First post - My WAH story

[Jacket]

"Ok, I'll return them."
"Thanks!"
"No problem."

One of the other 180s I had done was speaking his LL more, which is acts of service. He had felt unloved for a lot of our marriage because we speak different languages. I made sure to bring him a drink when he was watching TV and did some chores wordlessly because I knew he would appreciate it. When I moved out I cleaned the house thoroughly so he returned home from his camping trip to a spotless place. He has noticed and been very touched by these acts but stated they are "not enough" because he still feels we lack a high enough romantic spark. So how do I continue to do this 180 (acts of service) without seeming like I'm pursuing?

[LisaB]

Hi Jacket, I struggle with the LL question myself since how am I supposed to give him Quality Time when I am doing NC? haha.

I guess the trick is that you don't do the LL thing until you see him and then you do it subtly. I'm not too familiar with the acts of service one but I'm thinking you can find ways to do small things for him without seeming too pursuing. But it is a fine line.

At this point you can't do much since you don't want to pursue, but maybe in the future if he asks to spend time with you, you could offer your assistance in some small way. Let's say he is complaining about something he needs to get done, you could offer to help in some physical way.
Or later on if he is wanting to spend time together and asks you to have lunch or dinner you could offer to cook instead.
Maybe when you go by the house to pick up stuff you could find a way to do an act of service? Not clean the house mind you, but something small that makes his life easier?

But at this point I wouldn't offer too much. This is a difficult one.

Hugs, Lisa

[gan]

Jacket - you sound like you are doing really well with your 180s. Great mix of things to improve you for you as well as your R! You and me are in the same boat with our H not initiating contact. I'm something like 3 months in and we've seen each other 2-3 times (only once to "catch up"; other times he was just picking up stuff or we were at the same party). He's only texted/emailed a couple more times than that.

I do wonder if we need a different strategy - it's hard to show off that "friendly, PMA wife who is not too available because we are out GAL" when H does not initiate contact. I think my H's LL is physical contact…which by definition can't happen when there is NC! But I think LisaB is right - we have to stand back for now and plan on pulling out a little LL when we do get the chance to have contact.

[Jacket]

So I just got this email from H today, about making an announcement to our friends and family. Our MC had suggested we send out a joint announcement so that neither of us was throwing each other under the bus.

"Hi,

I hope you're doing well. It seems that we've created some space between us. If this is good for you and what you need, then I fully support that. I am still here if you ever need anything, really. And as I write the last sentence, I am filled with tears because I know it's true.

I think it is time to send out a notice to everybody. I am not sure what you want to say, but here's my version. In the end, I kept it simple. Let me know what your thoughts are and if we can compile a list of people together.

Love always,
H"

Suggestions, anyone? I'm not sure how to respond to this. Do I continue along the NC route?

[Jacket]

And here's the letter:

"To our dear friends and family,

Sometimes life takes an unexpected turn, and for us, it means going our separate ways. Yes, we are announcing our divorce. We know it will be quite a surprise to many you and in some ways it is to us as well. Neither of us could have imagined going down this road. We were in couples therapy for over a year, and along the way have learned a great deal about ourselves. We can honestly say that through the process, our lives have been changed forever, and we now feel open to whatever the future holds. Though we are sad to part ways, we are closer and love each other more than ever and remain friends. We want what is best for each other, and in the end that is what matters most.

We hope you can understand and support our decision. Reach out to us should you wish.

We love each and every one of you.

With both our hearts,
Jacket and H

[Jacket]

I feel like I've been doing really well lately, and have been positive and focusing on me. In fact, I felt like I was even detaching pretty well, as I had dinner with a mutual friend last night who was talking about some of the things H has been up to lately, and I didn't really feel affected by what I was told.

But reading this today is sending me into a tailspin and just makes me completely hopeless. The fact that he hadn't mentioned this announcement in awhile and still has not presented me with paperwork made me think that maybe he was stepping back and at least stopping from pushing this train off a cliff, but here it is in black and white. I could really use some words of advice right now. I'm sitting here sobbing at my desk at work.

[Jacket]

When we had talked about this announcement before, I had told him that I was not comfortable saying that WE had decided to divorce. He agreed that he would say that he was the one asking for the divorce, which obviously is not clearly stated AT ALL.

[Jacket]

Also, would you guys say the NC is working in my situation? I mean, I read other people's stories and see how their WAS's are confused and a little upset by the NC, whereas mine reacts with sympathy and says he will do whatever I need to get me through this.

[Alang28]

Hi jacket.

I'm a newbie here with similar story to yours. I don't have much advice but just wanted to let you know that I have been following your post and you have inspired me.

Let yourself cry, but then pick yourself up and stay positive!

We are rooting for you!!!

*big hugs*

[Jacket]

So I managed to calm down this afternoon and reached out to my sister and two of my friends. They all feel that H wants to hang out but is respecting my decision to distance myself. However, I am worried he thinks I did it because I feel sad being with him (hello, mind reading). I don't want him to think I am sad and pining away at home for him. I might be sad but not pining. How can I show that I am not NOT hanging out with him due to sadness but because I'm GAL and too busy for him? I'd stopped posting on FB because I'd wanted him to wonder what I was up to. So far that seems to be working because he does sort of fish for information from people he runs into who hang out with me. Anyway, I decided the NC thing is working for me because it really does make ME feel better and more sane when I don't see him.

I had dinner with one of our mutual friends last night, and I was in a really good mood, and I know that that will eventually get back to H. Our mutual friend is having dinner with H on Wednesday, and I'm sure our friend, without trying to, will tell him how happy I seemed yesterday. I really have been feeling pretty good, with the exception of when I received the email this afternoon.

So about that email, I am in strong disagreement with what H wants to say to our friends and family. As I said above, we had agreed that he would state that he wants the divorce and that it is not mutual. The way he has it written makes it sound like we have mutually agreed to divorce and that we both think this is what's best for us, which is NOT how I feel. I need to respond to him in a way that makes it very clear that I disagree with how it's written, without making him feel attacked or defensive. I really need help with this. Suggestions, anyone?