We always did things for the kids together without issue, birthdays christmas, special occasions. But then we downplayed each other. We didn't get each other christmas presents (we felt it was for kids). We didn't do much of each other's birthdays. Mothers day is important to her and I did drop the ball there in the past. S16 birthday next W birthday in October - Is it buying gift, buying love, if I get her something for this year's birthday?
I want my changes to be real and feel real to her.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
I know through our history that I should have focused more on her (and not just providing and not just the kids) I can't change the past. We were kid focused, but I do feel we were getting better doing things for ourselves as the kids were getting older.
Maybe all along she really wanted gifts (she never said that). I like giving gifts (get a little stressed out finding gifts)(I've been known to be stressed about spending money too).
It's definitely a 180 that is absolutely achievable, but maybe in the too late category because she is so focused on the negatives of the last year.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
It's definitely a 180 that is absolutely achievable, but maybe in the too late category because she is so focused on the negatives of the last year.
and not committing to our M. Just existing right now. no movement.
As I write more, it always seems like it was just a fizzling out of us - not neglect, just going coasting. Nothing too much wrong, but nothing excitingly right. And then she found the distraction (OM). Now it may just seem to be hard for her to come back and find the excitement back in us even with my improvements.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
Im telling you Turn your and my sitch are virtually the same . When you describe your wife it is exactly mine . Like MLP says there is a script they follow . Not written one per say but a subconcious one for sure. Forgive my spelling . Anyway i have to go to a wedding on Saturday . So we have to make all nice and be the happy family in front of everyone . Its gonna be a tough sell for me . Not for her though , she thinks every thing is fine and its only an affair , not the end of the world . She does nt understand why we cant live in a open marriage . Some days its like old times and other days its like another world shes in > Very bizarre
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
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MLP usually nice dinner, cards or gifts from kids, extra nice.
Now if it's all that plus gifts from me - could that be seen as buying love? or pursuing. It's a ways off so I hope things are different/better by then and it will be more clear to see.
Day by Day
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
PMA is a little down today which seems to happen toward the end of every week (thur, fri). I can't exactly put my finger on why it is that way. I have to think that I just run out of the fake it till you make it steam. Weekends recharge it though (but that might be the cycle W complains about). and that might be because W puts in just enough effort to keep me from making a move.
I end up thinking more about limbo towards the end of the week for some reason. This makes me want to push and ask "come-on W, what are your plans, what are you going to do? lets stop this dance." Totally against DB and probably bring me back to square one.
Sometimes it seems more productive to just do what tarheal did. At least something would happen.
too early?
So back to patience and detachment.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
That PMA is sometimes tough to keep up, all part of the learning and healing I think. And patience is right there with it, sometimes its hard to resist the urge to push back, kid gloves and baby steps man .. hang in there.
