This is my first post; I read your whole thread. It appears that your W and mine are clones; many similarities. I wish I could give you advice but you appear to be further along than I am in dealing with your stay-at-home WAW. Good luck, and I hope that your outcome will be a positive one!
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
I'll journal some stuff here, just because. It means nothing, or something, or nothing. Just want to record it.
- Since I came back from vacation, W has been sleeping in guest room. This really makes no difference to me anymore, but it does remind me of the whole "the marital bed goes with the people in the marriage" fiasco. If that separation helps her, I'm all for it.
- I noticed she took our wedding pictures off the dresser while we were on vacation. There was still a dual frame with his/her baby pictures. If she's going to get all silly with pictures, I don't want to lose mine, so I quietly removed my baby picture last weekend. Later that day, the whole frame was gone. No words on any of this.
- Our conversation Wednesday night ended with "You know my position, and I now have a good idea of your position. Take back the new curtains, and don't spend any money on the house." Something might have sunk in; maybe, maybe not. Panic, or relief? W did go for an unscheduled therapy session the next day.
- W started on a different AD last week, stronger with more side effects.
- W made dinner Saturday night. It's been a while.
- W made brunch Sunday morning. I've been doing weekend brunch for years.
- W stayed home each night this weekend. No running with the posse.
- No suspicious texts/calls since that conversation. Just a few long calls to girlfriends. Even calls to posse have tapered off. [or gone underground]
- Something is happening with W -- fake, real or fear, who knows? She's still not talking. When I come home and ask her how she is, I get a one word response.
- I feel different. Kind of relieved, but still very troubled about impact of D to kids. I sleep better, but still wake up in the middle of the night. Can't really explain it - borderline acceptance I guess. I really can't hold this together if W doesn't want it. And if she does decide she wants M, she'll have at least 6 months of D processing time to convince me something could work. I'm glad I wrote that position letter. It's still a standing offer to R. W has choices, free of my control. Now she has to decide what she believes: Her "You're incapable of loving me." or my "I've stood by you through multiple A's. You've done nothing this year but test how much I love you, and I'm still here offering R." That has to be confusing. Confuses the heck out of me.
- I have all paperwork done and financials ready. L called yesterday to ask if he could put me off filing for a week - a scheduling thing. I'm patient, I'll wait. But seriously, a coincidental one week delay just as I think I see W changing? Some higher power is toying with me.
What is going on with W, is it in any way real and positive, just testing, or maybe she knows she has to get her shi* together to make it on her own? It appears that she is stopping some of the destructive behavior. Does any fog clear? I know that W changing behavior in no way implies anything with respect to me. I can hear Bond yelling "Mindreading!"
Hmmmmm. It could be sincere second thoughts she's having, or it could merely be a "St. Mrszew" period (I'll have to find you the notes from my sitch, when the fetching Mrs. Starsky was going thru her "St. Sally" period. Exact same behavior, right down to the making of breakfast!)
And no, never discount The Big Guy having His hand on the timing of the whole thing. I prayed throughout my sitch, including just before instructing my atty to have her served with the divorce papers. A "Lord, if this is NOT what I'm supposed to do here, I pray that you'll clearly show me, TODAY" type of prayer. As my sitch turned out, my wife needed that D jolt to wake her up as to what she was about to throw away, but maybe your wife is warming, who knows.
At some point, you're going to have to pull the trigger though. I pray that she turns away from what she's doing, I really do!
As for St. MrsZew, I just don't know. + It would appear that she has stopped contact with OM (plural). - I wouldn't say that she is warming. - She is still sleeping in the guest room. - Still spending over an hour a day on the phone with posse. - She leaves the room (or the house) to take any phone call. + She has started talking to her mother and sister again.
She wants a notebook for her business. Yesterday, she told me they were available at X and Y, so I could pick where I wanted to buy it for her. All I heard was another entitled demand for something that should be a business expense, not a family expense, and that there was option Z, not buying it for her at all.
In summary, she may be doing some things that are good for her in the long run, but she still isn't thinking anything about an R with Zew. And that's where she was a few months ago. She wanted to clean up her act in order to be able to survive without me -- not to save her M or family, but to be independent of me. Together, but not dependent, doesn't seem to be in the plan.
Now the question of the day.
So I'll file for D. My position hasn't changed; I prefer R to D, but by filing, I'm taking open M off the table. I realize I'm also forcing a choice, but I'm ok with that now. I need that clarity in my life.
So, do I:
a) talk to W the day before filing, to see if anything has changed before throwing the grenade. Let her know what's coming.
b) after filing, but before being served, tell w that I prefer R to D, but have filed to take open M off the table
c) I've restated my position a million times. say nothing and let the shock of the process server have full effect. If she wants to save any part of this, she'll figure it out. If she doesn't, move on Zew, move on.
Zew - I've been following your thread, I was in just about the same position as you about 4 years ago. D was final about 3 years ago and I am so much happier than I ever was in the M. This is just me but after everything she has done I would tell you to go for C, she needs to feel the weight of her decisions and finally see that they have consequences. The next OM is right around the corner, if she runs into someone at the bar tonight she is attracted to what do you think her actions would be? Take control of your life for you and your kids.
Your completely prepared for the outcome, either way. I admire how calmly you have positioned everything, and how aware you are of where things are. Ironic in the face of everything with respect to your W actions
You've waited this long, why not give it a bit more time. If R is ultimately what you would prefer, I don't think another month will hurt you, although I'm sure you know the effect of this time on your D
Your organized and prepared and you know your end goal. Follow this tunnel for a bit and see where it ends up. If you have to file, you do.
