above is the link to my old thread, which is locked
this vaca is really hard. It is tough to be a good dad and show my kids a good time when my W and I are in this situation. My MIL has told me to forget about the A because our problems existed before that. I agree with the latter part of this statement but I know that the A is an obstacle to our working on our M. As noted before, my W has not admitted to the A, says they are friends and that she can text and talk to whomever I want and that my desire for her to end this relationship with the OM is just another example of my controlling behavior and why she does not want to be married to me.
At one point yesterday when we were talking (hard not to when we spend the day at the beach together) she said her feelings towards me are her feelings and while she wants them to change, they have not. I said that if that is the case and this seems truly hopeless to her, then we should call it like it is and just file for the D and tell the kids. She was very taken aback by this idea and said that we need time. So I guess that is a good thing because it seems in her heart she does not want the D but the A is blocking her ability to really work on our M.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Yeah I can see how this looks like gaslighting. I am being played and told that I am controlling and a lunatic because I broke into wife's phone and want her to go NC with the OM. Yeah I am the crazy one.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
My w has tried being nice the past two days, talking about our family in the future tense, etc. she even commented that she wants her engagement ring to be a family heirloom. But I know this is all a part of the act of keeping both the OM and me in play.
She saw her mom yesterday, with whom I have shared everything. Apparently my MIL was very upset yesterday, which my W attributed to my FIL's passing three months ago. I told my W that my MIL is upset about our R, to which my W replied that that is why she is so mad that I shared anything with her. My W wants all of this to be kept between us. I told her that she is not to blame me for this.
My W and my MIL are going for a walk today. I know my MIL will say something to my W about our R. My W will say that I am controlling, that I cannot tell her with whom she can text and that she has been unhappy for years so anything to do with the I OM is not related. I believe my MIL is so upset because yesterday I texted my MIL that I "was done" and could not deal with the lies, cheating and secrets anymore. I know that my comments worry my MIL because she knows that I am the only one trying to keep the M together. She keeps telling me to ignore the A and just focus on myself. While valid feedback, she does not realize how hurt I am by this A and that the OM is an obstacle to any reconciliation.
Maybe my MIL will talk some sense into my W but I doubt it. As I have said before if you saw us together you would not expect anything. She says nice things to me and about me to others. But I know this is a part of her game through which she can keep me close. But I am pulling away more and more. I still am being nice so my kids don't sense anything and I keep my W seeing a safe environment if she comes back but I am being way more terse in our convos, not starting any of them,and somewhat ignoring her when we are together with the kids by focusing on them.
Lots of love to everyone
Last edited by shodan; 08/24/1404:08 PM.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
And how much longer after that did she end the A? Two months?
The other funny thing is that her cousin's H separated from her for four months About three years ago. I told my W that story and that apparently he did not have an A. My W asked how I knew and I told her that her mom told me. My W replied that it was wrong for people to talk about this so openly and that she hopes that her mom is not telling people about our R. I wonder if I can use this toy advantage and that the threat of this getting our will get her to end the A OR will it just drive her deeper into the A.
I also know that she is very pi$$ed that I changes after she asked for the D and after she started an A.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
The rest of our vaca was pretty fun. My wife actually started being super nice to me and made an effort to be near me. We had a great time with the kids. At one point, we held hands (first time since before the BD) and she was complimenting me. So I started thinking that maybe our talk the other night had some impact and she was struggling with what to do. we got back on Tuesday and had a good night just talking on Tuesday. However, by late Wednesday, she started acting super aloof and was really curt with me. Basically, the way she was right after she asked for the D. Then, she mentioned that her boss was asking about the move to NYC. My W started asking me again about my feelings about NYC and whether or not we should move. This was a change from 2-3 weeks ago when she said no way to NYC. My initial reaction to her change in her mannerisms and the resurged interest in NYC is that she was having even more contact with the OM. Perhaps they even saw each other (we are back in Boston after vaca but my W is off this week while I am working...maybe he came up to Boston from NYC)? Anyway, last night I asked my W about her sudden change in behavior (I know, bad move) and she went back to her initial comments when she asked for the D...I will never change, she cannot change her feelings towards me, she does not hate me but feels nothing for me. Then later last night, I came downstairs and she had hidden her phone under a blanket (I was looking for something and found it under the blanket by her side). The kids were in bed but she was downstairs texting with him. I looked at her and said "you win. You will get what you want. You want to end this M, I will not stop you. in fact, I want you out of the house. I cannot continue to live in a M full of lies, cheating and deceit." I then went back upstairs to bed. She went out a few minutes later (did not take her car). Not sure if she went for a walk or met up with the OM. My W slept downstairs on the couch but I am not sure when she came back.
This morning, we have not spoken except when we walked the kids to school and I said that I was going back and she said "oh, you are going home, I was going to get a coffee" but she said it in a way that expressed that she somewhat wanted me to go wither. I did not. I went home. Now, I am working from home and she is with a friend at the mall. My gut is she is with him and not with her friend.
I am sick of the lies. I am sick of this situation. She is destroying our family. This seems so hopeless right now. But every time I mentioned that we should tell the kids and make this D public, she balks. I wonder if that is my only option...file for a D to show her that I am that serious? But of course, this cannot be a bluff, I realize that. Or do I try Plan B and just go somewhat NC with her...follow Sandi's rules to a T?
my guess is the 2x4 answer is to follow the LRT technique and Sandi's rules and only file for a D if that really is what I want.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I'm very sorry, Shodan. I've been there, and yeah -- the deceit rips your guts out even more than the infidelity does, believe it or not. Until someone goes thru this they cannot even begin to understand how much the DECEIT and the DISRESPECT eats at a man.
My advice would be for you to go back and read the "tougher/stronger" advice you got at the beginning of your threads. You chose to go the "kinder/gentler," continue-to-show-her-the-new-and-improved-Shodan route, and she's rewarded your efforts by continuing her deceit and gaslighting you and the family to boot.
It's high time for after-the-LRT. It may or may not work with her, but the foot-rubbing route certainly hasn't.
You're a good man, Sho -- you deserve more than this. I pray you can turn this around. I do think she still loves you, down at some level, but she's pretty fueled up with resentment and entitlement still.
