Advice with WAW

[Dpthght]

Hello All,
I first wanted to say that the forums have been a tremendous help in the past week and have really calmed me down and allowed me to focus on trying to save my M in a better way and by extension, better myself.

Backstory:
Well on 7/28/14 my W dropped the bomb on me when I got back from a trip. All the usual things I have been reading she said (loved me but not in love with me, I was a great guy but just her roommate, blah blah blah). I of course did the complete wrong thing that everyone does by begging, pleading, and trying to let her I loved her. Our R has been pretty good but I can definitely say we became complacent in the R. She had mentioned that I treated her well but she never felt like she treated me like a W should. She said she wasn’t attracted to me anymore. She also pointed out she has been selfish in the past couple of years not focusing on us but just on her while she knows I have been focusing on us (I don’t know if I believe her on that one). Lastly, one of her big complaints is that she hasn’t missed me in a long time. We both agree we contributed to where we are at the current time. We decided to separate, with her moving out to her friend’s house for a little while, but it appears she is going to be moving back into the house in the near future. I found out that she was having an EA with her co-worker and was really looking forward to spending more time with him outside of the office during our separation. Well that blew up in her face so she has been trying to focus on herself for the time being (which is one of the points she brought up). She is not aware that I know this information if that matters. I can tell she is conflicted in how she feels but won’t tell/show me, but she is also very stubborn and I don’t know if there is anything I can do to help her to change her mind.

I know she is looking to find herself, be on her own, and wants to have a loving, nurturing, and open R with someone (something we haven’t had in a while). Also I know she wants to start dating someone, just probably not me.

We met with a house appraiser the other day to determine how much the house is worth which will determine a lot of what happens with our finances and also how long we will be living together in the near future. She has considered doing a LT separation but I don’t know how I truly feel about that.
Well starting Sunday I have started to DB, not contacting my W unless she contacted me first. When I saw her the other day everything was cordial and no talk about the R, and she didn’t bring up the D either. I picked up a copy of DR and read it the first night, great book with a lot of great ideas. I have definitely been doing a lot of GAL in the past week. I have been eating better and working out more and probably lost 20+ llbs, started reading, started cross-stitching again, taking an active role in cleaning the house more, more walks with the dogs, spending more time with friends, going to the theater tomorrow, joined a cornhole league, and I even have an appt to learn how to 2-step and line dance with a friend of mine. That might sound like a lot of GAL but I realized in the R I never did these things which I really enjoyed. I was more focused on her during that time, but obviously not in the way she needed.

Also, I met with a C yesterday on my own, not with the end goal of winning my wife back, but to really find myself and the person I was long ago. I can tell you even after a few short days I can already tell a big difference. I feel more confident and I can actually look myself in the mirror now. I even had a friend yesterday tell me that I looked great and there was something different about me (hadn’t seen her since this all started) which made me feel really good (and no, don’t worry, not going down that path). Even the other day the W noticed that I was looking really good and to keep it up. I know these changes, no matter what happens with my W are going to be good and help me in the future no matter what.

My concern is a couple of things, will she even notice the changes that I am making from here on out (which are for me first BTW), if she notices how subtle are her comments or actions going to be, how detached do I make myself while still being confident and available with her in the house, when she is in the living room should I stay away from her or sit down and watch what she is when I’m not GAL, and lastly am I too late?

Obviously I love my wife dearly and I don’t want to see her go. I appreciate any advice you have on the matter and I look forward to updating you. If you need more info please ask and I will provide it.

Oh, I am 34, W is 30, no kids
M 8 years
T 12

[Joe1981]

Haven't had a chance to read it all yet, but be patient and don't do much to help her speed things along. Be patient.

Start working on you. Do some 180s on the things about you that bug her.

Read Divorce Remedy!!!

[Casey]

Yes, be patient and work on yourself; there is nothing you can do to work on your W. Make her do everything to initiate separation/divorce, etc. Don't move out of the house, don't promise to be her friend during separation, don't volunteer to do anything to hurry this along. If this is what she wants then make sure all the effort to get it comes from her. Go limp; for example W says "I want us to live apart", you say "Ok, if that is what you feel you need", but do not do anything further than agreeing.

If there is an OM involved then make it clear that you are no longer going to be her friend as long as she is involved in a relationship with someone else. If she is in the house, no gifts, conversations, acts of service, etc. Treat her like she is a roommate who has their own bf and you have your own life. If she moves out then go dark until the R with the OM is over. Do not initiate contact at all, and be very slow when replying to contact from her, and give short answers. Make her think you are enjoying your new freedom and you were out doing something with a friend/friends; don't give specifics, give impressions. Make her miss your companionship and all that you did for her. She has to think that you do not need her and that you are moving on with your life and not looking back. Do not let her cake eat.

FWIW, I didn't do these things at the beginning of my WAW's BD. I did everything wrong and continued to do so for months and I am in a much worse place now for it.

[Card29]

Casey, what is "BD"? I don't see it on the abbreviations list, other than "Big D" for Big Divorce, which doesn't make sense in this context.

[Casey]

Bomb Drop. I didn't realize it is not on the abbreviation list. Many members use it in their signature block.

[Joe1981]

Ok, she already is noticing. She told you so. Keep it up.

If she's watching something you like, I say watch it. If she's not, move along. Roommates for now. Keep track of what's working and stay out of cheese less tunnels.

[Dpthght]

Thanks for the replies. Today is the first day I have actually felt dread that it is going to be over. The appraisal for the house should come in today and I need some help on how to proceed.

If the house value comes in high then she is going to want to put the house up for sale immediately, granted it will take time to sell because of the price so I guess that works in my favor.

If the value comes in lower then there are either two things that are going to happen. 1, she moves back in. 2, she separates until a later date.

I know she is going to contact me today to want to meet, I can't do tonight thank God because I am going to a play. When we meet up what exactly do I say given the two options above? I don't want to sell the house immediately as I feel this process needs more time.

Completely lost, thanks again for the help

[Dpthght]

Well it turns out she is going to be moving back in after this weekend, or so she says. She is coming over tomorrow to pick up a few things and I know she is going to want to talk about the house and options.

I don't want to completely ignore the topic but I certainly do not want to move forward with anything involving the house. How do I respond given the above post to make it cordial but without me being a complete doormat?

Thanks

[Dpthght]

Sandi/all

I tried to reply to your message but I guess it didn't make it in before the server outage. Here is some more background

We met in college, she was a freshman and me a senior. I was her first real boyfriend and she was about my 3rd real girlfriend. We had a great courtship at the beginning and truly up until a few years ago. One thing I must bring up for clarity, 6 years ago I ask for a divorce from her. I was still in love with her when I did and still cared deeply for it, my reason was purely physical. In the talks that followed she told me (this hurts to say BTW), that she hated sex, dreaded it, it hurt, and only did it to keep me around. Obviously that did not make me feel very good. A couple weeks passed and I realized that is something that we can work on and I decided to give it a try. After we talked and she started to discover herself the bedroom became MUCH better. I wouldn't have called it great, but she was enjoying herself and so was I.

In discussions with my therapist that moment was a turning point in my life. I realize now that I loved her but I was not able to forgive myself for what I did to her. It changed me from telling her and showing my love into someone that was trying not to lose her. I gave up a lot of myself in the years that followed and it wasn't the man I used to be, or the man I am starting to become because of this situation.

Our marriage as of late had become stagnant, we just became very comfortable with one another and we lost a lot of that passion every couple needs. She also started to become more focused in her career, something she never wanted to do. She is an engineer and never wanted to live the life of a manager or higher. As of late she started to want that, became licensed, dressed better, took care of herself more, and was even becoming the face of her companies department. I was so proud of her for doing that because she was becoming the woman I wanted her to be. I still support her in that regard and hope she does well in it.

In her talks with me she said she was selfish and what she did was for her and in no way was for us. She understands what I did was for me but more importantly was for us. She recently turned 30 and ever since her sexual drive has started to ramp up. I believe it is for two reasons, 1 turning 30 almost seemed like a MLC. The second, her birth control has expired (mesh) and although it is still keeping her from getting pregnant, it is no longer regulating the hormones in her body. She has also told me she is not longer attracted to me.

As I stated earlier, she started becoming involved (EA) with OM from work that she also biked with back and forth from work. When we separated, she was really looking forward to spending time with him while we are separated. That situation blew up in her face, and she started to just work on her. She knows she left because the grass is green complex (which she admitted it usually never is). However she has not shared any of this with me. I was snooping but I have stopped that as of 3 weeks ago. At least I know what the catalyst was now.

As of now, she has had a taste of that passion and she wants more, lots more, just not with me. She says she is seeing attractive people EVERYWHERE, something she never felt before.

She told me yesterday she was seeing a therapist, which shocked the hell out of me. She also noticed some changes around the house and complimented me on them and also complimented the way I looked (on Monday). I truly believe she is conflicted because I can see it in her eyes and it kills me. I want to tell her (I won't) that everyone makes mistakes, and it's never too late to learn from those mistakes and make this work. She is a very stubborn woman and I feel that she has something in the back of her head telling her not to change her mind. I did not do this on purpose, but I logged into facebook not paying attention and saw I had a message so I looked. Well apparently it was her account (used my computer I guess) and read what she was telling her GFs. The main point was that it was too late to fix anything and then more about noticed OM and even talked about the OM at her work and how gorgeous he was. I immediately signed out and haven't looked at it since.

As for me, I am trying to DB and detach myself from her as much as possible. I don't really see any hope for us except for one thing. She is still living at her friends house and on Monday, she mentioned she might try and find a place to rent for a couple of months. If she was so truly done why wouldn't she just pull the trigger and get it over with? Is she waiting for the therapist sessions to be over? Does she just want to date/sleep with other guys for a while? I am not doing anything to assist her in the D and maybe she is scared to commit to the D.

I am really lost and hopefully what I said is understandable. If anyone has any advice I would greatly love to hear it. Thank you again everyone for being there for people you don't even know.

Thanks

[MrBond]

Have you actually read the DB or DR books?

[Dpthght]

Mr. Bond,

Yes I have

[MrBond]

Okay, so in what ways have YOU changed?

[Card29]

Dpthght, your situation is so similar to mine. My WAW suffers from depression. I have been trying to get her to be more social for a few years. She started an EMBA program in March and began spending lots of time with a group of students there (originally for projects). She went on an International Seminar trip to Paris for 2 weeks, had an "awakening" and dropped the bomb on me when she got back. I'm DBing as best as I can and hoping she will eventually come out of the fog, and realize that she does love me, or at least had for years (she currently denies she ever did) and that she can feel like that with me again. So far I have had some micro victories, so I'm trying to stick to it (detach, GAL, 180, no expectations, give her space, be a friend) while keeping an eye out for the next microgoals.

Hang in there and DB as much as you can.

[Dpthght]

Bond, current things I am doing.

Making sure the house is immaculate (indoors and outdoors)
Doing a cornhole league on Thursdays
Been working out 1-2 hours per day and taking up new active hobbies I haven't done before
started reading again
started cross-stitching again
eating better
I haven't initiated any contact with W unless she does it first (been going almost three weeks on that)
Giving her space and when I see her all I do is listen as a friend would
I am not giving her info on what I am doing besides vague references
Overall just been trying to find who I was before things went wrong

Card, sorry to hear that, I wish you nothing but the best

[Dpthght]

Well it was a crap day. Garage door broke and had to get that fixed. Had to tell the W about that and made a joke about user error (long story) and she got a kick out of it. Then scheduled an appt and made a joke about it being better than the cable company. She made a joke back with a South Park reference (our favorite show) which made me lol. Everything got fixed and texted her all is fixed with a joke about the user error again and she was loling big time. All of that was good but I so wanted to ask her how she was but I didn't. Not talking to her or seeing gear is killing me.

Sorry for the rant just needed to share that. Again I thank you all for everything.

[Dpthght]

Well I signed up for Pintrest today to start getting some ideas on decorating. I looked at my W account to see what kind of ideas she had (she is really really good at this kind of thing) and I saw a pin buried in a category that had a picture of Ace Ventura going "Alrighty Then" with the subcaption of "When your crush won't text you back"

Why would she leave something like that for the whole world to see? Do I even bring it up to her at this point? Granted I know about the OM but she doesn't know that I know so I am kind of at a loss on this one.

Thanks guys

[Cnfused]

Would bringing it up make her feel closer to you?

[Dpthght]

No it wouldn't Cnfused, I just really wish she would admit it, but that probably will never happen. Just frustrating is all, especially when she leaves it out there for the whole world to see.

[Dpthght]

Well here is the latest and greatest.

W is still moving forward with the D. She is pressuring me to make a decision on the house to either try and sell it or keep it for myself. She is getting all of her statements together and I am doing the same. When she comes over she is all business and never brings up anything regarding our R, nor do I.

I have been trying to detach, only talking to her when she speaks with me and I listen way more than I talk. She seems hell bent on getting this over with ASAP and doesn't want to move forward just move on. Looks like she isn't moving back in at all at this point and is ready to find her own place.

Overall I am ok, taking it hour by hour (sometimes minute by minute). I have been GAL and trying various things to figure out what I enjoy doing. I am just lost.

[Dpthght]

Well I spoke with my attorney and a mortgage person. Looks like I will be able to keep the house (with forgoing my interest in her retirement) which is a great thing. Overall I won't have to come out of pocket very much which is good

W is supposed to come over tomorrow to discuss everything, she is really pushing to get the divorce finalized. When she is there I will tell her what both of them have said.

My question to the vets, obviously I don't want this and she REALLY wants to get this over with. There are things that we haven't discussed at all. I don't want to bring them up because I am trying to detach from it, but how do I let her know it's not too late to save this? I am sure people will say don't bring it up but I need some advice on this.

Thanks

[sandi2]

My question to the vets, obviously I don't want this and she REALLY wants to get this over with. There are things that we haven't discussed at all. I don't want to bring them up because I am trying to detach from it, but how do I let her know it's not too late to save this? I am sure people will say don't bring it up but I need some advice on this

What you have here is basically two opposite opinions, and you want to sway your W over to your way of thinking about saving the M.

The problem lies in the fact you cannot tak her out of a D, and you cannot talk her in to saving the M.

It seems most LBH'S want to save the M or turn the R around by talking. Doesn't work on a WAW. in her mindset, it is too late, and you would be wasting your breathe......and probably make things worse.

You can tell her a D is not what you want, but you won't stand in her way.

That means she has to do the leg work. However, you get legal advice and protect yourself. Just b/c it is not what you want doesn't mean you aren't going to be smart.

[Dpthght]

Thanks sandi, I didn't say anything to her this weekend outside of discussing the finances and logistics of the D. W found a place to rent and will be moving her stuff out within two weeks it looks like. Feels like we are on an express lane to the D, probably filed by EOM.

Thanks everyone for all the advice and listening

[Dpthght]

Need to text her but won't,,,

I lay in bed, my hand resting where your thigh was, wishing I could feel the warmth of your skin again. I miss you and only wish to have that feeling again. Good night my love

[FunDad]

I know that terrible feeling in the middle of the night that's all about missing your spouse (and in my case kids too). Unfortunately that's when the pain, loneliness, fear, rejection, abandonment, worry, and doubt seem to mount their most effect attack and rob you of your peace. Not being able to eat for days, and having your foundation crumbled out from underneath you.

Some ideas for you:
- Don't be alone in the house at night if you can help it
- Don't drink coffee in the afternoon(makes me nervous at nght)
- Exercise in the evening
- Melatonin at bedtime (It's a vitamin sold at walmart)

Also, I have discovered that by not contacting my wife very much during this whole mess I'm less depressed. Meaning no expectations = more peace. When I'm not feeding her chaos engine it helps slow this thing down and in turn results in a more PMA for me even thought I still love her and miss her dearly. I have no idea what she's up to and honestly now I'd probably rather not know. I do know however what I'm up during the detachment phase (that replaces my normal focus on her) and that includes:
- Prayer
- Listening to Praise and Worship. Fun rock music helps too.
- Little Experiments in kindness to my spouse (no expectations)
- Spending time with kids (we worked out a schedule)
- Working on the house (that I still live in)
- Exercising
- Getting back involved in Church
- Spending time with my Grandma (who is in her 90s)
- Regular visits to the Chiropractor
- Getting plenty of rest
- Meeting with a group of men, who care and support
- Hanging out with old friends and reconnecting
- Finding things that are funny (humor is like a med)
- Picking up hitch-hikers to show kindness
(this is not for everyone)
- Regular counseling visits and monitoring progress
- Focusing on my son who is still living with me.
- Reading Dr. Dobson's Love Must Be Tough
- Reading the Divorce Remedy
- Checking here daily
- Speaking to an attorney to help prepare me in case it does go that direction (I'm not filing first, she must do that).

Here are some resources for help to:
Unleash the power of forgiveness in your life(and be set free):
http://www.marriagetoday.com/overcoming-unforgiveness/

Get Motivated (where is your mind at?):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDp2D5HLLMM

Hope this help bro.

FunDad

[sandi2]

Why would she leave something like that for the whole world to see?

It is easy to do when you are fogged out of your mind.

I just really wish she would admit it, but that probably will never happen. Just frustrating is all, especially when she leaves it out there for the whole world to see.

Don't get hung up about her admitting it. What do you expect from it, if she did? Do you think the two of you would talk things over and work it out, or get MC?

[Dpthght]

Honestly sandi I'm not sure. The main reason I want her to bring it up it to face it, own it, and move on. I deeply care for her and if she isn't going to be honest with me then she will just do it again to someone else (although at that point it isn't my problem). Also for myself, discussing it would allow me to truly come to terms with it, but maybe it wouldn't who knows.

She just texted me and told me she was approved for the house she wants to rent. I just responded "that's nice, I hope you enjoy it." No response obviously from her. How do I proceed from here?

[sandi2]

The main reason I want her to bring it up it to face it, own it, and move on.

So it would be for her sake?

[Dpthght]

Probably more for her sake than mine, but I still need to go through that process, at least I think I do.

Fundad

Sorry I missed your post, I like your ideas but I have already done them for the most part lol. I don't drink coffee anymore (stomach issue), I ride my bike to work and back every day and do longer rides on the weekends. I try very hard to not be alone in the house except for maybe a hour of chill time before bed. I have been reconnecting with friends that I haven't spoken to in years, even have a phone call tonight with what used to be my best friend from my hometown. I try and hang out with people who have had the same decision crammed down their throat. Thank goodness Football (American) is back on which is something I love watching and eases the weekends a little bit.

I also started picking back up old hobbies that I let go by the wayside, eating much better, drinking less (not that it was a problem before). Focusing on the house is something I have been doing as well since I am keeping it. I don't have any kids (thank God) so luckily that isn't an issue. I have been seeing a IC, I only have 3 more visits then I will have to find a way to pay for that out of my pocket (which means I probably won't continue).

The only thing from your post that I am still not ready for is religion. I am spiritual, but certainly NOT religious. I do pray at night, oddly enough more for the W than for myself.

I have the attorney lined up and all the ducks are in a row, I certainly will not be filing first and will make her do that. I won't stand in her way regarding it but I am certainly not going to help her kill this thing.

I will definitely check out those articles you recommended.

Thanks

[FunDad]

How do I proceed from here?

One thing I had to do way to make sure my mail was not forwarded to her new place when she submitted her change of address. I called the post office and they straightened it out.

My wife's love language is acts of service. While I was still being tender and helpful before she moved, I brought her moving boxes. It was hard, but I wanted to show her I cared for her and would still be helpful. Not sure you want to do that however. I did not help them pack or move initially. Later I helped moved some beds and washer/dryer in.

[Dpthght]

Yeah I don't really know how to handle that one when she starts moving stuff out. The only thing big she will be taking is a bed and her office desk, I am sure she will have someone help her out with it though. I certainly don't want to be watching as she is packing up everything.

[FunDad]

You may want to also make copies of any important documents she will take prior to the move. Account numbers for bills and that type of thing.

I suggest you ask her when she's planning to move and be some where else. With a best friend would be a good choice.

FunDad

[Dpthght]

Already done, I really do appreciate it. I will give an update in the morning. Talking to my long lost friend really messed me up tonight

[Dpthght]

W got keys to her new rental yesterday. I worked up the finance agreement to buy her out of the house, actually came out WAY better than I was thinking and it put me in a really good mood last night.

Met with a buddy I hadn't talked to in a year or so and it was nice to catch up. He had been divorced and he told me his whole story with his ex, that also made me feel better. The only part of the conversation that got to me was when he said he never thought in a million years that we would ever get divorced.

W is calling the attorney today so I assume I will be hearing about that at some point today...great. Also saw the W yesterday, she dropped by without texting or calling me which aggravated me, I told her she looked good (she doesn't right now, she looks like a skeleton), she said I looked really good and was proud with all the weight I had lost (I look like I'm college again). I had some texts with her last night regarding the financial document and some updates I needed to do for it. I could tell she was getting frustrated about it and I simply told her again she was one of the smartest people I know and if she has a question to just ask me.

I miss her, I can't tell her that so I am telling you guys :-)

[pilot]

keep your chin up Dp. Its tough, but you are new to this. It may seem completely hopeless right now, but if you can hang in there for a couple for a bit, you never know what the future holds. The WAW mood and thinking can, and usually does soften especially if you keep to the DB principles of GAL, 180, and PMA.

[sandi2]

she said I looked really good and was proud with all the weight I had lost (I look like I'm college again).

Good job! You are at that age that I personally think guys start looking the best. Still young, but enough maturity to separate them from the boys, so to speak. So, enjoy it.

[Dpthght]

Thanks sandi! I have been enjoying it, people that I haven't seen in a long time are shocked and everyone is asking me what my secret is lol. It makes me feel good

[Dpthght]

Well the past 12 hours have been a bummer. Met up with a friend of mine for dinner last night, he knows my W and I really well. He said he texted the W to see how she was doing. She said although I was a great guy she was moving on with the D...terrific. Last night I really couldn't sleep and when I did they were the craziest dream and all involving her. The dreams I have been having are probably the worst thing right now. I just can't seem to shut my mind off at night. Anyone have any advice on this?

Then today is the anniversary of 9/11. That day was the first day her and I ever spent any time together. I know for a fact she doesn't remember being in her suite mates dorm room watching for what was hours on end just wondering. It's a memory I would like to share with her but not a good idea. I just wanted to share that with someone. Thanks for listening.

[pilot]

Dp, I am completely with you on not being able to shut my mind off. I have always had trouble sleeping at night, even during good times, because my mind does not stop. I can be exhausted but lay in bed for hours. Marriage troubles do not help in the least! I have taken more sleeping pills this past year than I can count. I almost hope to catch a cold so I can take nighttime cold medicine to knock myself out. There are no easy answers to help you sleep and calm you mind. I would recommend a glass or two of wine, but that in itself can lead to other problems down the road. I have found that watching tv, especially shows/movies I have seen a million times helps. I do not have to focus on them (or I will be awake all night watching tv) but the show causes a distraction to keep my mind from starting up.

As for what your W told your friend, ignore it. Remember, believe none of what they say, and only half of what you see. Your W is still in the stage of justifying her actions. She is not ready to rebuild your M right now, so why would she say anything other than what she did.

I know it stinks to hear this, but you have a long journey ahead of you. You are just getting started.

Keep your chin up!

[Dpthght]

Thank pilot, I wish I could take sleeping pills for cold medicine but I just don't trust it or want it. I usually have a glass of wine before bed anyway, whether I do it or not it never seems to make a noticeable difference. I like the movie/tv idea, except for me when I start watching something I have to finish it, even horrible movies lol.

[Card29]

I haven't had sleep problems in a long time (aside for the month after BD), but back when I used to, reading books in bed helped me. If a Grisham page-turner is too enveloping for you, to the point where you can't put the book down, maybe read biographies, histories, etc? If it was late enough, I couldn't keep my eyes open longer than 30-40 pages. I wouldn't recommend marriage/divorce help books in bed as that will not detach you from your sitch.

[Dpthght]

okay well that was certainly in interesting conversation. I was taking my lunch walk and I ran into the lady from HR. Briefly asked her what the health insurance pays as far as IC (still on EAP right now). She told me everything then asked a weird question. She asked "How old is your wife?" I told her she jst turned 30. She asked if she had a mini (or full) MLC and I said a lot of the signs started pointing to it. The next thing I know she is in full confessional mode about her husband and herself just turning 30 and going through all these changes. IT mirrored my wife almost to a T, except her H is mentally abusive and controlling. I really didn't know what to say except she needed to get some help and talk to someone.

Anyway it was really interesting having her tell me all of this and how it related to what my W is going through right now.

Update, well it's been two days since I sent the buyout for the house to the W, she has yet to respond (probably getting it checked out I am sure). Once she agrees to the buyout I assume she will push hard to get the D signed. I guess I have a question to the people that actually signed the D and still hope or got back together. If it comes to that point should I write a letter saying just because we are D now it doesn't change that I still want to work on it? I know that isn't detaching, but I really need some guidance there. I will ask more specifics when it gets to that point but just to put my mind at ease I figured I would ask

[Shakspr]

I hear you on it not being truly detached. Right or wrong, I will be writing my wife a short note on D-day. Check my thread (further up from the witty exchange :-)) for the verbiage.

And if things take a turn for the better, I guess I'll just have to re-word it!

[jb13529]

Wow, all of this was beautifully said. Unbelievably sad. It's so hard that all of us hear have had to go through this pain.

[jb13529]

sorry wrong thread!

[Dpthght]

Small update and some guidance needed. W finally called me regarding the buyout of the house. I had included seller cost assuming we are selling the house which is quite a sum of money. I am going to forgo all of her investment interest in exchange for the house basically. She is arguing she doesn't feel it's her responsibility to pay for any seller costs based upon an appraisal she ordered.

I spoke with 3 separate lawyers today and they all said that should be included in the buyout. How do I word the email to the W so she understands. She is a very smart woman but when it comes to finance and money she doesn't have a clue, I always took care of that. I know if the roles were reversed her attorney would advise her to do the same.

Anyone out there have any words of wisdom?

[pilot]

Wish I could help. Perhaps find something online you can link which cites what you want to do as common practice?

[Dpthght]

Wish I could help. Perhaps find something online you can link which cites what you want to do as common practice?

The thing is its negotiable in most cases. We are talking $15K which is her share alone. Obviously I don't want to just eat that and she should pay for her share. Not quite sure how to proceed

[pilot]

Would splitting it be a burden on you?

[Dpthght]

Also I really want to remind her of this day, she won't remember so I will tell you

W this was the first day together, although horrible it still reminds me of you, it reminds me of the cross-stitch I completed in honor of this day (completed and signed 9/11/02 one year later with you that still hangs next to our picture. (She even picked the font for the signature

I miss you and I wish I could tell you about it.

If anyone wants to see it I can post a link to the picture

I am not trying to belittle this day to anyone effected, it just reminds me of both good and bad memories. Remember...

[Dpthght]

Would splitting it be a burden on you?

We'll my calculations are all 50/50

[Dpthght]

Well quick update. I was out of town this weekend, decided to take a nice trip with some friends to enjoy the weekend.

W has made up her list of the stuff she wants, she has 2 items in there I want so overall not too bad I guess. I also sent her a revised buyout schedule for the house last Friday to which I have not heard anything from. She came by last night to grab a few things and her dogs, she didn't bring up anything regarding the buyout.

W spent the first night in her new place last night with the dogs we agreed for her to take. Man that was weird, all of her dogs are the ones that lay on the bed with me, just sucked. She is going to start packing up all the stuff I don't have a problem with and moving it out. Not really sure how to handle being there/not being there. Tonight is football so I will be gone and I have stuff planned Wed and Thurs. Should I just stay there while she is doing all that tomorrow? Should I remove myself? Just don't know what most people do in the instance.

Thanks in advance.

[bdub]

Regarding the sellers cost... I assume you mean the realtors fees. When I calculated my buyouts on several properties I included the realtors fees (7%?) on everything accept the property I was keeping. If you have to sell, it is an actual fee. I apologize I did not read far enough back to see if you are keeping it, but if she wants the sale, its going to cost money to sell it. In my sitch, I included conveyance fees, pro rated taxes, filing fees and capital gains.

I consider myself fortunate, I get to keep the dog. I bought the dog for W, and he really is attached to W but shes not going to take him. I have been doing everything I can with the dog to get him to be "my" dog, and its helping!

Keep me posted on how the move out goes. I am about to go through it myself and I am torn. I want to be there to watch what goes, but I dont want to be there to see it walk out. Very tough situation. I wish you the best!

[Dpthght]

Thanks bdub, thankfully we had 6 dogs so she gets 3 and I get 3. At least there is someone home and always happy to see me when I get there.

Regarding the house, yes I am keeping it but I am buying her interest out and want to include the seller costs based upon the appraisal. She will probably fight it but who knows

[bdub]

Thats a tough one because you really dont need a realtor for you and her to sell it to you. What does it hurt to try? Worst she can do is say no.

When W moved downstairs I literally had to shut my bedroom door to keep the dog in. He always slept in our room but he loves his momma. Thankfully she doesnt want him on her fancy new bedspread so I get no grief from her. It took the dog about a week to adjust. After the first night or 2 he took over her spot on the bed and after a week or 2 he stays there all night. In fact last night, he came to me just before bedtime and I didnt have to call him to the room or anything.

Now I just hope he doesnt get hit on the road one of these days.

[Dpthght]

Wow, I just printed all the D paperwork off of the county website to read and mock fill out. It's amazing after 13 years together all it comes down to is 10 minutes of writing and $289. Everything we have invested, strived for, built, shared...all of it removed for $289.

And then there is this little gem which perked me right up

IT IS HEREBY ORDERED that the bonds of matrimony now existing between the parties are hereby wholly dissolved, and an absolute Decree of Divorce is hereby granted to the parties, and each of the parties are hereby restarted to the status of a single, unmarried person.

Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy...

[Dpthght]

Update

W is now backing away from the buyout of the house. So it looks like I am going to have to sell, I had a Realtor come over and dropped off all the paperwork to get the house listed. W is starting to become more hostile in her conversations, they are mainly emails right now and she has never been good at writing so who knows.

I am thinking once the house sells (or the buyout happens), I am going to have the D paperwork all filled out and ready to go. We need to get everything notarized no matter what happens so I am thinking to just get everything done at that time.

She was supposed to come over last night to get more of her stuff and talk, she told me she had dinner plans and wouldn't stay long. Then she texted and told me she wasn't coming over because she didn't have enough time before dinner. I really didn't like that she is telling me she has dinner, but I simply responded "no worries, have a nice time." It hurts having to validate that knowing she is probably with OM but what can I do?

I have also wanted to suggest she get back into painting, she has made a few over the years and they are very beautiful. I know I probably shouldn't say that to her, but she is really quite good at it. Thoughts?

[bdub]

Can she legally force you to sell?

[Dpthght]

No she can't, but then it wouldn't be uncontested and the judge would have to make that decision...really trying to avoid having to get lawyers and such.

[LisaB]

Hey Dpthght,
Just read through your story and it is uncanny how many things about what your wife is doing remind me of my H. Even the same age. Career changes, identity crisis, OP at work... Even the things she is saying like that you are a great guy but she is moving forward. Also that you feel she is conflicted but too stubborn to change her decision. So many similarities.

Hang in there, you might find your story has a few more twists and turns...

Things may not have worked out with the first OM at work, and now she is looking for other guys. That is what happened with my H. But when she finds out that the grass is not greener with those other guys either she may finally wake up from the fog and realize what she has done.

If you can keep up your positive attitude and changes you never know what might happen.

Good luck with all the house stuff!
Hugs, Lisa

[Dpthght]

Thanks Lisa, it's nice to know so many are going through this. I am not going to give up on her and like you said, who knows.

Last night was good, met with my C and she says I am doing very well considering. W moved more of her stuff out last night, the hardest thing to see is the closet being so empty. I was having a fairly good morning until the W mentioned she had an appt at 4:00 so she wouldn't be over till later to pick up more stuff. I am pretty sure it's for her birth control which just made me feel sick thinking about it. I honestly wish she wouldn't say anything other than I'm busy.

IC did say the W has been trying to bait me into fights (or at least confrontations) based upon texts and emails, I told her I wouldn't give my W the satisfaction

So now I am missing my W again, completely lost again, thankfully I have a lot of GAL for tonight and tomorrow.

[rd500]

Sorry to read of your sitch. Stay strong and know you will get through this.

[Dpthght]

Well update time I guess. W still has a bunch of stuff at the house, all the big stuff is gone now though. We got the cell phones and insurance split up, the tax return is done and filed for last year, and we are splitting up the finances later this week and she will have a first draft of the divorce decree to me this week.

I just can't believe how fast this is moving along.

Saturday was a bad day, that is when I had to spend time with her and then see her go again. I was an emotional wreck until I started writing her a letter that I want to give her (maybe) when the divorce decree is signed. After that I felt a lot better.

Positive things, I am really looking forward to decorating the house as I see fit. A lot of what is left I will keep because I like it. A lot of my free time this weekend was going on pintrest to look for ideas on the house and I got some really good ones. I am actually looking forward to painting, moving stuff around, and working on the house decorations (she did most of it). I am looking forward to gardening (she always did it), and building furniture.

Sad part is a lot of the above I used to do it all, I guess that is the point of GAL, find yourself again and become a better person. I still miss her terribly, I have a friend whose wife has been a great help. Whenever I want to text my W I write my friend's wife instead so at least I know someone is reading it.

[Dpthght]

Oh, when I saw her on Saturday she was having a HUGE breakout of zits on her face. She never really got them before, I guess she is still stressing about what's going on, among other things.

All of this is still so weird

[Card29]

Your sitch is moving so fast. Keep your head up and stick with your GAL. Keep posting here because people are listening.

[Dpthght]

One of those funny things, yesterday I was in my driveway after riding home from work. There was a slight breeze, the sun was getting long, there was a certain smell in the air and I had this feeling of dread. I didn't realize until today that yesterday was the last day of summer. Now we enter the 2 months I absolutely love, and I won't be able to spend any of it with my W...and most likely any other time.

W is coming over today to pick up more stuff, I will be out and about for a bit while she is doing that, but we need to split the finances before Thursday so we really need to speak.

On a plus side I figured out what I am going to do for my headboard, so it looks like I am gonna be painting and woodworking this weekend, really looking forward to that!

[bdub]

Hang in there Dp.

[Dpthght]

Okay so she is coming over tonight, not to get more stuff but to discuss the finances (She already has her own place and I am keeping the house, and my paycheck is going into the joint acct which she has access to and part of her money). I will try and do my best, but just how in the heck to do you validate in this situation?

In ego boosting news, I saw two people over lunch today and they marveled at how I looked. I even just had someone ask me out for coffee. I accepted (for some reason), friendly chat and meeting new people I guess is why I did it.

Any advice on the finance conversation?

[Dpthght]

OK, update time. W came over to grab a few things and we talked finances. I had specifically asked her to talk to me regarding it in person so there was no confusion and boy was I glad I did. She started off by saying she was going to stop moving stuff out and solely focus on the house buyout and the divorce. I explained to her the only reason I wanted to discuss the finances is because her paycheck is now going into her own account and mine is in the joint (no personal acct for me). I just said we need to split what is in there and then that is it, since all of the bills have been split anyway and also since her rent and my mortgage is due next week. I explained the "paperwork" can come later and is not a high priority on my list of stuff (nor will I be doing ANYTHING to advance it). She simply said "oh, oh yeah that's a good idea and makes sense"

Talked a little more about stuff and then it came to the dogs (I have all the senior dogs). She asked if I wanted to take Penny to the chiropractor and I simply said I can't, not because I think it doesn't help, but I told her it's a money issue (VERY tight budget). She is on medication that controls her pain pretty well so I'm not too concerned about it. A 180 for me would have been to agree but I honestly can't afford that right now until I get a roommate, so maybe a slight setback there. She did say if there is anything I need (help, advice, etc) regarding the dogs to please call her and she will take care of it.

Before she left I gave her the certification for the diamond in her ring (that hurt to do). It was mainly for insurance purposes, but I know she will need it if she wants to sell the ring. I'm glad I did because her response was, "I looked everywhere for it, where was it?" I told her where it was which was with all the house stuff. I gave it to her and said "I don't know if you have sold the ring but you will need this for the insurance policy if you still have it/keep it." She said she hadn't sold the ring (that made me feel better, and I didn't say anything, just nodded my head).

Speaking of which, what do I do with all of the pictures of us around the house and my ring? I was thinking of reusing the frames on most of them, storing the pictures, and keeping the ring in the same place. Is that what most people do? I am not ready for this to be over and I don't know to destroy the pictures out of spite. I know she won't be taking them, so...any advice?

I have my last session with the IC tonight then I am prepping the house to "make it mine" over the weekend. I wish I was good at crafts, which is something I am going to start doing as one of my GALs.

Thanks all

[NewLeaf]

Hi Dpthght,
I thought of destroying the photos too, but when I really thought about why I wanted to do it I realized I was upset with her and thought it would make her feel some of my loss. I was making it about her. When/if she moves out I'm going to box them up with the ring and a hard drive of all the digital photos, out of sight, out of mind. I know I won't regret keeping them, but I'm reasonably sure I would regret destroying them at some point.

Hang in there, good luck at your IC session tonight.