WAH - chapter 3

[LisaB]

Hi DB friends, my previous thread got filled up with my babbling so I'll start another. Old one here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2480283&page=1

Crap day today. Had a bad sleep with heavy dreams about WAH, imaginary OWs, and just horrible dreams all around. Yuck.

After several days of contacting me all the time, WAH is being more distant today. Unfortunately the timing is bad as I needed his help (that he offered) with something urgent so I needed to contact him and for him to respond quickly. So unfortunately I had to email, text and also call him. I tried to do it in the most relaxed way possible, without being needy or clingy but repeated contact is not what has been working for me. And yep, indeed I feel it didn't really work for me today.

I felt my position of power slip. He's been reading my messages and not replying, while just yesterday that was my role! I can't tell if he is doing it to punish me for ignoring him or because he is busy or for another reason. It doesn't really matter I guess.

Well, I got the help I needed from him so now I can again go back to NC. This DB game is such a roller coaster!

It's funny also to read my own words above! I just made the situation sound so dramatic. Like yesterday he was in love with me and today not. The reality is that yesterday he was calling, texting and asking lots of questions, and then today he didn't reply to my messages immediately. It's not like the world ended but my non-detached self just makes a big deal out of every little thing that happens.

Once again I need to calm down. I'm just under a lot of stress right now with other things and I think I am not rolling with the punches as well as usual.

Hope all my DB buddies are having a good day!
Hugs, LisaB

[pilot]

I felt my position of power slip

You hold the position of power as long as you dictate. The fact that you had to chase him down via phone, text, and email does not diminish that. You were following up on help he offered. Now if you were BEGGING for help he did not offer, then that is a different story. But since you are able to withdraw after you got the help, power restored.

So yea, calm down, take a breath, and remember it could always be a lot worse.

[Maybell]

Not much to add but I'm with you.

[LisaB]

Thanks pilot and Maybell.

Yes, I have to feel the power. I know it is in me and has nothing to do with what he does or says or thinks anyway.

Sorry I am in a rambling mood...

A few days ago he said he wanted something that was at my house, and that he had some items for me as well. Due to his weird communication I thought he was using this as an excuse to meet up. Luckily I figured it out before I got dressed up for a hot date! Turns out it wasn't about seeing me, it was just about the item - or perhaps the item was an excuse to communicate.

He has no idea that I misunderstood since I realized my mistake and was able to clarify without him knowing. Wow that could have been embarrassing.

Now I have a feeling he won't show up to pick it up at all, as it seems it was more about just staying in contact than the item itself. I won't be at home either way as I already have plans so it doesn't matter.

This WAS behavior is so unpredictable. Add my moody crap in there too and you have a big mess. One minute I don't want him back, the next minute I'm crying over him, the next trying to flirt with another guy... I guess I can only console myself by realizing he is probably having similar crazy swings. That would explain his unpredictable communication and behaviors.

Thinking about all this brought up more questions about what I want, what are my goals, and how I can best reach them. And my constant questioning of how friendly and in contact to be. The little bit of friendly texting is good, I feel it builds a connection and allows me to show off some 180s and GALs. But then does it also alleviate his curiosity and desire to see me in person if he can get a little dose each day? I honestly can't tell. I guess I have to keep alternating NC and friendly in a random way and see what happens.

He has been offering me help with some things I am dealing with. The help he is offering means we will have to communicate and see each other sometimes. At this point we have very little reason to communicate and see each other, and yet we still do. Taking his offer of help means a chance to remain connected in some way for a little while. However it also means I will NEED to communicate with him, probably not very often but maybe once a week or so. I can't decide if that is a good thing or bad thing. Is it better to have all ties cut so that we only stay in touch if he really wants to contact me?

Thanks for listening my friends.
Hugs, Lisa

[pilot]

Is it better to have all ties cut so that we only stay in touch if he really wants to contact me?

What is your goal? What do you think would be better? Him getting a weekly dose of you, or him going without you and starting to miss you? The offers of help could be nothing more than attempts at keeping you close...at arms length. I am not saying cut him off and go full NC. Just giving you something to think about...

I guess I can only console myself by realizing he is probably having similar crazy swings. That would explain his unpredictable communication and behaviors.

I doubt it. Men by their very nature do not have mood swings like women do. We have long drawn out moods. We do not go hot and cold in the matter of half a second. His unpredictable behavior is only that because you are trying to predict it. Quit worrying about what he is doing. Work on being that hot kick ass woman that guys swoon over. All the analyzing in the world is not going to derive a strategy to bring him back. GAL and being a woman he would be a fool to leave, well, that gives you the best shot. He has to see something he wants, not be told about it, and not have it crammed in his face. Believe me, he will be watching what you are doing, even if you do not think he is. Right now he has you, at least in his mind, where he can still reel you in should you start to stray too far. Drop the rope. Make him think you really have moved on, and act as if. Then see what he does.

Good luck!

[LisaB]

Thanks pilot! Once again this is what I needed to hear!

[Jacket]

Thinking about all this brought up more questions about what I want, what are my goals, and how I can best reach them. And my constant questioning of how friendly and in contact to be. The little bit of friendly texting is good, I feel it builds a connection and allows me to show off some 180s and GALs. But then does it also alleviate his curiosity and desire to see me in person if he can get a little dose each day? I honestly can't tell. I guess I have to keep alternating NC and friendly in a random way and see what happens.

He has been offering me help with some things I am dealing with. The help he is offering means we will have to communicate and see each other sometimes. At this point we have very little reason to communicate and see each other, and yet we still do. Taking his offer of help means a chance to remain connected in some way for a little while. However it also means I will NEED to communicate with him, probably not very often but maybe once a week or so. I can't decide if that is a good thing or bad thing. Is it better to have all ties cut so that we only stay in touch if he really wants to contact me?

Wow, it's like you took the words right out of my mouth. I was struggling with this for awhile too, and finally decided to just go full NC, which my friends have been urging me to do (friends who understand and are supportive of my ultimate desire to R). My DB coach also recommended this. Before I went full NC (going on Day 8 now), I was just like you, wondering whether I should continue with the little bit of contact so he could see that I'm GAL and doing some 180s or whether I needed to just stop completely. I don't remember your whole sitch (I know I've read it but I've read so many that sometimes they get confused in my head!), but I've found that the NC has really helped ME to detach and to not go through the crazy mood swings anymore. Although I mostly kept those hidden from my H, it was starting to really take a toll on me and my own mental health.

For me, I felt like my H was really wavering at first and my DB coach was hopeful that maybe we could save things before we truly had to separate. However, I'm realizing that H really needs to go on this journey on his own, and he's never truly going to be able to unless I completely let him out of the cage and be free. So I'm doing just that. I hope that wonder if one day he will awaken from this fog that seems to have taken over his brain, and realize how great we could be together. If not, though, I will always be truly grateful for all I have learned throughout this journey about myself and what I really want. It might not turn out how I had expected or originally wanted, but I know that I'll be OK. And you will be, too. We all will be.

[LisaB]

Hi Jacket! Thanks so much for your support and telling me about your NC experience. I did check out your story the other day and it sounds like you have been dealing with some confusing stuff.

I'm curious, when you went full NC has your H kept trying to contact you? That's what I struggle with. I can pretty much ignore him when he doesn't reach out to me, but when he does contact me I just feel so weird, rude and wrong not responding at all. I guess if I don't reply he will eventually 'get the picture' that I don't want to talk to him. How have you been handling that? I'll pop over to your thread to see if you already answered this.

Thanks again pilot, I've realized that I keep getting this same advice, especially from guys. Like I said above, I just struggle with implementing it.

As I said before, he contacts me at least every other day with some comment or question or made up reason. So do I do NO CONTACT meaning no reply to him ever unless it is absolutely necessary for logistics?

Hugs, LisaB

[pilot]

As I said before, he contacts me at least every other day with some comment or question or made up reason. So do I do NO CONTACT meaning no reply to him ever unless it is absolutely necessary for logistics?

As long as you stay in contact and answer his beck and call, he will not think he is losing you. When you stop altogether, save for logistics/kids/vital things, he begins to worry what is going on. Remember, DB is counter intuitive. But the key is NC should be easy because you are GAL. You do not have time for his nonsense. He is that nosey neighbor you are cordial with, but would rather keep walking to the front door and escape inside from.

[LisaB]

Thanks pilot. He already messaged me today but I am on the NC bandwagon now! Luckily I am going out of town later this week so that can be an "excuse" for not replying and then maybe I can just continue from there.

I totally get that he needs to feel that I have moved on. I just can't grasp being impolite. ha! At least I can do a week. I'll start with that.

Thanks very much pilot. I know I'll be back whining about this again soon, so apologies in advance!