Don’t know who called who but MIL was on phone. I was out in garden and W came out with phone saying MIL wants to talk to me. MIL told me that she is still trying to come to terms with this. She has told W to go back to me and work on the marriage.
My FIL did the same to no avail. Probably would be more effective once fissures begin to appear in the affair.
M 16 T 17 W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14 ILYBNIL 5/14 A discovered 6/14 D papers served via USPS 8/14 Filed my response 9/14 D final 5/15...
It's nice to have allies in her family (I wish I had that!), but try to make sure that your MIL isn't pressuring your wife to give up her affair and work on your marriage. It's just going to make her feel judged, and could cause her to further isolate herself from you and and her parent(s). You want as many roads back open as possible, and her family is one of those roads.
Her mother/parents can choose not to support her affair, or any relationship she may have with a woman, but it's important that that not also come with a side serving of not supporting her. She will need support at some point in time, and she won't feel like she can turn to your or your MIL if she's felt pressure from you guys (even pressure by proxy) while going through this.
"I love you, and I'm here for you no matter what" is the implicit parent-child contract. It's not "I'm here for your relationship I disapprove of". Likewise, "I disapprove of your relationship" isn't "I disapprove of you", but sometimes it really feels like it. Your MIL may need to express that to your wife explicitly at some point in order to keep that road home open.
Me: 31 W: 31 T: 10 years CL: 7 years IDLY: 01/13 Sep: 07/13 I Moved out: 10/13 W Currently seeing OM Pets, but No Children
When i'm out in the garden in GAL mode doing my own thing - she comes out to me to talk/ask/show me something;
She makes us both a nice lunch and we sit together - we'll not too close! - and talk and chat.
She's cooking evening meal - i offer to help and indeed do, (one of my 180's) we end up laughing and joking in the kitchen.
So what does this all mean?
It means she's still getting something from your relationship and doesn't want to blow it up/lose it. I consider it a good thing, it gives you something to work with... and some hope. It's certainly much better than her being mean and spewing, or GONE. It will make it easier for YOU to make it through this without giving up if you can maintain a friendly relationship, actually TALKING and DOING things together.
And you'll be that much closer when she does finally decide the M wasn't the problem.
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Brick wall is still there though. When she realises that we are having fun it's almost as if she conciously reminds herself to stop and the ice queen returns. No warmth, no eye contact and body language gives away that she's not getting too close - physically or emotionally.
Hmmm, sounds familiar! Been there, done that! Play your cards right and there's a good chance that eventually she'll warm up to you. Does "Be the H only a fool would leave" ring a bell? What were/are her complaints about you and the M? Have you done a 180 on these things?
Have you read DR? Very important right now is APPLY NO PRESSURE. That means from family too. Any pushing for recommitment will only strengthen W's resolve to run.
Understand that if this is MLC it can take years for her to work through. Doesn't mean that all that time will be terrible though. It will be whatever you make it to be.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I'd suggest that you mix things up a bit more by going out of the house by yourself and GAL. Even it if is to the local pub or some such event. Invite your daughters to local events that you would enjoy.
Not too long ago, a friend and I went to watch an African dance put on by the local university's multi-cultural department and I enjoyed it immensely! It was a cool learning experience for me and the students came from all kinds of ethnic backgrounds to participate in this dance performance. The professor is a world-renowned expert in African folklore music and he's put on shows on the world stage...including The Queen.
Wonderful experiences that broadens your horizons. Makes for a wonderful cocktail conversations or stories during family holidays.
Not posted for a couple of days now as tbh i've been feeling pretty low. Thank you all for your support and advice - I know what I need to do! - however, as you all know there are good days and, well not so good days ..
The lowest point though became the best point!
My youngest daughter saw me at one of my lowest moments yesterday with some tears and came to me and gave me a big hug and said "I love you Dad" - that just meant the world to me and then we talked. I've been concerned about her, she hasn't said a lot or indeed wanted to since 'the announcement'. I've so wanted to talk to her to find out what she was feeling but guess she wasn't ready and also she's been busy with her own life. She just simply can't understand what's going on with her Mum..
Just trying to be the best Dad I can be for both of them and so that we can support each other during this.
Jay
Ages: Me 58 Wife 50 Together: 27 years M25 D24 D21 Bomb Droppped 21 June 2014
Clearly this is a very difficult issue for everyone involved. I recommend speaking to a Divorce Busting Coach as soon as possible. Our coaches can help you clarify your thinking and come up with a plan to properly handle this delicate situation. Especially with your daughters. Please call me to discuss our program 303-444-7004.
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
Jay,, My best advice I've got for you, and it may be crap, is to rally with your girls and do everything you can to bond the three of you into a strong family unit. If your wife is done, you three will need each other a lot for the foreseeable future. If she's not done and just in the fog, maybe seeing you three being close and happy as a family, she'll realize what she's missing.
That's the best I've got.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Desperately need some encouragement as things aren't going well; perhaps it would be easier if it was another man!
Afraid that i let myself down sunday - i was doing so well out in the garden on my own. She came out to talk to me (again) and mentioned that she was going out a couple of nights this week and i made the mistake of just asking casually, before i had realised what i'd said, "oh ok where to"...as you would in a normal conversation - we'd been having some nice conversations recently; - but this of course is far from normal and i let my guard slip!
R talk ensued and I validated her as best i could - I said that " I see that now, I'm sorry if I hurt you and believe me I'd do things differently now". She talked about holidays on her own to meet with people she's been chattting to online. We talked about her moving out - financially a problem and the girls would be devastated, I tried to keep composed but it wasn't easy and i got tearful.
If as she says she's not interested in me or a relationship with me anymore why does she do this to me? Why press my buttons like that.
You're right Wonka this DB'ing is hard. MIL called me again on saturday morning to find out how i was. She says W is not going to change her mind! Her brother has been trying to contact her as well to talk to her, she's been putting him off. I'm afraid that all this pressure from the family will only push her further down this path. She's been expecting it though - it's almost as if she has an answer for everything - she's well prepared with a script from these women who are 'helping her'.
She is so immersed in this Lesbian scene, she hasn't come off the old website as she said she was; is still seeing OW, looks to me like she's on another/different site as well now. Watches Lesbian movies on the i pad - she has really jumped into the deep end.
I'm hurting..
Ages: Me 58 Wife 50 Together: 27 years M25 D24 D21 Bomb Droppped 21 June 2014
Keep going...you're doing great under very difficult circumstances.