For the entire first month after S, I wanted to know if ow car was at my house. I made excuses to have to go to cvs and would just "oops" circle through to pass by my old house where h still lives.
Drove to cvs once today, and went for a walk.... Still tempting, but no drive-byes for months... .
Just curious...can't you keep your son or at least tell her that you won't be dropping him off alone at night? I have had the boys stay together after school when oldest was 11. I did have them watch the girls after they were going to school.
I know this isn't going as fast as you hoped. No one ever said anything worth doing was going to be quick or easy.
Yep, no more snooping. It doesn't help anyone.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Journaling – A bad weekend for me. So besides what I already posted about, the one thing that has stuck with me is when I mentioned the high school coach saw S12 in his football shoulder pads and said “looking good”, and I texted this to W, and she responded with “John?”. When I talked to W's close sister today, and gave her this story I suggested W hurt me unconsciously because she made it sound like she went out with the coach, and sister said are you kidding? Of course W did this on purpose to hurt me. That W was in the kitchen of her parent’s house 10 years ago and told everyone and W said “I married a lawyer, we should be rich by now!” That W is angry with me for never making a lot of money. And everyone was shocked, and said later if she wanted to be rich, then she should go out get a job herself, and not rely on her husband to be rich.
Sister also said that she thinks W has mental health problems. Besides the mid-life crisis there are other things going on. So I asked her if there was anyone special in W's life, and she said no, it’s just these many dates with younger men. The successful ones, the one’s with good jobs she doesn’t get serious about and ends it quickly.
I’ve always thought that if I got a good job with a steady paycheck, that W would come back to me. But perhaps too much time has passed, and she no longer trusts me, and has moved on. I'm still trying to process what this all means.
So d17 is now home after spending 2 months in Argentina, Yay! I spent 4 hours with W, and it was good. I got to W's place early. She offered me a beer, but had no opener. We talked for a bit when she started complaining, about s12 not going to football practice, her need for more money (can't afford to have cable tv/internet), s12 lost the parts to a lamp for his room (it cost $50), and her sore calves (doesn't know why).
But then she changed and came out wearing her tight frilly blue top, with her push up bra revealing her ample cleavage, I wanted to jump her right there. Screw Db’ing, I wanted her. I am still under her spell. She held her arms out for a hug, I was sitting on a tall bar stool type chair, and if she would have taken a step forward I would have had her in a full body in between my knees hug. But I jumped up and hugged her, and she gave me a kiss. Then she said “aww, I was coming to you in your chair.” I then switched topics off her bad stuff, and had her talk about her upcoming 30 year reunion (she is very excited), music in the condo (she needs it), Tony Stewart killing another driver, and other small talk.
The drive to the airport was comfortable. She was wearing shorts and took off her shoes, and stretched her legs on the dashboard. Yes, I see your legs W. And she was massaging her sore calves, yes, it was sexy. She did bring up one topic that was on her mind that could be a danger sign – she said she wants d17 to spend the night with me on Saturday nights, so she can have her place to herself. She explained that she has learned to really love her alone time. This is totally out of character, she loves being out and being with people. I responded knowing that there is no chance that d17 would ever agree to spend the night at my place because there is no room, so I said “well, she’s 17 years old she gets to make those decisions for herself”. W said we will have to double team her. Affirmed her, yes, we will try.
We waited at the baggage claim. W said she was going to the bathroom, and 15 minutes later she still hadn’t come back. I thought, oh no, she is texting boyfriends again and wanted some space. But then I checked my cell and she had texted me to come to the other end of the terminal where d17 would first come in. So s12 and I came up behind W and she was texting, and so I announced we were there and she didn’t hide her phone (!, first time in many months she hasn't been secretive with her phone), and eventually I came and sat next to her, no hiding anything, she was texting her sisters about her father’s eye surgery earlier today. In fact, I cannot think of a single text she had while we were together.
So d17 came down the escalator, I saw her first. And W squealed and gave her a big hug. I came up and give her a hug, and she said “Dad your so skinny!”, and W responded “yes, he’s lost 75 pounds”. Now I have purposely not mentioned that to W because it would be pursuing. So either her sisters or one of her friends must have told her. She patted my stomach before I could tense up. Oh well. :-)
So we got d17’s luggage and tried to get back to the van. We got lost. We were in the wrong level, we were in the wrong section (long term parking ramp instead of short term. W went into an emergency exit staircase, and we heard security catch her and talk to her over an intercom eventually telling her how to get out. It seemed funny. But we were walking all over the airport, I was lugging d17’s 100 pound suit case. But I was keeping up. W asked if I wanted her to lug it, but I refused. There is no way I could have done this even 6 months ago.
We went to Perkins for some food after. W was odd. She only ate half of her meal. But then she ate half of one of s12’s pancakes, and some his hash browns, and later one of his eggs. She took some of d17’s hash browns. Then a funny moment came. I originally texted d18 (in Boston) when d17 was with us at the airport. Now, here W hadn’t had any rude texting the whole night. But here at 12:30 am, I get a text from d18 and I gave her a quick reply. But it was right during a slow time in the conversation, so it seemed like I had another woman that I was texting with her late at night. No, I didn’t explain anything. It was a nice family meal together, laughing, fun hearing d17’s stories, it was good.
I am encouraged from the night together, because W at least did not text in front of us other those dealing with her father. I showed myself to be healthier. I didn’t do much if any pursuing, I was fun, interested in Olivia’s stories, I goofed around with s12. I looked good and carried myself well. And the good family meal together, I hope that W hasn’t forgotten that this is all part of our family life she walked away from.
So W texted yesterday morning telling me our d17 (who was exhausted from her trip back to America) was sleeping like an angel. I did not respond.
But I did text her later last night telling her of our long time friend (from high school) who was no longer drinking, he was once a pretty wild guy. We had a nice light exchange until she asked me to pick up s12 on Thursday (Kat, we have a flexible visitation schedule. I have s12 every weekend and sometimes longer. Basically whenever I want him.) I texted her that I was busy (which I was, with a MRI appointment at 7 pm, but I left it 'mysterious'), and that I would pick s12 up on Friday. No problem she texted, but I am sensing some jealousy on W's part, but perhaps its my wishful thinking.
So I saw my old high school friend today for a late cocktail lunch (me drinking, not him). He is someone who understands what I am going through, as he has went through a battle where his W went through a phase of drug use and wildness when she turned 40 years of age. It is so therapeutic to have someone who knows the pain I am going through. And I now know much more clearly the pain that he has gone through. He is still married, but they do not have a good marriage. I suggested he check this website out, so we will see. But it was a really nice lunch.
Just remember the truth is in her actions. It is so easy to make something more out of words than is there. She wanted something and so was nice on the phone. Take it for what it was.
Hopefully, eventually, the words and actions will match.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Sounds like things are going well. Keep up the good work!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Well, I was right. My W is a wee bit jealous, because I was "busy" last night. I texted her today to let her know when I was picking up s12. And she texts back "did you have fun last night?" I did not reply.
And so, when I picked up s12 just now, she was icy. No hug for me and certainly no kiss - she has given me a hug and a kiss the last several times I've seen her. She also looked really tired.
I'm hoping this is a good sign. She hasn't cared what was going on with anyone but herself for most of the past 14 months of separation. It's different, and different has to be better than limbo-land. Jealousy, she's never, ever been jealous of me, or anything I've done, and so it's kinda a nice feeling.
This side of Jealousy is a new thing for me, where my W is jealous of me. I think this has to be a positive thing, because doesn't there have to be some ownership/control that is being violated, for there to be jealousy?
I did some quick googling on the subject, and found there are 3 main causes for someone being jealous: Insecurity, fear of being replaced, and competition. My W has new found insecurity and lack of self esteem. And I think fear of being replaced is the other big one here. I've lost some serious weight, I'm healthy, and I look good in my new suit. ;-)
Though 14 months of separation is a long time for jealousy to first appear. OK, I did wear some cologne when I picked up s12 on Friday, which I never do, and so maybe I'm having a little too much fun with this. I suppose I should not take it much farther though, as I am not getting positive results from W.
Who knows what she's thinking and guessing doesn't help because her thoughts can change every ten seconds.
It's obvious you are getting her attention since she is reacting differently, even 14 months into it. They are all on their own timeline, not ours.
Quote:
as I am not getting positive results from W.
What are the positive results you are hoping for? I'm reading this as a possible expectation...
You should be so proud of yourself. Your changes are awesome. Losing weight feels really good! The cologne, wear it if it makes you feel good about yourself.
After S, I bought new perfume (haven't worn any in decades) and I wear it daily as part of my PMA. I feel good in my skin when I take care of myself....with or without H.
Remember this is for you. W being jealous is a sign she cares.... But keep expectations of her at zero, and keep focusing on you. I think THAT is the positive result we are all here to achieve.
.