I was doing so good

[dawgy]

I was doing sooo good with detachment and GALing and boom last night I asked where she was and she wouldnt tell me . I tossed and turned all night , bad dreams , sick stomach the works . This morning I have a bad feeling . She didnt make my tea and she does every morning and has for years .Ive been holding onto that little detail for months and believe it or not I cherish the fact that she does this . Shes off work for a couple days and Im worried about her moving out . Please someone chime in and remind me how to handle this heavy anxiety Dawgy

[Joe1981]

Patience dawgy, try not too read too much into everything.

Evaluate what you've been doing and try to see what is and isn't working. Then stay out of the cheeseless tunnels.

[Eatsma]

Dawgy -

Slow down.

I saw your other post and I've been thinking about it this morning, and honestly I think you need to just let this unfold as she's planning it.

Crazy, right? Except maybe not.

You've been working on you. You've been working on becoming the best version of you. You should do that anyway - for yourself....but that is your primary focus.

If she moves out, that is the first step towards the fantasy starting to crumble. Until now, she and OW have had to sneak around. Until now, they've only seen each other at their best - adrenaline has been pumping, they've gotten themselves all dolled up....If they move in together, several things will start to happen:

1) They won't be hiding their relationship anymore. That means friends, family and neighbors are going to be in the loop for both of them. That means they're going to have to face A LOT of people with the fact that they've walked out on their families.

1a - If you take the stance that you are NOT going to divorce her right away and you are NOT going to date other people, who looks like the awesome stand up guy? That's right - you do.

Do not beat up the guy. Do not go to their apartment. Do not make threats by text or email. This is detachment for real now.

1b - If you take that stance, however, you've got some serious boundaries to set. This is going to be tricky for you. It's going to feel like you're pushing her away. It's going to feel counterintuitive. You'll have to trust all the vets on this one - but I believe that it works.

2) Their masks with one another start to slip. Now she gets to see him in the morning with his bad breath and when he takes his morning constitutional. She gets to see what happens when he gets texts about his kids. She gets to see him at the end of a really crappy day of work. They get to argue about bills, and how hard it is to pay them when they each have to contribute back to the families that they left behind.

Their magic relationship becomes less magic and more real. The statistics of these relationships lasting are incredibly, incredibly low. Basically - they don't have a chance.

3) With the super-detachment, you really get to work on you. I believe that this is easier. You can figure out the places you need to work on the most. I don't know you except through here, but my guess would be that you might want to work on less dependent relationships, maybe issues of abandonment, potentially anxiety....I'm just guessing. You and your IC can figure that out. If you don't have one yet - REALLY get one now.

4) Lastly - if she does leave, it's time to really look after the kids. Make an appointment with their schools to tell them that things at home are a little crazy right now. Schools have counselors who can keep their eye on the kids and will work with the teachers as well. You would do this for your kids if their mother had died, and frankly - this type of situation is similarly tricky for kids. The school may have a good recommendation for counselors for the kids, too.

Hang in there. It sounds like your road is getting bumpy. It's time for you to hunker down and really take care of yourself. You can't force your wife to do her journey the way you want her to. You're going to have to make some hard choices that go against the way you've done things before. Patience, strength, and courage, my friend.

[Eatsma]

Oh - and stop mind reading!

Agree with Joe - stay out of the cheese less tunnels.

[dawgy]

Thx Joe . I know Im reading into things way too much this morning but she told me at the beginning of august she was moving out sometime this month and ive been on eggshells ever since . Very cruel for her to do that to me . This is the second time Back in june she said she was leaving at the end of the month and didnt .Im not sure why she says she is and then doesnt . Ive been so detached for a while I really dont know the status of the A . I kinda wanna know and maybe i dont .How do I know what is working ? I know what doesnt work sometimes by her reaction

[dawgy]

Mlp , thank you so much for that . I needed that speech like nothing ive needed in awhile . i was doing so well , I dont know what transpired over the course of the last week thats got me a mess again but I agree with you 110 % . Her leaving could be just whats needed . Im just sooooo worried about my boys . She will crush them if she does this . Dad will be there though too try and keep it together with help from all my DB friends here Thx sooo much guys/gals Dawgy

[u-turn]

Dawgy,
Keep your head up man. I am not too good at giving advice - but have received much. Don't try to read her mind or convince yourself that something is going to happen - you will drive yourself crazy. It is painful, but you cannot control her, and shouldn't try.

Work on yourself - this maybe what's best. It may give you more opportunity to detach and for her to figure things out.

[dawgy]

things were going pretty well detaching and she seemed to be responding well . Talkative involved with our family etc . Then just in the last four or five days shes clammed up , very distant and shes showing it in front of the boys . It pisses me off , shes so selfish . Ive been very forgiving but man shes pushing me . I think shes totally negative on us . Its terrible , all the good times , the laughs our life . Shes treating it with such disrespect . She could still be nice and civil and still want to leave . She doesnt have to be mean , negative , snarky . I just dont get why she is being like this . Shes making the whole process very uncomfortable .

[Eatsma]

My guess is that she's mean, negative and snarky because she's very unhappy with herself. Her brain is in such turmoil and she gets to marinate in that all day long. When others invade her space, particularly the ones that she's hurting, she just gets crankier with herself.

Somewhere I read that for as bad as we feel, the WAS feels 3 times as bad.

And while I can be compassionate and a little sympathetic to that, part of me does think, "Good."

[SunnyB]

MLP that was a great post. Thanks, I needed that too.