Jeepers, we should all get together and have a party to celebrate how much to blame we all are for everything that's wrong in our partners' lives. For the record, I'm the reason he's left his hometown, doesn't have family close by, doesn't have friends, doesn't have a job, and feels worthless. Because clearly he has no agency. It's not like he could go out and make friends. Or like he was offered two jobs two years ago that he could have taken...oh...wait...my bad. That totally happened and he turned them down.
I really appreciate the commiseration. All of the sadness of the past few days came together this afternoon. I went out to finally buy myself a new bed and bedding to go with. It was supposed to be a good, moving forward, doing something good for me kind of thing, but I wound up driving around in tears for a bunch of the afternoon.
The emotion was down to a few things. First, just feeling sad that he should have been there doing this with me, and that it would have been nice to do together and to plan out what we wanted and then enjoy it. Then, some anger and upset that we hadn't done this together, and that not doing it was at least partly related to things like not sleeping in the same bed and living on one small salary that were at least somewhat fixable.
I was also remembering that when we started dating he got new bed linens in kinds that I liked. It was sweet and caring and I miss those aspects of him. And I wondered if he was doing the same thing now for his online friend as he makes a life for himself without me. I'd forgotten until just the other day that she'll be starting college in his city soon, so they're going to be in much closer proximity, and knowing that hasn't been easy with everything that's happened recently.
I'm trying not to dwell on it and am focusing on the good stuff in my life and getting work done as much as possible. I haven't been tempted to reach out to him or to do anything other than to let myself feel what I feel and then move on from it. It feels like there's still a whole lot of grief to get through, though. There are bound to be rough days. I guess this was one of them.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Living well does not include sitting on the couch trying to figure out why H. isn't at his computer and then Googling his online friend.
Living well does include setting up your new bed frame, listening to music and singing along, dancing in the kitchen, eating good food, reading mystery novels in bed until late, using the good linen with dinner just because, and calling a friend just to chat.
Go. Do those things. Live well.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Since there's been a lot of talk recently about partners walking away who are unable to acknowledge or deal with their issues, I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts of coping with feelings of "I wasn't worth it".
This is something I've been struggling with recently. I've felt - for awhile, I guess - like I was only worth putting in a minimum of effort. He'd try his hand at writing from home, but wouldn't take a job that he felt was beneath him or didn't pay enough. He'd do the dishes and the laundry, but not vacuum or mop.
These were things that I mentioned as part of my complaints about feeling like I had too much responsibility. It felt like not a lot happened, though. The writing and some extra housework like making bread were the result, but it didn't feel like a lot at the time.
I also didn't feel like I was worth doing things with. It was difficult to get him to get togethers or to events. On Saturdays, my one consistent day off, he'd often sleep until sometime after three, so we wouldn't really do anything together.
And now that he's left, I feel like I wasn't worth working on things with. I know he feels like he's put in excessive amounts of time and effort already and can't put in any more. I also know he feels like this is the only way for him to be happy.
It's a crushing feeling that you weren't worth someone doing things with or for you, particularly around stepping up and trying to fix things that went wrong. I guess the question is, do you feel like your partner didn't think you were "worth it", either during the relationship or after they walked away? And, if so, how do you deal with those feelings?
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Honestly? From what you post, it seems like he has issues with depression.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Meghan, I thought of that more frequently before BD, but since he's left I've been able to think more clearly about things.
Your H chose to marry you. And then over time he gave up. You spoke about what you needed. Did he? Or did he start sleeping later and later? Does that have to do with your worth to him or his idea of how a great relationship could transform his life?
I don't think his failures have to do with your worth to him. I think they have to do with his poor life skills and lack of confidence. The way he's treated his career shows the same.
Detaching is about not taking all this personally. It's about letting him own his mess. This isn't about your worth at all, Meghan. It's about his sense of his own.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Hi Meghan, New to your thread- but your last post struck a chord. I want to say emphatically, without even knowing you at all, that this has absolutely nothing to do with you being "worth it". But I've had those feelings too, and I wish I had a better answer for how to deal with them - I think they are just natural.
It's your WAS who felt that he wan't worth the time and effort to build and maintain a strong marriage.
I also want to echo the other poster's comment about him seeming depressed. As time passes, I look back and realize just how depressed my husband has been. The marriage was the one thing he could really control - which he did by leaving.
Chin Up. I know its hard when you are the one doing all the work right now!
Maybell, in answer to your questions, we both did speak up, but I think not often enough and not clearly enough, or with not enough weight behind it. He did tell me he felt like we weren't having enough sex, but I don't recall it being talked about in terms of feelings of rejection, lack of emotional intimacy, or anything deeper. For my part, I told him I needed more financial and household support, but don't know that I ever couched it in terms of feeling like I was carrying all the weight and that it was making my stress and anxiety work.
I think we were somewhere between trying to avoid conflict and to not hurt the other person. And I think each of us did try to step up - at least to a degree - but neither of us did enough, or did it quickly enough, or fully met the other person's needs since they were probably not that well expressed in the first place. But your point about life skills and lack of confidence and self-worth does seem to be reflected in a lot of what's happened. Unfortunately, somehow he's managed to convince himself that I was so worth it to him that he's sacrificed everything and expended all his energy taking care of me, while I've done nothing for him. I think we both neglected different aspects of our marriage, though.
Ggrass, I can sympathise - this is all tied up in me wondering about the role of his online friend in all of this, too, and wondering how many of his recent changes - the ones that I'd asked for years ago - were really for her.
In my more lucid moments, I can tell myself these things. Like you said mpu, I know he seems to be depressed. And I do know this is about him more than it is about me. Raliced, I really liked your point that he felt he wasn't worth it, and I'm going to try to keep that in mind, difficult as it is. And yes, the marriage was the one thing he was in control of, and seemed to think like the only way to regain control of other things was to leave it and go back home.
I think for the first few days I was in shock and now the reality is setting in a bit more. I'm doing okay, I guess, but these last few days have been pretty rough at times. I've cried a lot, and at the drop of a hat. But I'm having a lot of really negative thoughts and going back to the places where I try to figure things out, blame myself, and generally wonder what it is that I did wrong and what I could have done better. I'm sure this will pass, and that it's a normal part of the process one week out, but it's been hard to avoid this morass of "what ifs" and "should haves".
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
from stress.