Possible MLC WAH, and need guidance

[Atsbaby]

I asked H to give me another example and he couldn't. H admitted that he had been reading my journals!!

I lost it...total backslide tonight and it's only going to get worse!

I did tell him that the past 4 months he hasn't really been a dad to them. I told him that I knew he needed space, but he wasn't hearing the frustration from the kids about him not being here. He said that he wants to make sure he is the best dad for them...his dad was not there for him.

We continued some back and forth and then I finally put a stop to it. I then asked him if there was anything else that he was hiding from me. He didn't say no, but didn't say yes either.

I confronted him about staying at his buddies house. He said that he was and I said not the whole time you've been gone. I told him I found the love note. He said that there was no one else. When I told him what it said, he told me they were no longer together...which I did say a few days ago that she was missing from the fb page. I was right on which person it was. Not sure how they hooked up, but I don't really want to know.

They had started seeing each other in April, when all this sh!t started going down! Don't know when it ended, but he claims no sex was involved.

[Mighty]

Ugh, Ats. I'm sorry. That's a tough pill to swallow. The timing is similar with mine... when things started going down, her, yadda... ugh... the pits.

You will get through this. Now, it feels the worst. It will go up from here- it has to! It was good you mentioned the note. The timing was going to come. The details of h and ow r are irrelevant. But it is hard to wrap your head around the whole thing.
I'm sorry... but I am so serious when I tell you it will get better! Everyone kept telling me that, and I didn't believe it, or I just thought I wanted it to go back to how it was. It can't. It's different. There is still hope! You will get through this, regardless. You will be better. You will be stronger. You are amazing and have been doing so well. That is a testament to how you will overcome another obstacle. Please be careful in what you believe. He will tell you what he wants you to hear and what he can handle telling you. I don't think mlcers tell anymore than they can deal with. Does not mean there is more, but there may be.
You're good, Ats. It is a journey... there is still a long road. Keep posting. It helps.

[Atsbaby]

So this leads to our R. I'm glad we got here because I don't know what he's been thinking or doing behind my back. H still wants out. When I asked him why he wants out so quickly, he went back to "our m has been over for 3 years." So why can't we go to counseling or work on things. People don't throw away 19 years..."I can't discuss it" What kind of f'ed up lawyer does he have????

Needless to say, the paperwork has been drawn up for 2 weeks and he has yet to file. I asked to have a couple weeks to find my own lawyer...which I actually see next Tuesday. Hopefully this guy can work some magic!

I know its only a piece of paper, but man I feel like my world has spiraled out of control again. This is NOT how our R is going to go!! We WILL work, and I WILL fight to the end!

I know a lot of you guys feel so lost and confused when your H's say they want to come back, but then say not and then say yes; but I've not once heard those words. I wanted to feel hope that he was just a crazy MLCer, and he still is, but he's so stuck on getting out that there is no hope left.

I'm going to have to go dim. I have to get away and hope and pray to the Lord above that He will intervene to save us! No one else can!!

[Ss06]

Oh, Atsbaby, I'm so sorry about tonight. It's one thing to talk about a betrayal with OW but another betrayal was his reading your journal. My H has done the same and part of his anger is because "of all the terrible things I said about him". Truth is, I use journaling to help me get it all out and work through it all. Of course he only read a "getting it all out" entry. It's still a violation of your privacy and shouldn't be glossed over. It just adds to your inability to trust him and for that I am sorry.

His "can't discuss it" statement is BS. No attorney would advise their client to not discuss marriage counseling. What a crock.

Hang in there. You're in the thick of it but I'm thinking about you. (((hugs)))

[Ss06]

does anyone know why this post has an (!) beside it when looking at active threads? What does that mean?

[Matt165]

Hi ats,
Time for him to distance once again. He intentionally didn't help with the kids because he has convinced himself that evil W thinks he is a "bad" father so instead of showing you by his actions that he is a good father, he did the opposite. I got this type of thing from my W. All I would do is say something like "I wish you would come home earlier so we all can eat together" and I would get her coming home later and later, acting cold, etc. Until she would say something about my calling her a "bad" mother! I never once even thought this but she worked herself up until she was just so sure that was how I felt. This, I think, is how they end up blaming us for being the cause of their bad feelings. Things were going well between you. He was enjoying being together. This doesn't jibe with his decision that YOU are the problem, not to mention the fact that he now thinks that you are still there, still wanting to have a R. So, what is it that he can point to that reinforces his decision that YOU are the problem? Well, lets see, the other day you said something about how unsafe it was for S to ride in the Jeep without the doors on. He thinks about this and thinks about this and works it up in his mind to you saying he was a "Bad father". How dare she say this! Back to you being the "bad guy".

I saw this play out over and over with my W in the year she was still at home after B-day, as well as before B-day to a lesser extent (or maybe I just didn't see it as clearly). My W would say to her girl friends that I was saying she was a bad mother or trying to "guilt" her when I never did any such thing. This may be what your H was doing here.

Just something I was thinking, hope it helps.

[Atsbaby]

It's the icon on the top when you are replying to a post. There are some cute expressions

BTW,it defaults on the journal symbol.

Ss,
Thanks for the hugs. Boy do I need them. I let him have it about looking into my journal. H admitted that he was sorry and he even looked remorseful.

Thanks Mighty for the support, but you posted before I got to the worst part! Hopefully it does get better. I WANT him in my life. I know I don't NEED him. I've proven that the last 4 months (sort of). I know I'll be ok no matter what happens, but it still hurts like he!!.

He still wants to be friends after this. I told him I wasn't sure if I could be. He looked hurt...good! Ok not really, but maybe a nice reality check for him.

[Nitty]

I know a lot of you guys feel so lost and confused when your H's say they want to come back, but then say not and then say yes; but I've not once heard those words. I wanted to feel hope that he was just a crazy MLCer, and he still is, but he's so stuck on getting out that there is no hope left.

Atsbaby, I'm so sorry.

I think he IS just a crazy MLCer. I guess some of them are crazier than others. Some are worse, some are better. Not sure if the yo yo dance is better than the full-on run out the door, but it obviously still hurts like a mother.

[Matt165]

Sorry ats,
I was writing my last post while your next ones were being written! Oh, my, reading your journal! The nail in the coffin of my M came when my W read something on another blog. She didn't tell me until 2 months later! She said that I must have been the person who wrote the one post she read but of course, it could have been someone responding to a post I had written. I asked what it said that got her so upset? She said I said things that I NEVER wrote in any post! She got so upset saying I was "lying" about it her to other people. When I pointed out that even if I had written that post (which I don't think I did), no one knows who she is (or I am for that matter)! It didn't matter what I said, she had made up her mind that I thought "bad" things about her and that I lied about her, etc.

It really doesn't matter what you wrote in that journal. He wanted to find something bad, something that justifies his actions and choices. He had no right to read it but as an MLCer is want to do, the rules don't apply to them! I'm so sorry to hear about you finding OW. You knew about in your heart already, ats, it really isn't news. I wish I knew what you should do from here but I can't tell you. My W used what she thought I said about her to tell herself she was right that I thought badly of her and never really came back from it. That was when she took off her ring and never slept in our bed with me again. Of course it wasn't my fault that she chose to read something like that nor how she took it. All it was was a way for her to justify what she wanted to do and because I wasn't giving her a reason to run (I was DBing my butt off at the time) she couldn't use my real actions, she finally found something she could point to and say "I KNEW he felt I was a "bad W""!

Stay strong. It's not over yet. Keep DBing for yourself and your kids. No matter what happens, you will make it through this!

[Atsbaby]

After sleeping on it, or tossing and turning a lot, H hasn't really done anything different. He has shown no action of filing that I didn't know about, other than when he retained, they drew up the paper work.

Thanks Matt and Nitty. I would never wish my enemy to ever go through this nightmare. MLC stinks and the fact that you can't convince them to slow down and think things through.

There are times when I see so much clarity from him that I wonder if it's MLC, but I guess any normal person would be able to hold a conversation and actually tell you what went wrong and actually want to fix it.

I can't go dark because of the kids, but he had said when this all started that when I was away or he was away he never missed me. He still hasn't given me the chance to get away for him to miss me.

I don't know what to do.

He did admit that he had fun golfing, but it felt like we were two friends out there. I told him that's how it starts, by being friends...that's how we started our relationship 19 years ago. He started to get mad and I stopped talking.

I also backslid by throwing his ea from 3 years ago in his face, telling him that's when we should have gone to counseling, but he refused!

It's going to be a long day!