I am the prize

[daring]

Thanks Matt and FY- it's encouraging to see these " breakthroughs" but I know he's not done baking yet.
He has cycled through depression, withdrawal, and old H multiple times in the last 24hrs. I'm trying to just roll with it.

Was funny as I was stressed today about several things going on and he asked me if I wanted help de stressing- with a twinkle in his eye. I knew he meant some adult playtime, which I decided would be good for us both. As we were walking back to my room he said " I know this is confusing, me talking about moving to another house from the one I'm in ( it's too expensive) and then us having these types of moments". I said no- not really- I'm good. ( the concept of friends with benefits kept going through my mind but I didn't let it escape my mouth!)

And I meant it. I'm good for now. As you pointed out a bit ago FY, my new normal is a big mess- but it's where things are at so I'll just have to go with it.

I do notice being all together as family, not just being with the kids, seems to be more his happy place than it used to be.

I'm keeping the light on....

[Shining]

Wow, Dar!!

For him to mention MLC sounds huge! I'm cheering for you!!! Woot woot!!!

I love reading forward progress!

Also keeping in mind what FY said.... About flip flopping and crashing. I'm in that same boat!

Hang tough, Dar!!!!

[ForeverYoung]

As we were walking back to my room he said " I know this is confusing..."

Thing is, because you have taken the time to attempt to learn and understand what H is going through, you very likely are less confused than he is. Which is how it should be if you're going to be the lighthouse.

And I meant it. I'm good for now.

I'm so happy to hear you say this. Reaching a place of acceptance and peace is so important in all this. It's the only way we'll ever outlast the crisis, really.

I do notice being all together as family, not just being with the kids, seems to be more his happy place than it used to be.

So good to hear. Savor every moment. Sock away the good memories. Understand that there will still be some rocky times... and be ok with that.

The more good memories you're able to make now, the more H will continue to see the M as the direction he needs to move.

I hope you've been feeling better.

[daring]

Well- lots going on over here on MLC land.

H has been back and forth with his moods/depression quite a bit but has still been reaching out. I do think he sees me as the stable one he can turn to more and more.

He's been looking for a new rental to move into next month. I guess he out in an application on one today as he is stressing out about qualifying since current job ends this week. He called me today to tell me it was officially ending Friday.
Then later texted " how are you" which meant he wanted to talk more.
I texted how are you back and that's when he said he put an offer in and it " made him sick to his stomach". I asked about possibility of renting a room until he has continued income, and told him offer still stands to use S19 room for few months if needed as he will be at college. He texts back the way he feels he wants to live under a bridge in Uganda. Poor guy.

Then he texted back and forth a bit saying he just stressed about everything and he never knows if he's doing more harm then good anymore. Then texted "sorry".

Hmmmmm- what I wanted to do was prod that conversation a little more - I.e. Did you realize you made a mistake, do you want to move back with us, etc.
But I didn't. I feel like he is starting to come around and he needs to arrive at those conclusions himself.
So I just texted no need to say sorry I'm here to listen even if he's just working through the thoughts in his head. He said he'd see me Thursday ( he's traveling to speak at conference).

So I think this is all good. He's reaching out and sharing with me. He's rethinking ( yes I'm mind reading- I know) his decisions. And I think being away from this awful job will be good even though there's some unknown.

I'm hoping me being out of touch next week doesn't hurt things but I soooooo need this vacation free of the stress of all if this! 5 days until cruise.....

[daring]

And in today's news..... H started an R talk and told me he loved me. But he still has a ways to go so I have no expectations ( and I told him so).

I was having a hard day with stuff at work that's stressing me. H just got back from traveling and hasn't found a house yet so may need to take me up on offer of S19 room. I told him I wasn't going to let him sleep in the street.
Then he said " we have a strange relationship". I said why? He said most people in our situation don't get along as well as we do. He said I know we have our issues, and that I ( as in him) am emotionally unstable right now, but this is unusual. I knew he went to IC today so I asked if that was according to his counselor or him. He said both- then told me she mentioned she only knew one other couple who was able to continue like this and get along and talk about anything. He also said he likes it .

So then there was some discussion about other stuff and I'm not even sure how we got there but he was joking about a girlfriend and I said oh- really? He then said" I just wish I was emotionally in a place to have a healthy relationship". I said understandable, but I've also decided everyone's crazy and just have to figure out how to meld your crazies and make it work. He said agreed, he just has to figure out how to get over his own hurts. Then he said " Where do you think this is going?" I said I really don't know. I've decided this is where we are at right now and I have no expectations and we will have to see. He almost seemed bothered by that response. ( mind reading- did he want me to open the door more???)
Then he said " I just want to focus on maintaining this sort of closeness and the relationship we have now. I also don't have expectations of you because I know I'm still emotionally in a place where I would hold you accountable for unfair unmet expectations". I said ok.

Then some talk about no matter what happens, blah blah blah. Though I do see a subtle shift in that us working out versus not seems to be just slightly favored in his words compared to previously.
Then he said even if you date or I date, if this doesn't work out, I think we can maintain this closeness.
I said well I disagree. He seemed surprised. I said if I get to a place where I decide to date or move on, I'm going to devote my efforts to that relationship. He processed that and said- ok that's understandable.
Then he said well I guess that could happen anytime. I said no not right now. Then he said of course it can you're beautiful. I said that doesn't matter.
He said sure- someone could try for months and keep wooing you and win your heart. I said no they couldn't- I'm not looking for anyone to fill a void. I'm ok where I'm at right now, and I make the decision whether I let anyone in.
He seemed almost a little relieved ( or maybe I'm hoping).

I thought about saying I wouldn't date b/c I'm technically still married and it's wrong ( which is true) but he wouldn't see that as being because I want him, in his depressed state he would just think I was trying to do the right thing to stick to my own values.
I also thought about saying no one could win my heart because he already has it. But he is in such a delicate place I don't want to push him away and thought that might be too much.

Then he was being flirty and suggestive and said- I also don't want to spend time with you just trying to fill a void. I want to be with you and have closeness because I want to and I'm thinking about it in the right ways. I told him I know, I've seen that change and I don't feel that he's " using" my affection in any way.

Throughout these conversations he hugged me twice in a very gentle loving manner.

I'd say this is pretty amazing progress. He is gaining lots of insight. He's trying to do right by me in how he approaches any type of relationship. For the first time in a long time he also said we have a connection/relationship outside the kids. ( he used to say he felt I wanted to be with him only because of the kids and outside of that there was no us).

Clearly he still has some processing to do but I'm encouraged.

[Shining]

Daring, this sounds so positive!! You seemed to hold your ground very well. I especially liked what you said that you 'make the decision whether to let anyone in'.

He is making some observations and seems to be processing....but still some odd comments, yes? I couldn't find anywhere in this thread, but does your H have ow? I hope not and that you're one of the lucky ones .

IMHO I don't think opening the door more would make much difference here. It seems he knows you're still there for him, at least for now.

[Ss06]

Wow, this is all very good, no?

I agree with Shining about opening the door more making not much difference. You need to be honest with him and honest with yourself. He knows how you feel, no need to pain the walls with it, right?

You are doing really, really well. It seems like he's making some changes and effort, too, but I understand you wariness.

Hang in there and keep us posted!

[daring]

Shining and Ss- thanks for the encouragement and the advice.
Sometimes I get so excited about positives I over analyze when really I just need to be myself and let it unfold.

Shining there is no OW, though there was an EA with our neighbor/friend/H's employee for 2 years from 2012 to earlier this year.
That was hard enough and I thoroughly admire those of you dealing with a PA/OW. I don't know that I would he strong enough to deal with that.
That said this person he had an EA with will always be in our lives as our kids are best friends and they live next door.
It gets complicated some days as I am friends with her too and I know it wasn't an on purpose thing- they just started leaning on each other emotionally when marriage troubles were going on. But I know I'm still guarded around her.

So next week I am off to my much needed girls cruise. H is going to stay at my (our) house for the week with S19, S16, andS7.
I will get some much needed relaxation and break from the drama- and maybe H will get a taste of all the little things he misses with the kids. Even though he is over a lot and they periodically stay with him- the interactions aren't the same.

[daring]

Back on land from the awesome cruise vacation- I so needed it!!
I noticed a day or so in how much more relaxed I felt being away from all the stress. Even on " good" days at home I didn't realize how much if a toll this was all taking on me emotionally.

Driving back home now and hoping I'm recharged enough to continue this MLC marathon! Got a welcome home text from H this morning. At least it's a nice start!

Going to catch up on others threads over the next few days. Hope all are doing well.

[daring]

Back on land from the awesome cruise vacation- I so needed it!!
I noticed a day or so in how much more relaxed I felt being away from all the stress. Even on " good" days at home I didn't realize how much if a toll this was all taking on me emotionally.

Driving back home now and hoping I'm recharged enough to continue this MLC marathon! Got a welcome home text from H this morning. At least it's a nice start!

Going to catch up on others threads over the next few days. Hope all are doing well.