The Amoeba Whisperer: "It's All Dog Training!"

[GoatGal]

Thanks, Beatrice,

The bill-paying thing sounds odd, but he's the sole wage earner and has it set up with direct deposit with his paycheck and most bills are paid on auto-draft.
I get confirmation emails and text alerts, have access to all accounts.

I have credit cards, debit cards, checks... ATM.
He has never tried to limit my spending, or give me grief about it.

Of course, I am considerate.

But I am free to do as I please---for now---within limits.

Believe me, I keep an eye on things.
Although before the you-know-what hit the fan, I trusted him implicitly.

I don't any longer.

We tried splitting up different things, then just me paying bills... it was a mess because we didn't talk much in person,...

I am fine with him continuing to do this because he prides himself on being a good provider and the one thing he likes to remind me that he hasn't done to me (yet) is that he is keeping the finances as they were, not hiding money...etc.

I hope that explains it.

If I see anything fishy, believe me, I'm all over it.

---GGG

[GoatGal]

POSSIBLE RELATIONSHIP TALK TOMORROW!!! I am circling the wagons and calling my DBing posse. I am going to need some help with finding the right words.

I need to go over my script so I'm really, really prepared.

It has been a rough week.
-----------------------

Also---I am kicking myself for not realizing this sooner, but it finally hit me why I'm in such a funk.
It is coming up on a year to the day when I "Lost my innocence" about my M and what my H was capable of doing.
Before I "knew" what I knew.

The weather is the same, that similar pregnant feeling in the air...
I remember the last few weeks of summer last year when things were so odd between us, yet he wasn't talking.
I remember feeling really really sick around this time, not knowing why.
My hair was falling out... among other things.

However, I was still ignorantly happy, figuring he was going through something and being a man, he'd figure it out.
Boy was I wrong...

Then it was our anniversary, not a card, not a word, not anything---he picked a fight over PIZZA---I had another cancer scare, he ignored this, he was treating me terribly, I discovered OW, and he turned officially into the shark-eyed pod person.

I guess prior to that he was just pretending to be a good man.
-----------------------------------------

So I believe that's what I'm reacting to deep down, why I'm so sad, so tired of this, why all this stuff is bubbling to the surface.
I wasn't sure until I got a rare nap today, and when I opened my eyes--it HIT me like a ton of bricks and I started crying.

It's the anniversary of when my dreams died.
---------------------------

Anyhow, gather round the campfire, let Cooky rustle up some vittles and a few jugs of STFU juice, and prepare to brainstorm about how to save the old Triple G ranch!

---GGG

[GoatGal]

I might just get one chance at this, at least to move things in a positive direction, so I need all the help I can get.

I believe he has been waiting for ME to make the first move.
(Not fair, not manly, but so it goes.)
I think this because he mentioned the basement bathroom was finally done, he'd been working on it every weekend for weeks, it was the one thing holding him back from moving into the basement, but when I just said "That's nice", he never brought it up again.

He seems to take a lot of direction from me... always has.


HISTORY of R TALKS:

After the time I caught him texting another female employee back and forth in the middle of the night in early June, he cut off my phone account from his. He lied and said she was "not an employee".
(Yes. Better for me to think that he had a new OW than he was being borderline inappropriate with another employee.)

I said that "I knew that she WAS an employee"... and he said it "was none of my business"...all that.

Of course, he could have just told the truth... but I digress...

I said it IS my business if he gets fired because we all depend on him.
He almost got fired LAST TIME because OW was a direct subordinate and he supervised her daily. At the very least, they would have split them up, possibly to other states. So yes. A BIG DEAL.

But at the end of this text war about him texting people he shouldn't be, I said something about "I can't do this anymore. I just can't."

He says--"What do you mean? Do you want to talk about this?"
And then he called me. (We hadn't been speaking much on the phone.)
I wonder if he thinks I was suicidal or something.

Definitely not, but I was ready to walk away, or sign the papers, or something.
Kind of like where I am now. Just DONE with this.
And every time I've called my lawyer, he has called his immediately, to check what I'm up to.
There's nothing I could do but SPEED UP THE DIVORCE, and I don't believe that's what he wants.

If he did want that, he could be applying pressure, which he has not. He seems content with the way things are.
He hasn't gotten his own place, or even looked at anything.

It's bizarre. IT's GUBU!
-------------------------------
Anyhow...sorry for the rambling...

I said I felt that he was "bullying me with the fact that he could control the phones, the bank accounts... that he treats me like an employee and it's abusive."
"It makes me feel threatened and uncared for."

He asked: "What can I do to make you feel more secure?".

* He said he didn't believe that he ever used his financial "power" against me. (Poor memory)
* He said that his lawyer has repeatedly told him to separate the finances but that he has said he doesn't want to do this to me.
(Which is one reason why "separated" is kind of a joke. I believe he'd still be here if I hadn't kicked him out! I think he was shocked that I did. How weird is that?)

Anyhow,
I totally blew it.
"How could he make me feel more secure?"

I said he "could listen to what I had to say without getting defensive, for a start, that I wanted to be able to talk about MY FEELINGS without it turning into a blow-up."

The ONE thing he is NOT willing to do is to look inward, deal with emotions or conflict. He can't handle my feelings, much less his own.
He has always been this way.

I didn't yell, I didn't criticize, I was sort of crying... and at this statement he blew up and said:
"That's not going to happen GGG. I want a Di-VORCE!"
(I guess I missed where getting a divorce means you don't have to discuss anything? Is it a pass on listening and resolving conflict?
Hardly!!!)

The "Di-VORCE!!!!!" is what he always throws up in my face when the convo takes a turn he doesn't like.

He has never said it to me or mentioned it except in anger, in a petulant teenage voice.
In other words, I have never heard it from my Husband, only from GUBU. Which to me means it doesn't count.

I responded to his "I wanna Di-VORCE!!!" with:
"That's FINE! Really. I totally agree!
I don't want to be married to a man who can't handle life and has no coping skills. I want you to be a man, to deal with this, to stop running away from things..."

And he stopped cold... as he has before. And he just listened to me talk.


*I said I believed that he only filed to beat me to the punch because he was afraid that I would,
* that his heart was never in it, (he did let it lapse until I pushed the issue) and
* that he only re-instated it because he was angry.
* that he has things he needs to deal with that have nothing to do with me, and never did.
* that I understand that he needs space, but D isn't the way to fix things, because there is no going back.
*that I have done nothing to warrant such a serious action... all that stuff.
(I had fallen off the DBing wagon at this point, I think LaBug came to my rescue that morning!!!)
He didn't even disagree.

He actually listened and validated me.
Said he'd skip coming that night because he was "afraid I'd blow up at him". (I never did get angry, only cried.)

He came up the next night but asked ahead of time if I was "OK with no contact".
I was. I preferred it.
After this I went really dark and I think things went south between us.
-------------------------------------
I think on some level if I asked him to come home and I would just drop everything, he would come home.

Not that he would change his behavior or anything! I'm not THAT naive.

It's just that we always said this was not a "one person venture" which is why I allowed him to stay for a while, on and off after the whole OW discovery.

Because he KNOWS it's too hard.
----------------------------------

I wonder though--he is such a manipulator.

Maybe this was a plan to push me over the edge so I'd ask him to come back?
I can't discount that possibility.
You know, just dump more and more on me until my back finally gave out.
--------------------------

Anyhow, more to come about the actual "proposed talk".

I'm getting ahead---and behind--myself all at once.

---GGG

[Matt165]

Hi GGG,
I'm a bit confused. Did GUBU initiate this R talk? Have you texted or spoken to him since the goat incident? Or is the talk just something you feel YOU need to have?

Just wanted to get some info before going into anything.

[GoatGal]

OK, here's the Skinny. Gather 'round, Pardners!

GUBU has stated that he wants to find out what's "going on" with me, but doesn't want to text/email/phone.
He wants to "TALK LIVE" tomorrow.

Needless to say, I am freaked out.
He doesn't usually want to talk about anything, much less about how I AM DOING!

It may be nothing, but it may be a chance to clear the air.


Facts:

GUBU knows that I saw one of my docs on Thursday. He picked up a bunch of prescriptions for me.
He knows I am not feeling well, although I did not elaborate. I am exhausted, really to the bone.
He can see how thin I am... anyone can. I am getting too many comments on this lately.

This morning when he came, I left him a note: I just said that I needed some space and was going to rest today, so I did not see him or speak to him at all.

Also that I wasn't going to be up to doing any hard physical labor this week and I'd appreciate any additional help he could give me.
(I was going to follow that with a "let me know if you won't be available (not WHY) so I can make other arrangements." As in--Hunky Farm Boy.)
He didn't respond to this and I didn't expect him to.

This ^^^ was based on my discussion with shrink on Thursday.
Doc was:
* concerned about my overall well-being, too thin, etc
* suggested I take a break. Or a vacation!
* said I was doing too much, not taking care of myself.
* said what you all said, "Can't I get somebody to help?"
* said living alone like I am with all these animals and little human interaction is not healthy.
* wanted to start me on anti-depressants, that I don't think I need. I did leave that option open, however.
* we agreed that any "depression" I might be experiencing is situational, understandable, and perfectly normal and I am seeing him again in a few weeks to check in.

I understand that sometimes we can't see ourselves clearly, and it concerns ME that he was so concerned.
Also my blood pressure has been running really high--just anxiety and stress I guess. I never had it before, just when I got nervous about something.
Now I'm pretty much nervous a lot of the time. Cue massive weight loss!

Since not having the help I need and feeling trapped here has been something I've been wrestling with on this board, it was hard to hear him say out loud what I was thinking.
How do I say "NO" to picking up any more work without shooting myself in the foot with my R?

___________________________________

What I Want:
Irrelevant at the moment.
______________________________________

What I Need:

More help around here!

More chances to get out and GAL without paying the price in:
lack of sleep
dealing with GUBU
mess from the dogs if I deviate from their schedule
concerns about getting chores done, locking up the chickens, feeding everyone...
....THEN getting cleaned up and ready to go out.
By the time I'm ready to step out the door, I'm exhausted.

A house that is not a disaster zone.

Better safety measures in place for dealing with livestock.

More security in this house, living here alone, isolated.

Less responsibility with the animals--physical and emotional.

Better health and better sleep.

More support from and contact with others.
___________________________________________

Possible Solutions:

Letting H move back into basement with certain conditions to which he will likely not agree.

Moving into my own place and letting him have primary responsibility. It would give him a taste of what D will REALLY be like. Frankly, this is very appetizing. But I worry that in his current state he will drop the ball after a few weeks and it'll fall on my shoulders all over again.

Hiring some outside help. (Doable, but sometimes the supervision takes longer than doing it myself, but definitely an option.)

Setting things up differently so there is not so much work (automatic feeders, door closers, better safety measures.)

Working out an agreement with GUBU that he will provide more support while we are going through this

_______________________

What I will NOT ACCEPT:

Being treated as an employee who is paid to be here no matter what.

Dealing with this remodel and all that entails. The interior is unfinished and it is hardly livable. My lawyer saw pictures and was appalled. (GUBU does not seem to notice this any more.)

Being trapped in this house, doing mountains of laundry, scooping poop, feeding and medicating all these dogs on my own.

Having the dogs impact my sleep many nights. He knows this and complains about it when he's here. In the past, we'd take turns getting up. Now it's just me. It's too much.
(They bark at some animal in the woods, some old one has to go potty... someone gets sick, etc. )

Having primary responsibility for the farm animals morning, noon, and any night/day GUBU states he is not coming.

Being in an unhealthy environment physically and emotionally.

Having GUBU living under the same roof without the following conditions being met:

1. NO OTHER PEOPLE---for him or for me. No "dating" or sexting/EA/PA with others.
This would be too hard to take under the same roof and would not help my well being one bit.
That can wait until after D. Non-negotiable.

2. Both of us in ongoing therapy separately. (Otherwise, nothing will change with him.)

3. Responsible for our own share of chores, and clear on who does what.

4. Common courtesy and basic respect.

5. Privacy in my area, and he can have privacy in his.

Later on, if there was hope of R, there would have to be a transparency plan, among other things.
But for now, the above is good enough.

Thoughts???

---GGG

[Matt165]

Hi GGG,
Just off the top of my head, I think #2 of what you MUST have isn't something that H will either want to do or think he needs. It also could be seen by him as saying HE is "sick" or "wrong" and not your business. It seems like more than a "boundary" and would be seen by an MLCer as you trying to "fix" him.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's a really good idea for him to go and he should. I just don't think he will take it well.

[GoatGal]

Sorry, Matt.

Hmm... #2. That's Therapy, right?
I guess you're correct. It IS telling him what to do.
But no OW is OK, right? Because I couldn't handle that one.
I have trouble with him not being in therapy either, but I get it.

No. I would NEVER ask for a R talk!

I had texted him re: not being around today and being in bed.
"Sorry I was so crappy today. Guess there's just a lot going on right now."

He said "What is up?... Don't text, let's talk tomorrow, live."
--------------------------------------

I know it's a small thing.

But historically he avoids even responding to anything that might lead to a discussion about *GASP* EMOTIONS!!!

So, it's kind of a big deal.
Or it could be nothing.
I just want to be prepared if he does open the door to talk a bit.

I don't even want a R talk, it just might happen if I'm not careful.

I just need to be doing less and not wearing myself out.
Somehow we need to agree about how we can make that happen.
-----------------------------------

I'm thinking about just putting it out there, just the facts:

"My doctor is concerned about my well being, this is too much for one person, what can we do to make things easier at this time... "
and be open to what he has to say.

My major issues are:
1. Lack of sleep
2. Too much labor with animals. house, property
3. Safety issues: Living alone, animals
4. Not enough human interaction/ability to get out
5. I want to make sure the animals are cared for

My well being comes first before anyone or anything else.
If I don't have that, I don't have anything.


I think I could have handled this better a week ago, but I am feeling pretty down and vulnerable at the moment.
No doubt he picks up on this.
Unlike me, he reads people very well.


---GGG

[GoatGal]

Just to be clear, this is about me surviving and thriving.

I really AM open to any suggestions he may have, but I want to be prepared with my
"non-negotiables".

I realized after the goat incident that my time of going this alone is coming to a close.

My doctor is right. This is not a sustainable situation for me.

---GGG

[Wonka]

GGG,

Wow. That's a large plate from the buffet table!! Did you really have to pile it that high, girl?!?

First things first.

I'd suggest that you take a piece of paper and draw a line in the middle of it. Label one side "NEEDS" and the other one "WANTS." I usually find that it helps clarify some things that can be blurry and murky. It might help you as well.

Sometimes people see needs as interchangeable with wants. I've learned to really discipline myself with shopping. I stop and ask myself, "Is this a need or a want?" Saves me some bucks that way!

Likewise with your life balance. What you're describing is a life balance.

I think the more clearer you are about the balance portion, then you'll be clearer for your discussion with GUBU. Make sense?

[GoatGal]

Wonka---thanks for chiming in here.

Needs vs. Wants----Didn't I do that?

I left the "Wants" list empty... I'll try to simplify. It's not my strong suit, obviously.
ORIGINAL LIST:

What I Want:
Irrelevant at the moment.
______________________________________

What I Need:

More help around here!

More chances to get out and GAL without paying the price in:
lack of sleep
dealing with GUBU
mess from the dogs if I deviate from their schedule
concerns about getting chores done, locking up the chickens, feeding everyone...
....THEN getting cleaned up and ready to go out.
By the time I'm ready to step out the door, I'm exhausted.

A house that is not a disaster zone.

Better safety measures in place for dealing with livestock.

More security in this house, living here alone, isolated.

Less responsibility with the animals--physical and emotional.

Better health and better sleep.

More support from and contact with others.
--------------------------------------------

NEW LIST!!!

I need:

To be safe.
To have less labor/chores.
To have more human contact on a regular basis.
To have less sleep interruption.

I think this is reasonable, no?

I do not think I can continue like this and stay healthy.
It's been almost a year, on and off, and six months steady.

Better?

---GGG