Carry On, My Wayward Son(of-a-beeeeaaaaach)!!

[Shining]

And MORE reason to let it go....

(Actually, the crazy teenager talk makes it easier)

So H asked D13 if she wanted to dog-sit again today. D13 said yes, because she misses the dog. So she asked me if it was ok, and she walked over to the house a couple of hours ago. She texted me that dad asked her how late she is allowed to walk home, since H sent a text to D13 that he is going to "a friend's house and I don't know how late I'll be". I told her, ummmm dark is too late to be walking as a 13 year old girl, and she knows this. So does H. It's because of the CRAZY CREEPY PEOPLE JUST LIKE H that she can't walk that late.

H texts me today about D13 and will I be picking her up. I said of course. H said he's going to (fake name) sam's house. I didn't respond. H texts again, "you remember sam?" (I met him once, h is not a close friend, and this is bs).
H goes on texting....as if I asked... (I did not). Telling me in several separate texts that:
it's nothing exciting
they have hung out several times
his gf is getting big
not that you care I suppose
she doesn't live with him
they are only together for convenience.....(mind you, I haven't asked. This conversation goes on without me....).

Then H texted it was just for "mutual sex." I finally responded with "that's sad." H said "they seem content. It's not love but they have an understanding". (......let that phrase keep ringing in your ears for a moment......it's not love, but they have an understanding.)
I said, "I guess if it works for them, I'm not going to judge. Personally, I wouldn't settle for being someone's 'understanding'. "
H texted back, "I'm not ready to be in a relationship with you right now. Isn't that an understanding?"
I replied, "I know you're not. For now, we agree on this and it is needed. I want to be in a relationship again at some point in my life. Even if it isn't with you, I don't want to be alone."

That said, I do know I would actually be ok alone. I was alone for almost 2 years with my kids. My grandmother was alone from the age of 47 until she died at 96. Awesome lady, happy, healthy, full life. She needed no one, and neither do I.

Do I want a relationship? Sure, I do. I don't need one. I didn't feel it was necessary to explain the difference to H right now.

And no, H has not responded.....

[uRworthy]

Ok, S, so, he texts a name...you dont believe him...so you dont answer...so he feels like he has to explain....so he does and then it winds up with a little R talk.

You do need to detach more. You want him to hear you and he just cant. He hears, blah, blah, blah. I dont mean to offend, just keeping it real.

You keep telling him that you dont want to be alone. No need to do that again. It doesnt serve the situation well.

He knows you want to be back with him. He wants you to hear that he doesnt want to be right now.

So, back on your path you go. Leave him to this, S. Stop engaging. Now that doesnt mean to be rude. It doesnt mean to not be in contact. It just means that you are going about your life and leaving him to his.

[Atsbaby]

(((((Shining)))))

They can be so frustrating and then suck you back in! You did great ignoring him at first, but I agree that you need to detach more (pot telling the kettle...lol).

How amazing a role model your grandmother was for you. Do something fun tonight for YOU!

[Shining]

I know I'm not detached. I agree I need to get there. I'm starting to get angry. I haven't really been angry since I found ow stuff in my BR.

I feel so done.

Picked up D13 from dog sitting. She said she only saw dad for a few minutes. He took a shower and left for the night with a bottle of wine......

Sam must like wine, too.

What am I even doing?

[Mighty]

Awwwww..... Shining. I'm sorry. How frustrating. I think you have to be totally detached for that not to bother you. It's OK. Anger is OK, too. It will help you through the process. You have a right to be angry. Take it at face value, though. He is obviously still lying and still in replay. He is keeping you at bay. He is still connecting. You have got to make those connections at that- connections to touch base- not to restart.

I know you know this, and it does not make it any easier. Find what will help you deal. Whatever it is. What helps you keep it in perspective? It will be quite awhile for him... how can you cope? Use that anger to help you further detach. Think about what a selfish jerk he is being and how you don't want to be part of that. You are so much better than that and deserve to be treated with love, honesty, and respect. Keep these thoughts in your mind. OW is garbage- nowhere near what you are and what you have to offer. Anyone willing to spend time with a married man is so needy. He won't be able to continue to satisfy those needs- he's too selfish.

You got this, girl. You are way better than this.

Keep posting tonight if you need to. I will check in on ya.

[uRworthy]

Yep, you are going to feel angry. You are going to cycle through feelings, Shining.

Here's the thing. This stuff s*cks. It's heartwrenching and heartbreaking and life changing. It initially brings you to your knees.

So, you go through the stages of grief. Not all in order, not all the time.

Of course, you feel angry. The life you had is over. The future you planned is forever changed. It was all done by the person you loved and trusted most in the world. Even if you reconcile, it will be a different marriage...you will be different people.

It is ok to be angry. You feel what you feel. You wouldnt be human if you didnt.

But, it is how you deal with the anger that matters.

How you deal with it depends on where you are. For me, in the beginning, I used it as a way to protect myself from the emotional breakdown I knew was coming. Then I used it to propel me forward.

Over time, I let it wash over me. I felt it, and then I let it go.

Here's why. If I held onto it, it weighs me down. It stops me from doing what I need to do.

It doesnt mean that I didnt hate the things my h did. But if I let the anger go, I can still feel love and compassion for him.

That is really for you. Forgiveness frees you. Anger ties you up. If you allow yourself to continue to feel anger, then, you are giving him control.

That is also why detaching is so important. When you are really and truly detached, you are not affected by the things he says or does.

I know it seems as if they go off and live their life, leaving financial and emotional ruin in their wake. You think that you are stuck keeping the family together while he is off having a ball. Let me tell you, he is not having the time of life you think he is. How could he be? He is in crisis, in pain. He has walked away from his family.

Even if he was...I wouldnt want to be him for anything in the world.

Feel the anger and when you are ready, let it go.

Mainly because you can.

[Shining]

DETACH DETACH DETACH DETACH DETACH DETACH DETACH DETACH

I can get there. I'm just so flipping mad tonight.

I have this inner scream-cry that may need a long car ride to come out and "exercise the demons....."

I'm sitting on my bed, little dog on my legs, with my iPad and Sprite Zero. I decided to completely stop drinking any alcohol (yes, even wine) after S. So yes, I am this weird all the time. I'm not against drinking at all....I just decided if I am to be responsible for my kids, my self, and my sanity I would need to be clear headed. <<<<< logic.

Funny thing, I have never felt foggier.

I hate him. I hate the a$$hat. I didn't go to the a$$hat store.... I went to the life store. I meant to get a life, but I got an a$$hat.

I feel like I knew more about MLC and what would probably happen before I was this deep into it. I felt ready to face this. Now I'm here, and I don't know anything.

I read it all the time, I see the words, I nod, I understand cognitively....I didn't break him, and I can't fix him. Why can't I beat that into my head? Who do I think I am? I'm not God. Only God has His hands on this. Let go, Shining....what are you doing? Where's your faith?

I forgot how much pain he's believed to be in, because he doesn't seem like it. He's dating and wh@ring around, for crying out loud. How bad can he feel?

I forgot how well they hide their depression. His mother said he's never looked better (I finished that sentence in my mind with "since he left me") <<<bad DBing, I know

I forgot how long this takes. And that when you read how long, it's even longer than that.... I knew this before. I got duped. I let myself get duped. I knew better.

I forgot why he's going through this, and that it didn't have to do with me.

I'm going back to DB101 for a refresher. Not beating myself up. I'm ok. I'm just navigating my way through he//.

Btw, I love the word "a$$hat" now since I learned it here on the boards.....

Don't worry, uR.... I'm learning the other stuff, too. Apparently I just insist on learning the hard way.

It's hard when you see the glimpses of real H. I miss him.

a$$hat.

[Mighty]

If you're gonna learn anything, a$$hat is a good one!

You are OK! We have all been there. DON'T beat yourself up! What you are feeling is soooo normal! You are hitting a rough patch. Here's the thing... you will continue to hit them. Yes, this lasts a long time; however, the rough patches get shorter. What used to send you over the edge, will probably do-so in the future, but the edge will not be as high. I'm still hitting edges, but, I'm telling you, Shining, you will develop better coping skills to get you though them. They will get shorter and less frequent.

I did the same. I stopped drinking too. Right now, I'm having a glass of wine with my whine. Not much, because I'm such a light-weight now. But, I get it. I have so been there.

And yes, we get it cognitively way before we get it emotionally. I'm still working on that. Two steps forward, one step back. In the meantime, you are still progressing forward. Let it out, girl! The more you do, the better. It takes a long time. I HATE HEARING THAT!!! But, it does help you ENJOY the good and simple things so much more! A-HA! See... silver lining!

I miss h too. I get it. It $ucks. But, who misses an a$$hat? That's what they are right now- not h. Hang in there, Shining...

[uRworthy]

Shining, you are so hard on yourself. You are so early into this. If you were detached now, I would be worried about you.

I have not one doubt that you will get there. Not one.

I used to scream in my car....howl, really. I would punch the hell out of my pillow. Get it out...S...

I dont think you're weird. I think you are real.

And yea, the a$$hat store...they sell a lot of them there.

You are right where you should be, my friend. Hearing the words, taking it in, trying to put it into action. You just keep doing that each day. One day, when you least expect it...it will happen.

Just work the program. Figure out you. Be that person each day. Some days you will make it, some you wont, but that should be the goal. Make a bucket list. Put small things and big things on it. Be present for your children. They are watching closely. You get the wonderful opportunity to show them how to navigate through the tough parts of life. Show them well.

S, I have been around longer than my registration date. I have seen marriages resored. I have worked together with my therapist running groups for people in MLC or affected by it.

He is in great pain. How could he not be? Did you ever think he would do this? Did you think him capable? Can a man be happy having broken up his family?

Now dont get me wrong. MLC doesnt give him a free pass. He will have to take responsibility for his actions. But trust me when I tell you, he is struggling. I have been through a depression. You keep it together at work. You keep it together to get through the day. You try to fill your days so you dont have to be alone with yourself.

You didnt get duped, sweetie. This happens to all of us. You love, you believe. You want this so much.

Let him go, S. When you do it's a cry to the heavens. It's saying that you love him enough to want him to make it through. It's saying you love you enough, too.

So, get through this anger patch. Then, get back on your path. You will fall off again. But the great thing is that you can just get right back on.

[Ggrass]

I like ar$ehat too! But I knew it before.

I like f**ktard too. Like a normal retard but more f'd up!

I thought I was well on the way, 9 months right, um no. Being confronted with didn't you know he was openly dating last year. It's ok, cause your lovely he's the crazee one.

Mmmm right q crying and destroying war paint. J