advice needed - please help

[LisaB]

Stacey, you are doing so great! Good for you that you can be upbeat and not say anything about OW! I am super impressed.

Like the others have said, try not to think too much about him and the OW. It doesn't help you. But yeah I know that is easy to say and hard to do. Someone said they imagine a giant stop sign when they have unwanted thoughts.

It sounds like being positive and friendly might be your best assets for now, and also good that you are consulting an L. It's good to know you'll be ok financially.

Good luck! We are on your side! Hugs, Lisa B

[stacey9]

Thanks so much Lisa I think your positive attitude is helping me!

I don't think your gut instinct will be wrong!

Take care. X

[stacey9]

Hi just a quick update - have just found out h is on a weeks vacation with ow. Feel so sad and emotional wondering where they are and thinking about all the happy memories they are creating together.

I only found out when I texted him about a hospital appt for son and he said he would not be back for it. No explanation, he told son last week he was going away for a few days no more info.

Should I mention anything about it when he comes back or just continue with my friendly upbeat demeanour?

Sad and lonely tonight x

[dawgy]

Hey Stacey , dawgy here i can feel your sadness and lonliness. Im right there with you on that one but we must remember this is a marathon not a sprint . This is gonna take time . His affair wont likely last according to statistics so if you truly want him back you are gonna have to be patient patient patient . Go back and read sandis rules and try to get that fighter attitude . Never give up attitude , you can prevail here .Your husband is like my wife , they dont know what they want , they made a huge mistake and the only way they can justify it is to play it out and see where it goes . Stats say 95 percent or more of these relationships dont last , so if you have the mindset to hang in then you will prevail > Even after divorces are final , something like 15 percent reconcile , so dont give up . Have some fun while he s doing his thing . When he sees that it will make him interested .

[stacey9]

Thank you so much Dawgy you always make me feel better!

I hope you're right. Sometimes I think it might be easier if h was playing the field and was not in a steady r with someone.

I just hope Christmas May trigger some positive memories for him it was always such a happy time for us.

And I do have a lot to be thankful for- I have 2 great kids who believe it to be morally wrong to leave a long marriage to be with an op, I have a nice home, good friends, a job and a dog I adore!

I am reading db and have ordered dr.

Trying to keep a positive attitude!

Thanks again x

[dawgy]

Stace it makes me feel great that i can make you feel better . This is another one of the benefits of this forum . Not only can we get help but we can give help too . Its great , like Cali said ,where would we be if we hadnt found DB ? Its funny you said you would be more comfortable if your H was playing the field rather than one woman . I totally get that , but think about it , how do you know he isnt ? He could very well be cheating on her too . This is very common from what i hear . I know my W was seeing or spending time with several other men , not just the OM . So if it makes you feel better , dont rule that out . I believe they do this to find out what they really want . Dawgy ps I like talking to you , keep posting hun

[stacey9]

Just an update- h round today just back from vacation looking tanned and relaxed. He spoke to kids for ten minutes then came to see me. He chatted for around twenty minutes about son, house and general stuff.

I am so pleased I made no snide remarks about his holiday I just kept it all pleasant and friendly and he seemed in no hurry to leave. He even offered to do a job for me.

I know this isn't much but to me this is a big change!

Of course he is still going home to the ow and it could be just guilt that's making him nicer to me but it's so much better than him not talking at all.

I just pray there's still hope for our m.

[dawgy]

Stacey hun, where are you and how have you been ???

[PeterV2]

Stacey, just read your thread.
Tough stuff. You'll be getting good advice here from all the posters.
Definitely read DR. I recommend it more than DB. Especially read the section entitled "when s/he won't end the affair". I found that section absolutely critical to my sanity and approach.
I too thought it was over. I even had and apt with the D L in January, but cancelled it when W came over one day and indicated a desire to fix things. Although it wasn't a week later she was back with OM.
So you see it's a real rollercoaster. Strap yourself in for the ride. You'll have good days and bad days.
Try not to think about OW and what H is doing. He is going through a MLC. He will lie and rewrite your history to justify his actions. Just ignore those word when they come out of his mouth. I know it really hurts, but realize he's f**ked in the head right now and it will take time for him to wake up. In the meantime take care of yourself. Sounds like you're doing good with the running and gardening. You may want to try to do that home reno project yourself or with a girlfriend or your kids. Don't lure him into doing it. When he sees you doing it he'll become curious.
Mystery and curiosity are your allies right now.
Remember, affairs don't last. It may be another 6 months or a year but soon enough it'll run its course. You need to be patient and work on yourself.

[stacey9]

hi - thanks so much Dawgy for checking in with me. I have been reading your threads and know you're going through tough times just now. I hope you're better today. I didn't offer any advice because I sometimes feel if my advice was any good then I wouldn't be in the position I'm in!

And thanks Peter - great advice, I am reading DR just now and I do prefer it to DB. I feel as though I am being scolded for doing all the wrong things in the run up to H leaving. He told me in August he was leaving but did not leave until January. If I had read DR then I think I could have shown him my best self and although he would still have left, it may have planted a little doubt in his mind. Instead I was sulky, sullen, moody, insecure, all the things he hated about me, and he was glad to get away from. Straight into the arms of the OW who he is still with now.

I still have good days and bad days. On my good days I am enjoying my new fitness regime, my job, my kids and also just enjoying watching movies and sipping wine at weekends!

On my bad days I just cannot get it out of my head that he has chosen this OW who he will think is prettier, smarter and sexier than me, and he seems to be so serious with her I am consumed with jealousy. But I continue to show H my best side, I am friendly, upbeat and not at all insecure or jealous. I think he has noticed this. We have now been apart 8 months and during that time I have only felt a connection between us a couple of times. And by connection I mean when our eyes met for a few seconds and I felt something was still there. I don't honestly know if he felt anything at all, but I know I could not get involved with anyone else while I still feel this way about him.

So I will continue to try and GAL, be mysterious, and the project in the house is an excellent idea - thanks Peter.

Thanks again for your posts, I really appreciate it.

Take care
Stacey x