More confused than ever

[T384]

Previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...975#Post2479975

I still owe a long post about our night.

We still have been very open talking about eveything. I still stand by that I cannot make any promises. I almost feel like him 6 months ago. I'm so wary of him and his changes. He had flowers delivered to my work yesterday. He had everything for school packed ready and outfits picked out yesterday while I was at work. He showed up this morning bright and early and we took the boys to school together. He also forwarded me his communication with his lawyer saying he is no longer pursuing divorce

Is this all really happening? He told me to pick a counselor. He wants to go alone and together. He is currently at a job interview and will be quitting if this goes well

I just can't feel I can commit. I don't know if my heart is all there yet. I'm scared. I don't know if I can feel the way I did feel about him. The guy from work has really been pursuing me and I feel this distracts me
As well.

[woundedfool]

I still owe a long post about our night.

Yes you do... We have been on pins and needles waiting to hear something

We still have been very open talking about eveything. I still stand by that I cannot make any promises. I almost feel like him 6 months ago. I'm so wary of him and his changes. He had flowers delivered to my work yesterday. He had everything for school packed ready and outfits picked out yesterday while I was at work. He showed up this morning bright and early and we took the boys to school together. He also forwarded me his communication with his lawyer saying he is no longer pursuing divorce

I ABSOLUTELY can see why you feel that way. You are especially correct that your roles have reversed (he feels like you did 6 months ago). I know that you would have sold your soul to have him back... now you wouldn't. But now HE is willing to sell his soul to have you back.

Another positive, you are tired from doing the heavy lifting for the last 6 months. You now have someone else to help carry the water.

Is this all really happening? He told me to pick a counselor. He wants to go alone and together.

Very good. But if I may be so bold to suggest, YOU select 3 counselors. Make sure they practice SBT and are pro marriage. Let him pick from the 3? (Just a thought).

He is currently at a job interview and will be quitting if this goes well

Good. If any blowback from quitting the Mansion family job: As always IANAL.... but he might have a reasonable shot at a harassment claim

I just can't feel I can commit. I don't know if my heart is all there yet. I'm scared. I don't know if I can feel the way I did feel about him.

You can't feel the way you did before. But ALL relationships evolve. It is natural you will have trust issues. Take the time to work on them WITH him. Remember how we said repair can take 1 month for every year you have been married? Guess what... that mean HE will have to repair his R with you starting today.

The guy from work has really been pursuing me and I feel this distracts meAs well.

IMhO, this is NOT good. Because it is a distraction (and frankly a temptation). If it was me, I would end it in no uncertain terms. (no need to burn a bridge, but be honest about your situation).

[woundedfool]

Oh also.... Homework Check:

Have you started to re-read DB & DR?

If not..... you might get detention. As I said in the last thread: Remember, you are reading it for the first time because you will read it from a new perspective.

If so, I want you to pay particular attention to Divorce Remedy Part 2 Step Number 4 Ask for What You Want

I don't want you to end up like a dog who chases after a car.... and once he gets it, has no idea what to do with it.

You have chased the car, and have it.... now you need to know what to do with it.

[woundedfool]

(sorry to keep doing separate posts, phone keeps ringing).

Out of curiosity....

How did the flowers make you feel?

How did the having the kids ready make you feel?

How does it feel his connection to the kids working out (I realize you are only a couple of days into it)?

[JCred]

Wow.. Quite the change in things huh?

I'm so wary of him and his changes. He had flowers delivered to my work yesterday. He had everything for school packed ready and outfits picked out yesterday while I was at work. He showed up this morning bright and early and we took the boys to school together. He also forwarded me his communication with his lawyer saying he is no longer pursuing divorce.

I'm glad you are wary. I would be too. It sounds like he is in a little bit of a panic mode because of your change in demeanor. This is usually what happens when the woman lets go and the man senses it in his gut.

I just can't feel I can commit. I don't know if my heart is all there yet.

Good for you. You have a good head on your shoulders.
Be wise.
This is good for HIM that you are holding back. Look how good it's working... I am glad that it is naturally happening this way. You need to see more changes in him than some flowers at work and finally getting involved with the boys for a couple of days. Jeez..



Great job...... I have confidence that you will sort things out. You did a masterful job in the last few weeks that helped turn this around. Cool, confident,decisive, mysterious... I still wouldn't show all my cards. I would let him know that you really aren't sure how you feel right now. Maybe even tell him that you think he should go to counseling on his own first before you commit to it as a couple.

Relax, enjoy, one day at a time.....
AND remember... Always be nice....

[T384]

Okay wounded - I hope I catch all responses I need to give you

As for the flowers - I can't describe how it made me feel. Strange? Kind of odd considering OM had brought me lunch so I felt in a weird place. I really like that H is stepping up to the plate to be a full time dad like he was. And yes I know Om is a distraction and every time I say I'm going to separate myself I can't. I'm sure it's the attention but I'm not sure I'm ready to give up our friendship for H just yet until I know H is serious. I have been very honest with H that we had been to dinner a couple times and do talk but nothing physical or anything. H told me he deserves that. He deserves for me to be with someone else and I deserve to be happy after everything he has done to me.


I also received a call from my L. My H's L sent out a request to file for reconciliation. I declined the request. We have decided to do a 6 month abatement which H has agreed to. He would agree to just about anything at this point. It is crazy to me to think he's ready to seriously cancel this divorce. He doesn't want to come home he wants to take things slow so I know he's here for the right reasons

[T384]

Also H asked me to come to the job interview with him to talk with the owner (it is someone we both know) I declined. I told H this is his battle and I trust he can make a decision. I will be there to support him and give him my opinion but ultimately it is up to him to do what he thinks is best. He respected my decision and called me on the way home to go over everything. He asked the boys and I to dinner tonjght but I declined because I have plans

[woundedfool]

And yes I know Om is a distraction and every time I say I'm going to separate myself I can't. I'm sure it's the attention but I'm not sure I'm ready to give up our friendship for H just yet until I know H is serious. I have been very honest with H that we had been to dinner a couple times and do talk but nothing physical or anything. H told me he deserves that. He deserves for me to be with someone else and I deserve to be happy after everything he has done to me.

It would be reasonable to have a friendship with the guy, but I think you are playing with fire. If he is really your friend he will understand, you should say in no uncertain terms that for now and the foreseeable future your friendship can and will only be platonic (or only "lunch buddies"). I would caution confiding "marital issues", divorce issues, et al with him, as that is borderline EA.

To be brutally honest.... in this process you have found that you have lots of friends and family. I say there is zero need to add another to the pile. Especially considering one that has the potential to create such a distraction.

Plus ask yourself, will the new friendship bring you closer or further to a reconciliation?

I also received a call from my L. My H's L sent out a request to file for reconciliation. I declined the request. We have decided to do a 6 month abatement which H has agreed to. He would agree to just about anything at this point.

Make sure you get the cars back as well as the remainder of the inheritance

Plus, for the foreseeable future your finances/taxes/etc. should be 100% separate.

It is crazy to me to think he's ready to seriously cancel this divorce.

Why? As quick as that fog set in.... it has started to fade away.

He doesn't want to come home he wants to take things slow so I know he's here for the right reasons

Sounds reasonable.

Also H asked me to come to the job interview with him to talk with the owner (it is someone we both know) I declined. I told H this is his battle and I trust he can make a decision. I will be there to support him and give him my opinion but ultimately it is up to him to do what he thinks is best. He respected my decision and called me on the way home to go over everything. He asked the boys and I to dinner tonjght but I declined because I have plans

I think you handled this well, but I would add/reenforce: you do regret the pressure/nagging you previously given him about his career. As it is feeling like he is engaging you for approval because of the issues that came with the last job (previous to the D).

[T384]

Yes I don't want to nag about his job so I really feel I did a 180 on his job topic.

The vehicles are being returned and the money he is returning what he has left of it back. We will see.

He has reached out to a lot of our mutual friends, my friends, and my family. All to apologize to everyone for what an embarassment and [censored] he has been. He said he is going to take whatever beating he has to to make amends and make everything right

I do have to give him credit. It takes a man to own up to what he's done and take responsibility for what he's done. He told me everything that's bad that happens to him he deserves

[woundedfool]

He has reached out to a lot of our mutual friends, my friends, and my family. All to apologize to everyone for what an embarassment and [censored] he has been. He said he is going to take whatever beating he has to to make amends and make everything right

I do have to give him credit. It takes a man to own up to what he's done and take responsibility for what he's done. He told me everything that's bad that happens to him he deserves

I think that is very good. He is doing his best to make amends and take his lumps. The tough part now is for you to work on forgiving him and begin to rebuild on forgiving each other.

How is your homework coming along?

[T384]

I'm bad on my homework! I have been going out and staying busy.

I went out with my BFF last night and H came over to watch the boys so I could go out. I ended up texting him after the boys were sleeping and invited him to come meet us so he did. He just wanted to apologize to my friend and we all ended up having a great time. H asked to come inside after he followed me home. I ended up falling asleep and H let himself out at some point because we both agree we don't want to confuse the boys.

[woundedfool]

Good you are hanging out and staying busy.

But, I don't want you to rest or fall into a comfort zone in rebuilding your M, especially when his enthusiasm is so high. You need to be careful you don't just dive back into the old M.

Essentially nothing has changed in your R in the last 6 months. Except, you now have someone to fight for it with you.

[T384]

Right

He really is pushing for counseling. He still knows I'm on the fence but I agreed to counseling. I just signed the abatement papers for the divorce. I agreed to 6 months and then we will revisit the divorce and see where we are. He asked for reconciliation and to throw out the divorce. My compromise was the abatement

[Train]

I just signed the abatement papers for the divorce. I agreed to 6 months and then we will revisit the divorce and see where we are

Very wise.

[woundedfool]

He really is pushing for counseling. He still knows I'm on the fence but I agreed to counseling.

Just my perception, you don't seem too keen on counseling. Or am I reading you wrong?

[T384]

No I will go to counseling he just wants me to pick the counselor and make the appointment. I would rather him find one.

[woundedfool]

No I will go to counseling he just wants me to pick the counselor and make the appointment. I would rather him find one.

Any thoughts on my idea of you selecting 3, and then letting him pick from there.

Or... try a few find out who you are more comfortable with.

Or... remember telling me about the counselor at your hospital? How about them?

I think you picking the counselor gives the situation a bit of an edge, as you know what you are looking for (SBT/Pro-marriage/etc.) and you are already 6 months ahead of him in your "divorce recovery".

[T384]

I actually told H about the counselor I really liked at my work. He said he would see him. The only thing is is that it's pretty far. About 120 miles round trip and he only works 9-5

[woundedfool]

Ask the counselor at work if they have any recommendations locally.

My gut says he will have a networked suggestion or two

[woundedfool]

TO? How you holdin' up?

[Train]

Was just checking in here, too. What's happenin' over there, sista?

[T384]

Hey guys! Sorry I worked the last 7 days straight so I have been in zombie mode! We are setting up counseling probably for next week it's just tough with my work schedule. H has been looking around for counselor and has sent me a few and suggested we pick together. So I'm okay with that. I have been seeing him a couple nights after work. He brought me dinner the last 2 nights and hung out. I get home after the boys are sleeping so they don't know he is here. I don't want to confuse them or send them mixed signals. I have my mud volleyball challenge on Saturday with all the docs from work. OM is coming obviously. H asked if he could come and I just said I didn't think it was a good idea because I haven't really said anything to anyone at work and I'm just not ready to deal with it until I know what I want and where we are. He said that he agreed and understood and didn't want to make it uncomfortable for me. I have been seeing OM a lot at work which is unusual. We still do talk/text but haven't hung out since H and I went to dinner. I am not sure how to deal with that situation. I know I have feelings for him but I can't bring myself to completely cut him off even if there hasn't been anything physical or intimate between us I just genuinely like him and enjoy talking to him. It has become a regular part of my day so I am struggling. He gave me a lot that H took away from me. He showed me that other men can be interested in me and that I could be happy without H. I know I'm going to get 2x4s but you guys can't help me until you completely understand how I am feeling.


So as far as my long overdue update from Saturdays dinner I summarized as best as I could....

Okay well sorry this is long overdue but here we go. I'm sure I will get some 2x4's but as most of you know with the exception of H and I having a conversation a few weeks ago we really never talked about anything other than he was unhappy and it was over

So I got out of work early and agreed to meet H. If you guys remmeber he asked because he wanted to try and figure stuff out together before the lawyers. So I said, 'sure H I will meet you to discuss legal stuff but I just want to be upfront I can't agree to anything without my lawyers advice'. So he insisted on coming over and us driving together so we did. I was busy on the phone - paying a couple bills and texting. We get to dinner order some appetizers and had a couple drinks. Afte about 20 minutes he says. I really wanted to invite you to tell you how sorry I am. I said okay. He said I just want you to know I know how much I've [censored] up. I stayed quiet. He proceeded. I have made so many mistakes and I can't believe all of the things I've done to you and our family. I still remained quiet. He said do you think there's any chance we can figure things out together. I played dumb and said yes that's why I said we would meet let's see if we can compromise. He said no I mean us. I want you back. I want to prove to you I am the man you married and that. I will do anything for you and to make this right

He went on about how much he hurt me and that he and her did start talking before he left but nothing happened until after. He said they did talk Inappropriately and that she told him he deserved way better and that he fell for her [censored]. He said she is the biggest mistake In his life. He said he has been feeling regret since basketball started. He said he made his mind up back in July when he was in the keys with her and her family and he has been struggling with anger and couldn't see how he felt or figure it out til he got his own apartment.

I ended up having some tears at dinner saying you have broke me into a million pieces. I said I've been waiting so long to hear this and these last few weeks I really feel like I can finally see my life without it being revolved around you. I don't need you to make me happy. He said he knows and he deserves for me to never take him back and that I deserve to be happy

We ended up walking to the car. He grabbed me for a hug and whispered what do I have to do? I said H you know the first thing. He said quit my job? I said yes. Then he says well I'm doing really well there what if I just come to work and leave and don't talk to anyone. I said are you serious? I said are we really here again? I can't imagine you would think It would be okay to work for that family and run into the daughter all the time. I'm sorry but that's a non negotiable for me. I said I want to go please take me home.

He ended up tearing up in the car asking me over and over what I wanted. I just said I can't get into this right now I wasn't prepared for this conversation I would just like to go home and we can meet and talk about it another time. He kept pushing and I just sat there quiet. We stopped and I got out to pump gas and he called a friend that had been offering him a job for the last year. I got in the car and he goes it's done. I am going to X for a job interview first thing Monday. I stil stayed quiet and just said oh that's good.

He said I love you and I am willing to do anything to make this work. I am going to prove to you that I'm going to be the best husband and father and I will be there fighting for you for as long as it takes. He ended up coming inside the house with me and helping puf the boys to bed

Like I said about the flowers Sunday and then he met a few of my friends and I for drinks two nights ago.

[woundedfool]

Ok, settle in, this will be a long one:

Hey guys! Sorry I worked the last 7 days straight so I have been in zombie mode!

On the plus side, it should mean you have the next 4 off.

We are setting up counseling probably for next week it's just tough with my work schedule. H has been looking around for counselor and has sent me a few and suggested we pick together. So I'm okay with that.

I think thats good. But what are YOU looking for in a MC'er?

I have been seeing him a couple nights after work. He brought me dinner the last 2 nights and hung out. I get home after the boys are sleeping so they don't know he is here. I don't want to confuse them or send them mixed signals. I have my mud volleyball challenge on Saturday with all the docs from work. OM is coming obviously. H asked if he could come and I just said I didn't think it was a good idea because I haven't really said anything to anyone at work and I'm just not ready to deal with it until I know what I want and where we are. He said that he agreed and understood and didn't want to make it uncomfortable for me.

All very good, very reasonable.

I know I'm going to get 2x4s but you guys can't help me until you completely understand how I am feeling.

Yea you are, but I will be gentle.

OM is exactly like 19girl, in the sense that he jumped into something based on how it made him feel in the moment. It became the center of his focus, and a distraction to take the time to look at himself and really figure out what the issue is was.

You mention

He gave me a lot that H took away from me. He showed me that other men can be interested in me and that I could be happy without H.

You already know/known that... we told you But seriously, you are without a doubt still reeling from what your H did and handled things. You still need to do MAJOR healing. Is a good place to heal with someone you just met?

It doesn't mean you need to reconcile your M, it doesn't mean you even need to try (though I think you do), and it still doesn't mean your M will be repaired. Remember: NO EXPECTATIONS

And my advice has NOTHING to do with your H's recent turn.... I would be telling you NOT to start any new relationships that have the potential to move into something deeper.

I said H you know the first thing. He said quit my job? I said yes. Then he says well I'm doing really well there what if I just come to work and leave and don't talk to anyone. I said are you serious? I said are we really here again? I can't imagine you would think It would be okay to work for that family and run into the daughter all the time. I'm sorry but that's a non negotiable for me. I said I want to go please take me home.

I think you clearly stated a boundary, which is good. Now, just keep following up on it. If he doesn't quit, all the above advice is unnecessary.

He said I love you and I am willing to do anything to make this work. I am going to prove to you that I'm going to be the best husband and father and I will be there fighting for you for as long as it takes.

This is where I want you to be very careful, you are slowly starting to sound like a WAW. While I don't want this to sound like a positioning thing (and I GET IT, he hurt you... hurt bad).

But your in a position to get every single thing you wanted over the last 6 months. Here are some highlights:

I'm having such a hard time accepting this divorce when I don't understand why our family isn't worth fighting for. I feel so sad for our boys.

I am trying to figure out the best way to handle this for him to realize what he's doing and atleast try to work on this. However I am losing hope now that I know he has filed for divorce.

I am devastated. I have been fighting for 11 weeks today with it only getting worse and worse. Please help me

From the day he left I have told him how much I love him and am willing to compromise and fix this because I love him and I am sorry if I made him feel the way he says about me not appreciating him or not being good enough for me. But I can't fix anything if he doesn't give me a chance.

Don't let the girl who was fighting for her M (with the above quotes) get picked up by that alien ship that had your H.

[T384]

I wish I was off for 4! I am back tomorrow

In a marriage counselor I don't quite know exactly what I am hoping to accomplish entirely. I know my main issue is trusting that this won't happen again but nobody can tell me that I have to either jump in or not be willing to take that risk. I need someone to at least help me heal with the things he's done so that I am able to let go of the resentment and look at him differently than I look at I'm now. I am having a hard time trusting that he is genuine about everything. I really don't get how just almost 2 weeks ago he was trying to talk about her being a step mother etc to now this.

And while I completely understand everything you say I am working to actually do it. I have really cut down how much I am talking to OM and I know he is filling the void just like H filled her with. I guess I catch myself wondering is there better out there. Then I have to stop myself and think god I sound just like H.

And I hope he can give me everything that I've wanted over the last 6 months but is it real? Will it stick? Will I be here again years down the road? Nobody can answer those questions and I don't know that I can take that big of a risk of putting the boys through it again. I feel like I'm in protect mode and very guarded. I know counseling will help but ultimately nobody can predict the future.


And please don't take this as I am not grateful and happy that H has turned into my direction, I am. I really am. I am just super conflicted and do not want to travel down the same road making the same mistakes. I want this to be right if I can figure out a way to rebuild a new marriage.

It has only been since Saturday but between helping with the boys, grocery shopping, and picking up ALL the slack since I've worked all these days it really makes me see why I stuck it out saying he was a better man than this fake person he's been for 6 months.

I've always liked this quote and never thought H would be able to do this but here we are ...

Any man worth his salt will stick up for what he believes right, but it takes a slightly better man to acknowledge instantly and without reservation that he is in error

[woundedfool]

In a marriage counselor I don't quite know exactly what I am hoping to accomplish entirely.

While the MC will help with the healing. The main reason to go is to work on what to led you two to have the WAS moment in the first place.

If you don't deal with the old behaviors/issues (which you have not), anything from here on out will indeed accomplish little.

I know my main issue is trusting that this won't happen again but nobody can tell me that I have to either jump in or not be willing to take that risk. I need someone to at least help me heal with the things he's done so that I am able to let go of the resentment and look at him differently than I look at I'm now. I am having a hard time trusting that he is genuine about everything. I really don't get how just almost 2 weeks ago he was trying to talk about her being a step mother etc to now this.

Again, your trust issues, anger, resentment... all the bad feelings are JUSTIFIED. Just don't let them overcome you, or solidify the wall you have built up. Keep processing them, I still pray every day that my heart does not harden for anyone or anything.

I can tell you for sure, I will have trust issues in every relationship for the rest of my life. But I will NOT let them handicap my relationships.

I catch myself wondering is there better out there.

There is better out there, there is worse.

No one here will tell you to take him back unconditionally... and just to expect the last 6 months didn't happen. But you need to work on opening your heart and mind (fully) to giving it a shot.

You believed in giving it a full shot (ah hem.. without distractions) 2 weeks ago... could you find that girl for me?

I don't know that I can take that big of a risk of putting the boys through it again.

Ok, you played the card first... so I will go there:

Put the boys through what? 15 years of weekends with dad? A potential new 19girl? Separate birthday parties? Separate vacations? Worrying about telling the other parent what they did while they were with the other?

Divorce is tougher on them then attempting reconciliation.

6 month "hiccup" when they were young will be a great story/lesson in humility, forgiveness, patience, understanding and communication. (but I am not setting an expectation)

nobody can predict the future.

ummm.... yes we can, didn't we almost tell you line for line about how 19girl would work out?

And please don't take this as I am not grateful and happy that H has turned into my direction, I am. I really am. I am just super conflicted and do not want to travel down the same road making the same mistakes. I want this to be right if I can figure out a way to rebuild a new marriage.

This is why I think it is so important you complete the homework assignments I have given you. Instead of lunch with OM, I want you reading DB or DR tomorrow.

[sandi2]

Don't you think it is only fair to the male friend that you discontinue your friendly relationship until you can make a decision?

If anyone can understand how confused a person can get over their feelings.....it's me. You associate your H with the source that caused you and your children/family terrible pain. You associate the OM being a source that comforted you during your pain.

Like I said, I can understand your confusion. However, it concerns me that OM isn't being the gentleman who does the right thing and step aside b/c you are still a M woman. Maybe he sees it as "fighting" for you, but didn't you say you had only dates a couple of times? So please think about that point.

I also think your H is rushing things, even though he said he wanted to take things slowly. You have not had enough time to adjust to the idea that he wants to repair the M.

Whenever I see or read about a WAS who makes a complete turnabout so suddenly (as if they "snap" out of their fog), I always wonder what happened to cause it. Seriously, he and OW broke up and he was ready to pursue you about R before you were aware that anything had changed? Has he offered any details?

You may not be interested in hearing it from him, just yet. If it were "me", I would want to know what caused him to suddenly come to his senses.

It bothers me he thought he could still work for the same boss! He was "willing" to interview for another job, but gee, you'd think even a WAS would have enough sense to know he couldn't stay in that same job. Has he not recognize the kind of influence his boss played in all of this? Maybe he was just thinking of the money, IDK. And that's another issue in itself....how he kept the truth about how much he was really making from you. Well, I don't have to remind you, I'm just saying.....

Keep telling yourself that time is on your side. There are two guys who are bidding for your attention. Do not let that pressure you, and I know how it can. Believe it or not, I have been there (but it was before I was M). Don't rush yourself to decide. If your H has really changed, I think it will prove itself out. If you are over him and falling in love with this other guy....I think, in time, your heart will let you know. But right now, there's a very good chance the other guy is a "rebound". Rebounds can deceive us, so take your time and be careful.

[T384]

Thank you both

I'm sure OM is a rebound who is fun, no drama, no attachments and I am EXTREMELY physically attracted to

Sandi - you raise a great point. Why so suddenly did he change his tune. I have and continue to pose this question to H. He told me he has been thinking this since they went to the keys in the very beginning of June. He said he thought she was what he wanted but he could not see that she wasn't until she was out of his life. He said it took him getting his own place and getting away from that situation in it's entirety to realize what he was doing and had lost. He said he went from trying to win her back to talking with a counselor at one session that opened his eyes to the fact that she wasn't what he was fighting for. He said from that day forward (almost 2 weeks ago) he realized that she just filled the void and helped him escape our issues instead of dealing wth them. He said he realized he should be fighting for me instead of against me. I could see some softening the week or so before we went to dinner. Offering to take care of house stuff etc. except at this point I was consumed in attention from OM

Do I think OM is long term? 99% not. He is fantasy and escape from reality for me. He is a feel good that I don't want to let go of. I know that's stupid but it's the truth. I know I need to let go. I'm working on it. Declined hanging out last night and haven't responded today. His parents are going through a divorce after 35 years of marriage so we talk a lot about family and stuff. It's more of a friendship/companionship than romantic relationship.

And it bothers me he wanted to stay at his job unless I committed to fixing things. He said I can't quit there because of the money if we aren't going to work things out I can't afford to take another pay cut. Since dinner this last week he does realize the influence. We talk about it quite a bit. He sent me a text yesterday saying I can't wait to get out of this place. I can't believe I never saw what you saw for the last couple years. I can't believe I thought they were my friends. This place is just hell. My boss told me just to give it time and hopefully his daughter and I can work it out. He said once he said that it hit me like a ton of bricks as to what I've done and what you saw that I couldn't see and I'm sorry.

We haven't said anything to anyone until he starts his new job. He needs to make sure to get all of his tools (thousands and thousands of dollars) out of there and his vehicles. He buys and sells on the side so he's acquired a few new cars that are at the shop. He wants to bring them to my house. He offered to move back in and sleep on the couch so I can quit my second job. It's tempting!

About the money he is or was hiding. He did send me a text yesterday asking 'if this all works out can we agree to just have one bank account so there is transparency between us and you know I'm not hiding anything from you?' He also offered to cancel his phone line and get back on my plan along with getting a new phone number.

[Train]

Wounded, as usual, has covered every, single thing I would have (and some things I wouldn't have) thought to contribute.

The only thing I can add is: anyone can cheat. And someone who cheats can cheat again. So no one can exactly predict the future, you're right.

But you can minimize the chances of your H cheating again by waking up every day and deciding to do something loving toward him. You can choose to meet his needs. That will keep his Love Bank full, and he won't "need" to seek companionship elsewhere.

And your H needs to do the same thing for you.

That's what we call a marriage.

This journey is so much more than what they did wrong to us and how they need to change. It's also about how WE can change to be better spouses and make our Ms something that only a fool would leave.

Piecing is HARD work, especially when an A was involved. I could write a novel, and I'm only four months in. It takes GUTS to even TRY.

But as wounded said, when he mentioned the laundry-list of negatives when a family is broken apart, I think it's worth a shot. And it's worth your BEST, most focused shot.

What made your H change his mind so quickly? That's anyone's guess. But here's something for you to chew on now that OM is the hot topic: what made YOU change YOUR mind so suddenly? As wounded pointed out with your own quotes, it was only a couple/few weeks ago that you were wanting your H and family back. I get where you are. But how did you get there *that fast* - seemingly almost overnight?

These are rhetorical questions. But they're some things for you to consider when you want to be skeptical of your H's "timing" of popping back into your life.

Sometimes, sh!t happens. And people decide overnight. With my H? It was a movie - one I had never watched. Then it was settling in to his own apartment. The silence. The loneliness. Couple all that with him seeing me GAL and looking good and smiling and confident? It all hit him like a ton of bricks.

Every once in a while, it takes something just that simple.

Hang in there, T0.

[woundedfool]

Wounded, as usual, has covered every, single thing I would have (and some things I wouldn't have) thought to contribute.

Awww... shucks Sorry to steal your thunder Train

What made your H change his mind so quickly? That's anyone's guess.

I know you said its rhetorical... but I think it is worth pointing out: I don't really believe he changed his mind quickly. I want to credit TO because I believe quite a bit of his "quick turn" is because of TO, and the way she handled herself. I think TO started implementing things and heeding advice that made H's decision possible. The detachment, the giving up of control, changing the things she recognized she needed to changed, staying positive, acting as if, etc....

These things all had a positive effect of H's perception.

At the very least it created an olive branch he was able to grasp at.

[T384]

Thanks Train

You're right my mind changed quickly. It was the attention from someone and the filling of 'my love tank' I know this. It is like an addiction I need to give up so I can look at my H and focus on the real reasons why I would or would not want to fix things.

My H has said to me he really saw a change in me since basketball started. He said the biggest thing was how happy the boys and I were. How we were ALWAYS doing something fun. He said it really got to him that we were having a good time and doing things he wasn't a part of and that we seemed okay with that

He said he noticed how strong and independent I had become. That I didn't let his attitude affect me or how I acted (if he only knew I was posting here like a crazy person and crying to my mom!!). I really have to thank you all so much because I know in my heart none of this would have been possible without all of the excellent advice. Thank you for holding my hand and helping me see this through.

I know I want to save my M. I really do. I'm just afraid to admit that to H. I'm afraid to fall back into old habits. I want to see that he is serious about making this work. I don't feel comfortable just telling him I'm willing to try after a week of him asking. How long is enough time before I can tell him that. I did agree to putting the divorce on hold.

[woundedfool]

I know I want to save our M. I really do. I'm just afraid to admit that to you. I'm afraid to fall back into our old habits. I want to see that you are serious about making this work. I don't feel comfortable just telling you I'm willing to try after a week of you asking.

I would tell him exactly the above quote (I did change the quote a bit).

I think it is important that you need to have a marriage where he is happy, and you are happy and the entire unit is happy (maybe not sunshine and lollipops everyday, but at least not mad/sad/trapped).

[T384]

So when do I say that? Do I wait until counseling? I work mon-thurs next week so we may go Friday but more likely not until the following week


And any thoughts on him offering to move into the house to be on the couch so I can quit my second job? I know not to do that right now but how long until that is reasonable IF that's the route I want to go

[sandi2]

He said he thought she was what he wanted but he could not see that she wasn't until she was out of his life. He said it took him getting his own place and getting away from that situation in it's entirety to realize what he was doing and had lost. He said he went from trying to win her back to talking with a counselor at one session that opened his eyes to the fact that she wasn't what he was fighting for. He said from that day forward (almost 2 weeks ago) he realized that she just filled the void and helped him escape our issues instead of dealing wth them.

I wonder if it was her leaving him that sent him to a counselor, or his confusion?  Either way, as long as he has come to realize the truth and what he really wants in his life.

I could see some softening the week or so before we went to dinner. Offering to take care of house stuff etc. except at this point I was consumed in attention from OM  

Okay, good.  He was probably in the waking up process then.

And it bothers me he wanted to stay at his job unless I committed to fixing things.

Maybe that's a man thing.  I mean, I have learned by reading post from LBH's that they want to know the answer before they do the action. They want to know if the W will commit to working on the M before he puts all that effort into it.  So, I guess it would make sense that a WAH would too.  (Sigh.....men!)  
  

He sent me a text yesterday saying I can't wait to get out of this place. I can't believe I never saw what you saw for the last couple years. I can't believe I thought they were my friends. This place is just hell. My boss told me just to give it time and hopefully his daughter and I can work it out. He said once he said that it hit me like a ton of bricks as to what I've done and what you saw that I couldn't see and I'm sorry. 

As crazy as it may sound to the rational person, I can believe he's truthful.  I look back on my experience and wonder how I could have been so blind and stupid! It's all part of the "condition" or state of mind the WAS is in at that time.  Not excusing it by any means, it is what it is. When he begins to wake up (and even if some wake up at a faster pace than others), he won't necessarily see everything clearly that transpired the past two years.  He may not recall things as you do, and may even argue about some things. It is called a fog for a reason.  


 

[woundedfool]

and any thoughts on him offering to move into the house to be on the couch so I can quit my second job? I know not to do that right now but how long until that is reasonable IF that's the route I want to go

A few things you are putting the cart before the horse. Zero chance I would even consider that right now, I don't want to set a time line, but think several months, at least into the new year.

And you don't ask but finances should be TOTALLY separate for at least a year (maybe even forever).

He also should be helping out with the expenses for the household.

Did your L ever come up with a separation agreement.

[JCred]

He said he went from trying to win her back to talking with a counselor at one session that opened his eyes to the fact that she wasn't what he was fighting for.

The above quote is what this is all about T. He got DUMPED.
He didn't dump her, she dumped him. Big difference. If he would have dumped her then it would be easier to believe him wanting to be back with you........ BUT that isn't what happened.It has nothing to do with him moving into the apartment. He was getting that apartment to be with HER. Suddenly he was going to be alone when she dumped him.

THAT is why he went through the issue that he is claiming he went through at the apartment. He was dumped and with nobody. He went to counseling to win her back. THAT alone shows how much he wanted her.... He probably pushed her and smothered her until she told him flat out it was over.

THEN he woke up...


He is in panic mode because you let go. Of course he is going to say all the right things. That's what they do when they have nobody else.



You are doing great T. Great
I believe you should continue on exactly as you are. Think these things through just as you are doing. He NEEDS to go through this crisis to grow. If you don't allow him to grow, then the next time a young good looking woman comes along, he WILL do the same thing.

You don't have to say things you don't feel. What you are doing is WORKING. Michelle says to do what works.

It isn't up to us what you do. It isn't our decision. This is YOUR decision. Please don't take that he acts like he is Mr. Husband of the year now as he is a changed man. As you can see from this site, when someone is in a crisis they always say they have changed. It's the crisis that pushed them to that. They are in panic and will do ANYTHING to get you back.

Be careful. Be wise. Just as you have been in the last few weeks. What turned this around is he got dumped, you let go and he thought he was going to lose you both if he didn't make a move back to you. Remember, big difference in who did the dumping. If he would have dumped her, then what he is saying would be more believable. That isn't the case here. You are wise to have your guard up. You would be wise to keep it up and let him go through this having to put some work in to earn it. Sit back and let him grow. Be observant.

You don't need to make any decisions right now if you aren't sure. You ARE giving him a chance. You met with him when he asked. You have been honest with him. You called and asked him to meet you when you were out the other night and a number of other small things to show you are still hanging in there. Too much too soon can be fatal to a relationship.

And remember.. Always be nice...

[T384]

Sandi - I believe it was them breaking up that sent him to the C. And I hope he is being truthful

Tonight I was setting up something on his phone for him and it automatically loads all of your contacts into the app. Her name pops up first. It was like a punch in the stomach. I passed him his phone and said are you kidding. I was quiet and told him I thought it would. Be best that he went home. He apologized a few minutes later and said he deleted her off everything he said 'I don't think about her I didn't even think about her number still being in my phone'. I just said I really can't even think of moving forward with any part of her in your life. It's not fair to me or the boys. I shouldn't have to tell you what to do. You should do it because it's a step towards what YOU want.

Wounded - no my lawyer didn't draft up a legal separation. I didn't even think about it to be honest. H is returning all the vehicles and has agreed to let me sell them. He made his attorney aware so it could be communicated with my attorney so that should we proceed with divorce it will not be held against me.

Money wise and child visitation I figured we could work out ourselves now that he is not in the fog anymore. He has already been more than helpful etc. we will see.

I'm keeping finances separate. Part of me wants him to move back in in the next couple months so I can quit this second job for when I start school in January. I know the motives have to be right though.

[woundedfool]

Tonight I was setting up something on his phone for him and it automatically loads all of your contacts into the app. Her name pops up first. It was like a punch in the stomach. I passed him his phone and said are you kidding. I was quiet and told him I thought it would. Be best that he went home. He apologized a few minutes later and said he deleted her off everything he said 'I don't think about her I didn't even think about her number still being in my phone'. I just said I really can't even think of moving forward with any part of her in your life. It's not fair to me or the boys. I shouldn't have to tell you what to do. You should do it because it's a step towards what YOU want

Ouch.... yea, that's a tough one.

I 100% agree, pretty dumb move not getting her out of the phone. It does show a lack of for thought on his part. I think you made the right move by asking him to go home for the night.

Moving forward, I think that would be a good boundary to set. Something to the tune of: I did not appreciate you still having her number in your phone. When I saw it it made me feel like you still had intentions of communicating with her.

More of a question: didn't someone post or mention a method of H & W writing a don't contact me letter to OM/OW that is then sent by the the LBS?

[JCred]

He apologized a few minutes later and said he deleted her off everything he said 'I don't think about her I didn't even think about her number still being in my phone'. I just said I really can't even think of moving forward with any part of her in your life. It's not fair to me or the boys. I shouldn't have to tell you what to do. You should do it because it's a step towards what YOU want.

BINGO.. You are GOOD T.... Fantastic job again...

I shouldn't have to tell you what to do. You should do it because it's a step towards what YOU want

You should be teaching US things T.. You nailed the perfect response again. Very good....

He is LYING to you. We know that he knows that number was still in there T. I would be cautious. RED FLAG written all over what you found. He still may have a thing for her. Remember SHE dumped him.

Stay observant. He has lied before and he could be lying again. He knows he can't tell you his deep inner feelings for her if he has them. He may just not want to be alone... Some people hate being alone and would rather be with someone even if they don't really deep down want them, than be with nobody. Has he ever shown that he can live without a woman in his life? HHHMMMMM????? Think about that.

Keep up the good work. You should be the one giving advice on here. You are proving to be what I call a "natural"..
You GET it. You really do.

This is exactly why I keep hoping you stay on the path you are on. You are handling this in a textbook fashion. It isn't up to you to prove anything. HE is the one who had the affair and crushed your spirit to the point of no return.

Keep up the good work. Maybe this was God's way of showing you something about him.... He may get rid of her number, but it doesn't mean he can't memorize it....

Be wise. AND always be nice.....

[JCred]

What made your H change his mind so quickly? That's anyone's guess. But here's something for you to chew on now that OM is the hot topic: what made YOU change YOUR mind so suddenly? As wounded pointed out with your own quotes, it was only a couple/few weeks ago that you were wanting your H and family back. I get where you are. But how did you get there *that fast* - seemingly almost overnight?

My take is that he changed his mind so fast because he got dumped. As many on here know, getting dumped makes one change FAST...

As far as T... I don't see that she changed her mind fast.
When someone flat out tells you they are in love with someone else, steals money from you, steals your possessions,
threatens to call the police on you, screams and yells at you, doesn't see their children, posts pictures of themselves and the wayward and does the things that this man did... I could EASILY see why her feelings could change. I don't even see a comparison here. I think it shows she is moving toward getting healthy. Why wouldn't she compare the new guy who is treating her like a lady and good woman, to someone that did what he H did? I say good for her.

She IS giving her all. She is giving what she has in her for what she has been through. As Michelle says.. Only T knows when she has had enough.

Now he wants to come back like nothing happened? I say.. HOLD ON BUDDY.. Not so fast.. MY feeling HAVE changed...Even HE admits what he did shouldn't be forgiven. He knows he was a schmuck.

Good for you T... I don't see that your feeling just suddenly just changed. It looks like it was back and forth, back and forth... Some days you wanted him back, some days you were thinking "why do I want someone who treats me like THAT" (that's healthy in my opinion)

You can minimize the chances of him cheating again by making him do the work he needs to do. I am sure you are the type of woman that would love to fill your man's love bank. I remember you saying you want to be the woman who makes her man happy emotionally, physically and sexually, etc... I told you then that you are a good woman. Don't second guess who you are here. Keep this in perspective. HE is the one who needs to take this and run with it. You need to hold back, be observant and let it happen as it does. YOU will know when the time is right for YOU to fill his love bank. Maybe he needs to find out how to fill his own love bank for awhile to understand what this and what marriage is all about. Remember.. He got dumped. Be wary when the WS gets dumped. Many times they run home to what was safe. They say and do all the right things. Help him to grow up here. IF he is a big boy like he is saying, then he should understand that you may not really be able to give your "all" right now.

AND that's okay T... It really is okay.
What you are doing is working. Michelle says to do what works. You have him doing all the right things. Don't change what is working. That is silly.

[T384]

He ended up calling me and asking me to come out side and talk. He said he didn't want to leave things on that note. The first thing he said was I am sorry I love you and I am only worried about you and the boys. I haven't thought about her at all and haven't given a [censored] to worry about her or her phone number. I went theough and deleted her and anything that had to do with Her if it wasn't already.

We had a really nice long talk about everything. He agreed to writing a no contact letter to the boss, boss's wife and the daughter. I told him it is a NON-NEGOTIABLE for me because he said he planned on telling the boss in person. I said how do I know you will say what you do? I feel more comfortable it being in a letter I know is sent and received.

I told him him talking to her, her family, or anything to do with them is mom negotiable for me and to just prepare for a divorce at that point.

[JCred]

He ended up calling me and asking me to come out side and talk.

Good for you. This again shows you ARE trying. People who aren't trying don't go out to talk do they?

It also shows that what you are doing IS WORKING. He called you.. He apologized to YOU.. AGAIN...

He wasn't doing that when you were telling him how much you loved and cared for him was he? So, that means what you have been doing is WORKING.. (holding back and being strong and making him do the work)(even though behind the scenes you ARE working...) That's exactly the way to do it.. Great job..

Don't change what works. Keep this path for now.

We had a really nice long talk about everything.

This again shows you are trying. This again shows you are a good woman. When someone says they had a "nice" long talk, that is a person who doesn't sound bitter in the least. It sounds to me like a couple of people making slow steady progress.

Do what works........

I told him him talking to her, her family, or anything to do with them is mom negotiable for me and to just prepare for a divorce at that point.

Perfect reply again.... Confident, strong, firm and yet not the least bit mean. It is also saying AGAIN that you ARE trying.

Great great job T.... You really need to just keep listening to your own heart and mind here because you certainly are doing all the things that are pointing you in the right direction.... Allow him to grow up here. Observe, keep your cards close to your vest. You will know when you can give him more of yourself. You won't need us to tell you that because none of us know. I trust your judgement.

And remember.. Always be nice...

[woundedfool]

We had a really nice long talk about everything. He agreed to writing a no contact letter to the boss, boss's wife and the daughter. I told him it is a NON-NEGOTIABLE for me because he said he planned on telling the boss in person. I said how do I know you will say what you do? I feel more comfortable it being in a letter I know is sent and received.

I told him him talking to her, her family, or anything to do with them is mom negotiable for me and to just prepare for a divorce at that point.

Of course this should be done AFTER he gets his final paycheck.

[T384]

Oh yes definitely

[woundedfool]

TO, I was re-reading your thread last night, and this hit me like a ton of bricks... But what is wrong about the below quote from you?

I just said I really can't even think of moving forward with any part of her in your life. It's not fair to me or the boys. I shouldn't have to tell you what to do. You should do it because it's a step towards what YOU want.

Sorry TO, but I am going to keep hammering you on this...

How is the homework coming?

[T384]

Is it too bossy?

Homework is coming along slowly but surely. Super busy with work.

[woundedfool]

I shouldn't have to tell you what to do.

Is it too bossy?

No... You are mind-reading him, that he should know to mind-read you. Yes, the dreaded "double mindread" I know of no human, let alone pair of humans who have that ability.

Homework is coming along slowly but surely. Super busy with work.

Good, I just want you on top of it. Small suggestion, if he is spending more time with the kids, take a day just for yourself, and take a bath, read, enjoy the day with no distractions.

[T384]

He has been spending time with the boys a lot while I'm at work but when I'm free he is trying to spend a lot of time with me

we watched a movie last night and I must have fallen asleep. I woke up at 5 for work and he was sleeping next to me. I woke him up and told him he needed to go to the couch lol. I don't want to confuse the boys

I am going out wih some friends tonight and staying the night out. H knows this and was asking if he could come see me tonight. I told him I would just see him tomorrow.

[T384]

Today as part of my GAL I completed our mud volleyball tournament that my hospital sponsored, it was soo much fun! H has had the boys

I am really struggling and I know this is where C is going to come in and I've been re-reading DR (I don't have DB and I actually liked DR better than DB when I read them awhile back)

I don't know I can let go of H and OW. I found out he took her away on vacations and to places where he and I would take the boys. It is a kick in the stomach. We were supposed to take the boys out tonight (first time the 4 of us since he left in February) and I honestly told him I don't know that I can go after finding this other stuff out. I don't know how to deal. We have counseling Friday.

Oh and the response I always get from H is - there is nothing I can do about the past and the mistakes I've made. The only thing I can help is this day forward and try my best to prove to you that I am sorry and I will never do it again

[sandi2]

I suppose I am the last person who should respond, since I can't say I know how you feel. I have tried to imagine the horrible pain the betrayed spouse experiences, but I realize it doesn't begin to scratch the surface. So please don't look at my post like I am saying any such thing. I wanted you to know someone is out here today, reading what you've stated......and I am so sorry for your pain.

There must be so much anger involved in learning more "details" of their A. Did you ask him a question that led to him telling you about their vacations? I have read some posts where it seemed the LBW had a much harder time getting it out of her head after she had details revealed.

I remember one case where the H honestly answered every question she had. And she continued asking him more & more, until that was all that filled her mind 24/7. Even though he was through with the OW and ready to R the M......the LBW simply could not let it go. She had wanted nothing more than for her WAH to end his A and return home. So, he ended the A, and she assured him she had forgiven him of everything....and he went back home to proceed with their lives. However, she could not leave it alone, and found no peace. Even though it ate away at her insides, she would ask him more questions about the A. She became so focused on what her H and OW did, that it consumed her. Even when she wouldn't ask him a question, she would wonder, "Did OW cook this dish for him". "Did he take her to see that movie?" "Did she do something sexual that I haven't?". On and on , until it robbed her of any peace. And, it would make her mad b/c he had apparently put it all out of his mind and it wasn't bothering him. He was remorseful, but seems he was able to put it behind him.....and that seem to irrate her. They should have taken things slowly......and didn't. They should have had counseling......and didn't. She should have stayed with DBing......and didn't.

I think you are hearing too much and before you are emotionally prepared. Perhaps he needs,to wait until the MC can guide the conversation. Or, you may even have to tell your H you can't hear anymore about "them" until the two of you are in a better place with each other. Maybe you will be better off never hearing any more, IDK. Everyone is different.

I have learned that marriage is pretty much an ongoing state of forgiveness. Sometimes the offenses are much more critical than others. But if we don't learn how to forgive our spouse, it will be an ongoing state of misery for both. Forgiveness is crucial for your own peace of mind, whether you stay M to him or not. He doesn't deserve your forgiveness. He doesn't deserve to iniliate his family and then have another chance with them. He doesn't deserve your love, .......or anything else. But this is not for him. It is for you.

I am so sorry you have this new pain added,to what was already there. I hope you are doing something as a type of outlet for your emotions.

(hugs)

[Maybell]

^^^^^^^
That should be stickied.

[T384]

Thank you as always Sandi, your insight and thoughtfulness will always leave me indebted to you.

I feel like the H you described is my H. He has put it past him, he is remorseful and has moved on from that and only wants me. He is making all the right steps and 'their 6 month life' is eating away at me. I don't let him know this and I know that it all needs to be addressed in counseling. I want to forgive but I will never be ever to fully forget. It will always be tucked away. It will always be a part of me with or without H. But I don't want it to consume me. I don't want it to have to be addressed every day. I need to just give myself time. It's only been a week since we had dinner. It's a fresh wound. I don't need every detail but I do need some so I can see it and move forward.

He tells me he deserves nothing from me. He deserves me to be happy with someone else. He told me the other night, if you can forgive me and find love for me in your heart again enough to try and make this work. I will be the luckiest man in the history of this world.

[woundedfool]

First, just checking in to see how things are going?

I want to forgive but I will never be ever to fully forget. It will always be tucked away.

While it is great to forgive. I don't think anyone can be expected to ever forget. I fear in my next relationship that I will indeed have financial conditions attached to it (I am NEVER having a joint bank account or joint debt again). But those are not roadblocks to a relationship. So don't let them be roadblocks to a reconciliation.

It will always be a part of me with or without H. But I don't want it to consume me.

It will, but it is important (and I see you recognize it) that it doesn't consume you.

[T384]

Things are okay.

We have counseling next Wednesday. We have dealt with a few obstacles the last couple days.

H gave his notice on Monday. This obviously didn't go well. He only told his boss he was leaving for another career opportunity, nothing more. His boss made sure to tell him she made you unhappy before you left if you go back to her you will be unhappy again. H told me he just replied, it's our decision and our life. I was upset that he didn't stick up for me. We ended up getting into a discussion regarding this --- I need a man in my life to stick up for me. I know I will probably get 2x4s for this but I want someone that's going to stick up for me I have been humiliated by H and this family and just once I wanted him to stand up for wanting to be home vs just taking the easy way out of this is our decision.

I understand that's not necessarily a conversation to be had until after he is officially done there (next weeek). But he just told me he doesn't want to create a problem and would rather just move on. Now he's saying he doesn't feel he needs to send a letter to OW since she's back with her ex and he told his boss that he didn't want anyone to talk to him.

I still think the NC letters should be sent so I guess I will bring this up in counseling. We have been together every night after work since he is home wth the boys. Last night I stayed the night out because I needed a break.

Not sure where this leaves me. Time to go back and REread DR again and again

[woundedfool]

H gave his notice on Monday. This obviously didn't go well. He only told his boss he was leaving for another career opportunity, nothing more. His boss made sure to tell him she made you unhappy before you left if you go back to her you will be unhappy again. H told me he just replied, it's our decision and our life. I was upset that he didn't stick up for me. We ended up getting into a discussion regarding this --- I need a man in my life to stick up for me. I know I will probably get 2x4s for this but I want someone that's going to stick up for me I have been humiliated by H and this family and just once I wanted him to stand up for wanting to be home vs just taking the easy way out of this is our decision.

I understand that's not necessarily a conversation to be had until after he is officially done there (next weeek). But he just told me he doesn't want to create a problem and would rather just move on. Now he's saying he doesn't feel he needs to send a letter to OW since she's back with her ex and he told his boss that he didn't want anyone to talk to him.

Free advice: You and H did not have a dog in that fight. Remember what I told YOU about baiting?

Well boss was trying to bait H... fortunately, he did not take the bait.

I also think this was more of "reaching" on bosses part to either create sour grapes, or create doubt in H's future move.

Frankly I think you are looking too deep into a shallow well.

I still think the NC letters should be sent so I guess I will bring this up in counseling.

Not a bad idea, but they should be matter of fact. They do not need to include anything other then fact. Essentially, he is burning the bridge, but not to any extent that is remotely close to threatening. think of it containing a line like: I know that our relationship was wrong/innappropriate/etc.

Not sure where this leaves me. Time to go back and REread DR again and again

That is a very good idea. Have you done any of the exercises in there? (listmaking/goalsetting/etc?

[T384]

Wounded -

I did not want anything threatening. I just wanted him to state please do not contact me, my wife, etc. The last 6 months have been the biggest mistake of my life. No threatening or anything along those lines just matter of fact.

Is that unrealistic or do you have any tips on what should or could be said

[woundedfool]

Wounded -

I did not want anything threatening. I just wanted him to state please do not contact me, my wife, etc. The last 6 months have been the biggest mistake of my life. No threatening or anything along those lines just matter of fact.

Is that unrealistic or do you have any tips on what should or could be said

***** warning. I have ZERO experience with this, please solicit other opinions (or let my thoughts get critiqued) before sending them.****

Keep subjective emotion type things out of it: doesn't matter if it was the "biggest mistake". Just stick with the bullet points:

I believe our relationship was inappropriate, and was a mistake. Please do not contact me, my wife, or family so we can try to heal and honor our commitment to God. Only he should sign, but you mail it.

The same letter should be sent to father and mother. But keep relationship out of it. (Your probably going to hate this, but...)I think as a matter of courtesy, it would be "nice" for him to actually thank them for the shelter they provided for around 6 months. Regardless of their role in "throwing gas on the fire", they did open their home to him.

All of these should be done after he officially gets his final paycheck.

[labug]

I need a man in my life to stick up for me. I know I will probably get 2x4s for this but I want someone that's going to stick up for me I have been humiliated by H and this family and just once I wanted him to stand up for wanting to be home vs just taking the easy way out of this is our decision.

What does this mean to you?

I think what he said to the boss was very appropriate given the circumstance. He stayed professional and detached. As wounded fool said, he didn't bite when she threw out the hook.

[T384]

I don't honestly know what it means for me

I understand that H responded appropriately and professionally. However I kind of just feel like I want him to stand up to them. I know that is childish on my part and I'm trying to work through my feelings on that. I struggle with wanting them to know that they aren't priority and that this has been a mistake. It bothers me that they think he's coming home because he has no other option.

Cue wounded's famous words - let it go!

[woundedfool]

I struggle with wanting them to know that they aren't priority and that this has been a mistake.

Why do you feel they need to know that they are not a priority.

Even in practice, quitting and sending the NC letters would seem to indicate they have been "bumped" off the priority list.

It bothers me that they think he's coming home because he has no other option.

Of any opinions in the world, why would you desire to have theirs?

Cue wounded's famous words - let it go!

It was the "rat in Orlando" that made them famous... not me

[labug]

I don't honestly know what it means for me

I understand that H responded appropriately and professionally. However I kind of just feel like I want him to stand up to them. I know that is childish on my part and I'm trying to work through my feelings on that. I struggle with wanting them to know that they aren't priority and that this has been a mistake. It bothers me that they think he's coming home because he has no other option.

Cue wounded's famous words - let it go!

And I would echo that.

You have no control of what others think. Your husband could stand on the street corner, tarred and feathered and handing out flyers and people are all going to think different things.

The opinions that matter are yours and your H's.

What are your feelings? That is a good place to start.

[T384]

You guys are both right and I KNOW their feelings don't matter it's just something I am working on dealing with.

My feelings? First of all I feel overwhelmed and confused. Happy? Yes, but definitely overwhelmed. I feel like things are moving a little too fast. I have only been off maybe 3 days in the last 2 weeks so H has picked up every bit of slack. I came home the other night to a new washer and dryer (mine had been broke). He made the appointment for the house to be repiped, I came home to a brand new bedroom set with a new nice mattress. I appreciate all these things but it doesn't fix what's happened. I'm looking forward to counseling on Wednesday. He really wants to move back in to the spare bedroom. He wants me to quit workjng this second job so I can be home more but he knows I can't do that while he's not living at the house. He offered to stay in the spare bedroom while I'm in grad school so I don't have to work much even if I won't work things out with him.

All of these things make me happy but they don't come without reservation. I want to do things right so we don't fall into old habits.

I'm off for the next 4 days. Is it too much to be with him every day? I made a point to go out after work last night with friends. I stayed at my moms one night during my stretch of work nights (she lives in orlando which is where I work, my commute is a little over 2 hours each way so it saves me)

[woundedfool]

My feelings? First of all I feel overwhelmed and confused. Happy? Yes, but definitely overwhelmed.

Very understandable. Especially when you were getting used to your "new normal". I am sure fear and uncertainty are in there too.
But try to focus on the "Happy" part.

I feel like things are moving a little too fast. I have only been off maybe 3 days in the last 2 weeks so H has picked up every bit of slack. I came home the other night to a new washer and dryer (mine had been broke). He made the appointment for the house to be repiped, I came home to a brand new bedroom set with a new nice mattress. I appreciate all these things but it doesn't fix what's happened.

First, yes... IMhO it is moving fast (but that is not good or bad). Speed and comfort is something you need to come to terms with. Do not be afraid to be honest about it.

I'm looking forward to counseling on Wednesday.

Us too! Little tip, since you have had some opportunity to do some IC, much like your meetings with him, let him set the pace to start. Don't judge, just listen. Again, this is just to start (by no means am I suggesting you not say a word the whole time).

He really wants to move back in to the spare bedroom. He wants me to quit workjng this second job so I can be home more but he knows I can't do that while he's not living at the house. He offered to stay in the spare bedroom while I'm in grad school so I don't have to work much even if I won't work things out with him.

Boy, thats tough.... I would look to the counselor for some input. But, If it were me, I would ask that he know he is to live in his apartment for at lest the next few months. And maybe see how counseling/relationship is going after a few months, and revisit it then (that is just to relieve any pressures).

All of these things make me happy but they don't come without reservation. I want to do things right so we don't fall into old habits.

I think it is very good you recognize this. Seems like that is half the battle.

I'm off for the next 4 days. Is it too much to be with him every day?

Thats for you to know. Does it feel like too much? Does it feel like not enough? What do you think?

[T384]

I planned on staying quiet and letting him do the talking. Especially since I know this counselor and I really like him and trust that he will do right by us. I am not going to be quiet (unfortunately that's just not ME lol) but I do want to let H open up and take the floor first.

I think that's why I feel it's so fast because I had just finally gotten used to my life without H and then bam he's back and full force. I feel that he knows he did wrong, he admits it, and just wants to move forward and try and forget about everything. I've explained that it's not that easy for me. He says he understands but just doesn't know what to do besides give it and me time. I have to admit he is doing and saying all the right things but it's only been a couple weeks so I'm still preceding with caution.

I am back and forth on the moving in thing. I don't know that I will wait months but I will wait for counseling and see how the first month of counseling goes before I can really make my decision. I'm working hard to forgive so that we can move forward because I think that's what's really holding me up.

I would love to spend all 4 of my days off with him and the boys. He wants to have a date night tomorrow night. I'm just looking to you guys if this is too much if I should separate myself maybe one of the days.


Another big thing for me is --- nothing changed in our relationship that he was unhappy about or so he says he was unhappy about. I really just DB'd as much as I could as far as being nice but for him it was me going dark, GAL and just being genuinely happy during our short infrequent interactions. So what changed? He says he just saw that he covered our problems with someone else. And it took him getting away from that entire family and situation to have time to think to himself to realize what the F am I doing.

[woundedfool]

I've explained that it's not that easy for me. He says he understands but just doesn't know what to do besides give it and me time.

That is just it, he needs to do the "right" things consistently moving forward.

I am back and forth on the moving in thing. I don't know that I will wait months but I will wait for counseling and see how the first month of counseling goes before I can really make my decision. I'm working hard to forgive so that we can move forward because I think that's what's really holding me up.

How about moving forward, without moving.... by that I mean, tell him your GOAL is to have him move back in, but you both need the time to process and heal. Furthermore, it needs to be for the right reasons (not just the financial side).

I would love to spend all 4 of my days off with him and the boys. He wants to have a date night tomorrow night. I'm just looking to you guys if this is too much if I should separate myself maybe one of the days.

Nope that is entirely up to you. Do what feels natural/organic.

Another big thing for me is --- nothing changed in our relationship that he was unhappy about or so he says he was unhappy about. I really just DB'd as much as I could as far as being nice but for him it was me going dark, GAL and just being genuinely happy during our short infrequent interactions. So what changed? He says he just saw that he covered our problems with someone else. And it took him getting away from that entire family and situation to have time to think to himself to realize what the F am I doing.

All good answers, in fact... those are many of the things that MWD preaches in the books: You moved out of the way, he discovered YOU may have not been the reason for his unhappiness.

But.... LOTS have changed, YOU have changed, you have discovered a tough, independent woman, who knows she will be "fine" with out without anyone else.

[T384]

So question-

A lot of my hesitation is losing the momentum of the case my L has built up regarding custody and then the financial aspect as far as the return of my vehicles and other assets that I have a lot of cash tied up in. I plan on selling everything and putting the money back in my savings and really cutting back.

so this leaves me here. What if this happens again? I want to protect my self. Is it weird to ask H to have a legal agreement drawn up. I know this might sound crazy but if I'm going to jump back in and risk that he may or may not do this again I want to be protected. Any thoughts? H told me he would basically agreee to pretty much anything at this point as long as it's remotely fair and it wouldn't 'matter' to him as much because he doesn't ever plan on divorcing me so what I would want or ask for he would be willing to agree to to prove to me he is serious and committed. I have not told him what I was thinking I was just jokingly tossing the idea last night to see his response. It was much better than I thought

[raliced]

Hi T0324,

I've been following your situation, and am glad it seems to have turned around. I absolutely think its fine for a legal agreement to be drawn up (its called a postnuptial). I may never get to where you are, and I've already thought that if I have the opportunity to put the marriage together this is something I would insist on as well. I think that its a positive thing to enter your Reconciliation feeling as secure as possible under the circumstances. Best of Luck!

[labug]

It seems you're trying to solve everything RIGHT NOW.

Slow down, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. It seems your anxiety is through the roof cause you're worked about what might happen and you have no idea what might happen.

Take things as they come.

You can do this.

[bashy]

Sorry to hijack T0 but could labug look at part 3 of my thread especially over the last few weeks. MrBond gave me his thoughts but I'd like more advice if possible.

[woundedfool]

So question-

A lot of my hesitation is losing the momentum of the case my L has built up regarding custody and then the financial aspect as far as the return of my vehicles and other assets that I have a lot of cash tied up in. I plan on selling everything and putting the money back in my savings and really cutting back.

so this leaves me here. What if this happens again? I want to protect my self. Is it weird to ask H to have a legal agreement drawn up. I know this might sound crazy but if I'm going to jump back in and risk that he may or may not do this again I want to be protected. Any thoughts? H told me he would basically agreee to pretty much anything at this point as long as it's remotely fair and it wouldn't 'matter' to him as much because he doesn't ever plan on divorcing me so what I would want or ask for he would be willing to agree to to prove to me he is serious and committed. I have not told him what I was thinking I was just jokingly tossing the idea last night to see his response. It was much better than I thought

I was driving at this for a while, you didn't seem to concerned before (not a dig, strictly an observation). But YES you should have already discussed this with your L, You should have (and have had) a separation agreement in place. It should lay out everyone's obligations, housing and agreements about shared property.

Furthermore, even if you do R, you should have ALL financial aspects (credit cards, bank accounts, loans, vehicles) 100% separate.

Just my $0.02 worth.

[T384]

No I know it was mentioned but we do not have a separation agreement per say. He and I have agreed on things but it's not legally bound

I want a resolution. I want to know it's going to be okay. I want things to be fixed. I want to forgive.

I struggle with forgiveness. Will I ever be able to forgive him? Only time will tell. I'm really putting a lot of weight on Counseling to help us

H and I had a date night last night. We met a few of my friends out at a local bar and stayed out pretty late and had a great time.

Today my mom watched the boys and we did some furniture shopping (I had some stuff to exchange). Tonight we took the boys over to my friends house and let the kids swim and we grilled out. My. H really enjoys her H even though they haven't hung out much in the past. Overall great weekend so far.

Planning on taking the boat out tomorrow with family. It will be the first time H will be around everyone back in this setting but I know he will be fine and I know my family will be fine because they just want me to be happy.

It truly is like we haven't skipped a beat. Even my friend tonight said. If I didn't know everything I would never in a million years think anything happened between you two. Especially to the extreme (she knows some of the gory details). She said she can see what love we have for each other being around us. It's the truth - we really have such great time together. Then this forgiveness and trust thing. Creeps back up!

[sandi2]

You are putting pressure on yourself. It's as if you feel you have to forgive right now.......right this minute.....and resume your life with WAH. I still say you are rushing the process and even though the two of you have good times (which is wonderful) there are some things that can't be pushed.

I respect the fact that you recognize what you have to do in order to have a relationship that is "real" with him. It is difficult to force feelings out of ourselves or anyone else. As a wayward WAW, who had decided to stay in my M, I knew I needed to be remorseful......and even prayed to be forgiven and to feel remorse for my actions. I was going through all the right steps, but the resentment of the past continued to reign in my spirit. What worked for me, was reading all the heart break from the LBH'S here on the board, then mentally connect it with what I had done to my H. I was actually working toward getting to the place I felt remorse and also be able to forgive him. And it still took a loooooong time before I could give a genuine apology and show remorse to my H.

I only told you this to let you know that although I wore a different pair of shoes, I can understand about trying to force feelings where the issues are unresolved. I do believe we should make the choice & decision to forgive, and allow time for the feelings to catch up with the decision. Sometimes, it is easier said than done b/c we women have so much feelings tied to everything that involves us. I am praying that you will have a very good MC who will help both of you. You deserve happiness and peace.

[T384]

Thank you as always Sandi

You are spot on. I have made the decision to forgive but my mind and heart need to catch up with the decision that has been made. I know I need to give it time. However, I am someone that wants things rectified and let's
Move forward! I'm working on this. I also feel like I'm putting so much weight on MC. I just don't want to be disappointed. We are at the point where H is spending every day at the house. I have told him I loved him this weekend after not having said it since March/April.

I am teetering the balance of eveything I have learned from DB (and so much more from DB I still have to learn). I don't want to get comfortable as revert back to old habits and to be honest I have caught myself going down a path and had to do a u turn. Especially with conflict and my delivery of the message. So I'm really working hard to remain cognizant of the things I do and can change.

The being appreciative of my H is probably something that will stick with me forever. I really realized it today that I didn't tell him or show him I was as much as I could have. This morning I woke up (he got up with the Boys and let me sleep in) went to the store and got the boat ready (a lot of work by the way) and basically I just had to show up. I invited a girlfriend and go figure she loved H (she's a friend from work that had never met him). I ended up with a really terrible migraine by the end of the day so he took care of dinner and drove to the store to get me medicine. I just love this man. Just trying to be realistic that hopefully his changes are genuine. My mom told me she cried today looking at H and I. He was just holding me while we were watching the boys play at the beach. She said she and my dad were just so happy to see me happy after these last 6 months of hell.

Ugh sorry I'm rambling. I can't sleep!

But thank you all and thank you sandi. I hope I find peace I know I will I just have to be okay with getting through every letter of the alphabet to get to the end without skipping some important letters

[labug]

Everything isn't going to suddenly be OK. There will be ups and downs and good and bad. That's just life. You have a lot of expectations.

How can you deal with those expectations?

It's important for you to know your boundaries. Do you?

Slow down and enjoy where you are right now. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow.

[JCred]

You're doing just fine.
Keep up the good work.

[T384]

I really honestly don't know what my boundaries are entirely.

I feel confused and just want to be happy. I don't even know if I am making sense!

What kind of boundaries are you talking about? And the way I can deal with MY expectations is to take it day by day and live life. I can't control what happens so what will be will be. I can control how I act and respond to things.

[JCred]

Again. You're doing just fine.
Great job.

[labug]

There's all kinds of writing out there on setting boundaries in a relationship. The good news is you don't need a lot of boundaries, just strong boundaries. I don't know what your boundaries might be but figuring out what that are would be a good first step for you.

[woundedfool]

I don't know what your boundaries might be but figuring out what that are would be a good first step for you.

And just to help brainstorm, can you name some:

Financial boundaries?
Physical boundaries?
Intimacy boundaries?

FYI: You have already set some with his R with 19girl and her family.

[T384]

I guess my mind was mush reading Labugs question regarding boundaries. I have set some very firm boundaries in regard to H in many aspects

1. Absolutely no contact with ex boss and the family including OW and anyone in that social circle (which includes one of my used to be very close friends that I found out are not as good of friends as I thought)

2. New job - I would not even think about R if he didn't

3. Marriage counseling - same as the new job

4. Separate bank accounts for however long I determine. We continue to split household expenses and things for the boys 50/50. I will keep my second job to support myself and pay some debt off.

5. Intimacy - H went for a full STD test. As I will not have anything to do with him until that is done.

6. H has asked for one night a week for just us - whether it be dinner, movie at home, gym, etc. so that's something I think is good

[labug]

See you did know what boundaries were.

That's a good start.

Relax now and see what happens.

[T384]

Marriage counseling tonight 😁


I'm planning on letting H take the floor and lead. My personality will most certainly not allow me to be quiet but I wonder what do we tackle tonight. We are using my C so he knows SOME of the situation. He does not know about OW because I haven't seen him since May and hadn't brought up the thought of it.

A big issue H and I have is the financial aspect. He has blown over 20k since leaving. I just don't know how to deal wth this. It's money we definitely didn't have to waste. Between lawyers and apartment, etc. I'm pretty upset about it. Especially since I accrued NO debt or spent any extra money other than what I made with running this household without him and with not much financial support from him. So many things run through my mind -- that was our savings! He says he will rebuild it and replace it. I know this is not a major breaker but it is just another thing thrown in on top of dealing with the A that I struggle with.

[labug]

You're going to struggle. Everything won'e suddenly be OK. Accept that what you're feeling is normal and expected.

Let the MC take the lead. You just sit back and listen. Take along your newly acquired DB communication skills.

Good luck.

[woundedfool]

Marriage counseling tonight 😁


I'm planning on letting H take the floor and lead. My personality will most certainly not allow me to be quiet but I wonder what do we tackle tonight. We are using my C so he knows SOME of the situation. He does not know about OW because I haven't seen him since May and hadn't brought up the thought of it.

A big issue H and I have is the financial aspect. He has blown over 20k since leaving. I just don't know how to deal wth this. It's money we definitely didn't have to waste. Between lawyers and apartment, etc. I'm pretty upset about it. Especially since I accrued NO debt or spent any extra money other than what I made with running this household without him and with not much financial support from him. So many things run through my mind -- that was our savings! He says he will rebuild it and replace it. I know this is not a major breaker but it is just another thing thrown in on top of dealing with the A that I struggle with.

Of the things people cite as reasons for divorce, financial pressures are right up there.

I think it is a reasonable concern of how to move forward financially. I think one thing that may help is to do some reading on financial planning. As well as the old classics like budgeting, etc.

Whatever path you come up with there, stick to it and hold each other accountable.

[JCred]

I think you should make him do what he said. Build AND replace. Have him agree to put it in an account with ONLY your name and only you have access to. Maybe even give to your parents to hold for you. Don't let him off the hook on this. Down the road if he has proven himself to you, then you can decide if you want to combine all money together.

[T384]

Is it fair to be separate even if living under the same roof? H and I have always had joint everything. I am contemplating on whether this would be something I would ever do again in the future. Based on how I feel about the debt that has been accrued as much as I don't want to work the second job anymore I think it is for the best so that I can steam roll some of my debt (student loans, small amounts on credit cards) and pay all of that off so that I'm bringing less to the table and less for me to worry about when I start school.

I still have every intention of forging on with the plans I made without H in my life. Grad school will better my career and will protect me even more so as far as my earning capacity should I ever (praying not) be found in this situation again.

Right now we split everything. We have separate bank accounts obviously and our joint accounts were closed during the S. He has asked if we can get joint accounts again once we have worked through everything so that everything is open and there are no secrets (I felt during the S he was hiding money - I'm sure he was so this is what he means by that. He doesn't want me to think he is working extra and keeping cash jobs).

I told him I would have to think about it. I also still intend of having my L draw up the agreement should we divorce in the future. A post nuptial? To me that is a boundary for my financial/legal/custody and if H is genuine about him being all in and has no intentions of getting D then he will sign it. And he has agreed -we both came up with what we thought was fair. I hate that we have to talk about things like that but again. Guard is up and I have to be careful.

[T384]

JCRed I feel like I always miss your posts - they don't show up until later?

And yes I'm going to make him keep his word! I continue to tell him actions speak louder than words and I am not going to be holding his hand on everything. He wants me to tell him what I want, tell him what he needs to do etc. I flat out told him last night H I love you and I want this to work but I need you to figure out some stuff on your own. I don't want to always tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I am always here for you and want to help you by all means but something's you need to do on your own

[woundedfool]

Is it fair to be separate even if living under the same roof?

Absolutely fair.

However, I do not suggest hiding anything. The "books" should be transparent and open, and he should be able to "see everything".... just he would have ZERO access to it.

[JCred]

Once again, you seem to be handling things wonderfully.
You really do have a good head on your shoulders.
You are on the right track.

It's OKAY to feel and be JUST the way you are.
Keep up the good work. Others on here are watching and observing you because you are having great success. Show them the blueprint.

[T384]

Thank you

Counseling went surprisingly well. H really like the MC and the MC really liked H lol.

He said some pretty interesting things to me regarding A. He told H that he needs to be a broken record to me about reassuring me. He gave me some 'scientific' explanation on why cheating shouldn't happen again. Basically H is not a serial cheater, this is the first time he's ever done this. He believes H was very depressed and was in a bad place before this happened which helped him make bad decisions. He also feels that all the things he said, did, posted on fb, his behavior etc, I mind as well considered him to be on drugs. He said he believes H when he says he was questioning what he was doing even though he was doing it. Because the shiny red Campari feels way better than the old sock you wear everyday. I thought of it as an odd analogy but appreciated him giving the other side of the story BUT he definitely did not come off as he was on H side. He really feels we are doing eveything right.

Most of our session was about the A and what happened in the last 6 months. Next week he wants to focus on what we really butt heads about and get more in depth on the conflicts that got us to that point. We did touch on it some.

He wants H to date me, to pursue me. C said he can tell I was pretty much to my done point when H came back so right now H needs to date me all over again and get me to fall in love with him. He said eventually he's going to want me to 'date' him but right now H is the one that needs to do that.

He thinks H should move back in. He said we are doing everything right and getting along. His stance is if you aren't fighting then what will a few months change. So I'm not sure how long I will wait for him to move back in. I want to see how the next few weeks go.

[Ggrass]

To take as much time making your mind up and your decision, it's supposed to be for life. So what does a few weeks matter or even 6motnhs to be very sure. Db is about moving slowly and making it right building slowly is very much ok.

[KGirl]

TO - I'm a little late to this particular topic, but with regard to financials, once you get there, I think there's a place between joint everything and separate everything. Maybe this is what you did and I misread, but many couples will have joint accounts for all joint expenses (kids, food, housing, family vacations, etc.) and contribute monthly/weekly based on incomes to that account to cover those expenses or savings. Whoever makes more contributes more proportionately. Then whats left can go in an individual account for personal expenses (lunch out with friends, manicure, shopping for fun - basically your "fun" money) that you can spend however you want. Joint spending has to be mutually agreed upon. H and I had a rule that if it was a joint expenditure over $100 (say I saw a cute chair for the living room and wanted to get it) that we had to confirm with the other person, otherwise smaller things we did not have to check on. Having clearly defined joint money but also your own personal stash would give you some security and transparency, hopefully.

[woundedfool]

He thinks H should move back in.

Thats the only part where I would like to see a little more specific (or elaborate on) from you or the MC....

When he said H should move back.... is he talking this week? This month?

I do think you should be on a path to create that as a goal (moving back in), but I think it should be a process, and see how little things go. (maybe spend the night.... once you are comfortable, spend the weekend, etc.).

[T384]

He has been spending the night the last few nights. Well really since the holiday weekend. He thinks go ahead and move in as far as now.

I'm still thinking about that

[woundedfool]

He thinks go ahead and move in as far as now.

Who is "he"? H or MC?

I'm still thinking about that

I think it is reasonable to be thinking about this. Convey your concerns, that it is a pace your are comfortable with. Mainly because you don't want to fall into the same "traps" you had before BD.

Are you feeling "pressured" by this question?

BTW, I never really heard if you fully re-read DR & DB?

[T384]

I did re read DR. I don't have DB and really didn't like DB as much as DR when I read it.

He meaning MC sorry.

No I don't feel pressured I would love for H to be home I just don't want to make a mistake and fall into the same bad habits

[woundedfool]

I did re read DR.

What are your thoughts, do you view any parts differently? Or did you absorb/identify with some things differently?

I don't have DB and really didn't like DB as much as DR when I read it.

I felt the same way. However, I still put effort into reading it a couple of times.

Also, IMhO... It felt like DB actually addresses reconciliation better.

No I don't feel pressured I would love for H to be home I just don't want to make a mistake and fall into the same bad habits

How are you communicating that to H and the MC? Remember though this, your H did not yet learn to mind read

[T384]

Sorry for the lack of update things have been pretty busy between work and home repairs still!

I will have to recheck DB out from the library.

H and I have been struggling this last week. Trying to remember my DB principles that I have learned. I have been tested a lot and still don't know if I can overcome letting go of the past although I am really trying

[JCred]

What exactly have you been struggling with this last week?

[Georgiabelle]

Hang in there, TO! I'm cheering out on:)

[T384]

Thanks GB

I will post a more detailed update later in the week once my work week is done

[Sam3]

TO -
How are things going? I'm following your story. Curious to hear how you are doing. I'm struggling with the A.