I went through a similar phase with my W when I moved back home. We ML a few times then all of a sudden she was not in the mood and blamed it on depression. I made the mistake of getting angry/upset with her and this did nothing to help. So I did some research on the matter and completely backed off on anything to do with physical contact. I still acted lovingly and positive the way I had been and put no pressure on my W. After about 2-3 weeks one night she basically jumped all over me haha. Things have been great from that point on.
Looking back, this had nothing to do with depression I guess you could say. I realize that my W was most likely going through WD from completely cutting off contact with OM. My W even told me that she never thought she could fall in love with me again. It was very clear to me when she did. At this time she became very remorseful of everything that happened OM wise. Talked about how stupid she was, how sorry she is and so on. That she is more in love with me than ever before and hates what she did to me during the separation.
This stuff just takes time. It seems like things are progressing in a positive way for you right now. Keep up the good work and let things just happen.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
I think you're moving way too fast, Sho. You can ask the women here, but asking/commenting about her underwear is far more than "light and flirty" -- it's PURSUING. Slowwww and eaaasssy. You still don't even know if she has ended things with OM.
Quick update...Friday night started our vacation, we went to dinner with the kids and had a great time. The kids ran around outside the restaurant after dinner giving my W and me time to chat. She asked about the changes she had seen in me and wondered why it took get asking for a D to cause this to happen. I owned that answer. She then said again that she is trying to change get feelings towards me and that if she could, she would. We ended the night watching tv with tyre kids and my W laying on me (on a pillow) on the couch. She commented that we have not done "this" in a while.
We went to yoga together the next day and then took separate cars to the cape. Try as she might my W was not able to move her meetings in NYC so she had to be there Monday-Wednesday of this week. My W beat me to the Cape (I had my D10 in my car and we stopped at IHOP for lunch, I never do this, I always am the one who would race to where we are going and would never stop to do anything. My W got to the resort, checked us in and sent me a text that "she and S7 were at the pool and she had a IPA (beer) waiting for me. When I got there she said that this place felt like a vacation and that we should stay longer so I called the front desk and extended our time by three more nights. We had fun as a family all day and had a great dinner.
However my W left last night (Saturday) to drive back to our house because she needs to be in NYC Sunday night...her first meeting is 8am in NYC with the CEO of her company, while I don't love that before the A I would not have thought anything of this. So is she still having the A? No idea, I cannot focus on that I do know that she wanted to stay with us on the cape and said that she wished that I had not sprung the vacation on her. She just could not change her work schedule.
I know she resents me a bit for this which was not my goal. But I needed the vacation and needed to move forward. So the next few days it will be the kids and me, will focus on them and being a great father.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Some more journaling...my wife commented that I have not looked at her the way that I am since before the kids were born. Two months ago she said "when u look at me I know u don't find me attractive" so her new comments are a slight improvement. I also have been rubbing her feet from time to time, which she says hat she likes. But she also said that I have not done that in years.
In the end I am listening to her and really getting a sense for what was missing...we needed more quality time together, I needed to listen better, I needed to show my affection for her. She also told me of her low point when she was late picking up D10 from soccer practice and she told D10 not to tell me because she knew I would be mad. Clearly I have created some extreme control and anxiety issues with her that will take time for her to get over if ever.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I have been on vaca with only the kids for a few days now. My W is joining us tomorrow (she has been working in NYC). The vaca has had its ups and downs...loving being with my kids but I also see a lot of happy families around me, which is tough.
I read the 5 LL and took the LL test. Turns out that my #1 LL is Quality Time. This explains some of my controlling behavior. As I think about it, I love spending time with my W, no matter what it is. My W loves quality time as well but also loves her independence. So when my W does not want to be with me, it really hurts my feelings. I think this hurt leads to anger, which causes me to want to control where she is and what she is doing. I know that I need to let it go, but because this is my #1 LL, letting go is very hard.
Re: detaching...I have done an ok job of it this week. I texted only in reply to her but did send her a few pics of the kids (on a text group with my MIL). But my W did text me to ask if I wanted her to pick up a new work bag for me while she is in NYC (I mentioned to her that I needed a new bag for work). But this also could just be her being nice to me.
Either way, I am having PMA and being the best dad that I can be. We have played a lot on the beach together, played a lot of whiffle ball and have eaten a ton of ice cream. Tomorrow night my W gets here.
Lots of love to everyone
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
So I could use some advice...my w gets here on vaca later today, we will be together until Tuesday. I know my W had an A but she has not admitted to it. Also i am not sure whether it has ended or not. She has warmed up to me in the last two weeks, emailing and texting me rather than the opposite. I want to continue to show her a safe environment to which she can return. I also want to be fun and act "as if" but I still want to keep some space and not pursue her.
Therefore how do I act when we are on vacation for one week together? Like friends, be friendly? Do I "ignore" her and just focus on the kids? If I go to the bar for a drink do I ask her if she wants one or is that pursuing? If she wants to talk about stuff (not the R) do I engage or should I be more curt to shoe her that she could be losing me?
Train I sense that you had a similar issue with your H except he had admitted to the A and was talking about ending it when you were on vacation. What was your approach? Friendly? Kid focused? Curt?
Lots of love for everyone
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I know my W had an A but she has not admitted to it. Also i am not sure whether it has ended or not.
And this ^^^ makes it impossible for me to give you on-target advice. The tactics that I would advise -- not to mention your overall strategy -- would be almost entirely different if she were still in contact with her affair partner.
