I want to be clear that I am fully aware of her buying time tactic right now. I'm going to continue to draw up everything I would be seeking should we D. I *hope* that tonight she will respond to last night's email regarding the first steps, however if she does not, I will be prepared to proceed with D.
She already did respond to your email. What more do you want, Tar? Just more foot dragging on your part...it is how I see it here.
I am not where Tarheel is ..so my sitch differs a touch... as far as the D and all that. But I have put into place boundaries, I am DBing, GAL .. all that and told her before there was any chance at MC or R ... I would need full transparency plan that OM was out of the picture, with the NC letter that I would send via email/TM. I have been mislead about him twice now and even though she says its over (which may be the case and that's all fine and dandy) ... but I know before MC and R she needs to go to her IC and get herself together, and then she knows that I will need hard evidence that OM is officially gone if we are going to try and salvage the M.
FWIW I think Tarheel is doing the proper thing, seems he can see through the BS and and I get the hesitancy, but I do feel that after the deadline passed he does need to take action. If we don't set our own personal boundaries with conviction, we will be forever walked over.
I want to be clear that I am fully aware of her buying time tactic right now. I'm going to continue to draw up everything I would be seeking should we D. I *hope* that tonight she will respond to last night's email regarding the first steps, however if she does not, I will be prepared to proceed with D.
She already did respond to your email. What more do you want, Tar? Just more foot dragging on your part...it is how I see it here.
I wouldn't have an issue with Tar laying a "best and final offer" in front of his wife, that included:
1. Marriage counseling, with an MC who specializes in dealing with infidelity issues;
2. Wife sends a no-contact letter to OM, the content of which is to be approved by Tar, and he also delivers/mails it immediately after she signs it (so that nothing may be added or subtracted). (we can help you draft that, Tar);
3. FULL TRANSPARENCY plan put in place. Your wife changes her cellphone #, and the new #'s detailed billing comes to YOU. New email address. All emails and passwords, you get a copy of and you can access them at any time. She leaves her phone unlocked and available for you to look at any time you feel you need to. She shares her daily schedule with you, etc. And I would strongly recommend that YOU, Tar, have at least ONE method of intel in place that is UNKNOWN to her;
4. Anything else to add here? In my sitch, it was that my wife needed to quit her job (as a personal trainer at a gym), since that's where OM was and where they had partially conducted their affair. Only something MAJOR should be added here, as this is not meant to be some long impossible "laundry list" but rather a very short list of "dealbreakers."
And you let her know that if ANY of these are violated (especially contact with OM), you will file for divorce immediately.
Look, her FEELINGS are going to take awhile to come back -- 6 months to 2 years, I hate to say. But it is truly a DECISION as to whether or not she is willing to do the above and come back and work on the marriage with you. And there's no reason why that decision shouldn't take more than 24 hours. If her response to THAT is more equivocating, stalling, etc., I would have her served immediately and without notice.
She already did respond to your email. What more do you want, Tar? Just more foot dragging on your part...it is how I see it here.
I just keep giving her one last chance after one last chance, huh?
Yes, actions speak louder than words. Yes, she appears to be buying time. But the fact of the matter is that this is as close as she has come to giving me any indication that she's actually willing to put in work. In our phone call last week, I felt like we both spoke honestly and I felt positive about our discussion. Finding out PA obviously threw a wrench into things for me.
So I either disregard our phone conversation and her asking about MC and proceed with D, hoping that she'll snap out of it and protest profusely OR I see if she responds to my MC/no contact email before taking any action.
I think Starsky is spot on ... OM and full transparency plan is the only way its going to work. It *is tough* to say, but at the least she has to respect the No More BS attitude being laid down here. It makes it her choice, she can chose to do the right thing, or look at the consequences.
One question I do have in regards to full transparency- does this apply to her having access to my 'stuff' as well? I don't know that I've ever seen that addressed on here. I know that she was the one that had the A and that it's about rebuilding my trust in her, but does it come across as punishing if I have access to her email, etc, but she doesn't have access to mine? For what it's worth, I don't have an issue with being open with my phone/email. Just curious.
Starsky, I was typing while you posted, but wanted you to know that I am in FULL agreement and on board with everything you wrote.
OK, great. Let us know how it goes; we're here to help you!
Just be prepared, she WILL try to stall and "split the difference" with you, and grab the power back. She's learned how to do it, and she's learned that it's EFFECTIVE with you.
One question I do have in regards to full transparency- does this apply to her having access to my 'stuff' as well? I don't know that I've ever seen that addressed on here. I know that she was the one that had the A and that it's about rebuilding my trust in her, but does it come across as punishing if I have access to her email, etc, but she doesn't have access to mine? For what it's worth, I don't have an issue with being open with my phone/email. Just curious.
When I suggested to my wife that I would need "proof" she remarked something back to the same effect, I looked her straight in the eyes, unlocked my phone and handed it to her. Doing this showed I was serious, also proved at any given time ... even after almost a year of being separated I have nothing to hide. So in my opinion, I think its fair, if trust is the issue .. it does go both ways as far as I am concerned ... sure DBing is GAL and being mysterious ... but its not like I had 30 women TM me either, I choose activities that I can enjoy, ones I would not be ashamed to include her or my S in later.
One question I do have in regards to full transparency- does this apply to her having access to my 'stuff' as well? I don't know that I've ever seen that addressed on here. I know that she was the one that had the A and that it's about rebuilding my trust in her, but does it come across as punishing if I have access to her email, etc, but she doesn't have access to mine? For what it's worth, I don't have an issue with being open with my phone/email. Just curious.
I would share everything with her other than your legal moves, and maybe the support you get on here. Sure, no problem -- like what said above, "Here's my phone, dear -- I have nothing to hide."
PRIVACY in a marriage is good; SECRETS however, are not.
