Shining, It's one step at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. If you make a mistake, don't beat yourself up. Just get up, dust yourself off and continue to move forward. You are going to have ups and downs and you know what? You will feel the pain, hurt and disappointment, but when it's time, you will rinse those feelings away and you will become stronger each and every time this happens.
You are right where you should be at this this time. Always remember, the man upstairs has your h in his hands and he's working on repairing the internal damage each and every day. So, you do not need to continue to hold the rope so tight. Drop it and allow him to take care of your h.
Your journey will be one of many twists and turns, but I can promise you this, you will not be the same person who stepped onto the path at the beginning of his crisis. You will become more aware of your surroundings and more compassionate and yes, laughter will return and it's the best medicine for what ails you. When you laugh/smile, the whole world will join you. Stay positive.
You are going to be just fine.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think Katy Perry wrote this song for us-LBS-ers. I promise you, there will come a point when you WILL be able to sing this song with confidence.
Now I’m floating like a butterfly Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes I went from zero, to my own hero
You're in the thick of it right now...the day is coming when you turn around and realize YOU REALLY ARE YOUR OWN HERO. :-)
Quote:
"Roar"
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath Scared to rock the boat and make a mess So I sat quietly, agreed politely I guess that I forgot I had a choice I let you push me past the breaking point I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!) Already brushing off the dust You hear my voice, you hear that sound Like thunder gonna shake the ground You held me down, but I got up (HEY!) Get ready 'cause I’ve had enough I see it all, I see it now
[Chorus] I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire 'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar Louder, louder than a lion 'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar Oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh You’re gonna hear me roar
Now I’m floating like a butterfly Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes I went from zero, to my own hero
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!) Already brushing off the dust You hear my voice, you hear that sound Like thunder gonna shake the ground You held me down, but I got up (HEY!) Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough I see it all, I see it now
[Chorus] I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire ‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar Louder, louder than a lion ‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar Oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh You’re gonna hear me roar Oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh You'll hear me roar Oh oh oh oh oh oh You're gonna hear me roar...
Ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire ‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar Louder, louder than a lion ‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar Oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh You’re gonna hear me roar Oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh You'll hear me roar Oh oh oh oh oh oh You're gonna hear me roar...
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Shining I am just catching up on your sitch and I so understand the push and pull you have been feeling. I struggle so much balancing hope with detachment as well. Each time it does seem to get a little easier though.
Your last post was beautiful. There's a reason God has put us on this journey along with our MLCers, I hope for you and me and all the others that our Ms survive. But we are going to grow regardless into the people He meant for us to be.
Be kind to yourself- you are awesome!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
You seem to know what you want and don't want. I like what Job said and I've been told the same thing...take it step by step, day by day, hour by hour.
It's so hard to focus on the positives when your world has come crashing down fast. You are a strong woman and it is seen in your posts all over this board. Keep going and keep trusting God's plan.
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
I've been in very heavy job-hunting mode all week. I will go to my 4th interview tomorrow. One recruiter spent an hour with me, just coaching me on this one particular opportunity...it is very high level and high paycheck. High stress. Far away. I don't even know if I want it. A year ago I would have jumped at this opportunity. Now? Meh. I just want to live a simple life. I'm not thinking clearly and it concerns me.
I finally decided I needed to tell H about my job sitch. I got really nervous about being venom spewed at again and how my PMA didn't need that right now....and I shut down for a bit.
I've been maintaining status quo with communication.... Not initiating. Being short but friendly.
Then yesterday I went NC because I was stressed out. I resent being in this position he put us in. I resent being a single parent because he promised me I would never be again. He married us as a family and here we are....alone. Jerk.
So I stopped responding to anything all day. I just didn't feel like it. I'm busy. I have more important things to do, and I'm certainly not first on his list, why should he be on mine?
So we have had this unspoken "code" since s, (actually since suicide attempt) that if a long time has gone with no communication, knowing we need space, and one of us texts "are u ok?" the other can just answer yes and that's all that's needed. So H finally asked if I was ok and I just responded yes. H was worried, er...said he was worried. I stopped responding for a long time after that, too. H kept asking, but in a surprisingly respectful way. I decided I'll reward the respectful behavior, and I opened up. I knew I would have to tell him eventually, anyway.
I texted him that I was having a difficult day, but nothing that he needed to worry about and that I would be ok. This is the first time since S that I showed H any sign of vulnerability or that things weren't always 100% of the time fabulous. In doing this, I showed him I'm still human, but I didn't completely break down.
I added that I didn't need anything from him, but I would appreciate him listening because I needed to tell him something. H offered to pick me up on his way home from work and talk. So we did, and he was actually not angry or monster at all like I had expected. He wasn't sad for me, empathy chip still broken, but he immediately jumped into solution mode. <<<< (His comfort zone). Asked me to send him my resume if I wanted, and he would look at it... Ask around etc. He seemed supportive, as much as an unemotional selfish a$$hat can be.
He took me to dinner. Conversation was friendly, like two strangers dating. I validated my butt off. I listened and repeated. I made eye contact and smiled. I DBed like crazy. H noticed. He commented a lot on my appearance, then it seemed he was almost resenting it....then he would tear up. He was all over the place and desperately trying to hide it.
The only awkward moment was when something came up regarding my kids' dad, (my xh) and H asked me if there has been a lot of communicating recently between us. I said yes a little more than usual, but mostly about sons, graduation, etc. H then asked if my xh and I were planning on reconciling......ummmm NO. That was a really ridiculous question, but H was completely serious and even seemed afraid to ask it.... What is that? Xh lives on the other side of the country it's not like we even have a r.....
He is very much a teenager. Arrogant. He was actually very shy in jr high and high school. He talked about apartment hunting. Where he's looking, what he's looking for, etc. I kind of wanted to scream. We are married and I'm sitting across the table from this stranger telling me about his prospective bachelor pads... Trust the process.... Ok.
After dinner, H said he needed to stop at the pharmacy. He hemmed and hawed about whether I should stay in the car or go in with him. He was nervous. He asked me several times if I needed anything...clearly nervous. Normally I would offer a solution but I just STFU and let him decide and work it out. <<<<< whoopie, new me:). He was at one point even considering leaving parking lot because he couldn't decide.... He finally said oh I'll just go in the drive thru I guess. Then we pulled up, and the pharmacist read his 4 scripts out loud.... And I realized why H hesitated. One was for a special male functioning med that h never took when we were together. I didn't even react. No judgment. Could have even been a test. No matter. If THAT was all I had to grapple with in this whole mess, and he's worried about being judged on a medication???
Manliness before morals, I suppose.
He dropped me off and said a quick hi to D13. He was so close to normal, I wanted him to stay. But I didn't ask him in. I wouldn't anyway. My sons would not be ok with that. H has a lot of damage to repair and he is no where near close to realizing that.
I am even more certain than ever H doesn't want to lose me. He won't admit any wrongdoing on his part yet. He can't figure out what he wants. I can feel him want me when he hugs me. But it's as though he convinces himself it won't work, and changes the subject.... He's still bouncing.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
Well, we are pretty close to having every resemblance of our "old r", and everything in it, completely destroyed.
A year ago we had 7 of us in a big house, lots of friends, family, Christmas and other holidays, vacations, family time on our boat, dinner together most nights as a family at the table, cooked and cleaned together.....
NOW? Family split apart, friends distant now, no holidays together, boat gone. House is gone: closing on the 22nd. H soon living in another city: secured an apartment with a year lease. My S18 leaves the nest in November. I no longer have a job to go to..not yet.
I feel plucked from earth and placed on another planet.
With all the house details getting finalized, I have had quite a bit of contact with h lately. It has surprisingly not hurt me like it used to. My mantra has been working; "DETACH. Trust the process. Zero expectations. Accept that this is who he is today, and this is all he can give today."
So, ow is still gone, officially broke up according to sd19, but idk if h will see her when she returns from her month long trip. I have reason to believe h has developed an affinity for online porn, and has been placing ads and trying his hand at online dating. I know he has gone out a few times. I do not believe he is finding this to be a successful venture. He is learning. If he falls madly in love with someone, what am I gonna do? If that's what he wants instead of me, so be it. I just don't think it is....
One of the things I noticed when with him (looking fabulous, of course), is I catch him looking at me when I'm turned away. He always comments about my appearance, but it's not a typical "compliment".... Hard to explain, and can't think of an example at the moment. He makes comments that may seem obscure, but they are insightful. I made mention almost 2 weeks ago when h was blowing his nose, that his allergies must be coming on because of the time of year. This was so minor, but h has now brought it up at least three times, that I really know him because he didn't remember it was his allergy season, and ever since I said that, it makes so much sense... I know I'm not writing this in a way that conveys the depth of this, but hopefully the idea is there. Also, a few other things h mentioned that did or said about him because I know him so well and I have always accepted certain things about him ...as if mentally he's comparing these things to someone who doesn't know him, and didn't accept something...idk. It is evident, but hard to put into words.
He took me to dinner several times this past week after house stuff. He makes plans to do things with me afterward, but then he gets tired. This time, I believe he really is tired and not getting rid of me to meet someone else. He looks tired by 8 or 9:00. He makes many comments about him being too old to go out late. He apologizes a lot for cutting the evening short (even though I prefer it this way).
Today, H texted a question about the house as my son and I were walking into church. I responded that I'm headed into church, and I'll get back afterward. H then sent, "oh ok enjoy with xxxxx". (name of really good looking single guy from our high school that told me about this church but I don't actually speak with him ever....)
I responded lol I'm not with xxxx. I'm with s16. H sent "it's ok".
Wha? That text is really weird. Don't you just want to climb into their heads sometimes and figure out what they are thinking?
I completely know what you mean about the allergy comment and the depth of it. Moms and wives are good at that stuff and sometimes it's just expected or written off but little things like that really do say that you know someone well. I might have been a light bulb moment for him. Not that he'll do anything with that light bulb moment but he can't deny that you know him.
(((hugs))) hang in there. Your life has really been turned upside down, shaken around and put back down for you to put back together. It's alarming to me that ONE person can do this to an entire family. Because of that I'm not sure I'll ever feel settled again.
Oooooohhhh.... is he insecure about that, or what? Hmmmm.. do you think he texted that time bc he was wondering if you were going there?
He is definitely noticing you. Checking you out, taking you to dinner, and really the more personal things, like him realizing your acknowledgment of his allergies. He's thinking.... that's good. I wouldn't push it... allow him the time/space to thinks.
You are amazing! You are keeping a steady hand. Atta girl! That's the toughest at first, I think. But once you can establish that, you can move along much faster and realize that no matter what, you will be OK. You are a quick learner, Shining. No matter what happens, you will be AMAZING! Keep it up, girlie! Let him THINK! (That's the only way the get anywhere, right?) Oh yeah... think and FEEL! and acknowledge those thoughts and feelings....
Happy Labor Day! I hope it's nice in your neck of the woods.
H also went on and on about his awesome apartment complex he'll move into, and how he needed x,y,z... And he finally found everything at this one place that's brand new and really nice....like an excited 18 year old moving on his own for the first time. I just want to clock him upside the head.
I had 2 options due to kids and school district, and not disrupting them more than necessary because THAT'S WHAT RESPONSIBLE GROWN UPS DO. I have none of the amenities H NEEDS and GOT for himself and whatever ho-bag he brings back to the pad.... Gross. I'm sorry, h. I can't even feign excitement for you.
So as he's telling me this, what do I do? (Be proud, k?)
STFU and listen DB my buns off Validate his feelings Smile
I said (not excited, couldn't do it....but calmly with a smile I pulled it off), "Wow, you must be so relieved to have that behind you. That will be nice for you having x,y,z at your new place. ".
I was NOT over the top. Enough, but at some point, h either caught himself or I leaked a real feeling in my face, steam coming out of my ears...idk something.
H said, "I suppose it's not like you're going to be super excited for me or anything since you were so limited when you got yours." Almost apologetic. Guilt, perhaps? Nah.
I said, "You're right. I didn't have the choices you have. But you seem excited and I have always wanted you to be happy. You have to learn what that is for yourself, and if this apartment is what makes you happy."
......crickets.....
It was overall friendly. After a hug goodbye, h kisses me. Long hug. More hugs. Since the ow is gone, H always texts me after going home, saying he had a great time. And he always apologizes for something really small, or something he wanted to do but didn't, ran out of time, got tired, etc. same pattern tho. "Great time...", "I'm sorry...." Then almost always a "Goodnight".
H has tons of energy when others are around. Talks more than he used to. Then he gets a tiny bit irritable, then sad. He looks sad. >sigh<
That's EXACTY how it was for us during the winter. EXACTLY! I probably should have been on this forum for advice at that point... I was merely a reader/observer. I don't have any advice, because, obviously I did it all wrong. Hmmmm... anyway... I had no control over his actions. Yet... that time is difficult. Hang in there an listen to the vets. The only thing I CAN offer is support. Stay strong and positive. You can do this.
