The Amoeba Whisperer: "It's All Dog Training!"

[GoatGal]

Wait! It gets better!

I followed with this email.
(No, didn't consult my Oracles, just went with my gut!)


"Gubu,

Thanks for your concern. I am doing OK, but there is more to that story.


I do want to talk with you at some point about ways we can make this living situation healthier and safer for me and the kids.

It doesn't have to be today, but maybe think about how you could help with that.

And I do need to share some things with you.
(No worries, "Pavlovian Puppy", nothing awful, OK?

See ya later,

---GGG"


H: "Then we'll talk after the weekend... I have to prepare for my (work thingy) and funeral in the morning." (Who died? OW? Get me a tissue...)

" Why don't you spell out what you want...that will be easier for me to understand... since I'm not there."

(I think the "since I'M NOT THERE" might be telling...)

Hmmmmmmm.

What next, Wise DBers?



----GGG

[GoatGal]

Thanks Shining!

I feel a bit foolish, but that's the thing about anxiety.

It feeds off itself.

*Sigh*

---GGG

[Cadet]

Sorry, Cadet.

I am dense.

I'm not sure what you mean by this ^^^^.

It it that we BOTH have expectations?


---GGG

Well let me rephrase this if possible,

What was it that was getting you all uptight about talking to your husband?
Was it something you EXPECTED him to say?
I guess he didn't say what you expected and you worked yourself up basically for nothing.

You go back and re-read your last thread and a half and try to take a step back from it and see it as an outsider.

DETACHED.

You might see that you have lots of expectations and that leads to you spinning all around.

Then how does your husband view that?
He thinks that you are sick or not feeling well?

What are the parts of this is something that you can CONTROL and what parts can you not CONTROL?

That is what I see, from my point on the outside, looking in.

[GoatGal]

Thank you, Cadet.

I always value what you have to say.

I wish I were better at taking your advice, or even my own advice for that matter!

Sometimes it seems I am better suited to dishing it out...

I do struggle with getting bogged down in details, from what people say and the information I take in. It's very confusing in my head, so sometimes I do feel very dense and I frequently miss the simplest and most obvious explanation.

When I hear hoofbeats, I think Onagers!
-----------------------------

I actually do understand what you're saying. I didn't even have to read the whole thread and a half, (although I will), to get what you mean.

It's hard to internalize it though.

I have a lot of expectations. Not just for GUBU, but in general. For myself.
I'm not sure this is always the case, but I have been on an "expectational downslide" ever since opening up to GUBU more.

It was much easier to be detached when I had very limited contact with him.
I could harden my heart and tune him out.
Opening up just a little has left me feeling extremely vulnerable to being hurt.
---------------------------

Now that he is alternating being friendly and chatty with being weird and nasty, it's hard to know what I'm dealing with.

And yes, I "know" that I will never really know what I'm dealing with, so I should just stop spending any time thinking about him and what he's thinking/doing.

On the other hand, being able to assess how he is responding is necessary to continue DBing. I need to do more of what works.
It's really hard to know what's working, what's backfiring, what's cake-eating/friend-zoning, what's responsible/modeling, vs. being a doormat.


As I've said, the finer points of human interaction are often lost on me and I have to work very hard to "get it" sometimes.
______________________________

I see that the increased contact has lead to increased anxiety on my part.
Clearly I am not as detached as I thought I was.
(Deep down, I knew I wasn't, but I felt good about my detachment sometimes.)


And I do struggle with an over-active imagination. It is a blessing, but at times like these, it's a curse.

Catastrophizing and "What-IFing" all over the place.


So I will work on eliminating expectations, re-read my older threads as if somebody else wrote them, re-read DB and DR again... Every time I do, I get something new.
___________________________________

Spinning? Absolutely.

You're right. I am not helping myself at all and I need to take better care of myself; not let crazy thoughts take over.

I am aware of what I can and cannot control.
It's getting away from the emotional attachment to a certain outcome, even with that knowledge, that's a sticking point for me.
--------------------------------------------

As for what my H thinks, I have been behaving very differently the last few days because I have not been feeling well.
My appointment with my shrink Thursday forced me to start resting and just let things go.

I told H I just needed some space, was tired, a lot going on.... (anniversary of D-Day, didn't say that.) etc.
Usually on Fri-Sun I'd be out busting my back end doing chores and getting projects done and going out dancing.
Being quiet and resting was very unusual for me.
No doubt this made him curious.
I let him think whatever he wanted.

I admit it was passive-aggressive of me, but if he worried about me dropping dead on him, I thought. "GOOD!" I felt like dropping dead might be a good option at a few points there.
Better for everyone all around...

So I figured, let him think I'm sick.
Maybe he'll show some freaking compassion for someone for a change.
(EXPECTATION!!!!!!)

Really, I was just feeling sorry for myself and that's that.
------------------------

Thanks for your concern, Cadet.
You are a comfort to me--a voice of reason.

I'll keep on it. I promise.

---GGG

[GoatGal]

OK. Time to throw up! WARNING--LONG POST AHEAD.

I had a bizarre interaction with GUBU.
But Cadet, you were in my ear.
NO EXPECTATIONS!

ACT ONE:
SCENE ONE:
We agreed we'd talk a bit--he was very tense, petting a dog instead of looking at or speaking to me.

He asked what was up, I told him what my doc said, that it was unhealthy for me to live like this, worried about my weight loss, etc.
He agreed that it was too much for me, had concerns that I wasn't able to take care of things.

He validated me about not getting out of the house, being socially isolated, overloaded, no sleep. He gets it!

(I'm thinking YAY! HE GETS IT!!!)

I said: "We don't need to solve it today, but that maybe we could come up with some solutions and talk about it later."

I kept trying to steer it into "think about it and let's talk later" but he had other ideas.

He presses: "What do you want to do? What are you asking for?"
"I mean, I'm up here almost every day, helping out. What ELSE do you WANT?"
(Prickles starting up the back of my neck. OK, he thinks he's helping out a lot and being a really GREAT GUY! How could I ask for more???)

Me: "Well, I need more help, either from you or maybe hire somebody."

Him: "Not to be a chit, but maybe it's best that YOU move out and I"ll HIRE somebody.'
(Not mean, just cold.)

Me: "Well, that's an option, but the last time I was gone and you hired someone, they really weren't able to keep up with things. (A lot more is needed than just letting the dogs out mid-day. The place was a disaster when I returned, and he'd worked half days most of that time.)

Him: "Well, these dogs aren't going to have "this" (gestures around the place) forever."
"Eventually, their reality is going to have to change."

M: "Maybe so, but in the meantime, maybe there is a way we can improve the situation."

H: "Well, I can take care of this place better than you. I can do the livestock, etc."
(Of course, working 70 hours a week makes that difficult, but whatever.)


SCENE TWO: HERE IS WHERE I WENT OFF THE RAILS:
Me: "You do know that if I move away from here, I won't be involved on any level. I mean, I will be 'gone'. (Aiming for a "Truth Dart". No friends, no help, I'm OUTTA HERE!)

Him: Coldly "I figured that would be the case."

Me: Looking uncomfortably around: "Well, thanks for bringing the coffee, dog food. We don't have to discuss this any more now. I'll do as you asked and give you some suggestions."

Him: "I just don't think you can do this alone either. You can't keep doing this alone." (Words to that effect.)

Me: "I agree. But I'm not in a position to move right now, nor to leave my animals. So to me the only real options right now are you being available to help more, or me hiring outside help."

Then I changed the subject to my upcoming boat trip... we talked about that for awhile.
I was playing it as cool as possible.

---------------
ACT TWO:
SCENE ONE:

He comes in the house to bring in the bags of dog food. I have recovered most of my PMA (on the surface.)
We chit-chat nicely about the mortgage, his sick friend, how MUCH MONEY HE MAKES... how great he is at work.
How he might go visit sick friend, how great he is at work...

I asked him "if he was OK... if anything was up with him, (suggesting "medically").

He looks at me funny, says: "No... why?"

I said: "I dunno. Just a weird vibe... just wanted to make sure you're OK."
(Mystery appointments, strange stuff on insurance, hoping (brief expectation) that he'd mention he was in therapy... NOPE!!! He's perfect!)

Him: "No. I'm really doing FINE! I'm a bit stressed at work is all, been doing my bike rides."
(Doesn't look very comfortable as he says this though.)

Me: "That's great. It really is nice to know you're back in the saddle."

I am validating, not interrupting...

SCENE TWO:

Me: "Anything new at work?"

Him: "BLAH BLAH earful about how he's better at working with men, women are so difficult, how this person and that person tick him off, how he is being offered a job near where we live but he makes SO much money... he's so great... SHARK EYES--IT"S ALL ABOUT ME-----blah blah blah."

(I'm thinking, if I were on a date with this dude, I'd shoot myself. And yes, I am fishing to see if he will mention that OW is GONE... and he is not going there, definitely avoiding mentioning it.)

Then he makes a mistake.

He mentions flying in someone to interview for a "certain" department position.


I ask--(Dumb, I know, but I KNOW it's OW's job!!!)
"Oh really? Which department?" (It would be a normal question any other time.)

H: Looking at the wall mumbles: "XXX (OW's) Department."

And he sees my face.
I didn't say anything, I wasn't angry or tearful. But he saw it in my face.

I can't hide this stuff.

And I said, regrouping like a pro!
"Oh, so you are having luck finding someone to fill that slot? That's great." And then feel myself start to unravel....

And I say: 'Ok then, thanks for bringing the food. Would you excuse me?"
(Not teary, still softly, ready to beat it out of there.)

He says--exasperated: "Oh GOAT GAL! She left MONTHS ago.!"

Me: Softly, not angry or crying: "Months ago? I wish you had told me. I guess it was a hard thing to bring up, so I understand."

Him: Sort of nasty now: "Goat Gal, there is no REASON to have told you. There just isn't."

Me:"I can see why you would feel that way. But still it would have been nice to know."

H: "Well, it doesn't matter anymore" (or something like this, I was walking away at this point.)

SCENE THREE: Here's My Mistake:



Me: "Can I just say one thing?" (MY WORST COMMENT--A REAL TRIGGER FOR HIM!!!)

Him: Calmly, stops walking, still has his back to me. "Sure. What?"

Me: "Remember when you promised that if there was anything you could tell me that would help me feel more secure and less stressed, that you would just tell me.? Well, this would have been one of those things."

Him, not quite storming down the stairs, but clearly p*ssed off:
"Good NIGHT!"


And th-th-th-th-THAT's ALL, FOLKS!
---------------------------------------------------

On the positive side, I was listening and validating and DBing my butt off.
It wasn't perfect, but it was a far cry from how I would have reacted a few months ago.

It is so painful to see this man talk to me this way, for him to get angry when I SHOW ANY EMOTION that might point to him having done something wrong.

I mean, it was fleeting across my face. I looked uncomfortable, at most.

And it makes him ANGRY.
At ME. At least that's what it looks like.

I don't expect to hear from him in awhile.

He is really like a pod person.
He actually frightens me on some level.

He's really missing--what did Wonka call it? His "EMPATHY CHIP"?

It's really all about him and it sure seems as though he thinks we're DONE, just waiting to get those papers signed and get this baby over with. I am NOTHING TO HIM. Not by that conversation.
I just fulfill a purpose, and clearly I'm falling short on that one so I should just leave.

But then here he is, enjoying talking with me. (Talking AT me is more like it!)
He goes on and on and on---about HIMSELF!!!

I am merely an audience.

He is really angry at me now. Has been for a few days.
It's hard to see this hardness and cycling. It makes me hate him. It really does.

He is cold, and he is ugly on the inside. Not looking so hot on the outside either.
He is TOXIC.

Boo on him.

No. I don't want to be married to this freak. There is something seriously wrong with the man.
Everybody can see it but HIM.

But damn. HE DIDN'T MAKE ME CRY and HE DIDN'T MAKE ME LOSE MY COOL.


---GGG

PS: And if I were to put on my mind-reading cap, which I am NOT, I would surmise that he is upset with himself that he waited so long to tell me that OW was gone.
He knows I would have liked to have heard that and I think there was a point at which he wanted to tell me but couldn't find the words.

And the rest, the "Sure, I knew you'd be gone forever and it doesn't bother me one iota" stance--the last thing he will do admit he's made a mistake, that he has created this situation, that he wants to come home but wants ME to ask him to.

That he needs me, wants me, or fears losing me.
Better to say--"Sure. No problem. Go ahead!"

Damn. The man should have been a Divorce Buster!
I think he's angry because I AM NOT ASKING HIM TO COME BACK.

Clearly, that's a "solution" that I deliberately did not mention.
And he certainly noticed that.

Just sayin'

Mind reading cap---OFF!!!

[GoatGal]

Oh yeah. Duh.

I remember now.

He has never been able to handle anything he perceives as "Criticism".

Any complaint, statement, or dissatisfaction he interprets as a major attack.

That's why his reaction seemed OH so familiar!

He would react the same way if I asked him if he let the dogs out....

All out of proportion.

Recently, he is HYPER SENSITIVE to the same thing.

And there ya go!

Me being unhappy or disappointed is a DIRECT BLOW TO HIS EGO.


Pathetic case closed.

---GGG

[Shining]

Ok, I TOTALLY could have read this wrong because I'm not there, and I only have a tiny little outsider's snapshot of your world.... BUT.... And I mean BIG BUTTTTTTT.....

I interpreted this part quite differently than I think you did:

Him: "I just don't think you can do this alone either. You can't keep doing this alone." (Words to that effect.)

Is there any chance GUBU was waiting to be asked to come back and be the one to help?

He has never been able to handle anything he perceives as "Criticism".

Any complaint, statement, or dissatisfaction he interprets as a major attack.

That's why his reaction seemed OH so familiar!

Is there any chance he could be a big bully who is really afraid of being rejected? Hence the inability to ASK TO COME BACK AND RISK REJECTION, or take criticism? These are some of the VERY COPING SKILLS THEY LACK that sent them into this MLC mess, right?


So, he won't ask because of the fear of rejection. He hints. But not very well, and old patterns and old assumptions cloud the simple words the way I read them without knowing either of you.

I'm probably way off.... But if he DID want to come back and be the one to help, what would that look like? How would he let you know? He didn't let you know OW was gone....right?


And OW.... MY GUESS, he didn't want to tell you because he would rather never talk about that again. To him, it wasn't a positive to tell you she's gone, because that would mean talking about THE VERY THING he doesn't want to bring up. Especially to you.

(Insert shame, guilt, insecurity, regret).

Being in MLC, and incapable of truly thinking about the LBS, he didn't tell you because HE couldn't face it. I doubt the thought of making you feel better (or worse for that matter) even crossed his mind. Because he isn't wired to do that now. He just can't.

I'm guessing that your tiny little body being worked to the bone is something of a drastic change because even he can't ignore that.

[GoatGal]

(((((SHINING)))))

I'm so glad you're here!!!

I think you hit it right on the head.

Yes. I think he wants ME to ask HIM to come home. Pride, fear of rejection. You got it.

I just remembered something else I said before he went into the
"I assumed you'd be gone forever, not a problem, we'll be GREAT without you!" zone.

I'd said:

"I didn't mention being overwhelmed before this because it's not for you to fix anymore.
I mean, you are no longer that person for me..."
Wow. I just realized that's what I'd said.

This was Me, thinking I'm taking the pressure off, where what I really did was REJECT ANY BID HE MADE TO TAKE CARE OF ME!
I shot him down before he even got started.

I agree, he feels guilt and inadequacy because he is unable to do what it takes to make this better.
Because he DOES see what I'm going through, and he does care.

Deep down, under all that mask of stone, I think that's the truth of it.

I think it was Cadet, among other vets, who said, that THEY ARE REALLY ANGRY AT THEMSELVES, NOT WITH US.


Thanks, Shining.

A most excellent response!


---GGG

[Shining]

You're welcome.

If PRIDE is a big currency for him, maybe in order to get to where you both want to be, try to keep him from feeling as though he's begging, and praise him when things are his idea?

If you're REALLY good, he can even think things WERE his idea, when in actuality they were not

(Yeah, let ME tell YOU about dog training....LMAO).

You got this, GGG.

[GoatGal]

Yeah! You mean like:

"OK, GUBU, here's that list of possible solutions.

Gee... Is there ANYTHING you think I MISSED?

Hmmm....seems like there should be another option...
Maybe someone can move in downstairs, I mean, you did put in that full bath.... But for the life of me I can't think of anyone who needs a place to live with the added plus of knowing how to take care of things around here...do you?

Well, it must have slipped my mind, seems like there was a kernel of a good idea in there somewhere, but it's gone now. Darn."




Shining, I'm sure you'd be an awesome dog trainer.
Dogs today, slimy Amoebas tomorrow!!!!


---------GGG