I don't want this. I hate this pain and I hate seeing it on my daughters face. He wants "to think of himself for once" and the carnage that leaves behind he doesn't even have to see because he's at a damn concert (second on in one week).
I'm looking at therapy for d so she can be better assisted in handling this process but who is going to take her? Who will make sure she gets there? Plus, our insurance [censored] so it'll mostly be out of pocket (another reason I want that job!!). So while I have d I get to help pick up he pieces of his mess and take her to therapy to help her come to terms with this trauma and he gets to be Disneyland dad and have "sleepovers" at his place. Of COURSE he's in favor of divorce. His life rocks now.
I just want this all to go away, for D's sake. She has enough to contend with with having ADHD, ODD, sensory issues (mild), potential low grade Asperger's and her IQ is higher than mine so SHE GETS IT ALL!!!
I know how unfair and hopeless things feel. But he's living in his own personal hell, even though it doesn't look like it from your end. Let him live and suffer there. He's a big boy.
And I know you will tire of hearing it - if you haven't already - but it's the best advice out there: keep focusing on you. Keep focusing on being the best person and mom you can be. Please stay as distracted as possible and do the things that make you feel accomplished, like taking amazing care of your D. Please trust me when I say this will work. It will take time. But it will work. And one day soon, you won't care what your H is doing. Or, you'll start caring less.
One of my favorite quotes, just for you tonight, Ss:
“I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” (Rainer Maria Rilke)
Hugs.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Train, that quote went immediately into my journal so I can refer to it often. Thank you. Your wisdom is so helpful on my situation and I appreciate it so much.
I'm on the world famous Separation Diet and have lost a bit of weight. I've also noticed though that my brain is super cloudy. Like I can't process things very quickly, speak as eloquently as I used to or understand things with any depth. Take Train's quote for example. I had to read it three times and write it down for it to register. What is happening to my brain?
Do I need to take supplements? I feel like I'm not at the top of my game but I really need to be. Without offending other blondes, I feel like a bimbo. Is it the food? Am I still in shock? what is going on with me?
Hi Ss06, it is the stress and the shock and the not eating that is putting you in a fog. Don't worry about it, just try to eat wholesome things when you can get them down. I went for a lot of eggs and avocado and salmon and chocolate when I could manage to eat. It helped. Nice fatty food for your brain.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Maybe it is inappropriate but I kind of loved what your d said, that she wanted to kill the parents and the kid too because he had freckles. I can relate, through this horrible and stressful process sometimes I just want to kill everyone too, especially happy couples I see kissing and hugging. I hate them! Sounds like you are handling it really well, and I'm going to take your advice and go throw some rocks! Keep being awesome!
And also yes your H is not having a fabulous time even if it seems he is. He is or will be suffering very soon.
You are doing great. Be strong! Good luck! Hugs, LisaB
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
It's stress, sweetie. I lost 20 pounds in 3 months just because I could not eat. I also could not stay focused on much. Everything seemed so "fuzzy."
Have patience with yourself.
My dad died suddenly, at age 50, in a tragic accident in 2006. I suffered through THAT better than I suffered through my family being destroyed by an affair. This is some serious business. Many people show symptoms of PTSD. Because being abandoned, for ANY reason, IS traumatic and stressful, no doubt about it.
Take care of you, and have patience with you.
You have support here, and we've alllllll been in the same place.
Have a bubble bath and a glass of wine. Read a book that takes you away from all this mess. Watch a funny movie. Or a sad one. And cry, cry, cry until your eyes are swollen shut.
You're finding Ss every, single day, even though you don't feel like it. You'll get your groove back. I promise.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Thank you Lisa and Train. I really appreciate you chiming in on my thread. Train, I'm sorry to hear about your dad. (((()))))
You're right, train, this is some serious stuff. Anyone else have a panic attack every time they hear the words "hey, we need to talk"??? Oh I freaking hate those words now.
Tonight is D6's first night at "her dad's house". I had plans to GAL but my friend is sick and can't go for drinks so I'm in a big house all alone. I texted my bestie and she suggested almost EXACTLY what you suggested, Train. I'm taking the hint and I'm going to give myself a facial, eat something tasty, pour a glass of wine, read, do a little online shopping for D6's birthday next week and perhaps shed a few tears.
I wish I knew if I'm chipping away at H's heart at all. I think that's one of the hardest parts here (aside from the impact on my daughter). I'm making these changes for me, absolutely, but there's no denying the catalyst was him wanting to leave. This makes him angry and resentful. He doesn't understand why I didn't change before he wanted a divorce. I tried. I really did. I felt like my behavior was hinged on his and he wasn't willing to change so I only changed a little. Looking back on that I find it so juvenile and petty. I feel like my whole life is in his hands because of a juvenile and petty decision I made and that I'll be punished for it (so will my daughter) for the rest of my life. If only he knew what giving me just a tiny chance would do, how different EVERYTHING would be.
It's hard not to ask "what more does he want from me" and remember that he's going through his own stuff. I can work on me, that's great but I feel so powerless. It takes TWO people to decide to get married but it only takes ONE to end a marriage and that doesn't seem right. Guess I'm keeping on with Maybell's Mad Day.
Today is a very strange day because I have no responsibilities with regard to D6. It's disarming, I'll admit. I hate this separation and I hate not having my daughter all the time.
I'm frustrated today with the fact that my H seriously is not a problem solver and therefore wants out without thinking about ways to solve this issue we have and have had for years. We've had problems in the past and I've often been the one to suggestion options (MC, books, retreats, vacations, dates, etc) and he'd shoot them down. I would ask him for his input or solutions. He'd say, "I don't know. I just don't know." Had I known about DB I would have known I could have brought about change single handedly but I didn't so here I sit left behind and him not looking at any solutions.
I feel like the changes I want to make would benefit both of us and bring us closer. I feel like the changes he wants to make drives us further apart. Him doing work on himself really means that he wants to not be wishy-washy like his dad so it'll make him dig his heels in more on this divorce. I think he believes "making it work" means strong arming himself into not wanting what he wants and swallowing resentment. I wish I or someone could tell him that with the right tools, lots of practice, proper understanding of ourselves and a desire to have a beginner's mind, be open, be vulnerable and have hope can bring on a miracle.
I want to experience this miracle with him. I want to look across the table and smile knowing we're in it together. We haven't had that feeling EVER. We've not been partners; it was a continuous complaint from both of us but it's apparent we both have different ideas how to be the other's partner in the way they need. Just THAT, just knowing THAT fact is HUGE for our marriage.
I know so much of this is mindreading. I don't know what he's thinking other than he wants a divorce. Does he miss me? Is his heart opening at all?
On a separate note, what am I supposed to say when he asks how I am???? When we exchange our daughter he often asks, "how are you" and he looks right at me so it's not a question that I can respond with an errant "fine". That's his way of saying, "how are you doing with this separation?" I respond usually with, "I'm ok." in an upbeat tone. I ask him the same question and he does the same with sort of a look of surprise on his face like he never thought this would be as easy as it's turning out to be (yes, mindreading, I know).
I know. I can hear all of you saying, "Ss, detach. GAL. Take care of you."
I was supposed to go out for drinks last night wiht a friend but she had a cold and canceled so I sat at home. Today I went to yoga and meditated. We're supposed to go out tonight if my friend is feeling up for it but I doubt she is. What can I do alone on a Friday night?
On another separate note, I'm really seeing signs from the universe that it's looking out for me. Little things but little things matter a lot.
I am also on day FOUR of giving up my starbucks habit. I'm so proud of myself. I don't think I've EVER gone this long. I'm saving 310 calories and $4.95 every day. I gave up soda about 12 years ago and that was hard but giving this up is making me feel like I have a little control. This is big for me and if H ever finds out he'll be absolutely SHOCKED.
I'll weigh in on the practical questions of how to respond to "How are you?" and what to do on a Friday night.
I'd have several responses prepared and ready - and they can all be more variations of "I'm OK". - I'm having a great morning - Really well - I'm loving this weather - I'm ...(consult thesaurus for synonyms of good)
As for Friday nights-
Well of course there is always the old standby of going to movie. I hadn't been to the movie theater in 5 years for a non-kid movie until last week, and I have to say I was surprised at hoe much I enjoyed it.
Plan a reasonably sized home improvement project.
Find some sort of exercise class that you've never done before.
Take up star gazing (I think the Perseid meteor shower might still be out).
Find a youtube video on how to prepare some type of meal you've never made before, then cook it for yourself and enjoy.
Locate some sort of online resource for things to do in your area so next time you are prepared with ideas
