I like the counseling for co-parenting strategies idea, too - it sounds like a good way to get a bit more on the same page and might help to take some of the pressure off you.
I'm on board the "what if being nice to him is showing consent train" too. It's not the most comfortable ride in the world, and it's easy to worry that being kind - which I generally try to do for most people anyway - is showing that I'm okay with a lousy situation and giving him permission to continue with it because I seem to be fine.
It's lousy, and resentment creating. There's no two ways about it.
MLP, thanks for the reminder that divorce doesn't take away the pain. I'm going to keep that in mind.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I had IC this morning and spilled the whole thing to my C (who did not comment on my appearance or suggest dating to me at all). It was a four-kleenex day.
His primary concern is that my H get treatment for the ADD. He doesn't think anything else will get through till that happens. I agree. H knows this is something he needs to pursue, so I am left hoping that H will do what he said and book at least one IC appointment for himself. I don't feel like I can push for this any harder than I already have.
IC also said that the fact that I have such a hard time being warm to H in person is as confusing to him as all his stuff is to me and that I need to find it in myself to respond more warmly to my H when I see him. He talked about "contingent communication" and how we aren't communicating directly with one another any more, but communicating with our perceptions of what the other one communicated. He said that's true on both sides. He wasn't too impressed with my text but said it was understandable that I would crack under the circumstances.
He also said he was really impressed that I had found DB and was trying as best I could to follow it, that it was really impressive to see someone stand up for their marriage as strongly as I am and that I should feel good about myself for that.
He suggested that I at least talk to D11 about H having a "brain glitch" like my FIL and my S8 (which she would understand) that can make it hard for him to meet her needs sometimes, and give her some strategies for working with him so that their stays at his house are more comfortable.
He also said I should tell my H that he's confusing me with his behavior (he used much stronger language than that, lol) and that it makes it hard for me to know how to respond to him. I'm really not sure how to do this and H is on a business trip anyway so I'm going to wait and see what happens next.
I feel like a Weeble Wobble. You know, Weebles wobble but they don't fall down? I find myself standing for the marriage without even intending to. It's like my default setting. I find this really curious and wonder if it's because I really love and believe in him that deeply or if it's because I can't imagine my life any other way.
So that's where I stand now. I'm really, really tired and looking forward to the evening when I can sack out on the couch with my kiddos and read to them. In the meantime, I have work to do, so...
Allons-y!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
H called kids tonight and S6 gave me the phone before either of us could decline. I managed to be reasonably friendly and showed interest in what he's doing. He asked about D11 and was glad today was better.
I'll keep working on not losing my temper and on being warmer, within reason. In the (unlikely?) event that he asks me to another family dinner, I will accept and I will smile. Kids and I have good plans for the coming weekend so I'll have something to talk about that is neutral.
My mother posted one of those memes on Facebook about how a real man treats his wife and right in the middle it said he doesn't cheat. I'm steeling myself to ask her to take it down and not do that again. I am angry that she would do that publicly. It's outing my business and she has no right to do that.
God give me strength...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Today I am going to practice patience. Like, practice it, by itself, as a thing a person can DO not just a passive way to be. Reading how things happened for T0324 and for Train, that's what I want for myself. To have him come to me entirely on his own and say "you're IT and I'm sorry." I can't force that. It's all him.
Tomorrow I'll practice it again. And over and over until it doesn't have to be practiced.
If anyone has resources to recommend for how to learn patience, I'm all in favor.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I had IC this morning and spilled the whole thing to my C (who did not comment on my appearance or suggest dating to me at all). It was a four-kleenex day.
His primary concern is that my H get treatment for the ADD. He doesn't think anything else will get through till that happens. I agree. H knows this is something he needs to pursue, so I am left hoping that H will do what he said and book at least one IC appointment for himself. I don't feel like I can push for this any harder than I already have.
IC also said that the fact that I have such a hard time being warm to H in person is as confusing to him as all his stuff is to me and that I need to find it in myself to respond more warmly to my H when I see him. He talked about "contingent communication" and how we aren't communicating directly with one another any more, but communicating with our perceptions of what the other one communicated. He said that's true on both sides. He wasn't too impressed with my text but said it was understandable that I would crack under the circumstances.
He also said he was really impressed that I had found DB and was trying as best I could to follow it, that it was really impressive to see someone stand up for their marriage as strongly as I am and that I should feel good about myself for that.
He suggested that I at least talk to D11 about H having a "brain glitch" like my FIL and my S8 (which she would understand) that can make it hard for him to meet her needs sometimes, and give her some strategies for working with him so that their stays at his house are more comfortable.
He also said I should tell my H that he's confusing me with his behavior (he used much stronger language than that, lol) and that it makes it hard for me to know how to respond to him. I'm really not sure how to do this and H is on a business trip anyway so I'm going to wait and see what happens next.
I feel like a Weeble Wobble. You know, Weebles wobble but they don't fall down? I find myself standing for the marriage without even intending to. It's like my default setting. I find this really curious and wonder if it's because I really love and believe in him that deeply or if it's because I can't imagine my life any other way.
So that's where I stand now. I'm really, really tired and looking forward to the evening when I can sack out on the couch with my kiddos and read to them. In the meantime, I have work to do, so...
Allons-y!
This all sounds great. Do you agree? I especially like this:
Quote:
He talked about "contingent communication" and how we aren't communicating directly with one another any more, but communicating with our perceptions of what the other one communicated. He said that's true on both sides. He wasn't too impressed with my text but said it was understandable that I would crack under the circumstances.
How do you get out of that? I did the same, and can remember how uncomfortable it was.
The infamous text. Anger is s a good thing in most cases. It's a warning that someone has crossed a boundary.
What we get to decide is how we express that anger and reestablish the boundary. If we react from a place of pain or fear it'an attempt to transfer our hurt to the other person. Tit for tat.
Waiting for the emotion to move through and addressing the trigger based on your needs might be helpful. Straight out, no apologies. When x happened I was angry because......
Give him free reign to parent as he parents. Let them figure it out together. The only way we really learn anything is trial and error, let him have that experience.
I know it's difficult but you've done difficult things before.
((( )))
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Anger is s a good thing in most cases. It's a warning that someone has crossed a boundary.