Igit newbie needs help part 3

[igit]

Not sure how to attach my previous threads.

[pilot]

Just go to the first page of your last thread and cut n paste the web address from it.

[igit]

igits previous http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2480573&page=1

[igit]

Thanks pilot - not real good on computer. need my D12 to help. amazing how technology is so much easier for kids. anyway this am was w 1st actual day of her new teaching job. school is in session. this am one of twins wanted me to send pic to mom with his new tie on. wife texted back rt away and asked for me to call. she was in a good mood and talked to kids for a few minutes. I have 3 weeks to answer summons which wife and I have not talked about for 5 days. its hard to get a read on her . one night she is hugging me and the next day she is ignoring me. I am hoping that a couple weeks of this schedule will give her a better grip on how difficult this schedule is with kids and her teaching. She is so stubborn! I cant figure out how she thinks a D in 1st part of year is going to work out with kids, teaching etc... I don't want her back in the condition she is in. I need to figure out how to draw her back to me. she says she is just not attracted to me anymore. any help from vets on this would be appreciated.

[pilot]

I know exactly what you mean when you say it's hard to get a read on your W. Mine is the same. One day it's hugs and cuddles the next it is distance. We still have 'dates' when she comes in town but she still says she wants to move forward with the divorce. Even on that front she does not want to do anything with the divorce right now

What I think we have is Ws that are conflicted or have some degree of uncertainty. You are also right in that you (we) don't want the W back as they are. They need to under go some discovery of their own in regards to the M and R. Taking them back without changes on their part will not lead to a successful M

I would not put too
Much stock in her saying she is not attracted to you anymore. Those are just words and while they may be true today that can change at any time. Your best course of action is to think back to what attracted your wife to you in the first place. What were you like then? What did you do that you no longer do? I'm willing to bet you have long since ceased to be that person. Try to reinvent yourself in the image of your old self. She fell for you before and she can do it again. But only you can make her want you. You just have to be a person she will want.

Make sense?

[Ss06]

Just curious, Pilot, have you made it clear to W that you don't want your W back as they are? Have you said that she needs to make changes and discoveries in order to have a successful marriage? I'm curious how that works. My H wants me to make all these changes (that I'm not against, they would be GOOD and I am working on them) even though he doesn't believe I can make them or that I have made some. I am realizing only NOW that if this M were to continue, he'd need to make some serious changes, too. I'm not sure if I should say that. Now is probably NOT the time though.

[pilot]

Ss the prob I run into is my W does not want the M to work. So telling her she needs to make changes would go nowhere. She is not working on the M I am. So I can only work on myself. If the day comes she wants to work on it THEN I can say she needs to work on herself.

[igit]

Pilot I am in same boat. wife calls me a couple times today and is sweet as could be on phone. I am hoping I guess that this new career of hers will wake her up to what she is leaving. Her job is just gravy for our family. could do so much more together and family have a little breathing room. my business almost went belly up a few yrs ago. in the custom home bldg. business. its now starting to boom again. can make a lot of doe in a hurry. its just so hard to concentrate. after 19yrs together its such a shock to your system. to hear these negative feelings. I guess feelings can change daily and that is what I am hoping for. I just have a hard time detaching when you have 3 kids to manage. I know she see s the value in having me there. but I don't need a roommate I need a partner for life.

[igit]

Not the best night. Got home from work at 630 had mens bible study at 7.house and kitchen was a disaster. Wife said she was going to y said kids be ok she be back at 730. I got home at 9 and kitchen still a disaster, I cleaned dishes , swept floor, wife came down I said hello and she mumbled something. I was irritated and said you can at least say hi. I should have went to bed. Started argument for 5-10 min. She was mad as all get go. I let her pull me into it. We calmed down and talked for 20 minutes she asked why I won't give up. I told her I don't want this for us or our kids. It's hard enough doing this together how are we going to do this Divorced. Anyway I apologize d to her about something I did along time ago. I wasn't very sympathetic about a miscarriage 10 yrs ago and told her I was sorry. She then asked me to admit that I never loved her. I was floored. My answer was I have always loved you I am sorrIy you feel that way. I told her I didn't want to give up on our family but would go along with D and try and be civil. She talked about getting an apartment closer to school after D and me stay with kids until school was out. She told me to be positive about future, my answer was look I will be fine I just want my kids to be happy. There hapiness is more important than my own. She told me she felt the same way. So I feel I backslided tonight but am only human. I feel her anger and not sure if it's all about me.

[pilot]

Chin up igit. Yea, you did get sucked into an argument, but it happens. We all have snarky statements just waiting on our tongues to lash out. Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue a little harder!!

I have learned that R talks so close to conflict are never going to go well for you. I know it 'feels' like you are connecting when you calm down and talk and you probably want to take advantage of the time, but best course is to STFU.

On the bright side, you are still in the game. This one shot did not sink you. Maybe a little backslide, but heck, it beats a stalemate!