I don't love you anymore

[nova]

I think I get what you are saying Meghan. That makes sense. "Moving on" just seemed like slamming the door on everything. I never thought of it in the same context as detaching. I guess looking at it like walking through the door, but leaving it open behind you might be a better way of looking at it.

[Meghan]

I think the thing to do is to move on with your own life and become a better person - the person your partner would be a fool to leave, as is often said around here.

That doesn't preclude working on the relationship or leaving the door open, like you've said, it just means you get yourself into a better place and start to detach from the relationship. This also means you're in a better place to be in a relationship if you manage to reconcile. You can work on your issues and improve yourself. And if you don't reconcile, then you're still in a better place to actually move on from the relationship, if that's what it comes down to.

[nova]

Had kind of a roller coaster few days. Thursday I had a good evening hanging out with the neighbors. Then Friday I woke up feeling miserable physically. I don't know if I caught a bug or if all the stress I've been feeling lately finally caught up with me, but I felt rotten. Called out of work for the first time in forever. W went to Massachusetts this weekend for a reunion, and I was feeling kinda bummed about that since I was supposed to go too, and being stuck in the house feeling bad didn't help.

Felt better yesterday and went out to do some errands, the came back, did some cooking, and watched the Lego Movie. It was pretty much exactly what I needed to cheer me up from Friday.

Then my family came down today and we had a good time. I made homemade pulled pork bbq and potato salad. So all in all finishing the weekend on a good note. I just had to keep myself occupied and not think about the W and the reunion, and focus on having a good time.

[Bob1967]

Nova, this will probably seem like a pretty stupid question but why don't you just ask your wife how she feels about the job?

The worst thing she can say is "Take the job our marriage is over." If she does this you aren't any worse off than you are now.

But she might shrug and say, "I don't care. It's your life.

I think "Take the job our marriage is over" is an entirely different statement then "I don't care. It's your life."

Once sentence has a lot of power and conviction behind it. The other is pretty wishy-washy.

I don't know. What do the vets think?

[nova]

Thanks for your thoughts Bob. Tbh, my W isn't what I'm hesitant about with the new position. She's already left, so I'm already Db'ing at a distance. Don't get me wrong, a part of me does wonder what effect an even farther distance might have, but that's not my biggest concern. For me it's pulling up stakes and leaving a home and neighborhood that I love, moving farther from my family, and if I'm emotionally ready for another big change right now. I'll have to talk to the wife about it eventually, because how it plays out will determine the timeline of dealing with the house, but right now, what my W thinks is taking a far back burner, because I have to decide if I am ok with this.

[Bob1967]

Understand your feelings completely.

[nova]

Well, I just had a very interesting interaction with my W. I have been sitting two of our cats since last week while she was away at a family reunion this weekend. She came by to pick up the two cats today.

When she first got there we chatted a bit, about how the cats did over the weekend, work. I told W about my potential job opportunity and that due to that we would likely have to hold off discussions about what to do with the house until I made up my mind about whether to take this position and move. She seemed kinda surprised when I told her I was actually considering moving out of state, and said congrats on the offer of the new position.

Then we had to wrangle the cats and get them into their carriers. That's when the fun began. The cats HATE being put into cat carriers, especially the one. We got the easier one first and together got him into the carrier. Then we tried the second. W was holding the carrier and I was trying to get him in. As we were doing thing, he caught me on the palm with one of his claws and cut me open from my finger to my wrist. Finally got him in the carrier, and then I ran upstairs to get first aid supplies and W came up and helped me patch myself up. Luckily, it just took the top layer or so of skin, so I won't need stitches or anything. Once she had me all bandaged, she got the cats and left. Like I said, one of our more interesting interactions lately. And it was probably me hearing things, but I thought I heard her call me "babe" when my palm was cut open and bleeding. But I'm just going to chalk that up to either me hearing things, or her just picking back up on an old pet name in a time when the crap hit the fan, and not read into it.

I definitely know that I am not completely detached. It's great to see her, but every time she leaves, I feel terrible. She was wearing my favorite pair of her jeans today. I miss her a lot still. But I'm having more up days than down, and I can put on the "I'm ok" face a lot easier when she's here. But I'm not quite where I need to be yet, so I just need to keep working.

[HopeTex]

Yep. The good-looking jeans always ruins my detachment too. I think I need to steal and burn them.

[nova]

Went camping with some friends over the weekend and had a really good time. No worries, no technology. Went fishing, made a really big fire, and shot a shotgun for the first time. I even hit 1 of 6 clay birds, which I like to think isn't bad for a first timer.

W stopped in to check on my cat at the house while I was gone. Other than sending her a quick thank you text for that, no contact since she came to pick up the cats last Wednesday.

The one thing that I am currently struggling with is an idea that keeps creeping into my head. I really want to tell W how I feel about the way she left me. Not how I felt about her leaving, she knows how I feel about that, but the way she left. I know that I cannot force her to love me again, that is a decision and feeling that she has to come to on her own if it is to happen. But the way that she left, after I had been out of the country for eight weeks, her moving out secretly the last week I was gone, me having to come home to a cab ride and an empty house, her not willing to meet me in our own home to tell me she was leaving, her agreeing to marriage counselling before and then completely rejecting it, that was the most hurtful and disrespectful thing that I feel has ever happened to me. And to make it worse, I came from the last person that I would have expected to make me feel hurt and disrespected. I wouldn't beg and plead for her to come back, I wouldn't get angry, I would just explain how I felt.

On one hand, I feel like it would help me to get that off my chest, and it would be the mother of all 180's for me to actually discuss feelings that deep and that openly with her. But at the same time I don't want to start a fight, I don't want to put her on the defensive. I keep going back and forth, and it is something that I just can't seem to put out of my mind.

[nova]

Went to New Jersey today to talk to the guy about my possible transition at work. He made me feel a lot better about it, and there is a possibility that I wouldn't have to move, but rather do long distance commuting for 6-8 months to learn the ropes, and then apply the skills I learn at my home office for clients in this area.

Going to see the W tomorrow after work to drop off some mail and the tent that I borrowed for camping. First time going to her apartment since the first week after she left.