MY TRAGIC WAW STORY PART IV

[ItHurts]

Yes she sees a counselor regularly and has for years. I know she upped her appointments with her recently. Yes that's exactly what I am doing in my replies to her. Telling her to look forward to her exciting move instead and the new life that awaits her. I told her I hope she feels better soon and that she doesn't need to keep apologizing to me, that I forgave her the first time.
She replied that she is just tired and overly emotional and that once she sees those palm trees she will take a deep sigh of relief. She said it's like she is going through a mourning period over our marriage. She said once she gets closer to moving she will feel stronger. I simply replied with "that's the right attitude! Just think of FL and get some rest. Hope you feel better soon" and I left it at that.

[ItHurts]

I am going to chime in here, and respectfully disagree with a couple of things. These are just my opinions and by no means do I wish to detract from the advice already given.

That being said....

F your W. You are getting played. She is turning you into the ultimate Plan B. It is true she may have things to work out with herself. And it is true she may be confused. But she seems clear headed enough to throw you just enough to have you convinced she will 'come running back to you once her head gets clear' and hope you are still around. What she wants is to go off and have this Florida experience. You better believe she is looking for a better life without you in it. She wants you to be her support while she is looking for it as well. I am not saying she does not still love you, or does not have strong feelings for you. But she has been clear, as I think you recognize, she does not at this moment see her life and your life meshed together as a couple. So drop her and move on.

You were given the advice not to date, as you are not ready. I say forget that. Go out there and date. Nothing says you have to be serious, or find your next wife right away. But go out, have a good time, and if you find someone who has potential, go with it. I know you are hurting, but just like with a physical injury, the best therapy is to use what ever it is that got hurt.

I was an advocate of you not having that talk. I still think you should not have. Only because YOU lay your cards out there with 100% honesty. And you have to trust she is doing the same. Not a fair game. She knows where you are, and you know where she wants you to think she is. Moving on is your only option at this point. And as much as I feel your pain on this, you have to believe in your heart and mind that there is another person out there for you. Moping around the house under the guise of 'healing' does not help. Kind of like having kids. Everyone says they want to wait till they are ready to have kids. But who is really ready?

I am not saying go cold turkey on your W right now either. But I would definitely wind things down at YOUR own pace, and at a pace that makes it easiest for YOU. So when she calls up crying a few weeks after she gets there (which she will if for no other reason to keep you on the fringe) you can have that detachment. She needs to know her decisions have consequences. At this point, it is NOT you who is throwing your M away, she did.

I hate to seem cold or mean spirited, but you have been through a rough time, and you deserve to be free of this cycle.

Hi Pilot, thanks for the advice. One piece of info I should mention is WAW knows about the other lady friend I have been seeing and she is under the impression that I am going to be pursuing things with her. In reality lady friend and I have cooled things off a bit but one of the vets mentioned that the jealousy factor works in my favor so I kept that threat alive. So as of right now, WAW thinks I am going to be with this other lady. She isn't happy about it as she said "Great, OW is going to reap the benefits of my work. She is a lucky lady." This way WAW knows I am not just going to be sitting around waiting for her. WAW also knows very well, as I told her this much, that I cannot guarantee that I won't be happy with someone else if and when she decides she wants to try R. I told her chances are this is it for us as far as being romantic partners go. So she most definitely isn't thinking I'm her Plan B. As of now I am a friend to her and that's it. That's all I am going to be to her going forward...a supportive friend who will help her when I can. But she knows that last night's meeting was it...that was the closure for both of us as far as saving our marriage goes. There will be no more talks about it. The only interactions we will have will be friendship based, just as I am friends with my guy pals. So I don't know that I agree that she is setting me up as Plan B. If she is she clearly knows I am not a reliable Plan B in terms of a relationship. The only Plan B she can consider me being is as a friend because that's all I am going to be for her from now on. I told her that I thanked her for the immense clarity she provided me last night by saying she's not ready for R. That it enables me to move on without wondering if there was more I could do. I think that song happening to be on the radio when I started my car to drive away really got to her. She said it was stuck in her head all day. So I am just playing it cool now, I don't have any more energy to exert on her. I am exhausted and I am relieved to put this to bed. I got my answers, we came to an agreement that we are friends, and that's where I'm leaving it as far as I'm concerned. The rest of the stuff she can own and figure out.

[pilot]

The only Plan B she can consider me being is as a friend because that's all I am going to be for her from now on..

So if she shows up at your door tonight crying saying she is not going to Florida and she realizes she wants to be with you forever and will do whatever it takes, you will send her packing?

I am not picking on you buddy. I am on your side. I wish had I had more time to write, but I have to go pick up my kiddos from school.

[MrBond]

"I simply replied with "that's the right attitude! Just think of FL and get some rest. Hope you feel better soon" and I left it at that."

Personally I think you are being TOO nice to her. Now is the time to just go dark on her. You have to let her mind wander to what you MIGHT be doing right now.

[ItHurts]

The only Plan B she can consider me being is as a friend because that's all I am going to be for her from now on..

So if she shows up at your door tonight crying saying she is not going to Florida and she realizes she wants to be with you forever and will do whatever it takes, you will send her packing?

I am not picking on you buddy. I am on your side. I wish had I had more time to write, but I have to go pick up my kiddos from school.

Well that's obviously a tough question to answer since it's not even 24 hours after our talk. I guess I would need proof. I would need her to agree to go down to the courthouse and cancel the divorce. That would prove it to me...well that and cancelling Florida. Hard to say what I would do. Actually I probably wouldn't do anything until I came here and checked with you all.

"I simply replied with "that's the right attitude! Just think of FL and get some rest. Hope you feel better soon" and I left it at that."

Personally I think you are being TOO nice to her. Now is the time to just go dark on her. You have to let her mind wander to what you MIGHT be doing right now.

Oh she "knows" what my plan is Mr. Bond. She's been under the impression that my lady friend is waiting in the wings to swoop in once I settled things with WAW. With the closure WAW gave me last night, she thinks I will be bringing the good news to my lady friend tonight that we can forge ahead. She's not happy about that at all but she tries to act like she is happy for me. So I'm sure she will be uneasy tonight knowing that she essentially enabled me to tell lady friend that her "competition" is eliminated. So basically WAW is going to be thinking about me with lady friend tonight as a truly free man. I did this by design to keep the jealousy factor alive. So far today in WAW's e-mails she's already made snide remarks like "Oh well lady friend is going to reap the rewards of my work. She's a lucky girl." Of course I wanted to say to WAW "YOUR work??" Really? But I didn't want to start an argument so I just ignored that part of her e-mail in my reply.

[ItHurts]

I do want to ask you guys though. Since those of you who have been following this tale of mine since the beginning know all the details; how do you all see this playing out?

Now my plan is this, I am, as Mr. Bond said, going to go dark but only to a degree. This means that say, maybe 95% of the time I will only reply to messages she initiates. I will initiate the other 5% in such a way as I keep in contact with all my guy friends. I won't reach out to her with my problems, etc. So in that respect I will be mostly going dark unless she contacts me.

However I am really, really curious...how do you guys see this thing playing out given all that you know about my sitch? I am especially interested in vets' opinions here who know their stuff. I am just curious what's in your heads as far as my current sitch goes and how you see it going in the future. Not asking for hope or anything here, just your opinions of how this will all go down.

[MrBond]

"how do you guys see this thing playing out given all that you know about my sitch?"

Quite honestly, asking for other people's thoughts on this won't help you or your sitch. It tends to put expectations in you even if you don't mean them to.

Your situation is different from others because everyone is different.

I could tell you that in cases I've seen where the WAS doesn't explore their options, they end up being resentful of the LBS and blame them for "keeping them hostage", etc. and other such nonsense.

I've seen some spouses come back and some who don't. It depends on your W and her thoughts. Not yours. You can only control you and become the best man possible. She's the one whose ultimately going to have to decide if you are the best man for her.

All of that stuff she's been saying about how great you are, etc. is just the confusion she's working through. You told her you can't be her friend if she's gone and that you will be moving on. That's why she keeps testing you. Don't give in and just go dark. Go and enjoy YOUR LIFE without worrying if it's going to affect your W in some negative way.

[ItHurts]

Okay well a I said, last night I told her I would be her friend. I mean we're not going to talk every day...or even every week...but that I would be her friend. So now you think I should just ignore her again? I am fairly certain she is going to contact me again soon and as Sandi said, I don't want to keep flip-flopping on her...which I would be doing if I "unfriended" her now again. Perhaps I should just be a "distant" friend, one that she hears from once a month or something. I will leave it to her to contact me though. I will reply as a friend. I really don't want to now cut her off again after I just befriended her last night. Isn't is possible to be a friend without being her emotional crutch and support? Just a casual friend who offers generic advice? That way I can "kind of" go dark on her without shutting her out completely. I just don't want to flip-flop yet again now and unfriend her less than 24 hours after I agreed to be her friend. For now I am just letting her stew on the thoughts of me with my lady friend tonight. I know it is weighing on her mind that she "set me free" to be with her now. Maybe let her deal with that for a couple days. If she texts me tonight I will simply reply "can't talk now" and let her wonder what I'm doing.

Headed out to work so I won't be on here until after 11ish tonight but I will be back to reply. Thanks guys.

[MrBond]

"So now you think I should just ignore her again?"

There's a big difference between going dark and "ignoring" her. It just means that you aren't going to be available every single time she contacts you. Your first priority is to you and what you have going on rather than her.

[ItHurts]

Ahh perfect then Mr. Bond. That's kind of what I had already planned to do...I describe it as a "distant" friend...where I reply but it might take me a day or so to reply...that kind of thing. Where I leave it to her to contact me. If she calls I will let voice mail pick up and call back at a later time. She will not be my first priority. I can do that. Okay, headed to work, be back later to reply guys. I have a feeling I'll hear from her again before the day is out but I will fill you in when I return from work this evening. I won't reply to her until I post here first though or maybe even wait until tomorrow to reply if she does indeed contact me tonight. Thanks for the posts above guys and any posts that come in while I am at work. You guys are the best.