Old dog seeks new trick 2

[u-turn]

Old Dog,
I get this. When you find out that there was real trouble long ago, and there is nothing you can do for that now, you just wish you had known. Maybe had your eyes open a little wider so you could actually see what was going on. If she would have said anything instead of internalizing it.

It is how I feel too. and unfortunately, in my case, those are the things she reaches back to when asked what the problems are. She'll say "well, 12 years ago you worked too much and didn't give the family enough time". Even if positive changes were made since then, right now she looks at or for the negatives of the past only.

I feel like there is nothing that can be done to make up for the past. Focus on the present. (I have a hard time following that though).

[Old Dog]

Old Dog, I'm just dropping in so I'll try to catch up on your sitch as I'm able, but your question about your wife's note seems to be really getting to you so I thought I'd throw out a few thoughts.

-- a lot of her meaning depends on the time frame of when she thinks the destabilizing happened. Do you have any sense for how long she's been dissatisfied? Her agreeing to your working away may have been partly because she already was feeling distanced from you.

And there lies a sorry tale Maybell. She revealed on bomb day that she had been thinking about this before I trotted off to work away from home. It has taken two and half years of gradual deterioration to get to this stage. The last 6 months before bomb day being the worst.

She had said even before this "one day this won't be enough" and now "one day" has arrived. Yet it is only now that I know it is possible to effect change.

My going to counselling before just 'didn't work' I came out the other end and didn't feel any different and couldn't understand why: it was all just talk. Yes, I learned some interesting stuff about myself, but nothing that gave me a clue about what I could do about it. I thought, you went to counselling to sort this sort of stuff out and it didn't.

MrBond has already hauled me over the coals in my first thread for not doing anything about it when I had the chance. He said I'm lazy and selfish.

-- so often men defend their career choices and workaholic tendencies by saying "I was providing for us" without realizing that, while women appreciate the hard work, that work is meaningless if we don't feel connected. We will stop appreciating the work and start resenting it if we feel like it's replacing our importance in your life.

Yes, I read about that recently in Man are from Mars, women are from Venus. Men will think they've scored plenty of points going to work and earning money - surely 30 points there. Nope, just one point on women's scorecard. And I have never been very good at scoring points on the emotional level.

-- I know in my household, when my H is traveling for work there are a lot of after hours events he attends. I didn't reach out to him a ton because I couldn't tell if he was in the middle of something. And if your W was already feeling distant from you she probably wasn't thinking you wanted to be chased down.

I think it was a case of her not wanting to chase any more. She seem to think I was completely happy living away from home 'without a care in the world'. If she was already thinking about 'transitioning' as she calls it, why bother.

These are guesses based on my own situation so take them for what they're worth, but you sound so unhappy that I didn't want to leave you hanging. Best to you...

Pretty good guesses Maybell, you should be a vet. Thank you for posting. It's encouraging when you know someone is reading. I am feeling sad that I could have done something about it if I had known and if new how to do it.

[Old Dog]

U-turn I do recognise some of your story.

You are right though. Focus on the present. My mindfulness podcasts does help me at times es like this.

[u-turn]

Sorry Old Dog.
Just a little rambling from this morning - I was talking more about myself.

[Old Dog]

No worries u-turn. I have been reading your thread.

[NewB3]

Old dog. I read everything you have written so far....just caught up. I had some rough hours this morning, but coming here to read keeps me focused and gives me hope.

Thanks

[Old Dog]

Have you guys seen Shawn Achor's TED talk 'The happy secret to better work' yet?

You need to check it out. It'll help you.

[Ss06]

Yes, I saw it on 25's recommendation. It's awesome! Such a great talk! Oh wait... I think the one she recommends "Fake it until you become it". Another great one!!!

[Old Dog]

Yes, I saw it on 25's recommendation. It's awesome! Such a great talk! Oh wait... I think the one she recommends "Fake it until you become it". Another great one!!!

Absolutely. You see, it's all in the mind.

[Old Dog]

Just felt one of those awful heart surging twinges. One of the friends my wife and kids are visiting this weekend posted on facebook "A magical night with lovely people and great music!".

I felt I had to respond somehow, so went with "Wish I could have been with you guys. Glad it was a good night."

Just me and the cat then. Time to get busy.

Old Dog xx