I was doing so good

[dawgy]

I do want her to hurt to help realize what she is doing . I still love her immensly but i dont know why i do after whats shes done to us . I guess I believe in MLC or the affair fog . Her affair is almost 9 months old now if its still going on and I assume it is . I just wanna rip the OM s face off I feel so betrayed and humiliated . I still cant believe the woman I share a bed with for 25 + years has done what shes done . It all seems so sureal . Mlp do you really think her anger is unhappiness with herself or is it with me because alot of the people in the fog want to place blame on the LBS for the affair . I just went shopping for 15 mins with her and the boys and she was so distant . Im sure the boys are picking up on this

[stacey9]

Dawgy, I think they all try to blame the LBS for the affair as its the only way they can justify their actions. You be strong for the boys, they will know you will always be there for them. Be the better man because you are the better man.

Great post MLP, thanks.

[Eatsma]

Dawgy,

Based on what I've read - affairs can last between 6 mos and 2 years. So - 9 months? You may be just in the middle of it. That's incredibly frustrating but then stop and realize that you've made it THIS far....

I totally believe in MLC and the fog. And yes - I think that the affair is actually a condition of her MLC. She was unhappy with herself and she looked for something outside of herself that would make her happy. She found OM. My guess is that OM is NOT going to make her happy, but she's got to see it all the way through. Unfortunately for the MLCer, they tend to break more of what's around them as they go through their crisis, so the original unhappiness with themselves becomes harder and harder to fix.

So - if you've read about the MLC stages, she's in replay right now Her behavior is crazy and frustrating. Replay can take a LONG TIME. After replay comes withdrawal, and then depression--so it gets worse before it gets better.

All throughout this, you have choices. You don't HAVE to wait for her to get through this. You just have to be okay with leaving if that's what you decide to do. You can't make decisions with her anymore, really...You can do what's best for you and what's best for your family. For me, that still feels like waiting. But - like you, I'm 9 months in. It's become clear to me that I need to change who I am, and I won't be happy with the old relationship that we had before. I want and deserve more now. So - time will tell if I get that.

[dawgy]

After 9 months i still have hope . Ive only known for 5 months .I can hold on for a long time if I new that someday she will come out of this . A couple years is nothing compared to the 25+ I have invested in our marriage . Im worried abit about our anniversary , its sep 17 . This one is gonna hurt .

[Eatsma]

Dawgy, I totally get your anxiety about your anniversary. Mine is in October, and my heart aches just thinking about it coming up. This one is sort of a no-win situation for me. I don't want him to do anything, because I believe so little of what he says these days, but I also want there to be some acknowledgement. It's a no-win situation, for sure.

The last holiday we had, really, was Christmas. He had gotten me a very expensive necklace for it, but he sent a picture of it to OW. Her response, "I always knew you had great taste. ;)" Ask me how much I like that necklace? Ugh.

[dawgy]

I know the feeling Mlp . I bought the wife a nice dress back two months ago and I was snooping her phone when i saw she took a selfie with the dress on and sent it to him . That pissed me off alot . Its hard to believe that they can see us standing here patiently waiting for them and the shove this right in our faces . But the funny thing is they dont seem to think its a big deal . At this stage she probably thinks she loves this douche . I told her once , what kind of guy cheats on his wife , with a married woman with children ? He cant be a good guy . Hes a POS and I want to destroy him but im trying to be the better man .

[Eatsma]

Snooping is evil. My life is better without it.

I'm cleaning out closets and I just found a Canada Hockey jersey. He and OW had a bet during the Olympics. He lost, so he had to wear a Canada jersey to work one day. I told him after he wore it I was going to burn it.

He gave it to me the day after he wore it, and said, "You know...these are expensive. You might want to try to sell it."

I should try to sell it, but I'm afraid of the vitriol I'd spew all over ebay. Blood money, for sure. It would feel better to burn it.

OM is not a good guy. I will concede that he's probably a very broken guy. He's leaving behind a family, too - right? OW, in my case, has been involved with a married guy before my H, and had gotten married TWO MONTHS before she started her thing with my H. The first man she was involved with got divorced. She didn't end up with him (SHOCKER!). The fact that she's gotten involved with not one, but TWO married men by the time she was 30 is so flipping awful. The fact that she has lied and lied and lied and lied to her H (as of June, every conversation that she'd had with her H she claimed that she and my H were just friends.)

But then I stop and I realize that that is truly the sign of a broken individual. Really, really broken. Seriously - where is her moral compass? And does my H really think he can have a sustainable relationship with a person who is that much of a liar? Who is willing to hurt the people that she claims to love the most THAT MUCH (and ps - that includes my H...whom she knows is risking a TON to be involved with her)? Does he really WANT to be involved with someone who can lie so easily to her H, her parents, and her friends? The day he dropped the bomb on me he told me, "I trust her." Wow. That's crazy. Because based on everything you've told me about her, she is not a trustworthy individual.

It's just flipping sad.

[CaliGuy]

Dawgy little 2x4 time my man.

I completely get where you are at, I was there too .... and I find it amazing how the MLC's seem to follow such similar scripts. I will let you in on my secret, and hope it touches some of what you already know deep inside. The hard part .. where you are now, you have to let it go, she will do what she will do, she is in a fog and has decided to make you out to be the root cause for all her disappointments, right or wrong ... in her head .. YOU drove her to this, she feels she is the victim and OM is the one who "gets" her. .... she thinks her fantasy world life will be perfect and is focused on that ....the more you try to eliminate OM the more she feels compelled to protect and keep him..... Once I let WAW go, let her experience a life with a guy who has no idea what she is really like, does not love her like I do, let her see that her shiny polished gold egg fantasy life was flawed in every way ... it helped. I could not control where she was nor with who, I had to be a person that was harder for her to hate, I have a long way to go but I have seen progress ... she has been on and off with him all this year, I pray for her everyday ... and got to a point I prayed for OM, not for his well being (I am just not there yet) ... but for him to realize she needs her family, and what they have is wrong and was built on lies and deceit...the excitement will dissipate .... especially when she is not sneaking around.... like a kid .. we want what we can not have ... let that kid eat ll the candy for dinner and allow them to have the tummy ache and realize what they have done is wrong. Use the DB tricks you find here along the way to help you cope with the pain .... I have good and bad days, sometimes I need to see positives that just are not there .... others I just need a little pick me up, a reset from reading here to remind me I will be ok regardless ... and there have been some positives that I can hang my hat on.

Think about it ... even if she were to say to you .. "ok .. you win, I will be with you". Its not going to last ... she needs to look inward and realize you are the one she wants, want to work and do her part to save the M, for you... not because of you.

[dawgy]

Thanks Mlp and Cali , you guys are great . People like you dont deserve any of this . Its easy to tell how compassionate you are by the level of commitment youve shown for your marriages . You posts today have alleviated a lot of pain . Ive felt worse today than I have in weeks , maybe months . Not sure why , just the roller coaster Im on . But yes posts from you guys make so much sense and they give hope and thats what I need today . Thx again so much guys . The 2x4 actually felt good lol

[Bunches]

Dawgy, I sympathize. She pushes your buttons because its how she in un happy but if she gets a reaction she gets to feel right and justified. You have to focus on detaching from what she says and having no reaction to it all. I know, it seems impossible. And to do it completely might be. But you can try. Also, remember expectations come in all sizes. She told you she was going to move out and you built fear based on the expectation that it was going to happen. It might / it might not, you can't know and expecting it will only wind you up needlessly. My W wanted D back in Nov. 13 and pushed that hard for months to get it done quickly. Now I haven't heard anything about the D in 4 months. The story changes constantly in a lot of cases.