Old dog seeks new trick 2

[Old Dog]

Hi NewB3. I'll check out your story. Thanks for posting.

[Ggrass]

What do you do if your wife is also detaching and going dark on you? Communication between us at the moment is pretty minimal, and what there is seems to be short and to the point.

Years ago she did the first year of a part time counselling course and she's also going to see a counsellor at the moment, so she knows a bit about this stuff.

She doesn't seem to want to tell me anything. She's taking the kids away this weekend to visit friends (I can't go) but I had to ask: when are you going? When are you coming back? It's abroad, so I left her my prepaid debit card, checked the balance, emailed her the number, wished them a good time, said say hello to our friends and all I gon in return is 'thank you'.

Now I've not been very forthcoming in the last couple of months months, but that was me attempting to DB. Instead of piquing her curiosity, she's doing the same to me.

I am running into the mirroring thing too. At first she gets chatty, then she works her way to mirroring.....my story here. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2469202#Post2469202

Yeah, I get the whole mirror thing. If I'm nice he's ok, but tried to take control.
Then if I'm uptight he's uptight. H doesn't seem to have independent emotions.

[Old Dog]

So, my wife and kids have gone away for a long weekend (I couldn't go). I saw them on the platform of the station while they were waiting for the trian to the airport. My train came in one minute before theirs left. I waved but they didnt see. I wanted to give them a hug :-(

In the past my wife wouldn't have considered going without me, but not only are they going, she booked it knowing I couldn't go. I feel angry and sad about this, but when she told me I simply said 'oh well can't be helped'. But it hurts. My mindfulness podcast came to the rescue on the drive back from the station.

[raliced]

Hi Old Dog,

I've just been getting caught up on your thread. I really empathize with the sadness of watching your family leave on their holiday. Its odd, before this all started, I would have given anything for a little break away from the kids and right now my heart aches every moment I'm away from them (trying to block the ache for H).

Chin Up. From my dire perspective, your situation seems to have some positives (although I'm sure it doesn't feel that way). Best wishes that you have a nice weekend as well.

[NewB3]

Have you talked to your DB coach yet? Still curious about this mirroring think that several of us have noticed.

[Old Dog]

raliced - I know doesn't seem half as bad as many others on here. The effort everyone on puts really does deserve a happy ending. Having said that, we're all locked up in our own worlds and it hurts just as bad.

NewB3 -I haven't talked to a BD coach yet. I just email Virginia to see how to make an appointment.

Warning: Cod psychologist at work.

When you think about it, mirroring perhaps shouldn't be surprising. In real life, your own approach to life is reflected back at you to some extent by people you meet. If you are positive and happy, they usually respond in the same manner - and likewise if you're feeling down.

As we're talking about close relationships and difficult situations it could be more extreme.

[LisaB]

I see this mirroring thing popping up everywhere this week, and of course in my situation as well.

Funny, if it really worked then if we acted all loving and fantastic then they would act the same right?

Sorry for your sad day as they left on their vacation, Old Dog. Big hugs, Lisa B

[Old Dog]

I posted a while ago that I found a note that my wife had written about her thoughts in late June. I'm not supposed to have seen this, it was in a book she usually uses for lists of stuff to do and was just lying there - not open at this page but the one before.

I worked tirelessly for 2 1/2 years to stabilse us, he worked to destabilise us. That part of him did.

This afternoon I realy got intouch with loneliness. You can fill your life with Hollywood films, with meals out - but at the end of the day you're left with loneliness. La soledad del alma (the solitude of the soul - translated by me/internet).

Almas gemelas (twin souls - translated by me/internet again) torn asunder? I don't know about that anymore. But it does feel like it this evening.

I really do not understand the first sentence. But how can I ask her about any of this if I'm not supposed to have seen it?

I feel so sorrowful and protective of her and want to make it all right. I believe we can do it if we try.

[Old Dog]

I woke up feeling a bit angry and more than a little sad about her first sentence above.

What does she mean by that? Yes, I recognise all she has done being alone with the boys during the week. It is has been a huge task and it has left her drained. But he worked to destabilise us. That part of him did. How? What did I do or did do?

I left our family home to work 180 miles away, to a place I'd never been to before, on my own, to work with people I did not know, to earn money to provide for us all. Initially I hadn't even considered working away from home but then thought I'd consult her about whether she'd be OK with it and she said yes.

Granted I did not do a good job at staying in touch whilst away during the week, but then she didn't do that much better either.

If ony I could learn to detach properly. I think I chose my forum name correctly as I am finding it really hard to learn this new trick.

[Maybell]

Old Dog, I'm just dropping in so I'll try to catch up on your sitch as I'm able, but your question about your wife's note seems to be really getting to you so I thought I'd throw out a few thoughts.

-- a lot of her meaning depends on the time frame of when she thinks the destabilizing happened. Do you have any sense for how long she's been dissatisfied? Her agreeing to your working away may have been partly because she already was feeling distanced from you.

-- so often men defend their career choices and workaholic tendencies by saying "I was providing for us" without realizing that, while women appreciate the hard work, that work is meaningless if we don't feel connected. We will stop appreciating the work and start resenting it if we feel like it's replacing our importance in your life.

-- I know in my household, when my H is traveling for work there are a lot of after hours events he attends. I didn't reach out to him a ton because I couldn't tell if he was in the middle of something. And if your W was already feeling distant from you she probably wasn't thinking you wanted to be chased down.

These are guesses based on my own situation so take them for what they're worth, but you sound so unhappy that I didn't want to leave you hanging. Best to you...