First post - My WAH story

[pilot]

It is not nosey. He is curious, which means he still has feelings and still cares. When he stops asking...that is when you have to worry.

You seem to be doing a good job and doing the right things. Keep posting and keep it up!

[Jacket]

Thanks, Pilot. You're right. I could tell my friend was taken aback by his question, though. "I didn't know what to say, so I just said Speech Stuff!"

[Jacket]

I feel like I've even doing a decent job at following DB, but now I feel paralyzed and don't know what to do. Help! H just texted me tonight saying he finished reading the library books I'd let him borrow from me a month ago. He asked if I wanted him to bring them by. He then followed up with, "How are you?" What do I say? I've been NC for 9 days now. Why am I so confused about what to do??

[pilot]

You are confused because you are afraid of making a mistake in your communication. We have all been there, especially after long periods of NC. Remember, NC is about getting your spouse out of a fog. You will not get your M back by staying NC forever.

You can reply something like "I'm great! Thanks for asking"

As for the library books, wth? A month late? Haha, make him pay the fine.

You can just reply 'Can you take the books back to the library? Not sure when I will have time this week'

Remember, he is asking the questions, not you. So it is not pursuing.

[Jacket]

The books aren't late actually. They're not due till 8/30 cause I renewed them.

[pilot]

Ok, well, the point is you want to be unavailable. "you can drop them off by the front door tomorrow afternoon. I should be home later in the evening and I will get them then"

Something like that works as well...

[Jacket]

You are confused because you are afraid of making a mistake in your communication. We have all been there, especially after long periods of NC. Remember, NC is about getting your spouse out of a fog. You will not get your M back by staying NC forever.

You can reply something like "I'm great! Thanks for asking"

As for the library books, wth? A month late? Haha, make him pay the fine.

You can just reply 'Can you take the books back to the library? Not sure when I will have time this week'

Remember, he is asking the questions, not you. So it is not pursuing.

Thanks for this, Pilot. Yeah, I got what you meant. Here's what I ended up saying: "I'm great, thanks for asking! Glad you finished the books. I'm not sure when I'll have time this week to receive them. Could you possibly return them to the library? I think ___ would be the closest to you unless you're in ___ sometime."

I think I was friendly and positive enough. I feel a bit sad though because I do miss seeing him and this would have been a perfect reason to without me doing any pursuing. However, I understand that NC is what we both need for awhile. He has no reason to reach out now. What if he just never contacts me again? OK, I know that's totally silly of me to think that, because I still have a bunch of stuff at his place, but that's just where my mind goes.

[Joe1981]

Hang in there Jacket.

Aside from working on GAL, how have you been doing on any 180s you've identified? Have you had much progress on being the W that only a fool would leave?

Remember, any interactions you have, you want him to come away with good thoughts about you.

[Jacket]

So I used to always grill him on what he was doing, especially with his LF. I don't ask about her or what he's doing at all anymore.

I've been working on really listening openly when he's talking to me and to ask questions that show I really want to know, rather than getting defensive or doing what he calls "attacking" him. When we are together, I make sure to give him quality time, and really pay attention to him, whereas I used to get distracted by my phone quite often before. I'm working on addressing my phobias, something I had previously just avoided before, and sometimes it would affect things we could go out and do. (I'm afraid of loud noises, particularly balloons.) I'm also trying to always have a PMA (whoops, I wrote PMS at first, LOL) when I see him, whereas there used to be a lot of getting sad and emotional when we were together.

[LisaB]

Hi Jacket, good job on the library books message! Pilot's tips were spot on I think.

Don't worry he will never contact you again. But I get what you are feeling, I have the same kind of thoughts. "If I do NC maybe he will just forget I exist and move on" Well, it is a possibility I guess, but the chances are slim.

Also good that you are working on your 180s. Those are super important for when you are in contact so that you can show how different you are.

Did he reply to your library books text?

Hugs, Lisa