He has never been able to handle anything he perceives as "Criticism".
Any complaint, statement, or dissatisfaction he interprets as a major attack.
Once again, I conclude that we are married to the same man.
Sucky for both of us.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Maybe someone can move in downstairs, I mean, you did put in that full bath.... But for the life of me I can't think of anyone who needs a place to live with the added plus of knowing how to take care of things around here...do you?
Well, it must have slipped my mind, seems like there was a kernel of a good idea in there somewhere, but it's gone now. Darn."
Actually, I have, ahem.....seen it work a time or two.... Other people. FRIENDS of other people. And it was their kids parents cousin's step brother's accountant's babysitter, I think. Not me. You didn't think it was me, did you??
GGG not being able to handle criticism is part of their fragile personality. They do not have the flexibility and adaptability to to roll with the punches.
Now, it seems to me that there is a range of MLC from the relatively simple where they go through the stages, and come out the other side, to the complicated ones where they stay in MLC because they can't get out.
If your h wants to come out of MLC he will need encouragement, but it doesn't always work. That is the problem. We have to be brave and risk failure ourselves.
If you want him back (and that becomes increasingly problematic, believe me, however much we love them) then it is worth a good try and a lot of rejection along the way.
There are no formulas for this, simply things that can work, and other thins that actually don't.
Ultimately it is up to them - all we can do is try and help the process, and show them it might be possible.
The nice and nasty is the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hde that peple refer to. You never know which one is currently at home, and they can switch within a conversation, back and forth.
I would say your husband is very very conflicted, and his pride and fear are very big factors here. He needs to come back to rescue you, but there is always a risk he might resent the being needed. It is so hard to knwo, and very often they do not know themselves, at all.
I am somewhat with your husband in that I dont understand the importance of the OW being gone.
He is still very deep in crisis so that maybe a chapter of one cheeseless tunnel is complete but their are still millions more to try to go down.
IMHO you dont want him back while he is still in crisis, but that is just my opinion.
Get back to Letting Go and detaching, and trying to move forward with your life. His life is not going to make any sense while he is in MLC and tbh is a waste of your time.
This is the hard question, what do you want YOUR life to look like?
Cadet nailed this GGG. Good advice from Bea as well. You can only do what you can do. Your h has to deal with his stuff. And that is all on him.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
GG, Your h's empathy chip is broken and right now, it's all about him. You can't rely on him to be the man he once was. If you need help, then I would start looking for someone to help out around there. Maybe he is hoping you'll ask him to return home, but I wouldn't want him in the shape he's in right now. If you think you've got anxiety and stress now, it would be far worse w/him there 24/7.
It's going to take a while for your h to move through his crisis and there is nothing that is going to change that. If you find a way to "snatch" him back to reality, well...later on he will have another crisis to finish up the current one and it will be far worse.
Learn to save yourself first. You can't do anything about your relationship or him for the time being. I know you want him home and back into you life full time, but he's got to finish up his crisis first. You can't fix him...he has to do that.
Take care of yourself...that's the number one priority. Your body has been telling you it needs rest and changes in your life. Today is a new day, start your search for some help, even if it's part time, it's a step in the right direction.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yup to job ^^. Nothing to add except to be on guard for your stinkin' thinkin'. GUBU cannot handle any R-related talks...much less the XOW! He can only handle so much at one time.
Mine is far to sensitive and uses it in a way as a weapon of getting you to do his way. I think they need to just heal or not be so overly sensitive. That you cannot help him with, you can help by trying to be understanding etc but you cannot be something your not to make him happy. Truely
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Ggrass: Yes. Far too sensitive. The fact that he got so reactive when all I said was "Oh" when he told me OW was gone... maybe missed a beat, looked a little surprised... He says "What do you MEAN--"OH"???" Like I was a psycho for having any reaction to this. I'm human. She slept with my husband. (That's putting it nicely!) He saw her almost every day until she left. So-- I think "Oh." was a pretty friggin' cool response, considering!
And I agree, it's not my job to make him happy. I have enough on my plate keeping me happy. He has to figure out that it's not another person that will fix what's ailing him. --------------------------------
Wonka: "Stinkin' thinking' "---absolutely. Wait 'til you read my update!!! Thanks for being there when I needed you. Maybe that's why your Chocolate Factory is so popular! --------------------------------
job: His Empathy chip is definitely malfunctioning! As well as his Honesty Drive, Insight Meter, Maturity Gauge, Emotional Equalizer, Fidelity Plug In, ...the Logical Network is down for needed repairs until further notice, and the Mental Operating System is running very slowly indeed. He is also do for an upgrade: An Accessibility Program should be installed to facilitate the interface with approved users....
I am putting myself first, and making plans to get the help I need if he doesn't step up. If things don't get done, they don't get done. He knows I am no longer able. We shall see that happens next! -------------------------------------
Cadet/Georgiabelle: The departure of OW is significant because he knew that I've been waiting for this information. Whether or not HE believes it is relevant is not the point, although I get why he'd think that way. It's not important to HIM, therefore, not important. He knew it was very important to me to know she was gone, that it has been a source of pain. He had been updating me on how she's been looking for another position.
FYI: He worked with her every day, they had lots of freedom to fool around. During the A they used to hook up in empty rooms during work hours at least daily. So yeah, I wanted to know she was gone. And he could have just given me that bit of information, just to be nice. If he were normal... ---------------------------------------
Beatrice: Fragile is exactly it. He can't handle anything, really. He is a mess. I'm trying to manage my emotions, and I feel like I also have to handle his reactions. He needs to learn how to manage his OWN emotions, but meanwhile he's all over the map and dealing with him is like being in a prizefight: "Duck, dodge, right, left, uppercut---float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!"
I am trying to walk that fine line between encouragement, detachment, not pursuing, but being supportive and "safe". It's not easy. I don't want to be his therapist, but I always feel like I'm wearing my Therapist Hat. "Say this, not that, actively listen, validate, feedback.... "
Bea, thanks for your continued support! ----------------------------------
Shining: Well--you're very shiny! A real beacon. And you crack me up!
---------------------------------
You guys ROCK and I really think I'd be in the kooky house if it weren't for this board!
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Beatrice: Fragile is exactly it. He can't handle anything, really. He is a mess. I'm trying to manage my emotions, and I feel like I also have to handle his reactions. He needs to learn how to manage his OWN emotions, but meanwhile he's all over the map and dealing with him is like being in a prizefight: "Duck, dodge, right, left, uppercut---float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!"
I am trying to walk that fine line between encouragement, detachment, not pursuing, but being supportive and "safe". It's not easy. I don't want to be his therapist, but I always feel like I'm wearing my Therapist Hat. "Say this, not that, actively listen, validate, feedback.... "
---GGG
H is actively trying to throw the a in my face via third parties, yet me being active on settlement and walking away is childish?
Mmmm he keeps trying to bait me, yet hasn't noticed I've walked away.
They cannot see why they have done anything hurt full. Period. Busted completely busted.
Last edited by Ggrass; 08/20/1401:08 AM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
