I was also going to say a movie is a good thing to do. It's perfect to do alone as you don't talk during a movie and you can go see a happy one and laugh and get distracted or a sad cathartic one and cry your eyes out!
My H also loves to ask all meaningfully "how are you?" F that!
I always say GREAT! and then launch into some reason I am doing fan f-ing tastic. Like "Great! I just accomplished ..." or "Great! I just went for a run!" or "Great! What a nice sunny day today, right?" Often he would be super confused by this answer. Also most times I would not ask him "how are you?" back. Why? Do I really care? No. But if I did he would often say "oh I'm ok...." all sad.
Hope you have an incredible Friday night doing whatever you want! And congrats on quitting the Starbucks! Hugs, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
I love your responses to "how are you". Thank you.
Your Friday night suggestions are great, too. Going to a movie alone is something I've never done but I'm not sure I'm ready to do that yet. I feel silly cooking for just myself but I think I might do just that. I have a delicious bottle of wine a friend brought over and a facial doesn't seem like a bad idea, either. I shaving my legs GAL?
I just solidified plans for D6's 7th birthday which is next Saturday. The three of us are going to Disneyland for two full days, hotel, character breakfast, the whole shebang... It'll be a blast and a great opportunity to just BE my changes. To show MYSELF these changes. If H sees them, great. If not, I will and that's meaningful.
Just got back from a coffee date (I had lemonade!) with a friend. She was talking about her troubles with her husband and of course I did too. She completely understands and it was great to chat with someone who gets it (other than all of you).
How do you all tell your friends that you're separated or having serious marriage trouble? I'm curious about how that goes down. Most of my friends are also friends with H so it's a bit awkward. I'd love to hear how it's all going with you in this department.
Ss, I told close friends and need-to-know people. Otherwise, I try to avoid it. H & I still have each other as spouses on Facebook. He has told very, very few people. I've told more but that's because of the kids. One friend I told early on because we were working on a project together and I cracked in the middle of it. People are still finding out, which is sometimes awkward.
Shaving your legs is GAL if you make a project out of it!
And I've started cooking for myself so I have leftovers to eat. Otherwise I found myself eating Hot Pockets and stuff, and considering I've developed high blood pressure since BD, I'd really prefer to treat myself as worth the effort. Can't afford to stroke out while my H is out of the country considering our nearest relatives are 600 miles away. But I only drink when I'm with friends. Some habits we DON'T need to take up, and a bottle of wine tastes best shared anyway.
And Lisa, yes, thanks, I'm GREAT no matter what! Will definitely use that.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Hi Ss- I wanted to thank you for stopping by my thread and swing by to give you some support.
In reading through your initial posts I read something that's probably true for many of us a definitely my H and I- we were all waiting for the other one to bake some changes and meet us halfway before we did the work needed. I so wish I hadn't been so stubborn before. But I also know I had to forgive myself and I hope you've worked on that too as carrying around shoulda/coulda/would doesn't help.
Sounds like over time you really have had some great positives to focus on. Keep looking for those! As far as GAL- I found working out to be extremely therapeutic. Helps too that the physique change doesn't go unnoticed I saw your D6 ( almost 7, right?) does karate. That would be a great one for you to join her in. My kids do that too and I keep considering it but haven't yet.
Hope you continue to have positive steps and find some opportunities for GAL that are fulfilling. Enjoy your trip for D's birthday and rock his socks off with your new you!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
I just noticed a typo that was probably aFreudian slip in reference to MLC. " bake some changes" instead of " make some changes". Haha!! I think my subconscious typed that just to be funny
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Ss, I told my close friends within a few days of BD. Prior to that, no one except my mom knew that we were having problems because we had always agreed that we wouldn't take our problems outside of the marriage. However, since the S I've been pretty candid with my friends about what's going on, as I've needed their help to process what's happening. Of course, my friends also know that my goal is reconciliation, so everything that I tell them is received in that context.
We tended to have friends as a couple too, but the friends were usually mostly "mine" or "his." I think it was pretty clear to each of us who we could count on and who the other person would be seeking out for support during this time. I will say that I did "take over" one of "his" friends post-S, but I warned him at BD that that was going to happen because she's in a similar situation with her H and we would have more in common moving forward. H didn't object and the friend has even commented that he is distancing himself from her.
Another strange day today. D came home after two days "at her dad's" (I hate typing that out it sounds horrible). I missed her so much it hurt. H said he needed to gather a few of his things and walked around the house gathering things like the juicer, other things but I have no idea what they are. He's here charging his car but in the studio.
I took D to go look at bikes (her #1 request for her 7th birthday this coming Saturday). I took her and ended up buying one. I texted H to let him and know and he told me he'd have preferred to be there. I felt terrible. It totally looked like I did that on purpose but I didn't. He was cool about it later on but I should have considered that. I'm just confused about how much family time we're spending together. He "drops" our D off and hangs out in the kitchen for 30 minutes while D and I catch up, says he wants to check out the sprinklers (which he NEVER did while we were living together), hangs around, notices I've moved furniture around to replace stuff he took to his place. I'm trying to detach but be kind but I kind of want to say, "dude, why are you here?" I don't know. Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong and now I fear I messed up big time by not inviting him to help pick out a bike with D.
Next week we go to Disneyland to celebrate D's birthday (instead of a big party). Two full days, over night in a hotel, standing in lines, heat, sun... with H. I need to work on my detaching without being cold. He loves to chit chat about everything and anything but I have a hard time seeing past the big pink elephant in the room. Advice here? It's like I'm still his wife, and he wants that, but we live apart. I find it weird and uncomfortable.
I removed wedding photos from the walls and went to hang other photos up but I needed a hammer from the garage. I think he took it because I couldn't find it but I did find a silver frame that I had engraved and gave to him for our first wedding anniversary with a photo of the two of us exchanging vows. It used to sit on his desk in the studio. I found it under a bunch of crap in the garage. That hurt.
The best thing you can do is remember that way more of this has to do with him than with you. If you go visit bashy's thread from 1-2 weeks ago there's a big discussion about doing a family outing under these circumstances. 25yearsmlc has a big post about it that is a must-read.
The impulse that prompted you to take down your wedding pictures is the same one that prompted him to put your pic in the garage. Try really hard not to take it personally. If this were easy for him he wouldn't be finding so many excuses to come home.
WRT the bike... Don't beat yourself up. There's no rule book for this time. Just do the best you can and learn from what didn't work.
Hang in there!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I've been thinking about this for a while and not sure what to do and it just occurred to me that I can pose it to all of you!
I haven't had a DB couch session in two weeks. She and I talked about having one about a week after H&I officially separate for a week. Well, it's time to make that appointment. I think if I asked H to talk with a DB couch he'd do it but only really to submit his case because he thinks anyone would totally say "dude, you need to divorce her". Is that a bad idea? Is it better for the coaching to be just for me? Ugh, one week into separation and I'm already antsy. I need this JOB!!!
