What you are feeling is very normal for someone who has a spouse that is slowly inching his/her back to reality. Yes, you are scared and worried about him, the relationship and how things should/will be. It is very normal.
You are seeing small signs of reconnection and you aren't sure that you can trust those signs. Again, very normal. How long does it take for him to return to reality? It will take as long as it takes until he's completely healed. One of the things that you need to do for now is accept him for who he is and not the man you married. Once the full reconnection takes place, it is another 18-24 months before the crisis person will settle down and become the mature person that he/she will be. You've got a ways to go and there are going to be many ups and downs and you will need to keep your expectations very low or zero. You will see him swinging back and forth, i.e., coming close and then distancing. You will see him withdraw every once in a while to think. All very normal.
You, on the other hand, will become frustrated, disappointed, upset, and impatient quite often. If your spouse is truly reconnecting, this will be hardest part of the MLC journey for you. Why? Because the signs are starting to appear and you get anxious and want it over and done with. It doesn't happen that way and that's why you need to accept him for who he is today and dig deeper for patience. Stop expecting him to be the man he was pre-crisis. Stop expecting him to respond to questions the way you think he should, stop expecting him to do or say things that he would have done pre crisis. This is a new man, new relationship, which means once he's come out of the crisis completely, he may think and/or act differently. He may determine that his lifestyle is going to change, i.e, if he was a workaholic, he may opt to relax a bit more. Some do retain a few of the mlc traits after they wake up and others don't. So, for today, don't watch the pot boil. Focus on you, your son and your interests. Leave the rest in God's hands. Your h is not fully baked up and it's going to take a while before that occurs.
If you haven't read this thread, I suggest you take some time and do so:
JOB THANKS, I need to read what you just said, I feel like Im going crazy,,,
I will read the thread TODAY, and I will sit back and watch the show.
I will post out my feelings in hope that I will avoid a blow up or M or R discussion with my H.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Something else... I do NOT like wearing my ring. I wear it cause Im still M. And because I dont want to answer alot of questions when folks notice me not wearing it, and I dont need or want attention from other men now (too tempting)...AND I worry that if my H is trying to come back and notice Im not wearing my ring he may withdraw or it could have a negative impact on outcome...
BUT I really get upset when I have to put it on, and when I look at it during the day...
Thoughts on this...PLEASE
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Hi 2B, It took me a long time to stop wearing my ring after W stopped wearing hers. I finally stopped when it seemed that by not taking it off it looked like I was pursuing her or trying to stop her from getting what she wanted, a D and away from me and her "bad M". The week she took it off she went to FL to visit her dad. She came back talking about how she was so outgoing and talked to so many strangers (which she never used to do). Thing is she started telling me about the people who she spoke to and they were ALL MEN. One even tried to follow her off the plane to get a drink together and when she said no, he came back and asked her questions about how to find the right gate, where to go, etc. (obviously trying to pick her up!). She told me this with a wicked smile and look like "ha, ha. How do you like that H!". To me the only reason a person who is still married no matter what is going on is to show the world they are "available"! I really got upset about this, bad moment. But even then I didn't take mine off. I didn't think it was fair to someone who may be interested to find out that I was still married after thinking I wasn't. It all ended when W said she went to lawyer and was going to file. That was it for me. I took it off.
In the end, it's really up to you and how you feel. H is not going to change anything whether you wear it or not so if it bothers you, I would take it off. The M it represents is gone forever anyway. If you ever do reconnect with H, it will be a brand new R. Neither of you are the same people you were before all this and any new R will have to start from a whole new perspective, IMO. In the end it's how do YOU feel and what do YOU want.
I wore my ring, even told H that as far as I was concerned, I was still married.
Then after he served me, I replaced it with another ring, for a new chapter. It was supposed to fit on my ring finger but I'd lost so much weight. I told him at the time that I wanted to wear something because not wearing anything "gave people the wrong idea." (Mainly, MEN.)
So I substituted the silver wedding band he and I got before we were married, (but were engaged) on a vacation in NM.
I wore this for quite some time, but after so many months of looking at his naked hand, his ring supposedly thrown in his desk drawer at work, I just took it off. It no longer felt "right".
I loved wearing it before, it was a coat of armor against unwanted attention. Now that armor is gone, and I'm not ready...
I felt too that wearing it was like pursuit, holding on--not letting him go. I had to take it off to say "You're free. And so am I."
Not that I really feel like that, but I needed to make that statement to him.
I think after everything, it was HE who wanted to "Move on" that he wanted ME to "Let go"... but I don't think it was ever in his plan that I would "move on" as well.
*Sigh*
Sorry for the highjack.
Funny--- I notice wedding bands all the time now... and it's a bit of a trigger to see a man wearing one. I think to myself:" Wow. There's a man who publicly declares his commitment to his wife, something my H can't do for me."
And then I think of something else. Like Cappuccino.
Hang in there,
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I don't think my H would notice..when home I always take it off, housework etc. When we go someplace its family event he might notice then...maybe
I don't think I can handle the attention without it..since I've been GAL and making sure I look good on the outside I been getting some attention even with ring on. I can say I had let myself go a lil...put on a lot of weight over the years...but when I get myself ready to go anywhere now I make sure to spend lil extra time on me.
I told my friend and she told me men always notice me and give me second looks I just always ignored it...now that I feel so lonely...I don't need the temptation.
But this ring...I guess for now I will wear it when I feel like it. If H filed for D or moved out I will take it off for sure.
Do u think my H could see me wearing it as pursuit or most likely that I m not moved on... I will probably not wear it with him.. I also think about the example I'm setting for my son...I'm sure he notices more then we think. Back to I'm still married should wear this ring.... Now I'm on my own dam roller coaster---sTop I feel sick I need to get off
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I'm setting up GAL starting this Saturday, I need to stay as busy as possible to avoid dwelling on a anniversary that will most likey not be celebrated:( Monday may be really hard especially if H does not work that day.
I dont even know if a card left on his nightstand that morning will be seen as pursuit and or me not hearing or believing him when he BD last year.
Wearing my ring, does he see that as pursuit?
H did call me today about a purchase I wanted to make and he said since I also want furniture that we should go out looking for furniture and use the money towards that. This furniture would be in his man cave (basement).
What is this? Is he not planning to leave ever? Dose he think getting furniture will make me "happy"?
If he is sticking his head out of the tunnel, I know I need to be there, but not pursuit just let him know its ok?
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
If you leave a card on the nightstand and it's not mushy, I wouldn't consider it pursuit. It's just recognizing the day for what it has meant to both of you in the past. If you don't want to leave the card, then don't...but don't sit there straddling the fence and asking yourself "should I or should I not". The question should be, would I do this if things were okay. Are you a card person? If you are, then do it w/no strings and/or expectations attached to it. A simple card, nothing more.
As for wearing your ring...that's a personal decision and many of the crisis people don't see it as pursuit. Some will say something about it, but if your h hasn't said anything to you, then wear it.
As for the furniture, he was having a moment of clarity and quite frankly, I don't see your h leaving home unless you rock the boat and put him out. Yes, he may say things about leaving or divorcing you, etc., but his actions state something different. He's comfortable there and you aren't making demands. In his own way, he's trying to keep things civil and wants to keep things on an even keel so that he can get the furniture. He may think that if he offers to go furniture shopping w/you and you get what you want, you'll not rock the boat about what he wants to purchase.
From your posting, he may have been having a moment of clarity, but they are short lived because eventually, they go back into the tunnel for a period of time.
Try not to over analyze what he says or does. You are going to drive yourself crazy doing this. Always remember, actions speak louder than words. Try to keep the focus on you and your family and allow the man upstairs to do his job.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, been praying ALOT, I dont think you can pray too much.
I'm a card person, and I decided to get a card and leave it on nightstand.
H has never mentioned my ring, I have caught a 2nd glance to my finger from H when I did not have it on.
Actually H does not remember dates, the card might remind him it's our anniversary...he is usually off a day or 2.
Today as H was leaving for work, we were talking about son & football ...I noticed him lingering,,,he actually came into where I was and leaned in for a goodbye kiss that has NOT happen in a while..a couple of months, I have given him a couple to test waters but not him actually coming in for a kiss goodby.
I agree that unless I rock the boat my H may not leave our home. I "think" he is not sure what he wants, he also does not want to be the "bad" guy and leave his family, he may also be comfortable here in our home, he may be cake eating, some comments he has made makes me feel like he is not ready to let me go. @Job that was alot of over analying I just did.
H has never mentioned D it was me who brought it up one time last year. H has offered to leave he said if it would make me feel better, he also threaten to leave once when I was being very emotional, crying , telling him off etc...but nothing since I think April.
Oh I also had to validate today...his niece, she and I have not been the best of friends,,,well she challenge me to the ALS ice bucket challenge, H was like I bet she did, I said why you say that,,he was like you have been mean to her for years...at first I said no it was mutual etc, and started to defend and point out her issues,,but then I said you are right "she and I started out on the wrong foot" but we are better now and he said yeah now you guys are...
I overthink toooo many things, so a 180 for myself will be to work on this in general not just as it relates to my M.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Hi 2B, Just wanted to say that you never know what may set them off and out the door. My W offered many times to leave if it was "too much" having her around knowing she wanted to leave. It was like she so badly wanted me to tell her to go so it wouldn't be HER choice. In the end it wasn't anything I did that pushed her out the door. She found someone to tell her to do it (her father) and could therefore say that she was doing what HE thought she should do. It didn't matter that he was the ONLY person she knows who told her that she should leave. That her own mother was telling her to stay and try to work it out.
In the end, it really may have nothing to do with anything you do or don't if he stays or goes. Remember that. By the way, my 21st anniversary was yesterday. I was so worried what to do as this is first since W left. Turned out I was so busy doing things with my D's that I totally forgot about it! I woke up this AM and noticed the date and realized the day had past and I didn't think about it once! Didn't get one word from my W (soon to be ex). She's been gone just 2 months now and I've detached so much more in these 2 months then the year plus after B-day. You will be OK whatever happens, 2B. Remember that and you will be fine!
