know how easy it is to swing from "taking a stand" and "detaching" to being a douche and coming across as controlling and/or pouty. At least that's always easy for ME. Lol.)
Stay focused on that list up there: confident and happy BUT ALSO strong, convicted and determined.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Friday I have plans so not seeing her will be easy. Saturday will be more difficult. I was thinking about planning something with the kids that they want to do (movie, mini golf, etc.) and then telling her what we are doing. It is on this point where I am confused...do I say "Hey, I am taking the kids to mini golf and to get ice cream on Saturday, you can join us if you want, I am sure the kids would like that" or "hey, I am taking the kids to mini golf and to get ice cream on Saturday, what were you planning to do?"
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
