barely holding on - 2

[mindsin]

I feel you u-turn. I usually have down days at the end of the week too.

[u-turn]

Last nights exchange:
I was look at this site on my phone when my W walked up behind me and my reaction was to turn my phone over. She was taken back by this and said "you can do what you want" I asked what she meant and she said "you need to do what you need to do". she then left.

I texted her a message that said

I am actively trying to improve myself, look deep and improve my faults. So I can become a better person. This is something that I want For myself and hopefully us. This is what I am doing.

If you think that I am hiding something or telling you lies, you are mistaken.
Just ask me.

(I didnt send this but it is my draft yet (probably wont send):
and by actively, I mean digging deep into what I feel that I am or was lacking, researching, and following a program for self improvement. I am making real changes in myself that I can feel and I am proud of.)
I probably shouldn't send that one. maybe just leave that alone. thoughts?

Later in the night she came home and sat by me

m: what did you mean by I need to do what I need to do?
W: if you want a divorce you are free to do that
m: I know
m: that is not what I ultimately want.
m: is it what you want?
W: No
m: You are free to make your own decisions too. You are not trapped
W: I know I am not trapped
m: Something need to happen though
W: I know

This may not seem like much to anyone else, but this type of conversation hasn't happened.

I don't know where it will lead, but I will step back a little now. I don't think it is good.

[sandi2]

I am actively trying to improve myself, look deep and improve my faults. So I can become a better person. This is something that I want For myself and hopefully us. This is what I am doing.

Look, you can't have those conversations with her. You can't be explaining how you are working to improve yourself. Let her think whatever she wants to think about you turning your phone over. Certainly do not come back later to discuss or ask why she said what she did and quickly assuring her where you stand.

It helps if the LBH has an air of some mystery. It would be a good thing if she was interested enough about your phone activity to "wonder" about it. Even MWD says to be a little mysterious sometimes. I'm not saying to lie or try to deceive her to think you are having an A or something. But why do you feel you have to explain what you do? This seems to be common among several LBH's when they first arrive, so hopefully you will stop explaining your actions to her.

Your WAW should see her LBH having a carefree attitude about her statements, instead of making a big deal about it. B/c when a man make a big deal out of something like that......it makes him appear like a Jr. High School drama queen. He needs to be cool and not affected by what she might be thinking about his actions. That is a sign he has detached, when these little things do not bug him....and he doesn't feel the need to justify himself to her.

[u-turn]

Sandi-Thanks
Right. Sometimes hard for me to shut up.

Likely she's thinking that I'm getting my ducks in a row for planning a D. She seems to have hinted at that at times. Probably doesn't matter what she thinks though.

[u-turn]

Sandi-
Sometimes I think it would still help if I were to be completely transparent to show her what I would want. I have never cared if she looked at my phone or e-mail or anything. she could ask me anything and I would tell her. I never had anything to hide.
That is probably where the thought of explaining what I was doing came from

But that thinking is probably flawed now. I can't make her do anything, follow my lead, convince her that there is a better way.

[Old Dog]

Sometimes I think the same thing u-turn, especially since I came across a page in a notebook she journaled in.

Thinly disguised link to my Old Dog thread

[u-turn]

I feel a little dumb that I have made mistakes that some of the vets have warned me of. I think this is due to fact that I may be acting like I am detaching instead of actually detaching. I am not giving up. I don't have any other ideas.

I still have a very hard time letting go of the feeling that I am waiting for this to end and we can start over. I am usually a person that completely plans for (and almost expects) the worst to happen so I am usually pleasantly surprised that something positive happens. It's how I get through most of my stressful times (it helps me focus and work harder).

This weekend's goal, though it seems small. keep a pleasant look on my face, PMA, do not engage in any conversation with W about us or her or me. That's it - baby steps for me.

It will seem like I am just playing her game, because that is exactly what she is doing (act like there are no issues, pleasant look, no conversation about anything except work, weather, blah blah).(funny - in ways she seems to be doing a much better job at DBing than I am). I've read in other posts that there is "mirroring" and I see this to a point.

Thanks for everyone's help

[u-turn]

Had a WONDERFUL dinner and night with the entire family. W, kids, kids friends.
It was so good.
WTF
I don't know why it has to be so F'd up! I don't understand!
Sorry for venting.

[u-turn]

Dinner last night was great. Showing her how good things were and could be again - I don't feel she is getting it. I thanked her and said I had great time and she responded that it was good and it's been a long time.

Just a quick question to anyone:
I don't feel like she's conflicted at all by this and really hasn't been. She is either really good at hiding what is going on in her head or she really doesn't care that this is happening.

Is it possible that someone can change into a totally different person, a person who only cares about herself, in such a short time? Is it possible that the other person is gone and this is the new person?

[raliced]

Hi U-Turn,

No - I don't think it is possible to change so completely in that time, at least not permanently. That being said- I'm going through something similar with my H and I sure find myself thinking "who is this stranger?" an awful lot. So I hear you!

I think the much quoted line about not believing anything they say and only what they half of what they do (or how they behave)is what you have to hang your hat on.