barely holding on - 3

[u-turn]

New thread

link to first thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2474180#Post2474180

link to second thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2480410&page=1

First I'd like to thank everyone for their insight into my situation and the valuable tips (especially the veterans). I feel like I have made progress with myself and would still be floundering without this. I am making mistakes at times, but fewer. I'm not sure anything is happening with my W at this point, but I feel more human. I completely welcome all comments (no matter how harsh they seem at times). I need that sometimes.

At times I can almost step back and look at my situation and relationship from afar. This changes my attitude. My feelings have gone from panic, despair, and fear to indifference and sometimes anger. I haven't felt anger about this before probably because I was too focused on trying to fix this. But I can really see how I am being treated. I don't know what to do with this anger and I do not want my decisions and actions to be driven by anger.

This concerns me because I feel like I'm giving up and I do not want to do that. The vows that I took mean something so much to me, even if they are not all reciprocated at this point. I in no way want to give up on them and her, but know I cannot hold on to all of that forever.

I am still tempted to ask her how she feels, what she wants? what she sees as our future? or are we done? I know I cannot have these conversations right now, or any time soon (advice from Sandi,MrBond,LovetheHub and others).

I also go through times that I want to show her how much love I still have for her and how good things could be (I think this is a bad idea too). So I wait for her to come to me - if it will ever happen.

Thanks all!!

[u-turn]

[i]from dawgy:
I would definitely go to the cottage bro if she says OM is NOT going to be there . Its fine if she just wants to look good in front of her boss . She is proud of her family obviously , which includes you .This a positive thing the way I see it . You are doing a good job my friend . I know exactly where you are and how you are feeling about your sitch . Sometimes it helps me to look at my sitch and just laugh at it and say stop being so serious dude . We never really know whats around the corner for us . I feel your pain Turn but it is an exercise for you and I and countless others on learning to not need to control things or people . Because the feeling of needing to be in control is extremely hurtful when you dont have control. Let it go and relax , what will be will be no matter what you do or say . I dont know if this helps but It works for me quite a bit . I can tell you are a person who likes to have control and so am I and its one of the reasons we are hurting so bad . Stop trying to control and GAL > It really does help[/i]

I do feel at times that I need to stop taking things so seriously. Even though things are bad, I do not own anyone. she is not my property, and have to have my own life too.

I feel like the weekend could be a positive thing though.

Thanks

[dawgy]

Hey Turn I can tell you are hurting abit more than usual because your saying that you ve hit the anger stage . I get that , i hit me about a week ago but believe me its just another stage of dealling with your sitch . im betting in a few days you will be back too focusing on DB again . It happens , these different emotions will come and go dude . Dont despair , the love you have for her will prevail , remember sandis list " dont give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel " You are a fighter or you wouldnt be here . Ive accepted the fact that i will be sad , i will feel hopeless , i will be angry but those feelings will change like the wind . PMA is very important > your W needs to see this in you We can do this .

[CaliGuy]

U-Turn ... its a cycle on a rollercoaster that none of us bought a ticket nor asked to be on. Being angry is completely normal and its actually healthy. I too get to points where I feel utter despair ... then hope, anger, happiness and then revisit one or all these feelings again.

Only you can control what you want to do .... realize that things could be worse, without the advice and support here, the lessons DB has taught ... can you imagine what a wreck we would all find ourselves becoming? .... PMA man ... PMA ... head up and fake it .. we all have bad days.

[dawgy]

Good advice Caliguy . Fake it till you make it . Ive heard that a lot . A friend of mine told me this one " he who cares the least has the most power " that works well for me because if I want to gain power then I have to make myself care less which feels good .

[CaliGuy]

Good advice Caliguy . Fake it till you make it . Ive heard that a lot . A friend of mine told me this one " he who cares the least has the most power " that works well for me because if I want to gain power then I have to make myself care less which feels good .

Dawgy ... its brutal at times, but it does work, it actually makes them stop and focus on you just a little bit, making them wonder what is going on.... in a way giving you some of that power back and becoming mysterious and someone they now do not just disregard.

[Eatsma]

U-Turn...

Don't forget, this is a marathon, not a sprint. I know - you feel like you've been on this roller coaster long enough. I GET IT. I've been on it since November. It stinks. But then, MLC takes YEARS. Affairs typically take a long time to burn out, too.

What helps me sometimes when I'm feeling particularly down is to say, "I've made it this far. Why give up now?" Honestly - the detaching has helped tons, too. I think I don't look like a sure thing anymore. Who knows. Maybe I'm not. But for now I'm hanging in there and holding on to the marriage.

How about if you write her a letter about how you feel and then you burn the letter? That might be kind of cathartic?

[dawgy]

Mlp thanks for that . I gonna write that letter then burn it > U-Turn , i think you should too . Good advice for any of us Dawgy

[Eatsma]

Glad you like the idea! Seemed like a good one to me, too.

It's good to see you guys still around. I'm pretty busy these days, but trying to hang in there. Situation is basically unchanged, as far as I can tell. He told me he's going to be traveling a lot for work this fall, so yay.

Or not.

But whatever.

Still working on me.

[u-turn]

Thanks for all of the support today - I needed it.
Great idea to write the letter and burn it. Maybe I'll try that one.

I find myself faking it a lot these days.

I hope I have the patience to get through this marathon.
I've been forcing the PMA - I almost think that I am annoying most people around me (maybe too much PMA)

Thanks again - and hang in there!